having a bit of a hard night
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
having a bit of a hard night
Hi all,
So... husband is actually still doing really well. Nearly three months with no alcohol. He was saying it's the longest he's gone without alcohol since he was nine or ten. Good lord!
He says he doesn't feel as great as he hoped he would. Back when he quit smoking, within days he breathed better, slept better. Now that he's quit alcohol? He's come down with a spate of cluster headaches, followed by a mega-cold. Dammit!
I've told him that he seems freer--the look in his eyes, the way he talks. His thoughts have become more creative, he's looking at different projects for the winter. He's not mired down in the cynicism.
He's still wondering whether he'll ever be able to drink casually again. My private thought on that is a big fat NO, but I'm trying to stay loving without weighing in heavily on things. It can't turn into a big drama of me begging him not to drink, that won't help anything. It's his own journey. All I can do is be his chum.
He's still seeing his counsellor, and is starting a meditation group.
So what's my problem? It's a strange feeling I have tonight. Back during his last binge, things were so bad that the thought of leaving him, I admit, had a small element of relief. Yay, a safe place to sleep. And now that things are going so well, I have this terrified feeling in my heart--for me, and for him. What if, what if, what if? Oh, I hope he doesn't throw it all away.
I know it's no use borrowing trouble, and I'm trying to distract myself with work, but it's a bit hard going tonight.
So that's me.
I'm not usually a praying person, but please god put strength and peace in both our hearts.
So... husband is actually still doing really well. Nearly three months with no alcohol. He was saying it's the longest he's gone without alcohol since he was nine or ten. Good lord!
He says he doesn't feel as great as he hoped he would. Back when he quit smoking, within days he breathed better, slept better. Now that he's quit alcohol? He's come down with a spate of cluster headaches, followed by a mega-cold. Dammit!
I've told him that he seems freer--the look in his eyes, the way he talks. His thoughts have become more creative, he's looking at different projects for the winter. He's not mired down in the cynicism.
He's still wondering whether he'll ever be able to drink casually again. My private thought on that is a big fat NO, but I'm trying to stay loving without weighing in heavily on things. It can't turn into a big drama of me begging him not to drink, that won't help anything. It's his own journey. All I can do is be his chum.
He's still seeing his counsellor, and is starting a meditation group.
So what's my problem? It's a strange feeling I have tonight. Back during his last binge, things were so bad that the thought of leaving him, I admit, had a small element of relief. Yay, a safe place to sleep. And now that things are going so well, I have this terrified feeling in my heart--for me, and for him. What if, what if, what if? Oh, I hope he doesn't throw it all away.
I know it's no use borrowing trouble, and I'm trying to distract myself with work, but it's a bit hard going tonight.
So that's me.
I'm not usually a praying person, but please god put strength and peace in both our hearts.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
I'm like, "And another thing!"
I don't want a big show of remorse from my husband. I really don't, because I think remorse and resentment are two sides of the same coin, and neither is really helpful in moving forward.
I have to say it takes a lot of effort for me to remain calm when he says that he doesn't feel great after quitting drinking. Part of me wants to say, "Hey, I can think of one little benefit of not drinking--you still have a partner! You're not lying in your own mess! Oh, and another--you're not dead of exposure in a bus shelter somewhere!" I just have to shake my head and realize it's the long-reaching effects of the alcohol when he says this.
I don't want a big show of remorse from my husband. I really don't, because I think remorse and resentment are two sides of the same coin, and neither is really helpful in moving forward.
I have to say it takes a lot of effort for me to remain calm when he says that he doesn't feel great after quitting drinking. Part of me wants to say, "Hey, I can think of one little benefit of not drinking--you still have a partner! You're not lying in your own mess! Oh, and another--you're not dead of exposure in a bus shelter somewhere!" I just have to shake my head and realize it's the long-reaching effects of the alcohol when he says this.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
It takes a long time and a lot of work before not drinking really feels GOOD to a lot of us. Sheesh, imagine being in an altered state since age 9 or 10 and suddenly your body chemistry changes radically.
I'd be willing to bet that some part of his brain is really glad you are still there, but he can't appreciate it because all he feels is screwed up right now. And you DON'T understand it, because only another person who has been there can understand what he's feeling.
Just keep taking care of yourself, and try not to expect too much too soon. Three months isn't a whole lot of time, compared to a lifetime of drinking.
I'd be willing to bet that some part of his brain is really glad you are still there, but he can't appreciate it because all he feels is screwed up right now. And you DON'T understand it, because only another person who has been there can understand what he's feeling.
Just keep taking care of yourself, and try not to expect too much too soon. Three months isn't a whole lot of time, compared to a lifetime of drinking.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: ashamed ville
Posts: 311
My AH is 48 and has been drinking since he was about 13. That's alot of years.
I was talking with a recovering alcoholic for 20 years yesterday and he said it took him about 3 years to start feeling good about himself. He wasn't drinking for 30 years. So I guess it takes awhile. If my AH gets sober it will probably take a long time for him to comfortable with himself.
Good luck
I was talking with a recovering alcoholic for 20 years yesterday and he said it took him about 3 years to start feeling good about himself. He wasn't drinking for 30 years. So I guess it takes awhile. If my AH gets sober it will probably take a long time for him to comfortable with himself.
Good luck
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Akrasia, have you read the book Under the Influence? It is a wonderful source of information about alcoholism and the effects alcohol has on the body. It also gives good information on nutritional requirements and suggested diet for alcoholics who have stopped drinking.
Wishing you both strength and peace.
Wishing you both strength and peace.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 35
Akrasia, I know what you're feeling all too well. AH got sober last summer and it took me several months to finally get myself out of "crisis mode." Those first few months were full of "what ifs" and while I wanted to hold onto those moments with everything I had, I was also afraid to let myself trust again, always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Sadly, AH did recently start drinking again, while away for military training, and we're back to square one. But no matter what happens, I will always have those wonderful memories to treasure when I once again had my husband back instead of the empty person who had taken over his body. Whether AH gets sober again or not, and whether or not my marriage lasts, I'm grateful that we had those happy times together.
One of the toughest things I'm trying to learn is that AH is either done drinking or he isn't, and worrying isn't going to make a bit of difference.
Sadly, AH did recently start drinking again, while away for military training, and we're back to square one. But no matter what happens, I will always have those wonderful memories to treasure when I once again had my husband back instead of the empty person who had taken over his body. Whether AH gets sober again or not, and whether or not my marriage lasts, I'm grateful that we had those happy times together.
One of the toughest things I'm trying to learn is that AH is either done drinking or he isn't, and worrying isn't going to make a bit of difference.
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