I need some SR perspective
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
And yet people are telling that he has a RIGHT to see his 4th child, our daughter.
The only person who has the RIGHT to tell you that he has a right to see his daughter is a judge. Don't forget that. If he has a problem, he can go to the courts that took away his rights in the first place.
Please God, don't fall for his B.S. He's a dangerous scary man. He scares the heck out of me, and I live in a totally different country.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
One look at his record is enough. He made all sorts of threats re court, custody etc....BUT "cometh the hour NOT cometh the man".
According to your records for visitation, if you hadn't provided transport for her, those visits would not have happened.
Now he has these emails with comments about "fruitless attempts at contact with you, apologies given to you, co-operation promised in future, 155 ignored requests to you about visitation, telling you DSS is happy living with him," and other stuff too much to mention.
Sounds like a good, caring father doesn't it? But NONE of it is true. It is ALL lies.
This is a "man" who has other children by different mums, has swindled these women out of support and dumped those kids, and if I remember correctly....didn't he leave an apartment still owing rent? Did he not come out with total BS about his past, spinning tales like he was Walter Mitty?
He is also a self mutilator, a drunk, an abuser, a convicted criminal, and Heaven only knows what else, but he refuses to see any of this, just goes on and on making demands because "he is a good dad and cares so much for his child".
He is not simply in denial, he is in LaLa Land, and in my opinion is a very mentally disturbed person, who should NEVER be allowed control over a child of any age.
As for those folks full of kindly advice about giving him another chance to be a "responsible father", and change visitation rights as he wants.......let them know that these subjects are not for negotiation.
He has how many children, and not been a "responsible father" to any of them, so why expect change now?
Please do not even think about this manipulative claptrap, which like all his drivel is calculated to upset you and play with your mind. Ignore it all, but keep it for later.
He wants change? Let him find the guts to front a judge, and put his side of the story, if he is so determined....but I think that, before he does that or becomes a real father.....
will freeze over first.
God bless
According to your records for visitation, if you hadn't provided transport for her, those visits would not have happened.
Now he has these emails with comments about "fruitless attempts at contact with you, apologies given to you, co-operation promised in future, 155 ignored requests to you about visitation, telling you DSS is happy living with him," and other stuff too much to mention.
Sounds like a good, caring father doesn't it? But NONE of it is true. It is ALL lies.
This is a "man" who has other children by different mums, has swindled these women out of support and dumped those kids, and if I remember correctly....didn't he leave an apartment still owing rent? Did he not come out with total BS about his past, spinning tales like he was Walter Mitty?
He is also a self mutilator, a drunk, an abuser, a convicted criminal, and Heaven only knows what else, but he refuses to see any of this, just goes on and on making demands because "he is a good dad and cares so much for his child".
He is not simply in denial, he is in LaLa Land, and in my opinion is a very mentally disturbed person, who should NEVER be allowed control over a child of any age.
As for those folks full of kindly advice about giving him another chance to be a "responsible father", and change visitation rights as he wants.......let them know that these subjects are not for negotiation.
He has how many children, and not been a "responsible father" to any of them, so why expect change now?
Please do not even think about this manipulative claptrap, which like all his drivel is calculated to upset you and play with your mind. Ignore it all, but keep it for later.
He wants change? Let him find the guts to front a judge, and put his side of the story, if he is so determined....but I think that, before he does that or becomes a real father.....
will freeze over first.God bless
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
NoDay,
I can't give you legal advice, but I strongly suggest you get some. The threats about "telling your secrets," that you are on his "list of people he wants to kill" ought to be enough to get you a restraining order. Since you have sole custody and he has no visitation rights, there should be no reason for him to have to contact you.
If you can't afford a lawyer, call your local domestic violence hotline and see if you can get some free/low cost legal assistance. Alternatively, call your local police or the prosecutor's office. At best what he is doing is harassment, at worst, terroristic threats.
I can't give you legal advice, but I strongly suggest you get some. The threats about "telling your secrets," that you are on his "list of people he wants to kill" ought to be enough to get you a restraining order. Since you have sole custody and he has no visitation rights, there should be no reason for him to have to contact you.
