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Old 12-20-2009, 09:34 PM   #1 (permalink)
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possible goodbye letter...

Hi all,

it's been a very challenging month and I am getting closer and closer to wanting to leave AH. I decided to write a goodbye letter to AH today to process my feelings a bit... I am not even sure yet if I will actually get it all together to be able to "jump off the ship" with some of you, but this is what I would want AH to know if I did:

Let me start off by saying that I love you and that I wish things were different! I had a great time going to dinner with you the other night… it was nice to flee reality for a moment and see us as the happy couple, I always dreamt of, having dinner with friends. Unfortunately it was nothing more than a fantasy – in reality we are not a happy couple - our marriage is damaged and we are both miserable!

I have given everything I had to give to fight your battle against alcoholism and to keep this marriage going. I have finally come to realize that all this time I was fighting a battle I was bound to lose. All this time I was fighting for you, while you were fighting against me. It was a battle I was bound to lose, because no one but you will ever be able to win this battle! Now I am standing here, hurt, angry, resentful, frustrated, and depressed and I realize that I need to fight my own battle – I need to fight to survive!

I feel as if I’m on a sinking ship and if I stay on board, I will drown – drown in all the tears I cry, drown in my own bitterness and anger, drown in depression – so I need to jump off the ship and swim to safety, to serenity, to happiness!

You have made your choice – you decided that alcohol is the most important part of your life – you have chosen alcohol over your marriage, over your family, over your health, over your life! While I am upset and hurt that you made this choice, I realize that I need to leave the decision of how YOU want to live YOUR life up to you! As for me, I know I need to make the choice to leave, as I can no longer watch you drink yourself to death, as I can no longer bear to live a miserable life full of abusive/ destructive behaviors. I need to leave you in order to be fine. I hope that one day you will realize how much alcohol has taken from you, I hope one day you will realize how much hurt and pain alcohol has caused you and others in your life, I hope one day you will finally want sobriety more than anything else in your life, and I hope the realization comes before alcohol takes your life!

Thanks for letting me post this. Any feedback on what you notice (i.e. codie behavior, blaming, etc.) in this letter would be appreciated!!!
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Old 12-20-2009, 09:46 PM   #2 (permalink)
same planet...different world
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now take a breath ... and sleep in it.

The thinking and opening of your mind you've been working on, is still building a very real bridge for you. It's always beautiful to see that happening, and thank you for letting me watch!
There's no telling how many people reading your posts have been helped. To me, that's the most powerful aspect of SR.

I can't and won't tell you what or ow to express yourself, but I *do* know from experience, that were *I* to send a letter like this - I'd want several days(and more importrant nights) to pass before I choose an action.

I'd want to be balanced and firm in my new standing place.

How's the plan coming?

Don't tell me what it is - none of my beeswax.
Just =- are you working on a plan?
Knowledge is knowing that tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in fruit salad.
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Old 12-21-2009, 07:55 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Lotus2009...this could have been written by me. It made me cry reading it...it went right to my soul. Good for you for putting it all down. I agree with Barb though. Think before you give it to him. Once out there you can't take it back.

I do ask one thing though...what do you hope to accomplish by giving him this? Do you want to firmly state your intentions? Haven't you done this already...year after year? Do you hope to snap him into action and that he will be ready to go seek help? I'm sure ANYTHING you possibly could have done to wake him has already been done. It's on him.

Before you jump into the water with us...make sure you have a solid plan in place. Think it all the way though front to back and then do it again. You will need the strength of a solid plan to help you stick to it. If you feel the least bit wishy washy about your plan...I promise you...you will never stick to it. I speak from experience. I had been trying to leave my husband for years. After he broke the door down and pushed me around I thought I had my plan. I saw a lawyer and filed for divorce...but I didn't make it. My plan wasn't well thought out and I backed down. He walked all over me for years after that and threw it up in my face over and over again.

This time I was ready and had a very good plan in place. When the words came out of my mouth...I didn't look back. I'm separated almost 3 months. I have a legal separation in place and we have to wait one year before we can file for divorce. I live in a very stupid state...

Good luck and keep us posted on how your doing!
~The human spirit is stronger than anything that can happen to it~
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Old 12-21-2009, 11:45 AM   #4 (permalink)

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Lotus! What a beautiful letter! I feel I've written two similar letters in my life... one I read to my ex-husband while he was in rehab and he other one I wrote to my current boyfriend and which I didn't send because I knew I wasn't ready to end the relationship.

