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Trying to regain sanity...

Old 07-12-2010, 11:00 AM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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So stop being nice. Don't take any more calls from his mother. If other people want to continue to enable him, there is nothing you can do about it. But you don't have to continue to enable him. Nor do you have to subject yourself to any more abusive tirades. You don't owe his mother an ear. It isn't surprising his mother is being abusive. Alcoholics stick together. Everything is always someone else's fault, always.
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Old 07-12-2010, 12:51 PM
  # 42 (permalink)  
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missb...this guy and his enabling mother are playing "Go Fish" with you. They're trying everything to lure you back into their madness. The mother is using the threatening method and the guy is using the "pity me" method (i.e. I'm having a panic attack, feel sorry for me, come rescue me!!).

I hope you can see this.

Don't waver.

Don't pick up the phone. Block their numbers and emails.

CREATE a space of peace for yourself. You do not owe this guy anything.

Perhaps invite a friend over or organize a nice treat for yourself (I always got a kick out of giving myself a pedicure in a crazy colour and making one of those brownie mixes...YUM!). Focus on YOU and forget about him. The frenzy will die out eventually.
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Old 07-12-2010, 01:05 PM
  # 43 (permalink)  
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Hello and Hugs. Blessings to you and your new baby.

That being said, you have a new baby. You need to focus on her and what is best for her. Having an alcoholic in her life is not what is best. If you let this go,trust me, you will eventually get sick of all of his bull. It may take years, but you will. Then what will your little girl have when he leaves??

A man who has caused her mental damage because he has hurt her from being an alcoholic. A man who is not her father that you will have to force out of both of your lives because you cannot stand it anymore for either of you, your daughter or yourself!!

When my husband went to rehab it was the hardest thing to actually realize all the mental damage his antics have caused our girls. They are the most wonderful people in the world and have been hurt by their own father. So, they are in counseling and WILL get past this. He is in counseling and will get past this. I am in counseling and will have to get past not only the damage he has done to me over the years but the guilt that I let my girls be exposed to this in their lives and that they now have a much bigger chance of being users later in their own lives. It breaks my heart.

If you and your baby are so important to him, he will be willing to go to rehab or anything else in the world to make it work. Do not tolerate a user in your lives. Protect that little girl at all costs. If he is not willing to get clean and STAY CLEAN how much does this all mean to him then?

This is just my opinion. I have so many regrets and it has been so much hardship that I did not have to go through. I should have put my foot down years ago....AND LEFT IT THERE! Instead i was too busy trying to "fix" my husband, make excuses for him and take care of him like he was my child instead of having a partner to parent our real children with.

Good luck and God Bless no matter what you decide to do. Take care of yourself and your baby. Have a support system of clean, good people who care about you.

Remember...SR is always open!! Keep posting and reading.
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Old 07-14-2010, 10:31 PM
  # 44 (permalink)  
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Now it's been a few days and he hasn't called. I feel sick for now almost wanting him to call, to pretend like he's still desperate for his family. I find myself wondering if he's already slept with someone else, what he's doing, ect. He stopped by today for a brief second and grabbed his phone charger from my dad. He showed my dad that he got a tattoo of my daughter's name, and his other daughter's name (who he hasnt seen since she was one, she's ten now, due to his lifestyle when he was 18, which hasn't changed much.) Why would he tattoo her name on him after we've been broken up. It upsets me. I just feel like I'm still not in charge of my own brain and I wish I wasn't upset that it seems like he's already over me.
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Old 07-15-2010, 12:22 AM
  # 45 (permalink)  
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Are you going to al-anon meetings? I'm telling you, al-anon has done wonders for me, to help take away MY addiction to my ex.

You are as addicted to him as he is to alcohol, and now you're going through that jittery withdrawal.."what is he doing? is he with another woman? Why would he do this? why would he do that?"

Question is, why are you still so focused on him?

