froglegs

So,

I am about 2 1/2 months into my divorce. AH is still living with me. Things are pretty much going back to "the usual". I have given him a move out date of July 1st. Which I thought was acceptable. 3 months to come up with a place to live (which I think he will wind up at his moms)
Anyway, he is now giving me money for his truck payment, his part of the insurance and an occasional 20.00 for groceries. I in turn am still footing the bill for the mortgage, utilities, daycare, food, living expenses, etc. He is working. I believe he has money to help me out, but it goes into his business and "other" things.
he is trying to convince me not to go through the Friend of the Court...He has not filed his taxes in 4 years (I always file seperate) he is worried and he wants to work out an agreement on the side with me, so that "in the event he has a slow season or when he loses his unemployment" he won't go to jail.
I actually considered this, because I didn't want him to get in trouble. Huh???

Then today he calls and is complaining his car is running on fumes, and he is screwed because he has many more lawns to cut and has no idea how to do it. Clearly, he knew I got paid today, so I know where this was going. I ALMOST told him that I could give him 100.00 on loan if he needed it, until he could pay me back...then it occured to me that tomorrow he is going to the casino with his "friend" who is supposedly going to foot the bill (yea, whatever) so I kept my mouth shut about the loan...but when I hung up the phone I felt terrible, like I should help him.

I am not sure why I have a problem standing up for myself, putting my foot down and saying no. There are so many things that happen in my house (him going on dates, drinking, etc.) that I just bite my tounge about, because I don't want to rock the boat, and just want to get through this with the least amount of drama...but at what expense to my dignity?

He is so good at manipulaing me..before I even know what happened, I am doing things I don't want to do...It makes me feel like crap, like I am being used. I thought this is why I got divorced.

Do you think this will change any when/if he moves out? I know I need to make better decesions and look out for my kids and I, not him.

nodaybut2day

I remember how it feels to just enable by default. It becomes an ingrained habit.

I think that once you put some distance between the two of you, you'll start to see his attempts at using and manipulating you more clearly, and then you can practice side stepping them. Eventually, you'll just get indignant that he'd even dare ask you for money.

I sincerely hope you have a plan for when July 1st comes and he doesn't move out (not that I'm wishing that on you!)

Duped

You aren't, however they are highly predictable.

froglegs

If he doesn't move out in July, what are my options? The divorce will not be final until Sept.
I just need some space, I don't "feel" like I am getting divorced, and the feelings of wanting to look at his phone to see who he has been texting, and asking where he was so late, and asking if he has been drinking, and is he dating etc. are all coming back.
The "codie" feelings were gone for awhile, but they are slowly creeping back. I didn't think I cared, I definately want to be divorced, but I don't want to be taken for a ride...but is it even a ride and is it even my business what he's doing? I say yes it is, if he is living in "my" house...but is it "my" house yet?

Oh, I am so confused.

nodaybut2day

What does your lawyer say regarding ownership of your house? Is your name on the deed or the mortgage? What did you and your STBX initially decide regarding this?

I know a few SR members who've had to have their A evicted since they wouldn't leave willingly. Perhaps you can sollicit their advice in by posting another thread.

Also, (and I know this sounds callous considering the fact that I don't own a house yet), it is *just a house* and if certain things come to pass and you're forced to leave it for the sake of your sanity and well-being, then so be it. You can start building a home for yourself someplace else.

Anvil is right...the fact that he hasn't paid his taxes in 4 years is not your problem and should there be repercussions, negative or otherwise, due to his poor decision, then it is also not your problem. Yes it would totally SUCK if he ended up in jail because of what he did, but are you really going to try to save him from his choices again? Haven't you had enough of that already?

Freedom1990

I couldn't agree more. I'm not living in that household, so it's easy for me to be appalled at how he's using you.

You however are in the midst of it.

I was always afraid to get angry.

When I finally allowed myself to get angry, that was a powerful motivator for me to do what was right for me.

I hope you get to that point where you feel some anger. You've got it, but it's buried deep right now.

:ghug3

froglegs

Thanks for the input everyone....

