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We finally broke up.

Old 08-25-2010, 06:28 PM
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We finally broke up.

It's a long post,so be prepared...


So, I haven't been on here too much, every now and then I'd check to see what all of you are up to,and I hope all is well.

Last time I was on here I mentioned my boyfriend.Well since then,which was the beginning of this month,he was sober for about 2 1/2 weeks. Things were good those 2 1/2 weeks,but I always felt that he would drink again and became very paranoid. Well,no surprise here but he drank again today.

The past couple of days he was pushing me away,claiming that he wanted space to himself,and I cried telling him that I wasn't getting enough affection..heh. Today we were suppose to hangout until his sister texted me and told me he had been drinking,then he called me and asked if I still wanted to come over even though he had done that. I was already half way there so I already told him I'd come by.

When I got there, he just wanted to get away,so we stopped by the mall because he was angry at the fact that his mom,his sister,and I pointed out that his eyes were super red,and he wanted to buy sunglasses to hide them. After that,we went to one more store,and I drove on back to his house.I knew he didn't want to go home yet,and he tried to get me to go to other places and I said no,because I knew what would happen (he would drink more and then just go off without me).

Then he says,"well if you're going home,can i head out that way too? and you can drop me off at my house". And here I said,"NO,I'm going to your house to get my stuff then leaving". He started to call a taxi then pleaded for me to drop him off somewhere else for the taxi to pick him up so he wouldnt have to deal with his mom and sister,and still I said NO,you can walk there if you want.

Eventually we got to his house,I texted his sister to come out immediately to try and stop him from leaving or just talking to him.It just got messy from there. His sister wanted all his stuff out of the house,and here I even offered to help pack his stuff. His parents are enablers,and his sister has gone through the same thing with her husband (he's an alcoholic/drug addict too).

Before we got to his house though while I was driving,he mentioned going on a break..I told him I don't do breaks,and that it was better off that we just broke up anyways. He was drunk,I could tell because he was talking waaay too much. So he was trying to be all smart and cool about it,but I know it will affect him later knowing I'm not there anymore...

I'm trying to do the same,I haven't texted or talked to him,even though he texted me after I left. Just saying that we were actually done,and he told me good luck and that I didn't have to worry about him anymore. I put away everything that reminded me of him,pictures,etc...

So,even though it's been a couple of hours,I've already decided that I don't want to go back...I don't want to end up like his sister who cries every night. No one deserves to go through this,it's a pretty cruel and sick thing to do to someone who just wanted to love and be loved. I hope I'm strong enough to not go back,so I just need support now,and to remind myself of what happened.
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Old 08-25-2010, 06:55 PM
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(((ExCordis)))

I'm sorry for your heartbreak. It is sad leaving someone we care about. There were shared feelings and dreams. Be gentle with yourself.
It may take some time for you to grieve the end of the relationship, and the loss of the dream of what could have been.

You are such a wise young lady. I believe you are going to be okay!

One of the things that helped me get through the toughest days was this:
I kept a list in my wallet of what my relationship with my active alcoholic meant.
It said:

________'s love comes with:
drunkeness
emotional instability
loneliness
financial instability
legal problems
physical illness
depression


I looked at that list when I was feeling lonely and wanted to call my A.

Keep reaching out for support, we are here for you.
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Old 08-25-2010, 07:10 PM
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Originally Posted by Pelican View Post
(((ExCordis)))

I'm sorry for your heartbreak. It is sad leaving someone we care about. There were shared feelings and dreams. Be gentle with yourself.
It may take some time for you to grieve the end of the relationship, and the loss of the dream of what could have been.

You are such a wise young lady. I believe you are going to be okay!

One of the things that helped me get through the toughest days was this:
I kept a list in my wallet of what my relationship with my active alcoholic meant.
It said:

________'s love comes with:
drunkeness
emotional instability
loneliness
financial instability
legal problems
physical illness
depression


I looked at that list when I was feeling lonely and wanted to call my A.

Keep reaching out for support, we are here for you.
Definitely felt all of those in your list,I wasn't even married to him! Which I am very glad that I'm not or got myself out before digging in deeper. No one deserves this,and I hope everyone in here finds a way out. Thank you for the support
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Old 08-25-2010, 07:13 PM
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RIP Sweet Suki
 
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Stay strong. Chances are good that you will hear from him again with promises and attempts to make you feel guilty for your decision. Hopefully, you won't fall for it. If you are truly done, why not block him from your phone and email. You won't be tempted to respond if you don't know he has emailed, called or texted.
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Old 08-25-2010, 07:31 PM
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ExCordis - that's good advice that Suki has given you. The next few days are going to be really hard but they will only be that much harder if you allow any kind of contact. The huge benefit of eliminating contact altogether is that you give yourself some breathing room to think things through on your own, without interference or influence. You will start to get re-acquainted with yourself again and things will become much more clear...and much sooner ....if you can just stay away from him. No Contact is actually a gift you give yourself. I know this because I have done it the "wrong way" many times. Don't do what I did. (((((Hugs)))) Take care of YOURSELF.
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Old 08-26-2010, 02:58 AM
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exCordis,

Sure sounds like the whole family is in pain from his drinking. You sound like you have a pretty good idea of what life will be like for anyone closely connected to him. You were strong, and I was glad to hear that you "dont do breaks"- good response! Self esteem will take you a long way .

