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Trying to regain sanity...

Old 07-08-2010, 04:16 PM
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Trying to regain sanity...

My name is Sarah and I am new to this forum. I will start with my story. I knew a guy at work for over a year and had developed a crush on him. I knew that he was an exessive drinker, but for some reason this didn't concern me. We would flirt innocently and frequently. A few months later I found out I was pregnant, and the father of my child headed for the hills of Colorado leaving me alone. Tony felt sorry for me and invited me over to hang out. The first time we hung out he was so drunk he ended up getting naked and trying to dance around, and do all sorts of belligerant things. I left and told him I'd rather not hang out again. The next day he called me and told me he was never drinking again and he wanted me to come over. I did, and a relationship started from there. He stayed clean for 21 days and I really thought that meant something great, how naieve I was. We have been together now for the past nine months, throughout my entire pregnancy, and I now have a 6 week old baby girl. Throughout our whole relationship it's been cycles of binge drinking, promises of not drinking, quitting, just this last time for a whole 6 weeks. I tried to control him and ended up driving myself crazy. I would try to dictate which days of the week he could drink, how much, and of what. He would comply but then after a few weeks he wanted to add another day, and another day. He has embarrassed me at family functions and made me feel so stressed I would think I was going to explode. He makes me feel like I'm crazy, he has no problem. He tells me not to listen to these people on the internet, they don't know him. He has every excuse and reason in the world to do what he does. Now I finally tried to break up wtih him, and we have been living with my parents. My parents are giving him a few days to find somewhere to go so they won't kick him right out. My dad has been an alcoholic for 30+ years and for the past few days has been getting wasted with my now ex-boyfriend. They've been on each other's sides talking about how I think I'm perfect, and how stupid I am, how I am wrong, ect. ect. They are like their own little team. I am so infuriated, disgusted, and saddened by this that I refuse to stay at my own home until he is out of the house. So my daughter and I are staying at a friends house until Saturday when he leaves. I can't find any piece of mind and i can't relax because i keep getting so mad thinking about how i am here while he at home with my dad getting drunk and badmouthing me even though he "loves". I have taken him back so many times but this is one of the most hurtful things that he could do to me. My father and I's relationship and his alcoholism and emotional and physical abuse have scarred me for life, and now here he is making him his best friend and enabaling him. I have typed a whole novel here but any responses would be appreicated I am desperate for anything.
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Old 07-08-2010, 05:46 PM
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Get to an alanon meeting if you can. Everything in you post revolved around him, his drinking, and all the insanity that goes with it. You owe it to yourself (and your baby) to take care of yourself and work your own recovery.
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Old 07-08-2010, 11:03 PM
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Take the time to focus on yourself and your new little one.
You have a baby by a man who literally headed for the hills and then replaced him with an alcoholic ( just like dad )
Only when you focus on figuring out yourself and get yourself healthy will you make the right choices for you as a woman and as a mother. We have to grow to make choices that are wise and not just familiar to what we grew up with.

You deserve a good life. Make it happen One good decision after another.
It sounds like you are headed in that direction by detaching from the chaos of this guy and your dad. Are there any other living arrangements besides with your parents ?

Congratulations on having your baby. May you get to a calm place to enjoy these precious times.
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Old 07-08-2010, 11:23 PM
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Oh, but we DO know Tony. Very, very well. Does he really think he is a special unique snowflake alcoholic? He isn't, and the story is all too familair to many of us here.

You are a new mother to a brand new life. How exciting! THAT should be the focus of your energy--not some deadbeat alcoholic who is now muddying up an already painful family dynamic. Keep putting as much physical and emotional distance between you and this painful situation, and the alcoholics, as you can and you will be fine. Start making the choices today to bring about positive change---maybe a different living situation would be a good place to start?
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Old 07-09-2010, 05:43 AM
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welcome to sober recovery, missb. this is indeed the right place for you, and that duo is just attempting to protect themselves and their addictions.

you sound like you are on the way to sanity - sometimes the follow-through is the hardest part.

stick with us here; we will support you.
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Old 07-09-2010, 06:44 AM
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missb...WELCOME to SR!! I'm glad you found this place. The people here are awesome and they literally saved me.

Just in case you have a doubt, we do indeed know Tony. He's like every other alkie and uses the same excuses. It's rather boring actually. This Classir Reading link is one of my favourite eye-openers:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...lics-make.html

While you focus on your beautiful new baby girl, try to remember the 3 C's of addiction:
You didn't CAUSE it.
You can't CURE it.
You can't CONTROL it.

Nothing you ever say or do can change your alkie boyfriend (or father for that matter). You're not that powerful! All you can do is focus on yourself and your lovely baby.

So let me ask you: What do you want for yourself? Where do you see yourself in a year? How do you plan on getting there?

I'm glad you're at a friends' house for now. Is there anywhere else you can stay (besides with your alcoholic father?).