Your letter is more beautiful than both of mine. I agree with the others. You need to be sure about your plan before you send it.

Hugs! I can feel your sadness.
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. -Albert Einstein
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Old 12-21-2009, 03:13 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Thank you all so much for your kind responses

I have been contemplating moving out for the past 3 or 4 months. I got to a point, I think in September, where I had enough and left for a week. I told him I would only come back if he was willing to start treatment. He did start a once per week group therapy and went to one AA meeting. He didn't make it without a drink for longer than 10 days... the next couple of months were off and on the wagon ("sober" never longer than 13 days). I had told myself when I got back that I would hang in there until January to figure out whether I should stay or leave. The past month has been worse than ever - I have been enforcing my boundaries - and as a result he is now being charged with domestic violence - he still keeps drinking - and for the past couple of weeks everything inside of me screams to RUN (but then there is this tiny part in me that is still holding on). I have a huge abandonment issue (I stayed with my last exbf for another 1 1/2 !!! after I knew our relationship was over - this wasn't an abusive relationship though). I'm at the point where I know I need to, and I want to move out, but I still don't want to lose him. I was thinking about temporarily (1 -2 months) moving out - to give me some time to work on myself and see if he wants to work on himself. Then I/ we can reevaluate the situation (if he is seeking treatment then we could start working on our marriage, if not I would need to move on). Do you think that is a realistic plan or does this usually not work? It is just so damn hard to do that right now with all the holidays (and birthday and anniversary at the end of the month)... on the other side I feel if I don't do it now my anger might subside and I might get drawn back into fantasy world. I guess I need to sleep on it some more.

I wasn't planning on giving AH today... I mainly wrote it for myself, because I was really sad last night! I do think that I would give him the letter if I decide to move out though... I am not trying to accomplish anything with it... As I said, I have come to realize and accept that nothing I do will get and keep him sober (looking back now, I had left the first time to manipulate him into seeking treatment, all the other notes I wrote him were to get him to realize that he needs to get sober.... not this time... I am doing this for me ... maybe to be able to forgive him and myself for what has happened between us). I think I just want to express how I feel... whether he will understand or not doesn't matter!
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Old 12-21-2009, 11:19 PM   #6 (permalink)

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"I was thinking about temporarily (1 -2 months) moving out - to give me some time to work on myself and see if he wants to work on himself. Then I/ we can reevaluate the situation (if he is seeking treatment then we could start working on our marriage, if not I would need to move on). Do you think that is a realistic plan or does this usually not work?"

I think the 1-2 month separation is a good idea. It would give you the time you need to reevaluate, to live without the drama, to channel your energy into yourself and your own projects. You would have to be strong to focus on yourself during this time. You would have to make it clear to him that you are doing this for you--and not because you are trying to get him to change.

Does it usually not work? That depends what you are asking. If you are asking whether or not you will find peace and happiness within yourself? I would wager that you will feel a lot better not living with him. If you are asking whether or not he will he start seeking treatment? Maybe... maybe not. All addicts are different and have different bottoms. Whatever decision you make, you need to do it regardless of the outcome. Would you move out for 1-2 months knowing he will not change, but you would?
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. -Albert Einstein
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Old 12-22-2009, 01:06 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Lotus, first of all, big huge hug for you.

I never feel like I have any real advice to give. The wise people in this forum are keeping me afloat. I'm a ship jumper. Tomorrow will be my first week of no contact.

I think a few months off is a good idea. It's so much less pressure to make it temporary instead of a "forever" thing. You'll know after a few months apart whether or not you'll want to go back. You'll just really have to stick to your guns and stay away for awhile.

I have to say, that although it's been very hard, I do feel so much better after only a week. I miss him horribly, but the peace and calm that has returned to my life is something I missed even more when it was gone. I just feel healthier.

I hope you'll be able to come up with the decision that is best for you soon.