If you can't afford a lawyer, call your local domestic violence hotline and see if you can get some free/low cost legal assistance. Alternatively, call your local police or the prosecutor's office. At best what he is doing is harassment, at worst, terroristic threats.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi noday-
if you can believe it, my xABF's record beats your XH's. mine had 5 children that i was aware of, with 4 different mothers, 2 children which he wants to see.
the other 3 (2 boys and a daughter) he walked out on in their infancy. the three abandoned are grown up now. they have all tried to establish contact, one inviting him to his wedding and the other one just showed up here one night, hearing that his father might be about.
the third adult is a daughter and he denies she is his. the grandmother pulled him off the street one day and took him into the house and said "your daughter is in the next room. she's 7 now. she wants to meet you". he walked out. i asked him why? he said the mother cheated on him. i asked "how is that the child's fault?". he said he wasn't sure it was his. i asked "does she look like you? is she yours?" and he said, "yes, she's mine".
he ran into her in an apartment that is a drinking den here in town. he didn't ask her if she was his daughter and she didn't say anything either. they were both drinking, she was hanging out with a heroin addict.
one of the adult boys just had a baby girl, which makes xABF a grandfather at 46. his son and new grandchild live on an island near here. we have been on that island many times, each time i begged xABF to meet his son. he never did. one time, the mother had taken a stroke and was dying. again, we were on the island and i begged xABF to go, to offer contact, especially as the mother was dying. nope. the boy invited him to his wedding, xABF didn't even respond.
the other adult son, about 26 now, appeared one day out of nowhere, wanting to meet xABF. he came and stayed with him for 3 days, in which time, the two of them drank solid morning and night. the son asked his father to help him, to teach him how to work the shores here for shellfish, as he had a young family now. xABF said to me "i don't show anyone my shores." xABF managed to get some money off his son for more drink.
the two small children he actually helped raise for some period of their life, the mother fled to ireland with them, after taking shelter in a domestic abuse shelter first. they've been there for 6 years now, of which time xABF has travelled to see them 6 times, all on my dime. to be fair, he did delight in seeing them and they in seeing him. since i've left him, he hasn't gone once.
he really does try to see these two little ones, but the drink always seems to get in the way. he drinks all his wages. when others have helped him (including myself) he frequently *almost* makes it...but misses the plane by 5 minutes twice, catches the first plane but misses the second, borrows all the money to go from kind friends and employers who have listened to his sob story other drinks and then takes all the borrowed money and drinks it instead.
when i met him, he told me he has two children. he still says that, actually. but he has five that i am aware of, probably more.
in his flat, there is a shrine to his little girl. it's a huge picture of her, which he has actually carried about the streets when he was homeless. the sole possession he carries is this huge picture of her. it's tragic really. he's a woodcutter sometimes and he carves her name into every tree he fells. i see her name scratched into trees, into furniture, onto cigerette tins, on his very body...
but, he hasn't seen her since i left. that's because i made it happen, i took him there. he does not seem to be able to get there on his own steam, despite herculean efforts, something always goes amiss.
that's a long story, to make my point. i know that his DD is the most important person in the whole world to him. he thinks of her constantly, speaks of her, carries pictures, etc. but it's all talk. there are very simple little things he could do, such as write her a letter, that just don't happen. oh, he writes plenty of letters, but they don't get sent.
i totally sympathise with his suffering. it's the vicious circle of grief and regret which is part of the disease of alcoholism. but, he still denies drink is a problem, and so this tragic suffering on the part of both the parent and the child continues and probably will continue until they are children no more.
i wouldn't want to be his child. half of them grew up not even knowing him and the other two still suffer for his promises to come visit, his promises to send money, his promises to call every tuesday. i don't know how many times i watched him miss his weekly phone call because he was drinking. i would always say "DD is waiting for you, right now, in ireland. call her and just say hello." and if he was drinking, he wouldn't call and the hour would slip by for that week.
i understand that he is threatening you with information about yourself that you wish to remain private. i understand that this is troubling you, as it's not really something the courts can assist with, is it? i do understand this type of blackmail. it's a tough spot.