Keep posting and reading. SR is always open!
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Old 07-09-2010, 09:02 AM
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i also have a baby, the only difference is i was with a heiron addict for three years and then got pregnant by him, when i joined SR and got advice i took my son out of the house we were living in together. Really the only person you need to worry about right now is the baby. I did and i am so much happier, don't get me wrong i miss my xabf and he is still in the picture cause he is sober and going to rehab AGAIN!! but i have my boundaries and i'm sticking to it for my precious son.

Good luck and congratulations!!
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Old 07-09-2010, 02:32 PM
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Welcome to SR, MissB89.

Hugs, hugs, hugs, for you and your brand new little girl. This is such an amazing (if sleep-deprived) and rewarding time as you bond with your child and start learning who she is. It goes way too fast. (My little one is 5-1/2 years old now! OMG! When did that happen?! )

for removing yourselves from the home until he leaves. It was hard to do, I'm sure. I know. Focus on that darling little girl and yourself. Keep reading and posting here. Checking out Al-Anon, if you haven't already, is a wonderful suggestion. Both SR and Al-Anon are wonderful places of support.

Welcome and wishing you continued strength.
Hugs.
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Old 07-10-2010, 01:58 PM
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Thank you. I made the mistake of going up to his work today to yell at him. He and my dad went to the bar, where they preceeded to tell everyone there who would listen Tony's situation and how unfortunate he is, and he already got a new phone number and arranged a date. My mom tried to prevent me from going up there but I was out of control speeding up the interstate (not with Ayla in the car of course.) I don't know why I went. I didn't get any answers, and I still tried to make him see that he's an alcoholic even though I know I can't. I screamed, cuss, and shook the whole way to the bar I dropped him off at. He's already over me it seems, which to me means he must have not cared at all in the first place. I wish I didn't care, I wish this didn't hurt. I wish that I didn't have to live here with my father because he hates me and I truly cannot stand him, but I am not currently employed and have no means to get my own place.
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Old 07-10-2010, 02:11 PM
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Honey, eventually you will get to the point where you don't care.

I was in a 3 yr off and on rel'ship with an alcoholic, and my story is very similar to yours, except I don't have an A dad to complicate the mix. (BTW your dad and him are hanging out because As just love to hang out with each other...they love to pat each other on the back and give each other validation for their f'd up lifestyles...)

I also don't have a baby.

I cannot reiterate ENOUGH what the others have already told you.

In al-anon, we call it "detaching with love'...although, given the stupid s**t our As have done, and all the harmful stuff we've put up with, it can be EXCEPTIONALLY hard to add love to the mix...but yes, we need to detach.

Sounds to me like you're getting nothing out of continuing to interact with him but pain and frustration, and he's like a psychic vampire, feeding on your attention. Don't you deserve better than this? Doesn't your precious baby? He doesnt' deserve any more of your time, energy, or focus.

Originally Posted by missb89 View Post
Thank you. I made the mistake of going up to his work today to yell at him. He and my dad went to the bar, where they preceeded to tell everyone there who would listen Tony's situation and how unfortunate he is, and he already got a new phone number and arranged a date. My mom tried to prevent me from going up there but I was out of control speeding up the interstate (not with Ayla in the car of course.) I don't know why I went. I didn't get any answers, and I still tried to make him see that he's an alcoholic even though I know I can't. I screamed, cuss, and shook the whole way to the bar I dropped him off at. He's already over me it seems, which to me means he must have not cared at all in the first place. I wish I didn't care, I wish this didn't hurt. I wish that I didn't have to live here with my father because he hates me and I truly cannot stand him, but I am not currently employed and have no means to get my own place.
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Old 07-10-2010, 02:46 PM
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Sarah, hon, driving like that is DANGEROUS. You care enough about the baby's well-being not to drive like that with HER in the car, do you see you need to care enough about YOURSELF to not drive like that with YOU in the car?

I TOTALLY understand where you are coming from because I have done the EXACT same kinds of things in the past myself. But Sarah, when you go and scream and yell at him like that, all you are doing is showing him YOU are out of control and that makes him think he is RIGHT. It does not help ANYONE and only harms you. I recommend that when you get like this, when you have the urge to do this kind of thing, that you instead go to an Al-Anon meeting. Say the Serenity Prayer as often as you need to until you have calmed down.
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Old 07-11-2010, 01:59 PM
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He called me and says he still wants to help with the baby and asked if I would let him visit her for an hour or so a couple of times a week. I don't know what to do. He keeps saying that he really wishes that we could just work things out but I know that as long as he isn't willing to help himself or get into recovery that it would never work out no matter how hard I tried. Do you think it is a bad idea to let him see the baby? I feel guilty because I know he is attached to her but I really don't know what to do.
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Old 07-11-2010, 02:06 PM
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If it were me, one of the consequences I'd make him face from his drinking is that no, he can't see the baby.