Hugs (again).
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Old 12-22-2009, 02:08 AM   #8 (permalink)

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hi lotus-

i think a break for a month or two would be helpful IF AND ONLY IF you go no contact during that period of time.

if you leave and continue to engage with him, then you will have more drama on your hands due to the passion of separation.

i left and went to my mother's for a month. but i kept taking his phone calls, which was a big mistake. it kept me hooked, you see. he said he had stopped drinking, got the car on the road, was going to visit his children, etc. etc.

if you take the time out, i would highly recommend a complete break so that you can think clearly and put together a plan as to how to separate. and let him get on with his plans, whatever they may be.

in light of this, if it is possible, don't give him your new contact information, change your cell phone number, and spam him on your email.

what i experienced as i separated for that month, was that i had time to let all my bottled up emotions come to the surface to be dealt with. my emotions went all over the radar, once i had a peaceful environment to begin to sort out the chaos. i attended alanon as much as i could and did a lot of journaling and reading.

i re-discovered the life that normal people live. i remember going out to dinner with my mom, brother and his wife AND NO ONE DRANK. i had forgotten simple things, like eating meals at normal hours. i slept a lot.

after a week or two, i could feel my energy returning. not having to worry about the threat of my alcoholic, i could enjoy my mother and her friends, or play with the grandchildren. me and my mom made up projects around the house she wanted help with....to clean out closets and have a big yard sale. all these things reminded me of normal life with sober people, doing projects and making meals.

if you do go, you might want to safeguard your important documents off-site somewhere. things like passports, birth certificates that are a hassle to replace.

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Old 12-22-2009, 05:45 AM   #9 (permalink)
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I loved your letter. I thought it was excellent, to the point and there was no blaming or shaming... just concern.

Do you have a women's center in your area? Counseling services are available free of charge in most cases. If nothing else, it adds a great deal of support.

If not, remember that you can call any domestic abuse hotline 24/7 to talk to a counselor. Here is a helpful link: Domestic Violence - State Hotlines
Everything will be OK in the end. If it's not OK, then it's not the end.
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Old 12-22-2009, 07:10 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Thank you all sooo very much for your replies - I have lots to think about now

I know if I do leave, I would leave for me - I would do it regardless of the outcome (whether he will get sober or not). I don't know if I could go absolutely no contact (but I would definetely set up good boundaries about the amount and type of contact I would allow). Hmm... I will wait till after christmas to make a definete decision!! Again, thank you soo much for your suggestions, stories, questions, and overall support - you are great!!! I'm sure I'll be back soon... with more vents and questions
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Old 06-22-2018, 03:05 PM   #11 (permalink)

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Goodbye letter to my AW

This is something I thought I would never be doing in my life with someone. I felt a need to release the hurt and pain my AW has caused me in my life. I never thought I could feel pain like this. I know I will never sent this letter but rather wanted to vent instead. I completely have empathy for all of you who have suffered through an experience like this. Please feel free to comment if you like.

To my wife,
I was hoping this day would have never came for us. I was truly hoping we could have spent the rest of our life together growing old watching the sunset by the water in warmer weather somewhere we finally called home.

Unfortunately that didn’t work out for us due to this thing called addiction. I can remember when we were first dating and how I couldn’t wait to see you on the weekends after a long work week since we were 2 hours apart from each other. But what a great way to end the week to see this special woman that I fell in love with.

You ask what made me fall in love with you. I fell in love with you for lots of reasons, like how happy you were to see me when you would greet me at the door. The way you paid attention to me like no one else ever did. The way you would cook dinner for me and when I asked if I could help, you would say no sweetie you sit and relax, you had a long week, to the way you always wanted to be close to me and holds hands.

You wanted to know every detail of my life and my dreams. You made me feel like I was the only man in the world and how lucky I was to have you! I can remember telling myself is this woman for real? Then I fell head over heels for you. That’s right….you had me after that.

I remember sleeping in your bed and noticing the big pile of cloths you had in the corner of the floor and your bathroom was a complete mess to where I couldn’t even place a toothbrush down. But I said to myself, that’s ok everyone isn’t perfect, besides this woman is perfect!

At that point I didn’t realize what I was in for down the road. But heck, life was good! I had this amazing perfect woman in my life, everything will be just fine! Little did I know there was a huge storm coming and I was going to be in for a ride of my life!

I remember when my mom was ill and then 3 months later she passed away due to cancer. My life was torn apart with the loss of my mom and I was looking towards you for someone to comfort me and lean on to help me through this terrible loss.

Little did I know when I turned to you…you weren’t there for me. You were fighting your addiction little did I know. You were self-absorbed in your own world and couldn’t have any empathy for someone you said you loved very much. I bushed it off and never brought it up to you. You later said you were sorry for not being there for me. I remember I let it go and forgave you for that action even though I was still hurting inside from the loss of my mother.