my xABF threatened similar to the mother of DD, but did not act on any of it. she felt threatened enough to go to another country, far away from here. what happened was that she went a missing for one year. he didn't know where the children were at all. after contact was re-established, he changed and eased up on the threats and try to be nice to her, so he could remain in contact with DD.
i don't know your man, but one thing we can count on is that the drink makes them dull and inefficient and frequently, they threaten but can't actually follow thru because they are drunk or hungover or too busy putting out their own fires, such as lack of funds or lack of roof or lack of drink.
with mine, the threats eased off as time went by and he understood that she meant business. he backed down and ceased threatening.
if you can believe it, my xABF's record beats your XH's. mine had 5 children that i was aware of, with 4 different mothers, 2 children which he wants to see.
the other 3 (2 boys and a daughter) he walked out on in their infancy. the three abandoned are grown up now. they have all tried to establish contact, one inviting him to his wedding and the other one just showed up here one night, hearing that his father might be about.
the third adult is a daughter and he denies she is his. the grandmother pulled him off the street one day and took him into the house and said "your daughter is in the next room. she's 7 now. she wants to meet you". he walked out. i asked him why? he said the mother cheated on him. i asked "how is that the child's fault?". he said he wasn't sure it was his. i asked "does she look like you? is she yours?" and he said, "yes, she's mine".
he ran into her in an apartment that is a drinking den here in town. he didn't ask her if she was his daughter and she didn't say anything either. they were both drinking, she was hanging out with a heroin addict.
one of the adult boys just had a baby girl, which makes xABF a grandfather at 46. his son and new grandchild live on an island near here. we have been on that island many times, each time i begged xABF to meet his son. he never did. one time, the mother had taken a stroke and was dying. again, we were on the island and i begged xABF to go, to offer contact, especially as the mother was dying. nope. the boy invited him to his wedding, xABF didn't even respond.
the other adult son, about 26 now, appeared one day out of nowhere, wanting to meet xABF. he came and stayed with him for 3 days, in which time, the two of them drank solid morning and night. the son asked his father to help him, to teach him how to work the shores here for shellfish, as he had a young family now. xABF said to me "i don't show anyone my shores." xABF managed to get some money off his son for more drink.
the two small children he actually helped raise for some period of their life, the mother fled to ireland with them, after taking shelter in a domestic abuse shelter first. they've been there for 6 years now, of which time xABF has travelled to see them 6 times, all on my dime. to be fair, he did delight in seeing them and they in seeing him. since i've left him, he hasn't gone once.
he really does try to see these two little ones, but the drink always seems to get in the way. he drinks all his wages. when others have helped him (including myself) he frequently *almost* makes it...but misses the plane by 5 minutes twice, catches the first plane but misses the second, borrows all the money to go from kind friends and employers who have listened to his sob story other drinks and then takes all the borrowed money and drinks it instead.
when i met him, he told me he has two children. he still says that, actually. but he has five that i am aware of, probably more.
in his flat, there is a shrine to his little girl. it's a huge picture of her, which he has actually carried about the streets when he was homeless. the sole possession he carries is this huge picture of her. it's tragic really. he's a woodcutter sometimes and he carves her name into every tree he fells. i see her name scratched into trees, into furniture, onto cigerette tins, on his very body...
but, he hasn't seen her since i left. that's because i made it happen, i took him there. he does not seem to be able to get there on his own steam, despite herculean efforts, something always goes amiss.
that's a long story, to make my point. i know that his DD is the most important person in the whole world to him. he thinks of her constantly, speaks of her, carries pictures, etc. but it's all talk. there are very simple little things he could do, such as write her a letter, that just don't happen. oh, he writes plenty of letters, but they don't get sent.
i totally sympathise with his suffering. it's the vicious circle of grief and regret which is part of the disease of alcoholism. but, he still denies drink is a problem, and so this tragic suffering on the part of both the parent and the child continues and probably will continue until they are children no more.
i wouldn't want to be his child. half of them grew up not even knowing him and the other two still suffer for his promises to come visit, his promises to send money, his promises to call every tuesday. i don't know how many times i watched him miss his weekly phone call because he was drinking. i would always say "DD is waiting for you, right now, in ireland. call her and just say hello." and if he was drinking, he wouldn't call and the hour would slip by for that week.
