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Huh? Interesting..

Old 09-22-2010, 01:43 PM
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Huh? Interesting..

I had spoken with my AH on Saturday and he begged me to let him have the apartment on Sunday night so he could see the cats and pick-up a few things. I told him no, but he was welcome to stop by on Monday while I was at work (never did) and could watch the cats/apartment while I was away this weekend.

Well today I called to find out if he was actually planning on feeding the cats while I was gone and he said no. Iím shocked, I guess I donít have to be so worried about him ďfightingĒ over custody of his cat after all.

Anyway that was the extent of our conversation. He didnít bring up counseling and neither did I. I guess that means itís really over. Question is whether or not I have the balls to file for divorce.
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Old 09-22-2010, 07:34 PM
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I know that you probably want him to go to counseling with you because you think it will help. It will not. In fact, most good therapists will not see a couple for therapy when one of them is active in addiction.

I went to couples counseling with xabf before I found out about his alcoholism. I still see the same therapist. After finding out about his addiction, she said all the pieces of the puzzle fit, which is why he and I never got anywhere. For the most part, couples therapy just gave him new and interesting ways to manipulate me. Recovery first, then therapy, otherwise you are wasting your own time and money.

This is not just my experience. One of my best friends also did couples counseling with her alcoholic and addict now soon to be ex husband. Same result. Different couple.

Good luck!
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Old 09-22-2010, 07:39 PM
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You don't have to do anything right this minute. Just take things as they come for a while. Don't project into the future and don't assume. Just let it be for a little while.
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Old 09-22-2010, 08:57 PM
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I have done councelling a few times too. The last time was when I found out about his internet affair which lasted over a year. He got to tell the councellor about how I didnt stick up for him when discussing our daughters, often becuase he was unreasonalble, and I got to appologise to him. When I tried to say that I didnt like that he had a Jeckyl and Hyde personality and had to tip toe around him (hadnt twigged on to the alcholism then) it got ignored.

Absolutely no point to councelling. Councelling is about communication skills, learning about the other persons wants and needs and being respectful to each others feelings. Alcohol, communication skills and respect dont mix IMO.
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Old 09-23-2010, 02:51 AM
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i am of the same thoughts about counseling. My AH asked me to go to counseling and i said no because i can't bother to go to counseling and hear things from someone i can't trust. I had to explain that if he is not being truthful then what is the point? i think recovery and then counseling makes perfect sense, but that means the Alcoholic can't drink for a fairly long period of time and i am not willing to wait to see if that is going to work. I've had enough. My son said it perfectly to me....i have every right to feel the way i do and make decisions that are good for ME...and i don't have to defend myself for them. After all the years of broken promises and horrible words thrown at me, i no longer care to negotiate. Now i just want to be allowed to love myself and carry making each day as happy and functional as i can without someone else always trying to make me as miserable as they are. I hope you can make a decision that is good for you and try not to think about what is best for the other person that, obviously, is only thinking of themselves too. it is okay to take care of yourself first...you deserve it.
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Old 09-23-2010, 03:41 AM
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When I was lliving with AH he suggested we both go to councelling if we could find a free one. I told him that if he fixed it up I would be there. Of course I was still waiting for him to fix that up months later and I never brough the issue up or reminded him.

On reading these posts I am glad he didn't. I can well imagine how that would have turned out. In the whole of our marriage he never went more than a couple of days without drinking a minimum of 6 units.
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Old 09-23-2010, 03:57 AM
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For the most part, couples therapy just gave him new and interesting ways to manipulate me. Recovery first, then therapy, otherwise you are wasting your own time and money.
Amen. This is exactly how counseling worked for me and my AH. You can't have therapy when you don't have honesty.
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Old 09-23-2010, 05:45 AM
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Thanks everyone! I agree. I had been trying to get him to go FOREVER but he never would. Then last week when I saw my therapist he suggested it because I can't even have a conversation with him a this point. He thought it would be beneficial just so I could tell him how I feel in a safe space and then feel like I could move on. I really could care less if we go at this point, I know it's not going to make a difference about how I feel, at the very least I'll be able able to get some screaming out.

I left it up to AH to make the appointment and that clearly hasn't happened. So at this point I'm going back to NC until I'm ready for it to just be over with.
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Old 09-23-2010, 06:00 AM
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good for you! you do what works for YOU!
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