We were still dating each other and what I thought we were building a future together because I was so in love with this perfect woman. Then came the time when I was wondering if you might of had a drinking problem, because I would remember talking to you on the phone with noticing you would slur your words as we would talk and at times you wouldn’t make sense what you were saying.

I remember coming down one weekend and while we were sitting down relaxing as I was drinking a beer and you a glass of wine and it appeared you looked a little tipsy, I remember asking if you had a drinking problem and you said no you didn’t and you could stop anytime you wanted to.

I took you at your word and weeks pasted and life wasn’t too bad. Sometimes I would notice the behavior changes in you to where you became moody and sometimes passive aggressive towards me and I would say to myself that’s not right and I even commented to you it seemed like you were a little self-centered. But life went on.

Then the time I came when you invited me down for the weekend and I drove 2 hours to see you and when I walked through the door your son met me at the door and said she’s in the bedroom and hurried out the front door. To my surprise there you were in a full blown bender! Wine bottles everywhere, little hard liquor bottles, your roomed looked like a tornado went through it. Then I saw you with a glass of wine in your hand slurring your words really bad saying I’m so sorry over and over again. I took the wine glass out of your hand and placed it on the table and as I turned around to see where you were you came on the other side and took the glass of wine I just placed down and once again telling me you were so sorry over and over again.

I took the glass of wine out of your hand again and then put you to bed and said I was leaving. Before I left I removed all the alcohol from your apartment and left you a note saying this was very hard for me to see you this way. Give me a call when you sober up so we can talk about this. I left and called your son to take care of you and someone needed to watch you to make sure you were all right.

A few days went by after your week on a bender and you asked if you could come up and see me so we could talk. I said of course we can, because this was the woman that I fell in love with and wanted to help get you sober and healthy. I wanted to do anything to help! We talked and you said…well I guess you know now and that you needed help. I told you I was here for you and I would help you in any way I could after all, you were the love of my life.

You looked into treatment programs, but you said they were to expense. You said you would start going to AA meetings in which you did that only lasted a couple of weeks. (One meeting a week.)

During our conversation when you came up to visit me, we talked about getting married and I thought that was a great idea. What a better way to show you my commitment to you and the love I had for you. I only asked one condition that you would promise to seek treatment. You promised me until the cows came home that you would and that this meant everything to you. So we got married.

You attended a few more meetings then a job offer came up for me in another state and you felt this would be a good opportunity for a fresh start for you as well as us. I agreed and felt it was a good choice for us….. so we moved. Shortly after we moved to our new home, it was only a month or so and you took off on me and went back to where you use to live to go on another week long bender again. It was all because I was asking you to seek treatment and holding you accountable for not doing so.

Remember this storm I was talking about earlier….this was the big storm I didn’t know that was going to consume my life in every way possible as well as test our newly marriage beyond my wildest dreams.

You texted me a picture that night you left, showing me you were in a motel some place before you started your bender and then I didn’t hear from you anymore until a couple days later when I texted to see if you were all right. The texted messages I received from you told me you were well on your way with your bender. I remember I was trying like hell to find out where you were to get you help to make sure you were safe.

I even called your bother who I didn’t know at that time, asking for his help. I couldn’t for the life of me figure out way he didn’t appear worried or concerned. Little did I know he knew you had a past history of this as well as he himself was an alcoholic too, later on that I discovered? I tried to turn to your son for help, but he has seen you go through this many times before and was no stranger to his life style given he was battling his own addiction with drugs due to you.

We texted and even talked on the phone a couple of times and I could tell you were still in your bender. I was begging for you to tell me where you were so I could come and get you. You didn’t have anything to do with that, but just kept repeating yourself that you loved me so much and please come and get you. I told you I would, just tell me where you were at. You never told me where you were and we hung up. I was so worried about you! After a few more days you texted and I can’t remember what you said but I texted you back saying you were no longer welcomed at home. It was a couple more days later and I was working and you texted me saying you were home now. I texted you back and said I was on my way.

When I got home, you begged and pleaded with me to take you back and that you would go through treatment. I did take you back and had faith that you would seek treatment. I was proud of you that you did seek treatment and elected to go through an out-patient treatment program. I was hoping you would have gone through an in-patient program instead as I thought this would be much better for you. But I let you make that decision as I was just happy that you were going to treatment. Little did I know that was a huge mistake on my part? You were manipulating me and I didn’t even know it.

