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Old 07-03-2010, 09:06 PM
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Unhappy Why?

I haven't heard from my AH since 0300 on july 1st. I am so worried. I feel so sad for his kids. His ex has been texting me off and on to see if I have heard. We are all sad, worried. But, everyone is trying to do the right thing, not make contact not answer calls. We all told him not to call or contact until he is sober. So, I guess that is what he is doing. But, how can someone drink non stop for a whole week? How is that physicaly possible? I am not stupid, I am a Registered Nurse. But, I don't see how you can pass out from time to time, wake up and say, "WTF did I do? OMG my kids, when did I talk to them last?" Does he know how many days it's been? Where is he getting money to keep drinking? I closed out our joint account and transferred all the money to my account. His son took the 700.00 cash he had at home. I know you all say, 'take care of yourself, go to Alanon, don't worry about him, you can't hellp him." I get all that. But, I care about people. I love this guy. I will never be with him again. I saved myself a lot of misery. But, I don't want him dead. I don't want him hurt. I don't want his kids to live withouth their father. I am a RN. By nature, I am a co-dependant. All nurses are. It serves us and our patients well. But, when we have this in our own lives, it is so, hard, to understand. ugh. I have hardly eaten in a week. When he did call, or text I did not answer. But, it doesn't mean that I am OK. I am very far from OK. Ugh..
Thanks for listening.
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Old 07-03-2010, 09:15 PM
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Welcome to Sober Recovery. I hope you can find some solace in these pages.

Why? I think they enter this vicious cycle. Drink and neglect really important things in their life. Like people. Then the guilt and shame is relentless, so how to deal with that? Turn to what they have found comfort and/or escape in. It only ends when they say "gotta do something different" and they not only mean it, but stick with it til they are on the other side, the beautiful side, the side where you hold yourself accountable, and you deal with the transgressions in the only way that there is: directly.

I hope you can find peace soon.
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Old 07-03-2010, 09:38 PM
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BTW, someone tell me what this sign means to my situation. I was at 7-11 at 0615 this morning getting coffee. I was on my way to work. I go in there almost everyday, and its always morning people buying their coffee, snacks whatever. Today, this young guy, well not super young probably my age, mid 40's, came in exactly when I did. He was dirty from head to toe. He went to the fridge, and got out a big can of beer. He came up to the dest to pay. I was right next to him. He was digging out change to pay. The worker there told him, no. He said, "I will not sell you that beer." The guy looked like he was going to cry. I was going to cry!! I couldn't help but think of my AH. Mine is out there somewhere, God knows where. When did he shower last, or eat a meal. I watched this guy walk out the door, calmly, but disappointed. =( I walked out wanting to say something, but nothing came out of my mouth. But, all I know, is there was a reason God wanted me to see that. Not sure what it is though. So, so sad. I bet he has a family, somewhere that he has worried, wondering, sad. ...
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Old 07-03-2010, 11:26 PM
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Maybe God wanted you to hear someone say no. Maybe God wanted you to experience being powerless in a non-personal situation. Maybe God wanted you to see that it's not you and you'll survive.
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Old 07-04-2010, 08:12 PM
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Thanks. It was without a doubt a message. It makes sense what you are saying. The timing was too perfect for it to not have been a message to me. Still haven't heard from my AH. He still hasn't noticed the money is gone. He still hasn't called his kids. I still don't get it. But, I am doing A LOT better. I am realizing that I will never be able to tolerate this in my life. The longer he waits to call and pull at my heartstrings the better. I do feel stronger each day. So, obviously God understands that if I would have heard from him earlier, I might be too weak to say, "No". I think I am getting better each day. Thanking God that he didn't move here before this happend. Glad we live 2600 miles away right now. I know if he was on my doorstep, it would be so much harder for me, to shut the door on him. Happy fourth of July everyone!
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Old 07-04-2010, 08:38 PM
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Shame Kat, I understand how you feel, it just breaks ones heart when someone you loved so deeeply just goes off the deep end... Being a daughter of an AF who rarely contacted me only by letters from rehab, they somehow just manage to find a way to survive, unfortunately for me, my family and his family (excl. me) wrote him off, so each time he came out of rehab, he got a job and had some cash but then straight back to the bottle! it was really heartbreaking, no matter how hard people tried they just couldnt help him he died age 45, too drunk, got knocked over by a car, i was 15. So I pray for you and your family and esp. for him that GOD will help him see the light, Even now my own AH is going through this, it is just such a bad, sad, disease, I found (of course a few months worth), he cleaned up his empties, about 40 - 750ml bottles of brandy and 30 small bottles beer, and he still refuses to face facts, how can one see all that and not blink an eye, he was drunk/mellow again last night. I am trying hard to be neutral. I'll pray for us Kat, GOD can do the impossible, just have faith!
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Old 07-04-2010, 09:10 PM
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One of my AH's best friends, that I have never met, sent me this reply.
I had contacted him.. I know that my AH really considers this friend his closest friend though sobriety. I think what he said made my mind so much more clear...