i understand that he is threatening you with information about yourself that you wish to remain private. i understand that this is troubling you, as it's not really something the courts can assist with, is it? i do understand this type of blackmail. it's a tough spot.
my xABF threatened similar to the mother of DD, but did not act on any of it. she felt threatened enough to go to another country, far away from here. what happened was that she went a missing for one year. he didn't know where the children were at all. after contact was re-established, he changed and eased up on the threats and try to be nice to her, so he could remain in contact with DD.
i don't know your man, but one thing we can count on is that the drink makes them dull and inefficient and frequently, they threaten but can't actually follow thru because they are drunk or hungover or too busy putting out their own fires, such as lack of funds or lack of roof or lack of drink.
with mine, the threats eased off as time went by and he understood that she meant business. he backed down and ceased threatening.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 13
hi all, NoDay here with an alternate screen name (I'm having some weird login issues and will be at home for the next few weeks).
I just wanted to take the time to thank you for your wonderful insight on my situation. It has really helped solidify my resolve to keep XAH out of my life. After a rather lengthy and tearful talk with my parents where we all shared our anxiety, we have all elected to ignore/block XAH's emails and to wait and see if he actually has the guts to call me and ask for visitation. Even then, I'm not sure I'll want to reintroduce him to DD. We ALL feel that the damage XAH did to DSS shows him to be a poor parent; we do not want DD to have to deal with the verbal abuse, the control, the never-ending manipulation, not to mention the parental alienation XAH dishes out whenever he can. I love DSS a great deal, but I fear that he'll need some serious therapy to heal all the damage his father did to him emotionally.
I know that legally, XAH was granted visitation, but last time I checked, he wasn't willing to help DD acclimate to a new situation, nor was he willing to cooperate with me to guarantee that the visitation situation was safe. Cosidering I have discretion over visitation, I'm basing my refusal to communicate with him on these facts... It drives me a bit crazy that legally, there's all this precedent for fathers' rights, and it takes SO MUCH for an inept or dangerous parent to have his rights removed...the rest is all grey shades. XAH falls into that category.
Anyhow, I know that this is all part of my journey, and I know for a fact that it's not over yet (I got a call from the government appointment collector to discuss child support collection at source from XAH's salary). I guess I'll keep you posted.
I just wanted to take the time to thank you for your wonderful insight on my situation. It has really helped solidify my resolve to keep XAH out of my life. After a rather lengthy and tearful talk with my parents where we all shared our anxiety, we have all elected to ignore/block XAH's emails and to wait and see if he actually has the guts to call me and ask for visitation. Even then, I'm not sure I'll want to reintroduce him to DD. We ALL feel that the damage XAH did to DSS shows him to be a poor parent; we do not want DD to have to deal with the verbal abuse, the control, the never-ending manipulation, not to mention the parental alienation XAH dishes out whenever he can. I love DSS a great deal, but I fear that he'll need some serious therapy to heal all the damage his father did to him emotionally.
I know that legally, XAH was granted visitation, but last time I checked, he wasn't willing to help DD acclimate to a new situation, nor was he willing to cooperate with me to guarantee that the visitation situation was safe. Cosidering I have discretion over visitation, I'm basing my refusal to communicate with him on these facts... It drives me a bit crazy that legally, there's all this precedent for fathers' rights, and it takes SO MUCH for an inept or dangerous parent to have his rights removed...the rest is all grey shades. XAH falls into that category.
Anyhow, I know that this is all part of my journey, and I know for a fact that it's not over yet (I got a call from the government appointment collector to discuss child support collection at source from XAH's salary). I guess I'll keep you posted.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Thank you for this thread NoDay and everyone who commented. It has helped me to be sure I am doing the right thing by minding my own damn business. A person recently tried to hook me into doing what THEY wanted me to do by screaming and yelling at me and accusing me of "not caring" about my BF's children. They acted this way because I refuse to get involved with the parenting of my BF's children. These children already have two parents who have chosen what I feel are strange and possibly harmful ways of parenting. I could get involved, advise my BF to do one thing or another, take on new responsibilities, and/or act one way or another. In other words, I could do things in such a way I feel (1) is "best for the children" and/or (2) is the best or healthiest way to parent, but guess what?
