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Old 09-29-2010, 08:03 AM
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I feel Lost

Hi, I'm new here.

Backstory: ACoA who has some experience with AA open meetings and Al-Anon many years ago as a child. Fast forward to now, living with my boyfriend of 10 years and my 10 year old child, not his biologically, but only father my child has ever known. Boyfriend always drank before and always had a dark personality and dark sense of humor. Didn't see it coming.

Boyfriend's dad passed away last January after a 6 month fight with cancer. Boyfriend (BF) coped by drinking.

3 months ago, I noticed a huge change in demeanor and a sour attitude. Living with him started to become uncomfortable. 2.5 months ago, he quit his job because he 'was tired of it'. No plans for financial input.

Just after that, I was laid off from my job, and have been actively searching for a job. During this time, BF's drinking has become unmanageable for him, and my child and I have avoided BF all we can.

Last night, I asked BF to leave the house.

He's here now, trying to figure out where to go. He admits his terrible problem and says he never thought it would get this bad. He refuses doctor appointments, counseling, and AA. I feel I have no choice but to ask him to leave.

We have had many tears last night and today from both of us. We love each other very much. I don't want him to leave, really, but my child and I cannot live like this, and I don't feel BF can get help by our 'helping' him here at home.

I found an Al-anon meeting close by, but it's not until Friday.

What now?
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Old 09-29-2010, 08:08 AM
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You can hang out here and read a lot. Keep posting. Many of us have been where you are and you will find much support here. Welcome!

It sounds like you have a pretty good handle on what you can and cannot do for him. Attending Al-anon is great decision. Face-to-face support will greatly help. If your BF wants to get help for his drinking, he will do that regardless of whether or not you are living together. Your job is to do what is best for yourself and your child.
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Old 09-29-2010, 08:10 AM
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Welcome to the SR family!

You are not alone.

We understand what it feels like to have a loved one caught up in addiction. Please make yourself at home here by reading and posting as much as needed.

Some of our stories are in the permanent (sticky) posts at the top of this forum. I always find lots of wisdom in those posts.

I think you made a healthy choice for yourself and your child - asking the addict to leave the home, temporarily. It will give you some much needed peace to help you sort out your choices.

(((hugs)))
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Old 09-29-2010, 08:25 AM
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Hi there, and WELCOME to SR. This is a wonderful place to find support. I hope you keep coming back.

With regards to your ABF (alcoholic boyfriend), is he on the lease? If so, you may need to figure out if HE needs to leave of if YOU and your child will. If he isn't, then you are within your rights to ask him to leave. I suggest discussing the matter with your landlord.

I went through something similar when my XAH (ex alcoholic hubby) and I separated. We had signed a lease together so we were both bound by law to stay until the lease was expired OR find a replacement tenant. Instead, we had the lease transfered to XAH, who signed off on the document, claiming that he would now be in charge of the entire lease. I had my superintendant sign off on this and had to send the documents to the landlord via registered letter. That way, I'm protected against the landlord coming back and asking me to pay whatever rent my XAH defaulted on (they have up to 3 years after the end of the lease!). In the end, it's a good thing I did this because XAH did end up defaulting on the rent and pulling a midnight move on the super...

I applaud you for putting your sanity and your child before your boyfriend.

Keep posting!!
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Old 09-29-2010, 10:21 AM
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No Lease

Thank you for replying.

No our situation is that I own the house I bought under my own name over 15 years ago. He has not signed a lease with me.

He has agreed to leave, however, he doesn't know where he can/will go. I wonder if he's really that uncertain or if this is another alcoholic manipulative ploy to keep me unbalanced. He has family here in town. All of them drink and only one brother, who lives out of town, has been in treatment for addiction. None of them know of his problem. They all think he is depressed. I suspect many think I'm the reason he's depressed. I'm not the most popular person with his family.

He recently quit smoking cold turkey and thinks he can quit drinking the same way, but his drinking is far too advanced for him to try it cold turkey safely.
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Old 09-29-2010, 10:30 AM
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I strongly advise that you give him X days to vacate the premises, at which point you will have him removed "the unpleasant way". For your peace of mind, it would be very helpful to have a move-out day to look forward to. Also, it prevents him from wiggling out of this and saying "well, you never said which day you wanted me gone!".

If he's got family in town, then he can easily go bunk with them for a while and feel sorry for himself with them.

This may be tough at some point, but you may very well have to kick him out and wash your hands of him, knowing full well he'll end up in a shelter. There comes a point where you just say "Not my problem anymore".
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Old 09-29-2010, 10:53 AM
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Well, yesterday was my birthday, and I told him weeks ago that I would not tolerate this way of life much longer, without an 'end date'. When he said he didn't have money to do anything for my birthday at all (but money to pick up a fifth of Jim Beam every day), last Saturday, I told him that the thing I wanted most of all for my birthday was freedom from Jim Beam. Whether it was him figuring out how to get Jim Beam out of his life and thus out of ours, or whether he and Mr. Beam needed to hit the road.

