hi noday-
if you can believe it, my xABF's record beats your XH's. mine had 5 children that i was aware of, with 4 different mothers, 2 children which he wants to see.
the other 3 (2 boys and a daughter) he walked out on in their infancy. the three abandoned are grown up now. they have all tried to establish contact, one inviting him to his wedding and the other one just showed up here one night, hearing that his father might be about.
the third adult is a daughter and he denies she is his. the grandmother pulled him off the street one day and took him into the house and said "your daughter is in the next room. she's 7 now. she wants to meet you". he walked out. i asked him why? he said the mother cheated on him. i asked "how is that the child's fault?". he said he wasn't sure it was his. i asked "does she look like you? is she yours?" and he said, "yes, she's mine".
he ran into her in an apartment that is a drinking den here in town. he didn't ask her if she was his daughter and she didn't say anything either. they were both drinking, she was hanging out with a heroin addict.
one of the adult boys just had a baby girl, which makes xABF a grandfather at 46. his son and new grandchild live on an island near here. we have been on that island many times, each time i begged xABF to meet his son. he never did. one time, the mother had taken a stroke and was dying. again, we were on the island and i begged xABF to go, to offer contact, especially as the mother was dying. nope. the boy invited him to his wedding, xABF didn't even respond.
the other adult son, about 26 now, appeared one day out of nowhere, wanting to meet xABF. he came and stayed with him for 3 days, in which time, the two of them drank solid morning and night. the son asked his father to help him, to teach him how to work the shores here for shellfish, as he had a young family now. xABF said to me "i don't show anyone my shores." xABF managed to get some money off his son for more drink.
the two small children he actually helped raise for some period of their life, the mother fled to ireland with them, after taking shelter in a domestic abuse shelter first. they've been there for 6 years now, of which time xABF has travelled to see them 6 times, all on my dime. to be fair, he did delight in seeing them and they in seeing him. since i've left him, he hasn't gone once.
he really does try to see these two little ones, but the drink always seems to get in the way. he drinks all his wages. when others have helped him (including myself) he frequently *almost* makes it...but misses the plane by 5 minutes twice, catches the first plane but misses the second, borrows all the money to go from kind friends and employers who have listened to his sob story other drinks and then takes all the borrowed money and drinks it instead.
when i met him, he told me he has two children. he still says that, actually. but he has five that i am aware of, probably more.
in his flat, there is a shrine to his little girl. it's a huge picture of her, which he has actually carried about the streets when he was homeless. the sole possession he carries is this huge picture of her. it's tragic really. he's a woodcutter sometimes and he carves her name into every tree he fells. i see her name scratched into trees, into furniture, onto cigerette tins, on his very body...
but, he hasn't seen her since i left. that's because i made it happen, i took him there. he does not seem to be able to get there on his own steam, despite herculean efforts, something always goes amiss.
that's a long story, to make my point. i know that his DD is the most important person in the whole world to him. he thinks of her constantly, speaks of her, carries pictures, etc. but it's all talk. there are very simple little things he could do, such as write her a letter, that just don't happen. oh, he writes plenty of letters, but they don't get sent.
i totally sympathise with his suffering. it's the vicious circle of grief and regret which is part of the disease of alcoholism. but, he still denies drink is a problem, and so this tragic suffering on the part of both the parent and the child continues and probably will continue until they are children no more.
i wouldn't want to be his child. half of them grew up not even knowing him and the other two still suffer for his promises to come visit, his promises to send money, his promises to call every tuesday. i don't know how many times i watched him miss his weekly phone call because he was drinking. i would always say "DD is waiting for you, right now, in ireland. call her and just say hello." and if he was drinking, he wouldn't call and the hour would slip by for that week.
i understand that he is threatening you with information about yourself that you wish to remain private. i understand that this is troubling you, as it's not really something the courts can assist with, is it? i do understand this type of blackmail. it's a tough spot.
my xABF threatened similar to the mother of DD, but did not act on any of it. she felt threatened enough to go to another country, far away from here. what happened was that she went a missing for one year. he didn't know where the children were at all. after contact was re-established, he changed and eased up on the threats and try to be nice to her, so he could remain in contact with DD.
i don't know your man, but one thing we can count on is that the drink makes them dull and inefficient and frequently, they threaten but can't actually follow thru because they are drunk or hungover or too busy putting out their own fires, such as lack of funds or lack of roof or lack of drink.
with mine, the threats eased off as time went by and he understood that she meant business. he backed down and ceased threatening.