Kat, the longest xxx was sober was the time we got to be real good friends. We both had the same amount of clean time before he relapsed again - three years. Since then, he managed to put a year together once, right before he moved to SC (I took the ride with him and his son to find his place to live).

What I am going to say you will not like, but it is the ONLY thing you can do for HIM and for YOU!!! You must let him go completely. It is a three step process that won't happen overnight.

1. You are powerless over xxx and what he decides to do. There is NOTHING, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING you can do that will make xxx do what YOU want him to do. PERIOD!

2. You must remember that he believes in a Higher Power and so must you. You must learn that the ONLY thing that can intervene is a higher power now. There are no exceptions to this rule. A higher power may use a person to help him, but you cannot ask that it be YOU. Only the higher power can choose.

However, also part of step 2 is that once you realize that there is a higher power at work here, you will start to trust that higher power's will. There is no changing a higher power's will. It can be delayed due to our own will, but it will always be what the higher power wants. Once you know like I know, you will NEVER worry about xxx again. Believe that I KNOW FOR SURE, xxx will be fine. He should have been dead ten times already and for some reason, his higher power needs him for something.

3. Once you can accept #1 and #2, only then, will you be able to COMPLETELY let go. You must make this decision in your head as well as your heart and soul. It must come from deep within. You will know you have completed this once you no longer worry about what happens between you and xxx. This is a hard pill to swallow and people who say "Just let him go" never know just how hard that is. It's hard because nobody ever goes through the first two steps. If you can fully accept #1 and #2, you will be amazed how easily it will be to let go. Letting go = turning YOUR WILL (what you want) over to the CARE of a power greater than yourself knowing that he is in much better care than what WE think is best for xxx.

xxx needs to learn more lessons still. His pride and ego are strong and need to be taken down a few notches and maybe this is his process.

I don't just talk out my ass Kat, I have a step-daughter who I raised from a little girl become a heroin addict and watched her destroy herself living on the streets. The process was the same, but the miracles were amazing.

As you see the miracles and coincidences happening in YOUR process, acceptance will become trust. Acceptance is your first step.

If you need to vent, feel free. If you can go to Alanon, that is the best. Either way, the lessons I learned that I just shared with you are probably the best life skills I ever learned. They can be applied to almost ANYTHING in your life that has you upset.

Lots of blessings and prayers for YOU.
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Old 07-04-2010, 09:27 PM
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He is very right! He gave you a lot of good advice ((((hugs))))
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Old 07-04-2010, 10:13 PM
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Kat, thank you for sharing that response. I hope it brought you some peace and will help you on your path. I can tell you that it helped ME tonight, and I am thankful to God, my HP, for allowing that message to be shared! Powerful stuff.
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Old 07-04-2010, 11:18 PM
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1. You are powerless over xxx and what he decides to do. There is NOTHING, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING you can do that will make xxx do what YOU want him to do. PERIOD!

2. You must remember that he believes in a Higher Power and so must you. You must learn that the ONLY thing that can intervene is a higher power now. There are no exceptions to this rule. A higher power may use a person to help him, but you cannot ask that it be YOU. Only the higher power can choose.

However, also part of step 2 is that once you realize that there is a higher power at work here, you will start to trust that higher power's will. There is no changing a higher power's will. It can be delayed due to our own will, but it will always be what the higher power wants. Once you know like I know, you will NEVER worry about xxx again. Believe that I KNOW FOR SURE, xxx will be fine. He should have been dead ten times already and for some reason, his higher power needs him for something.

