hard night
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
hard night
Tomorrow morning it will be five days that husband is gone, with no contact.
As I wrote in my other thread, the police have been able to track his last transaction to a certain hotel in a rather faraway city, but the hotel has no record of his staying there.
He's gone off in a huff to have a bender two-three times before, but he's always called right away, and always come back after one, maybe two nights. The police are classing him as a high-risk missing person because he didn't take his heart medications with him (didn't take anything with him).
When he first fell of the wagon (last week), I made a reservation on an apartment, because I promised myself I would. I didn't tell him about that. I was just giving him a wide berth.
Part of me of course is freaking out because he might be dead. The other part of me is resenting the [redacted] out of him for creating a whole drama, because in all likelihood he's just sitting there in a compfy hotel room saying, "Huh, that'll teach her!"
I really want to sleep tonight. I've got work tomorrow, quite a big case, and then a qualification exam on Tuesday. I'm quite glad to have work to focus on--I don't intend to tell anyone at work, I want one little corner of the world to be normal!
Sorry if I'm typing too much about this, it's a great relief to vent.
As I wrote in my other thread, the police have been able to track his last transaction to a certain hotel in a rather faraway city, but the hotel has no record of his staying there.
He's gone off in a huff to have a bender two-three times before, but he's always called right away, and always come back after one, maybe two nights. The police are classing him as a high-risk missing person because he didn't take his heart medications with him (didn't take anything with him).
When he first fell of the wagon (last week), I made a reservation on an apartment, because I promised myself I would. I didn't tell him about that. I was just giving him a wide berth.
Part of me of course is freaking out because he might be dead. The other part of me is resenting the [redacted] out of him for creating a whole drama, because in all likelihood he's just sitting there in a compfy hotel room saying, "Huh, that'll teach her!"
I really want to sleep tonight. I've got work tomorrow, quite a big case, and then a qualification exam on Tuesday. I'm quite glad to have work to focus on--I don't intend to tell anyone at work, I want one little corner of the world to be normal!
Sorry if I'm typing too much about this, it's a great relief to vent.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Vent all you need to, my dear!
My EXAH would often disappear for days on end, and I'd vacillate between being angry, and being scared that he was dead somewhere.
It was an awful way to live.
I'm sorry you are going through this, but am glad you found us here at SR.
My EXAH would often disappear for days on end, and I'd vacillate between being angry, and being scared that he was dead somewhere.
It was an awful way to live.
I'm sorry you are going through this, but am glad you found us here at SR.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I hope you are able to get some rest tonight. Fatigue from the worry sucks!
I found physical exercise helpful. I started putting on my tennis shoes and power walking. I would walk around and around and around the neighborhood until I was sweating and exhausted. The madder I got, the longer and faster my stride got.
Usually by the time I got home and took off the tennis shoes, I was also removing the frustration. I was ready to focus on me again.
(((cyberhugs)))
I found physical exercise helpful. I started putting on my tennis shoes and power walking. I would walk around and around and around the neighborhood until I was sweating and exhausted. The madder I got, the longer and faster my stride got.
Usually by the time I got home and took off the tennis shoes, I was also removing the frustration. I was ready to focus on me again.
(((cyberhugs)))
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I know how hard it is not to awfulize, with my exabf, all it turned out to be is a precious waste of my time and emotional balance.
I turned my ex over to the HP, exactly where he needed to be, and after that I slept like a baby. He was in good hands.
I turned my ex over to the HP, exactly where he needed to be, and after that I slept like a baby. He was in good hands.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 143
I cannot imagine how I would've felt in your situation. Well yes, I can. I would be a hysterical mess and probably out doing some investigative work of my own, not sleeping, the whole lot. You are doing a WONDERFUL job of holding yourself together. Keep it up, and keep venting. 
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 77
My thoughts are with you. I've had a situation where mine disappeared, only to call me from the local town police cells many hours later to ask me to fetch her from DUI arrest, and of course insisting she wasn't drunk....
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
everytime my stbx doesn't turn up for the kids the thought "flits" through my mind that he is dead or injured or arrested, because who would let their kids down if they weren't?
well, he would, and does, repeatedly. The thought flits in and flits out now, I can wave at it as it goes on through, it used to set up camp in my head, but no longer.
he is always ok, it is truely insane that he, loaded with enough alcohol to fell a bull elephant, without the faculties of binocular vision, coherent speach or any cognitive processing can glide/bump/stumble to his home without major loss to limbs, when people with all their brain-cells firing every day are harmed/robbed/killed crossing roads/walking home/etc. he is always ok.
sometimes I marvel, but I no longer worry.
well, he would, and does, repeatedly. The thought flits in and flits out now, I can wave at it as it goes on through, it used to set up camp in my head, but no longer.
he is always ok, it is truely insane that he, loaded with enough alcohol to fell a bull elephant, without the faculties of binocular vision, coherent speach or any cognitive processing can glide/bump/stumble to his home without major loss to limbs, when people with all their brain-cells firing every day are harmed/robbed/killed crossing roads/walking home/etc. he is always ok.
sometimes I marvel, but I no longer worry.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
he, loaded with enough alcohol to fell a bull elephant, without the faculties of binocular vision, coherent speach or any cognitive processing can glide/bump/stumble to his home
When the last alcoholic person I allowed into my life would go on benders and not let me know what was going on, I worried the first couple of times, even once drove something like 40 miles in bad, snowy weather looking for him (thought he was hurt or something). After a while, I got used to it and was just relieved that he respected my wishes to stay away from me drunk or high. I did what I needed to, also, to protect myself from him, i.e., I stopped having sex with him completely.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
Hi everyone,
Thanks. So this afternoon the police found him in a hotel. They went to check on him and they told me he was alive and drunk. They said at first he didn't want me to be told where he was, but then he relented.