So, no, I didn't give him much notice at all.

From Saturday through Tuesday, I honestly thought he'd found a way to stay sober. I thought he was!! Then, I found the bottles he'd been hiding from mel.

So, last night, on my birthday, I very calmly let him know that he needed to do his recovery elsewhere. That I couldn't watch it and that I couldn't tolerate lies and deception in any manner.

He agreed to pack and leave today. He has piled up some clothing and some things, but he's still not gone. He asked last night what we should do with 'his' stuff, and I said that we could have it here for when he was healthy and could come back, but that was not 'indefinitely'. I told him I wasn't sure how long I could have the stuff hanging around.

Should I give a time limit?

He told me today he wasn't sure what would happen to him.

Should I call his mom, or one of his aunts whom I do trust a lot?!

I feel paralyzed with fear of doing the wrong thing.
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Old 09-29-2010, 10:59 AM
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I don't think getting his mother or aunt involved is your place. This is between the two of you. If you believe you are doing what is best for you and your child, then you are not doing the wrong thing. He is an adult and can figure out where to go and what to do. He isn't helpless.
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Old 09-29-2010, 11:11 AM
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I would give him 30 or 60 days (if it's not too much junk) after which point you will donate it to the Salvation Army or Goodwill.

Try to remember:
Helping: doing something for someone he is UNABLE to do for himself
Enabling: doing something for someone he is PERFECTLY CAPABLE of doing for himself.

What do you think about calling his mom and aunties now?

Please take some pressure off yourself. There's no "right" thing or "wrong" thing (unless you're talking about murdering someone). Trust in your HP/God/Whatever you want to call it. Everything that's happening right now is happening for a reason; you're learning about yourself and strengthening yourself through this process.
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Old 09-29-2010, 11:19 AM
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I'm sorry, maybe I'm not seeing things in the correct way.

His leaving isn't just a 'hit the road, Jack" kind of thing a person may do with a boyfriend.

This is my family! My decision to ask him to leave is so that he can find his rock bottom wherever it is and get better.

The 30-60 days of his stuff being here just doesn't seem long enough. Remember, he is the only father my child has ever known.
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Old 09-29-2010, 11:21 AM
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You don't have to make any decisions about his stuff right now. The only thing I would caution against is allowing him to come by whenever he wants because he needs something he left there. Just have him take his essentials with him when he goes. The main thing you need right now is separation from the situation so you can begin to relax and look at things in a clear-headed manner. That is impossible to do while surrounded by the chaos.
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Old 09-29-2010, 11:40 AM
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Originally Posted by skippernlilg View Post
This is my family! My decision to ask him to leave is so that he can find his rock bottom wherever it is and get better.
I understand what you're saying, however, let me gently point out that you simply do not control the outcome of the situation, nor his actions, nor his decision to find recovery. You are not that powerful. The only thing you control is yourself. I know is UBER hard to let go of the outcome of things (ask me how I know....I'm a control FREAK), but when I find myself awfulizing, trying desperately to figure things out, I remind myself to get my hands off the proverbial wheel of life because to put it plainly, I'm not driving.

Originally Posted by skippernlilg View Post
The 30-60 days of his stuff being here just doesn't seem long enough. Remember, he is the only father my child has ever known.
Ok, so make it longer. 6 months or a year. Pack it up, put it in a room and let it sit. Perhaps you'll reconsider things as time passes by and as you've had some space to think. I know that some SR members, after holding onto a number of things for longer than they wanted, have put their partner's stuff in storage, paid for a few months, and given the partner the key, so that the person can choose what to do with it.
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Old 09-29-2010, 12:14 PM
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I understand and very much appreciate all of your input. This means the world to me. I feel I have no one to talk to about this. I'm a very respected professional woman in my community and never dreamed this would happen to me in my adult life. And here it is.

I have found myself lying by omission to his family and my friends when we have events to attend and ABF is not in attendance. I just don't give a very clear answer. The truth is, he's either too drunk to drive or he's getting that way.

I have participated in this sickness by driving him when he couldn't.

He is usually only functional about 3 hours per day, and he plays chess with my child every day. My child will miss this very much, since my chess playing ability is lacking at best. My child is a Chess Team star at school.

My ABF is a good man and he has a warm, loving heart. He has good values and beliefs! These are stifled lately, and it's hard to watch.

Because I'm an ACoA, I swore my child would not have to live the life I did as a child. This is what is keeping me so strong in my resolve. My child deserves all the successes ahead without these ugly distractions. My mother, the ultimate codie in my life, knows there's something 'up' and is getting on my nerves with her superiority on this situation. She didn't have the nerve to leave my father until I was well into college. She doesn't even remember most of my childhood because she was so wrapped up in my father and his sickness.

I have lots of resentments about alcoholism. Lots. I am generally a nice person, but I can feel bitterness creeping in, and it's not the pretty I like to be.