It's not his baby, right? He has no rights to her. Plus I really wouldn't want my baby around an alcoholic.

But that's just me.

(Besides, that also sounds to me like he's looking for an excuse to see YOU. Alcoholics are master manipulators.)

Originally Posted by missb89 View Post
He called me and says he still wants to help with the baby and asked if I would let him visit her for an hour or so a couple of times a week. I don't know what to do. He keeps saying that he really wishes that we could just work things out but I know that as long as he isn't willing to help himself or get into recovery that it would never work out no matter how hard I tried. Do you think it is a bad idea to let him see the baby? I feel guilty because I know he is attached to her but I really don't know what to do.
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Old 07-11-2010, 02:14 PM
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I'm no mind reader but here's my interpretation:

He called me and says he still wants to help with the baby and asked if I would let him visit her for an hour or so a couple of times a week.
You have a need. He KNOWS what that need is and he is exploiting that need. "Help with the baby" is your hook. It is how he hooks you. Don't fall for it.

I feel guilty because I know he is attached to her
You cannot KNOW whether or not he is in fact "attached" to her. Feeling guilty about this is only going to hook you back in. Stop feeling guilty about ANYTHING. It is not your fault he is doing what he is doing---there is NOTHING to feel guilty about.

My vote is: DO NOT FALL FOR THIS.
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Old 07-11-2010, 02:19 PM
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Yes, I find that funny - "help with the baby" - seriously, has he been any help up to this point? hmmm
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Old 07-11-2010, 02:26 PM
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Yeah I told him he would have to be sober in order to see her, and he agreed which isn't that hard because he could go days, even weeks without drinking sometimes under my nagging. I told him he could see her for just a little while but I'm thinking that I may have to tell him it can't happen. I don't know why he's trying to hook me back in, he has his momma to take care of him now, what does he need me for? He can't really love me, can he? I am fighting myself every second of these past few days not to cave in. I wonder if I'm giving up on him. Would the right thing to do be to have stayed with him through his sickness if I really loved him and wait to see if he would find recovery. I can't stop thinking about him, it's obsessive, and I keep waiting for the phone to ring.
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Old 07-11-2010, 02:29 PM
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Well he has been of help as far as he bought all her diapers, bottles, toys, anything she needed he did take care of. He built her room all by himself, he was there when she was born and stayed in the hospital with me the whole time. This is why I feel cruel if I don't let him see her. He was also clean for 6 weeks and that was up through the end of my pregancy, but a week after she was born he wanted to have a beer to "celebrate" which I enabled by drinking a glass of champagne wiht him, and from that point on he would drink on the weekends, and then he wanted to have a few drinks during the week to "relax." The day that we broke up he just asked for a few beers and I blew up and told him to get out. He keeps saying that everyone thinks it's ridiculous that I broke up with him over only wanting a few beers, and that I could've just told him no and that would've been the end of it.
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Old 07-11-2010, 02:31 PM
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No no no no no no...

..alcoholism is not a sickness like cancer. Staying with an alcoholic and helping him out his messes only teaches him that there are no consequences for his drinking, which is what helps KEEP him drinking.

It seems counterintuitive, but we are always actually HELPING the alcoholic by detaching when they are in active disease.

It's hard to say what he really wants from you, but someone who cannot love himself, can also NOT love you. It's just not possible. He might just want to keep you around so he can maintain the delusion that he's actually capable of conducting a relationship with a woman and therefore is NOT an alcoholic.

Originally Posted by missb89 View Post
Would the right thing to do be to have stayed with him through his sickness if I really loved him and wait to see if he would find recovery.
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Old 07-11-2010, 02:33 PM
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Hon, my ex tried to pull the same cr*p...saying this is all over a couple of beers...don't believe it. It's verbal maniuplation (or as we say in al-anon, "quacking.")

This is a really great site, all about alcoholism, and this page might help you. It talks about what is enabling, how to detach, etc.

How to Help an Alcoholic

Originally Posted by missb89 View Post
Well he has been of help as far as he bought all her diapers, bottles, toys, anything she needed he did take care of. He built her room all by himself, he was there when she was born and stayed in the hospital with me the whole time. This is why I feel cruel if I don't let him see her. He was also clean for 6 weeks and that was up through the end of my pregancy, but a week after she was born he wanted to have a beer to "celebrate" which I enabled by drinking a glass of champagne wiht him, and from that point on he would drink on the weekends, and then he wanted to have a few drinks during the week to "relax." The day that we broke up he just asked for a few beers and I blew up and told him to get out. He keeps saying that everyone thinks it's ridiculous that I broke up with him over only wanting a few beers, and that I could've just told him no and that would've been the end of it.
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Old 07-11-2010, 02:41 PM
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He is not the child's biological father. He has nothing to offer that would enrich her life.

I hope you look into the possibility of getting a place of your own. It concerns me that you have a father who's an active alcoholic.

That baby needs a safe and nurturing environment.
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