Welcome, Heather, and please feel free to tap all the great wisdom here.
What your alcoholic partner is doing is pretty textbook, actually. The more you learn, the more you realize that words between you and an alcoholic are like bubbles. They have no substance whatsoever--Theirs have no substance because they are simply using them to get what they want. There is no interest in actually connecting with you in a meaningful way. Yours are like bubbles because all of your well-intentioned words are going to go right over his head.
Sounds like you are making good progress already in the "action" department, though. Keep it up!