3. Once you can accept #1 and #2, only then, will you be able to COMPLETELY let go. You must make this decision in your head as well as your heart and soul. It must come from deep within. You will know you have completed this once you no longer worry about what happens between you and xxx. This is a hard pill to swallow and people who say "Just let him go" never know just how hard that is. It's hard because nobody ever goes through the first two steps. If you can fully accept #1 and #2, you will be amazed how easily it will be to let go. Letting go = turning YOUR WILL (what you want) over to the CARE of a power greater than yourself knowing that he is in much better care than what WE think is best for xxx.


Wow. this is awesome stuff, but true, very hard to do, but i try everyday. thanks for sharing this.
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Old 07-06-2010, 09:20 AM
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I am so glad that the post I put up helped others. Wow! I am sure that was a gift to you as well as me. I still haven't heard a word from my AH. Someone called me from his cell phone late last nigh. They found it outside of a bar. They were trying to figure out how to get it back to whomever owned it. I described my AH to the guy, but he didn't know who he was. I told him to just hang on to the phone for now. I'm hoping this means that my AH is alive, or somewhat OK. How long could that phone have been there? I imagine not more than a few hours. Anyway, just praying he figures out that he needs to get sober. He has done it so many times before. Although, he and I can never live the life we planned. I have too much fear, and hurt in my heart for it to ever happen. The sad part is, we were so in love. We found each other after 27 years. He has always regretted losing me from the time we broke up. We both have been through so much, and found each other, while he was sober, and divorced for 7 years. And I have been divorced for 6. I can't even explain how disappointed I am. =(
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Old 07-06-2010, 09:28 AM
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It's okay to be disappointed. It's okay to feel hurt. It's okay to grieve. Those emotions are all part of the process. Hang in there, Kat. You're going to be okay.
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Old 07-06-2010, 09:33 AM
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Yes, it's normal to mourn the dream...let yourself experience this. As sucky as it is, discomfort never killed anyone. You just need to move through it...journal, write on SR, talk with friends/family. You WILL be ok.
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Old 07-06-2010, 09:39 AM
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I'm confused. I thought you were engaged to this guy, not married.
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Old 07-06-2010, 09:55 AM
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OMG that is SO amazing that the clerk said no. I wish more bartenders, store clerks, liquor store workers, would say no. I wish society would say no.

Sorry, that is off-topic.

In response to your plight, I find that the less I think about my exabf and the more I do things for myself, the better I feel. I know you're a nurse and all that, but it's so important to let go.

I had to break up with my x because his drinking threatened my safety and physical security-that doesn't matter, he won't stop. So, this was his choice. When we broke up, I made it clear: THIS IS YOUR CHOICE.

Therefore, I had to wash my hands of him.

I know it's hard. I know it's painful. You are gonna drive yourself crazy tho, and in the meantime, you have your own hurt and pain to deal with. I'm choosing to focus on me. After all, that's what my xabf did, isn't it?

Originally Posted by Katfshh View Post
BTW, someone tell me what this sign means to my situation. I was at 7-11 at 0615 this morning getting coffee. I was on my way to work. I go in there almost everyday, and its always morning people buying their coffee, snacks whatever. Today, this young guy, well not super young probably my age, mid 40's, came in exactly when I did. He was dirty from head to toe. He went to the fridge, and got out a big can of beer. He came up to the dest to pay. I was right next to him. He was digging out change to pay. The worker there told him, no. He said, "I will not sell you that beer." The guy looked like he was going to cry. I was going to cry!! I couldn't help but think of my AH. Mine is out there somewhere, God knows where. When did he shower last, or eat a meal. I watched this guy walk out the door, calmly, but disappointed. =( I walked out wanting to say something, but nothing came out of my mouth. But, all I know, is there was a reason God wanted me to see that. Not sure what it is though. So, so sad. I bet he has a family, somewhere that he has worried, wondering, sad. ...
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Old 07-06-2010, 10:25 AM
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OOPPPS, not married. I thought AH meant "Alcoholic" LOL, not Alcoholic husband. I guess he is my AF?????
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Old 07-06-2010, 10:54 AM
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Originally Posted by Katfshh View Post
OOPPPS, not married. I thought AH meant "Alcoholic" LOL, not Alcoholic husband. I guess he is my AF?????
Phew! I thought I was losing my mind!

Yes, he would be your AF.
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Old 07-06-2010, 11:33 AM
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Or, if he is your boyfriend, he would be called your ABF.
If he is your ex-boyfriend, he would be called your XABF.
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Old 07-06-2010, 01:50 PM
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Got it!! Thanks.
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