It is not my responsibility to guide, accommodate, or create a relationship between a parent and their child, EVEN THOUGH I might feel it is the "right" and moral thing to do. Not only that, I would have to be CONSTANTLY involved in everything that happens with the children and between their parents. And I don't WANT to be THAT involved in someone else's life. Part of the reason I have changed my behavior to a "not my business" stance is because whenever I HAVE tried to "help" someone with their parenting responsibilities, or to do what I felt was in the best interest of the child (all in the name of LOVE by the way), I have taken on WAY too much responsibility (as if MY life wasn't ENOUGH responsibility already) AND my relationship with the children was severed in the end.
So, my belief is that as codependents, we worry too much about how the other person's lack of participation will affect the child. We judge those people and attribute their bad behavior to whatever makes the most sense to us (alcoholism is to blame, right?). And then we try to compensate for their bad parenting. Or we take on responsibility for them and try to GET them to be better parents. We drive the kids to the alcoholic (or in my case, fly the kids), we accommodate, we take on so much we cannot manage all the responsibilities on our own, and we take on the other parent's responsibilities. In other words, we ENABLE and prevent ourselves from serenity.
I refuse to enable ONE MORE PERSON. I refuse to take on ONE MORE PERSON's parenting responsibilities. I refuse to get so involved in another person's life that I am making their decisions FOR them. I choose to mind my own business. And I am glad, NoDay, that you have decided to ignore him once again.
Thanks again for sharing.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
The legal aspects of visitation are sometimes very black and white--others not so. Yours sounds like it is NOT black and white. If you want to make sure--call up family court and verify what his rights are. It would probably be too much effort for him to try to file a contempt motion against you (he would lose anyway since he is not providing a safe environment). stbxah was not allowed overnights until he had adequate housing.
2 weekends ago older DS told me he was NOT going to his Dad's ever again because all he does is yell at him and say nasty stuff about me (and said he wanted to tell him to stop but thought he would start yelling at him again). My atty. told me to do everything in my power to get older DS to go with his Dad so I cajoled and eventually he did go. But after he left I realized I would never do it again because by doing it the message I gave to him is that the law does not care how poorly your father treats you (and neither do I), you are still required to go with him for visitation. My atty. told me if older DS would not go I could be held in contempt. Again, I thought--I am doing NOTHING to prevent older DS from going, he does not want to go. If it ever happens again I plan on doing. . .n-o-t-h-i-n-g. stbxah can call the cops and then he can explain that DS will not leave (or he will try to say that I am preventing it). It will be apparent that is not so.
Your daughter cannot talk and if the court gave you discretion over visitation and you are not abusing that discretion. . .then it would seem you are within your rights. You are keeping great records--keep doing it. If by some far cry he actually tried to file some frivolous contempt charge you will have your documentation--I would guess he will have none.
2 weekends ago older DS told me he was NOT going to his Dad's ever again because all he does is yell at him and say nasty stuff about me (and said he wanted to tell him to stop but thought he would start yelling at him again). My atty. told me to do everything in my power to get older DS to go with his Dad so I cajoled and eventually he did go. But after he left I realized I would never do it again because by doing it the message I gave to him is that the law does not care how poorly your father treats you (and neither do I), you are still required to go with him for visitation. My atty. told me if older DS would not go I could be held in contempt. Again, I thought--I am doing NOTHING to prevent older DS from going, he does not want to go. If it ever happens again I plan on doing. . .n-o-t-h-i-n-g. stbxah can call the cops and then he can explain that DS will not leave (or he will try to say that I am preventing it). It will be apparent that is not so.
Your daughter cannot talk and if the court gave you discretion over visitation and you are not abusing that discretion. . .then it would seem you are within your rights. You are keeping great records--keep doing it. If by some far cry he actually tried to file some frivolous contempt charge you will have your documentation--I would guess he will have none.
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