You stuck to the treatment program with attending meetings and groups and your therapist as well as us attending couples therapy. During that first 30 days things were going great and once you completed treatment and continued your groups and meetings I was so proud of you! You were a different person. So different in fact that you were even much more loving, compassionate, self-reflective and working hard on your behavior. Life was great!! I even fell in love with you even more for completing and sticking to your recovery. The first 3 months was wonderful! It was loving, caring and truthful. I thought we finally made to the place we always talked about getting to in our marriage.

How I thought we made it through that storm and life was going to be great from here on in. Little did I know I was only in the eye of the storm? Another month or so pasted by and I started to notice you acting with your bad behaviors like when you were drinking. I tried talking to you about your behaviors and noticed you became verbally and emotionally abusive towards me. I tried to hold you accountable for your behaviors and set heathy boundaries for myself to protect myself. Little did I know you didn’t respect my boundaries and didn’t have any problems crossing them either.

Throughout the months it became this cycle of highs and lows with you. When you were on your high, you were connected to your support groups, meetings and readings. When you were on your lows, it would be verbally and emotionally abusive towards me. You were back to being self-absorbed and not putting our marriage or your sobriety as a priority.

Unfortunately little did I know the wheels were coming of your bus, but I tried hard to support and love you with attempting to hold you accountable for your behaviors. You resisted me every chance you could. This is where our relationship was coming to a head and the eye of the storm pasted over and I was right back in the middle of this terrifying storm and I couldn’t find the life raft to rescue us from this terrible storm that was trying to destroy our lives.

In the end, you left me again because I told you I was tired of you cheating on me, manipulations, lies and dishonesty. I told you the night prior to you leaving me if this was the case you could get your things and get out.

We went to bed… with you in the living room and me sleeping in the other bedroom. I got up the next morning and went to work. I passed you as I was heading out the door but we didn’t exchange words. I didn’t hear from you all day and I never called or texted you hoping you would have reached out to me saying you were sorry and you would get reconnected with your program again.

That never happened and I decided I would deal with this when I came home. It was funny driving home I had this feeling that there might have been a chance you wouldn’t be there. I said to myself…no she wouldn’t do that. We would work this out. I came home only to find the garage door was open, all the doors were unlocked to the house and noticed your car was gone as well as our little dog. There was no note or text message saying where you went to. I noticed you took $1000 out of our checking out.

There was a pit in my stomach, I couldn’t believe you did this again to me. My heart was broken once again. At that point I realized I was the last domino to fall. I was the only person who was standing in your way that has trying to standby and help you. You had to remove that so you could no longer be accountable for your actions or for your addiction.

From the very first time we met you manipulated me, you lied to me, you cheated on me, you were emotionally and verbally abusive to me, you were never honest with me. I ask myself why would someone do this to me? I was told because I was truly a nice person and you discovered that I would be someone you could easily manipulate and control.

In the end I realized I couldn’t control it, cure it or caused it. Lord knows I did my very best to standby you and love and support you. I was fighting harder for your sobriety then you did.

This storm named addiction was bigger than me and it destroyed our marriage and even has taken a piece of my soul with it. I have learned a big lesion out of this to never give myself to someone like this ever again. I can only hope and pray that one day you will realize the pain you have cause me as well as other people in your life with making amends to all you have come in contact with. If not…. and you continue your addiction you will die someday soon before your time and that would be sad…. very sad because you do have a lot of good qualities. That is why I fell in love you and had hope and faith in you.

You’re Husband.
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Old 06-22-2018, 03:21 PM   #12 (permalink)

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(Disclaimer - I am still with AH, and he is not abusive in the sense that you describe)

I like your letter. I'm glad you wrote it for you. If it were me, I would not give it to him and especially considering your second post in which you brought up domestic abuse. He will see blame whether or not you meant it in that way. I guess I just see things a different way (and my situation is not yours). I got tired of discussing the alcohol. And then I stopped. And then I set boundaries and started to detach. When I told him we need to let each other go, I stated that I care about him and am concerned about his health but he's also an adult and should be able to live the life he wants (as long as he isn't drunk driving. Etc and that the kids are ok). I have written letters like that for me.

I think the break would be good for you.
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