When the officer gave me the address and phone number of the hotel, he said, "So we'll consider the matter closed, and you can go and collect him there." I laughed out loud and said, "Yeah, no."
He's hemorraging our joint checking account, going into the red. Tomorrow morning I'll phone the bank and have my name taken off the joint checking, then get a new account just for me. I'll email my bosses to let them know to deposit my paycheck in the new account.
God knows how long he's going to languish in a hotel. If he's still not here by the end of the month, I will have to re-think moving, because I can't just abandon the house. Anyway, there's time before I have to cross that bridge.
It's a gorgeous autumn evening and I'm going for a run.
Thanks. So this afternoon the police found him in a hotel. They went to check on him and they told me he was alive and drunk. They said at first he didn't want me to be told where he was, but then he relented.
When the officer gave me the address and phone number of the hotel, he said, "So we'll consider the matter closed, and you can go and collect him there." I laughed out loud and said, "Yeah, no."
He's hemorraging our joint checking account, going into the red. Tomorrow morning I'll phone the bank and have my name taken off the joint checking, then get a new account just for me. I'll email my bosses to let them know to deposit my paycheck in the new account.
God knows how long he's going to languish in a hotel. If he's still not here by the end of the month, I will have to re-think moving, because I can't just abandon the house. Anyway, there's time before I have to cross that bridge.
It's a gorgeous autumn evening and I'm going for a run.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi akrasia-
i don't think the bank will let you remove your name from the bank if it is in the red, but they will let you close it. you don't need both to agree to close a joint account, i think, as i recall someone here at SR doing it.
maybe a quick review of the finances and a few moves to protect yourself are in order. consider things like car insurance, bank accounts, credit cards, etc.
thanks for the update,
naive
i don't think the bank will let you remove your name from the bank if it is in the red, but they will let you close it. you don't need both to agree to close a joint account, i think, as i recall someone here at SR doing it.
maybe a quick review of the finances and a few moves to protect yourself are in order. consider things like car insurance, bank accounts, credit cards, etc.
thanks for the update,
naive
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by naive 
i don't think the bank will let you remove your name from the bank if it is in the red, but they will let you close it. you don't need both to agree to close a joint account, i think, as i recall someone here at SR doing it.
Yes they will let you close it without both agreeing. I had to do that when the ex-fiance walked out. Fortunately the account was not overdrawn when I closed it out.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
Oh--another update. I got a voicemail from husband, saying, "The police have come today--I just wanted to let you know I'm all right." I don't feel like ringing back.
Then on heels of that got voicemail from his brother in [another large city, down south], who said that he'd also got a call from husband, and husband said he wanted to go down and stay with brother.
So who knows whether husband will be able to negotiate the trains, but if he does get to brother's, it will be a relief, because 1. safe and alive, and 2. not charging every meal to our checking account.
Going for run now.
Then on heels of that got voicemail from his brother in [another large city, down south], who said that he'd also got a call from husband, and husband said he wanted to go down and stay with brother.
So who knows whether husband will be able to negotiate the trains, but if he does get to brother's, it will be a relief, because 1. safe and alive, and 2. not charging every meal to our checking account.
Going for run now.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I agree with your plan to discontinue joint accounts with an active alcoholic.
I did the same.
I was not the primary on the joint account. (In my state, at my bank, the person that signs first on the joint and issues the first SS# is the primary person on the joint account.) I could not close the joint account. I could take my name off the account and open my own account, however.
I had to have my husband (as primary) sign to close the account. He chose not to close the account.
Next, I put a block on my personal checking and savings accounts. The block means that I can not call and get my balance or any other information on my accounts. I can not order checks over the phone. I can not call and order a replacement debit card over the phone. I can not do anything to or learn anything about my accounts via telephone. I must do all my banking in person by showing my I.D. ( I do direct deposit, so it really is not inconvenient) I can, however, do most of my banking online with password protection. I put my account on block status because my AH knew my SS#, Date of Birth, maiden name and mother's maiden name.
I did the same.
I was not the primary on the joint account. (In my state, at my bank, the person that signs first on the joint and issues the first SS# is the primary person on the joint account.) I could not close the joint account. I could take my name off the account and open my own account, however.
I had to have my husband (as primary) sign to close the account. He chose not to close the account.
Next, I put a block on my personal checking and savings accounts. The block means that I can not call and get my balance or any other information on my accounts. I can not order checks over the phone. I can not call and order a replacement debit card over the phone. I can not do anything to or learn anything about my accounts via telephone. I must do all my banking in person by showing my I.D. ( I do direct deposit, so it really is not inconvenient) I can, however, do most of my banking online with password protection. I put my account on block status because my AH knew my SS#, Date of Birth, maiden name and mother's maiden name.
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