Well, the mortgage and the deed are in my name only. Leaving the house is not an option...I have 2 kids, 1 is in school, noone I know lives in my district...frankly, I have busted my butt to pay off my debts and improve my credit score over the years to buy a home, a feat I accomplished in December, I put down the down payment, paid every payment, insurance etc...not a DIME from AH so I am not willing to walk away from it and let AH stay there, no way! (not trying to be rude at all..I am very passionate about my home)

AH and I decided I would have the house because 1. he said he doesn't want it 2. he can't afford it 3. He wants to live closer to the water (I live right across the street, not sure how much closer you can get)

I do not have a lawyer, I filed on my own, not sure if I can just call a lawyer and ask them that question about eviction without paying 200.00?

I guess I will just pray he follows through on his promise!

froglegs

It seems like the only time I can get "really angry" and stand up for myself and my needs is when I "discover" he is doing something bad...Maybe that is why I want to look at his phone etc...I am hoping to find some sort of evidence of wrong doing, to light a fire under me, get mad, stand my ground for a week or so...then repeat the pattern.

My anger IS buried down deep inside...you are totally right! Sometimes for me it is easier to just accept it than to get angry....dont know why. Maybe after 11 years I am just tired of being angry?

Trying2BeMe

He is still hanging onto how he can take atvantage of you and pull on your heart strings cause he knows how to manipulate you. Do not borrow anymore money to him he will never pay it back, he is using you. He has not 1) thinking of you when he brings a woman over 2)nor does he feel the urgency to leave since he seems to having a cushion life adn knows he can just milk of you 3) He has not done his taxes is no longer your issue, you filed yours and now are divorcing. You should talk to your lawyer about that as well so you are not responsible for that. 5) You need to look out for you and the kid(s) 6) Don;t accept his calls or woahs can he is certainly not thinking of yours with all the house payments, bills and such. He will be up for a rude awakening when he is court ordered to pay and will find out it is much more htan the trickl of change he sends your way. I know how htis feels and understand me I have been there. My stbx is living in his own apartment and paying his own bills on $962.00 month, if he can do so can your stbx. Quit listening to his tricks and start living your life. You are not his mother or friend. Love yourself and start your life because YOU deserve it!!!:ghug3

naive

so, he calls you on the day you gets paid, complaining his car is running on fumes and he has no money to work cutting lawns?

oh, how very familiar.

let's see. cut one lawn, get the $20. put gas in the car. go cut the next lawn.

he's playing you. it's amazing to me that they can't remember things like their child visitation dates but the date that you get your money is INGRAINED IN THEIR MIND.

so, he's not contributing to the mortgate nor the utilities? a free ride then.

can you move up that move out date?

naive

Learn2Live

As long as you continue to take care of him, he will likely continue to allow you to do so. Sooner or later, you learn how to emotionally detach, the pain begins to subside, you begin to see the truth, and you make up your mind to stop enabling. I think it would be good if you now take that $100 that you WERE going to loan to him and spend it on something special for YOU THIS weekend. How about a manicure and pedicure? Or new hair style? Or a new dress or outfit? Or dinner out with a friend? Teach yourself to treat yourself just as good as you've been treating HIM

isurvived

Sounds to me like you are getting a "paper divorce" - nothing more. Why don't you have an attorney? Why is he still living there if you've filed papers on him?

I don't get it.

The biggest question is: why are you allowing this person to use you?

Sorry to be blunt, but it seems to me that you are having issues with the finality of it all. Maybe time to sit down and ask yourself what you really want. Also, have you considered that you are sending him mixed signals?

I believe you need a strong dose of self-esteem, so you can cut yourself free of this leach.

dollydo

It would appear that you are not emotionally ready to divorce him. A divorce is a business agreement signed to split up the assets, living space and outlines child custody issues, it is nothing more.

The emotional end of it is up to you.

There is no reason for him to be there. An attorney would help, a non-emotional third party.

I agree with survived: I don't get it.

Jadmack25

Good grief, you paid every penny for this house and mr want-it-all has contributed zilch.......it is YOUR HOME, so now tell this creep that he is out of it within 24 hours. He can bludge off some of his bar friends or whoever, but he isn't suckering you into giving any more.

Someone needs to explain to him, that DIVORCE means marriage is over, done with, kaput, and it is time to move on.

Please stop being "kind" to him, for what? If he was a nice guy you wouldn't be divorcing him, right?

OK he has no interest in doing anything, as he figures you don't really mean business about him moving, or getting divorced and you letting him stay and live like a king is proof of this to him.

Get a lawyer, if only to send a letter to evict him, or spell out legally in big letters, YOU ARE BEING DIVORCED.