About calling his mom and/or aunt...I'm concerned he will not leave as he says he will and I will not call the police to have him removed (I think he knows this). I thought by calling one of them, since no one knows what's going on, might help him get out. Are there any options for gently getting him out of the house?

I am a low-drama person and will not put my child through any unnecessary stress.
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Old 09-29-2010, 12:39 PM
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This is from one of our stickies. It contains steps some of us have taken:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

As to getting your A to leave, I believe in honesty.
Express your honest desire for a temporary seperation. You need time and space to clear your head. period.

I left my A. Took myself and 3 children away for 3 days after another episode. No Contact. Then I spoke with him and asked him to make other arrangements, temporarily, and allow us to come home to care for the critters and get back into our own beds. My A agreed to the temporary arrangement.
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Old 09-29-2010, 12:41 PM
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Hm, it is rather tricky, but I understand your fear that he won't leave, and your need to keep things "normal" in the eyes of your child. Unfortunately, your child may already know what's going on. I'd strongly recommend opening the lines of communication with him about this. When I started attending Al-Anon, my then-stepson asked questions. He was 11 or 12. When we started talking about his father's drinking, I was astounded to discover what he already knew and what mechanisms he had put in place to "avoid making daddy angry".

As for getting your boyfriend to leave, there's really no "gentle" way of doing this, unless he goes willingly as he said he would. Even if he did leave, I wonder if he wouldn't try to come back in at a later time (and I'm going to recommend that you change the locks when he's gone). This is a potentially volatile situation and it's difficult to predict how the alcoholic deep in his addiction will react. Also, you cannot be certain that his mother or aunties will want to get involved in this. Perhaps they've been burned enough that they'll swear off any further involvement with him. It was like this for my XAH's family...they were the ones who recommended I take my baby girl and run.

If by the end of the day, he hasn't left, it's worth giving it a try and calling them, though I hope you realize that you may have to have him forcefully removed, perhaps during the day when your son is at school. Alternately, you could state your boundary right now, like this: "I know you said you would leave. I'm asking you to be gone by X hour." Then there's a deadline and no excuse.

I'm sorry things have come to this, but again, I admire and applaud you for putting your child's need for a safe home first.

Keep posting. We're here for you.
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Old 09-29-2010, 08:23 PM
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What recovery are you expecting if
(a) He refused a doctor, counseling, and AA?
(b) He has no plans for entering any recovery program?
(c) His belongings are stored with you, and he can contact you for whatever he needs, whenever?

He has said that he needs help, but then would not consider seeing a doctor or counselor, or attending AA. He obviously is not wanting help right now.

Til he hits the deck, til life is too hard to cope with because of his drinking, or because he actually wants to be sober, he will NOT be looking at stopping.

Some people have to lose it all, to gain that desire to stop, others get it earlier, BUT both need to face hardship to focus their attention, and I fear that your man will not be doing that.

He may be the only dad your daughter knows, but shouldn't he also be the best dad he can be?
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Old 09-29-2010, 09:27 PM
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((((hugs))) I know where you comming from, im also a child of a A, but my parents were divorced my AD died when I was 15, i dont drink, only on very special occoasions, my AH, was a RAH when we got married, you lucky u arn't married! but i rely soly on him for finances, which I can say are bad!!! I am unemployed 2 years, so im stuck, I also left for a few days when I though my AH had hit bottom, he stopped for 2 weeks, but is now back to it all and smoking again, which he has been off for 3 years, so life is a huge mess! I am sad. Only your BF can do it for himself, I feel for me, it is not for them, the 'us' family, but ONLY where and how they can LIE and DECEIVE for their next drink! It is so so sad.... But this is a chronic disease and we must learn how to detach (which for me is really hard!) I will pray for you and your kid. Put yourself first, dont involve family, nothing they can really do. Hope you find some good friends here at SR, pop into the ''Breakfast Club'' anytime
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Old 09-30-2010, 05:44 AM
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UPDATE: ABF has not left, and I felt bad about not much notice, so I gave him two weeks to figure out where to go. I also shared the information with a trusted cousin of his, with whom I'm also close, who has also overcome addiction. She has offered him a place to be, which relieves me very much.

He was sober last night, and he has the shakes today. I am carrying on 'business as usual' for my and my child's lives, reading and praying. I will still attend my Al-anon meeting tomorrow evening. Thank you.
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Old 09-30-2010, 05:48 AM
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When I told the last man I was living with to leave, he was taking his sweet time about finding new digs. Finally, one night when I caught him in yet another lie (a big one), I told him I expected him to leave, the next day.

He protested he had "no place to go" and my response was, "Not my problem." I took the day off from work to make sure he actually did it. He took most of his important stuff, left, and went to live in a motel for a few weeks until he found an apartment. I boxed up the rest of his stuff and eventually we arranged for a day for him and a friend to pick it up.

Quiet insistence.
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Old 09-30-2010, 05:48 AM
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Thanks for the update.

I sincerely hope he does leave after that 2 week deadline is up.

Please keep us posted and tell us how YOU are doing.
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