I hope that his family gets help.
Rejecting his behavior will do more for him than anything else you can do. Hope it will be a good wake up call for him.
Take care of yourself- you seem to be doing a good job of that, and that is all you can do for him.
big hug,
chicory
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Old 08-26-2010, 05:39 AM
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Sounds like a bunch of us could write a book. I finally got a divorce. Bottomline.....I was second to the addiction. Code no more helped me alot. No contact really is a gift we give ourselves.....the little list is real good. My XAH had some tricks too.....some hooks that pulled me back for awhile.....he got real mushy/lonely around the holidays so I would hear from him......he kept one cat and he would say the cat was missing......(she moved to a neighbors)......he would try different hooks......the last one was he couldn't get a ride to the hospital and thought he broke his leg. I ignored him. His leg was ok. He could have called 911. Alanon has helped me alot...And SR....you get years of experience here and so much wisdom....and I feel a heart connection here that I am so grateful for....You are all on my gratitude list! The more time you put between you and your X the better it will get. I finally got to where I didn't talk about it.....or to anybody in the drama/chaos......I let go to not get dragged.....focus back on me.....took a yoga class.....exercised.....learned to meditate....got new healthy friends......moved......found a great church......and did 90 meetings in 90 days.......worked with an Alanon sponser.......Focus on me.....me.....me......me......I am 3 yrs. after the divorce now and I am so much better without him .......make yourself that little list......I love the commercial on tv with the piggy going we....we.....we.....out the window! We can say me...me....me.....!
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Old 08-26-2010, 06:03 AM
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Then the bird said 'Nevermore'
 
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wow! YOU ARE SO BRAVE
It might not feel that way right now, but from an outside perspective, you are very very brave and I admire you so much! I wish I was able to do what you have done when I was in your shoes. But instead I held on and held on, basically self inflicting pain, and lying to myself that it was going to be okay, knowing in my heart of hearts, it wasn't ever going to be okay.. UNTIL, until he was sober!

So congrats on taking a stand! This is the first day and the beginning of taking your life back from addiction It's not going to be easy. Breakups are hard no matter the circumstances. But it will get better and you will be okay! Your boyfriend and your boyfriend in active addiction are two completely different people.

It is impossible to have a relationship with someone who is in active addiction. Focus on your self and uncovering the person you were before addiction came into your life... find your happiness again!

'Some people think that it's holding on that makes one strong - SOMETIMES IT'S LETTING GO!'.

Keep your head up! & Welcome back to life
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Old 08-26-2010, 06:31 AM
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He will contact you when he's sober. There is no reasoning with an active addict.
Maybe he needs his alone time to figure out his pain.
Maybe this will be his bottom, let him have his bottom
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Old 08-26-2010, 07:25 AM
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thank you all so much for the support

I know he will try to contact me. Maybe not right now or the next couple of days,but I know he will sometime in the next week or so. I haven't found the urge to text or talk to him,because well,there isn't much to say,and if I did say anything it would be the same thing we always talk about,so why waste my breath?

I was always the one who had the urge to to text him after his drunken rampages,first getting really upset at him,then apologizing at him for getting upset...basically i had a conversation with myself on his phone through texts because he rarely texted me back when he was out or called...

His sister told me that I could text her to ask about him,and I did today,but I have yet to receive anything.I am still concerned about him,I mean it's only been a day...

The funny thing is on facebook I noticed he changed his relationship status from 'in a relationship' to 'it's complicated' and it linked my name.I laughed because I changed mine to single.

I just feel really bad for his parents,but his parents don't really do anything,it's like they only give him a slap on the hand. His sister told their mom to kick him out,and at first she refused,but as he was walking out the door,his mom told him to go find another place to live.However,he walked back in,and locked himself in his room.

It's a sad story,people with addictions.I feel like he's a tragedy waiting to happen unless he actually gets professional help.Sometimes I just think about how great it was when he was sober,but I cannot love two people of the same person.

Right now I just have to find things to do,which probably won't be too hard...I start a new semester of college classes this monday and I'm getting more hours at work
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Old 08-26-2010, 03:21 PM
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Hang in there ExCordis!

I found myself in your shoes 3 weeks ago...since then I moved away, changed my phone number, basically no contact!

It is hard, but each day IT GETS A LITTLE BIT EASIER!

Now when I feel the need to reach out to him, I come here and read posts just like yours and it makes me even more determined to have a better life, to be healthy, to be happy.
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Old 08-26-2010, 04:12 PM
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Originally Posted by ExCordis View Post
I hope I'm strong enough to not go back,so I just need support now,and to remind myself of what happened.
You are stronger than you realize. Keep coming here and you will get that support you need in those moments of weakness.

It has been almost 2 months since breaking up with my exabf and I have had those moments of "is this the right thing?" Then I come here...read around a little and confirm it was the BEST thing I could have done for myself and keep it moving.

(((HUGS)))
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