It's like MY ex. I told him what needs to happen to make this relationship work: 1) stop drinking. 2) get counseling w/me

He refused to do either. If I am so unimportant to him that he cannot make the effort, why should I waste a single moment worrying about him, thinking about him, etc.
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Old 07-15-2010, 06:48 AM
  # 46 (permalink)  
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Miss: instead of hoping he will change, hope for change in you. Care about your child and don't worry about him caring. It's a huge waste of energy and will kill your soul.
You want him to love and care about you because that's the only way you can feel love for yourself. It's validation.
You can't get validated from an active addict. You learned this from a Father who's the same way.
You can't make his stop drinking, you have no power there, but what you do have power over is you and your choices.

Keep posting and talking this out
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Old 07-15-2010, 07:08 AM
  # 47 (permalink)  
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Welcome to the SR family!

I hope you will make the time (one hour) to attend an Alanon meeting. You will find a room of people who know what you are going through. They will give you their phone numbers so that you can reach out for help anytime, anyday.

In addition to the meetings, I recommend finding a copy of "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.

Relationships with active alcoholics often result in the other partner becoming codependent. The alcoholic needs treatment for the alcoholism and the codependent needs treatments for the codependency. Both sides need recovery.
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Old 07-15-2010, 07:30 AM
  # 48 (permalink)  
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missb69 -- I always used to think the phrase "get a hobby" was so mean until someone I loved said it to me and I took a moment to think about it. I decided to take his advice literally and actually took up a new hobby and it really helped me a lot. What I found was that sometimes "getting a hobby" (i.e. finding something new in life that brings you joy, something that gets you outside of life's drama and troubles, preferably something that teaches you something and is engaging, productive, etc.) is the best thing one can do for oneself.

So, in all seriousness, and not intending to be at all abrasive, I want to tell you to "get a hobby." Go out and discover the world outside yourself, outside this man and his mother, outside your own parents even... take a class or even just start reading a good book. Just DO something. As the saying goes... "the devil rides on an idle horse." And while you might not feel idle right now, you're actually just wearing yourself out running around in small circles (which is really no better).
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Old 07-15-2010, 01:33 PM
  # 49 (permalink)  
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He called my dad from his new cell phone number saying how hes riding on theback of a motorcycle looking for jobs, and hes over me and doesn't want to talk to me anymore. So, me, being the irrational ******* I am, called him screaming telling him to leave my dad alone and to stop calling him. I cussed him and told him he'll never see my daughter or his and that he should've never gotten that tattoo. He called my dad and told him he was going to call the cops on me if I didn't leave him alone. Also, my dad refuses to quit talking to him and tells me I can't chose his friends for him. He says its my fault hes drinking and that I'm ruining his life. My "Codependant no more" book gets here today so hopefully that will help me. Also, my daughters real father finally contacted me and will be in town this weekend. He wants a paternity test but says if she is his (which i know she is) that he will help me out and would want me to move out to Colorado with him. Sooo there's a lot going on.
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Old 07-16-2010, 10:11 AM
  # 50 (permalink)  
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Hi, MissB89. Hugs. It definitely sounds crazy-making. Take a deep breath.

Originally Posted by missb89 View Post
He says its my fault hes drinking and that I'm ruining his life.
Try to remember that you KNOW it's his own choice to drink. Alcoholics do not need any one to make them drink. They do not need a reason. They just need to drink and they come up with excuses to try to rationalize the need.

I had the hardest time remembering that. My STBXAH had *great* excuses: There's a game on, I have to drink. There's no game on, I have to drink. My job is so hard, I need a drink. My job is so easy, lame and boring, I need a drink. He'd throw in: I drink because you're a nag/frigid/b---h. etc. For the longest time I believed him, because I thought there had to be some reason that he drank.

IMO, it's great that your little girl's father is willing to discuss being part of her life. Again here, I'd like to throw in a few "Remember's"':

Remember that nothing has to be decided right now / today / on any one else's time line but your own.
Remember that there are a lot of ways that he can be involved in her life.
Remember to trust your instincts.
Remember that moving to another state is a big decision - especially if you have no friends or family (ie support system) in the new place.

Hang in there.
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