Now is the time for you to stop being wishy washy, and put it on the line.

God bless

isurvived

Froglegs - you've got yourself in a pickle.

Like the majority of us here, you've "threatened him with action" but there is no bite to your threats. It's only words. We've all done it... threatened to leave, threatened to divorce them, threatened to call the police when we know they've been drinking and driving, threatened to call their employers, tell their family members, friends. We've threatened to withhold sex, understanding, food, clothing, our share of the income, and on and on. All to try to wake them up and "show them". All desperate attempts to make them stop.

It all falls on deaf ears if we don't follow through. I can't count on my two hands how many times I threatened to leave my AH. (now my XAH) It took me 27 years of threatening to realize nothing I could do would make a difference in whether he drank or not. Nothing. That's HALF a lifetime for cripes sakes! Wasted time. Sometimes, I think back on it and I want to kick myself around the block! But, I did finally realize the ship was sinking, and if I wanted to survive, I'd better jump or go down with him.

My sister once likened me to a horse that was running back into a burning barn. (that's what they do if given the chance). It was crazy! My self-esteem had been damaged, I didn't like being in a failing marriage, and having a partner with such a problem. I spent half a lifetime trying to fix it. It wasn't fixable! NOTHING I could do with all my determination helped him. Nothing! It was an awakening for me too, when I finally admitted I was powerless over this disease. And, another sad effect was I had become sick from trying.... enabling. It can become a character defect - and we don't realize it until we're quite sick ourselves. It takes stepping back away from the crazy-making - really separating yourself totally for a period of time - at least a year... until you are healthy enough to start making better choices, and see things for what they really are.

What will help you is that time, once you really can break free. Make a plan, take baby steps until you feel more confident.

I can tell you life is wonderful on the other side!

froglegs

Well,

Thank you everyone for your replies. I tried to remember some of the questions that I was being asked. Why don't I have a lawyer..I don't have one because I couldn't afford the 5,000 retainer, and we seemed to be on the same page about everything. I am at the point of the default now...this means my AH failed to answer my complaint, so now I have to put in a default, which removes him from the divorce and whatever was written on the original summons and complaint is awarded to me (child support, sole custody) etc. At this point I am just waiting until we see Friend of the Court so I can do that. In my state you can't file a default until you have met with Friend of The Court.

I did have quite a concersation with him last night after a crazy weekend. I did ask him to move out, and he said that he was leaving tonight to go to his moms house. I did mention the fact that he is getting to lax about this divorce, and it doesn't feel right to have him living there anymore. I did previously give him a July 1st deadline to move out because I thought he was actively looking for "his own" place to live...turns out his plan all along was to go to his moms house. So, I said if that is your plan, then go now. He managed to manipulate me so bad that at the end I was feeling bad. All the more reason he needs to leave...Then today he called and said he was gonna start moving some stuff "since I really wanted him to go"...he's so good that I almost said, well if you want to stay 1 more week...but I didn't.

I was supposed to be going out of town with friends this weekend, and now I am feeling so bad I am thinking about cancelling it.

I am very ready for divorce, I am not afraid to stand on my own 2 feet...I just need to start caring more about myself and my kids, and realize where we are in this...I don't have to give any explaniations or try to cushion his fall..we are done..finished..adios..but for some reason I still feel bad for him....I feel bad for a man who has abused alcohol, been unfaithful over and over and is contributing nothing to my household...how insane is that?

I am so done with it, but I am afraid to be done with it....makes no sense.
What's going on?????

nodaybut2day

hi froglegs...seems like your old habits are conflicting with the new habits you're struggling to develop. It's totally normal and will take some time to resolve itself. Eventually though, I think your need to protect yourself and your children will override your feelings of remorse for inconveniencing your STBX.

I too struggled with irrational feelings of guilt and remorse, especially when AH called me to beg me to give us another chance...I only managed to squeak out a "no" and "I'm just done". It wasn't some big, bold and brave shout of liberation, that's for sure; more like a tiny peep of half-assed independence. It was enough though. AH's pride was adequately wounded and he slithered away. I only received one more volley of drunken texts one night asking me to give us yet another chance, and then a remorseful hung over text the morning after, telling me to forget what he had previously asked.

So, just try to go and remember to focus on yourself! Don't force yourself to go out of town if you'd feel better just staying in town and getting a manicure or something. But do something nice for yourself at the very least.