Homeless alcoholic friend wants to move in...
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Join Date: Oct 2009
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Homeless alcoholic friend wants to move in...
Hello everyone, I'm new to the forum, and my situation has stressed me to the point where I'm seeking advice from others who have experience with alcoholics.
My husband-to-be and I have an old friend from our college years (we're both 30), and I'll call our friend "John" for privacy's sake. Back in college, John and our friends all partied together, but John took it a step further with drugs and 24/7 drinking habits. Our friends and I have grown out of this, and no longer party like it's 1999 - we have homes, jobs, bills, and some of us will be starting families soon.
John, however, has been spent the last decade swinging from job to job, city to city, frequently being fired for his poor performances on the job, due to his alcoholism. His history is filled with rehab stints, therapy, receiving help from numerous friends and family (all of whom seem to have cut him off) - John has had several "second chances" - which has not seemed to work.
This past week, John has been fired from another job, found himself homeless, and called our circle of friends out of desperation. One of the friends had a knee-jerk reaction and brought John a plane ticket here to Michigan without determining where John was going to stay. John had stated to the friend that he's been sober eight weeks.
The friend is letting John stay at his place for a few days until all of us are able to have a meeting and decide what to do for John. My HTB and I have a small house and very little money, I've been laid-off twice and am currently in school - as you may know, Michigan is not doing well economically, and we're are always only a paycheck away from becoming homeless ourselves. John has made it no secret that he wants to live with us, and my HTB has a hard time saying no when it comes to helping friends, even if it's at our expense. Our friends are in similar situations, no one can really offer accommodations to John.
I visited John yesterday, took him to lunch, and he ordered a beer. It seems he's now falling off the wagon again. I have serious reservations about opening up my home to John, even if it's only once or twice a week - my intuition tells me that he's going to milk us for what we're worth until we have to kick him out; this is how his other friends and family have dealt with him.
If our friends refuse taking John in as well, what are our options? Are we being cold and selfish? No one wants a hand in making John's situation worse, but if we take him in, he'll make our lives worse?
Please please let me know what you might do in my situation, or what options or services are out there that I don't know about. Thank you all in advance!
My husband-to-be and I have an old friend from our college years (we're both 30), and I'll call our friend "John" for privacy's sake. Back in college, John and our friends all partied together, but John took it a step further with drugs and 24/7 drinking habits. Our friends and I have grown out of this, and no longer party like it's 1999 - we have homes, jobs, bills, and some of us will be starting families soon.
John, however, has been spent the last decade swinging from job to job, city to city, frequently being fired for his poor performances on the job, due to his alcoholism. His history is filled with rehab stints, therapy, receiving help from numerous friends and family (all of whom seem to have cut him off) - John has had several "second chances" - which has not seemed to work.
This past week, John has been fired from another job, found himself homeless, and called our circle of friends out of desperation. One of the friends had a knee-jerk reaction and brought John a plane ticket here to Michigan without determining where John was going to stay. John had stated to the friend that he's been sober eight weeks.
The friend is letting John stay at his place for a few days until all of us are able to have a meeting and decide what to do for John. My HTB and I have a small house and very little money, I've been laid-off twice and am currently in school - as you may know, Michigan is not doing well economically, and we're are always only a paycheck away from becoming homeless ourselves. John has made it no secret that he wants to live with us, and my HTB has a hard time saying no when it comes to helping friends, even if it's at our expense. Our friends are in similar situations, no one can really offer accommodations to John.
I visited John yesterday, took him to lunch, and he ordered a beer. It seems he's now falling off the wagon again. I have serious reservations about opening up my home to John, even if it's only once or twice a week - my intuition tells me that he's going to milk us for what we're worth until we have to kick him out; this is how his other friends and family have dealt with him.
If our friends refuse taking John in as well, what are our options? Are we being cold and selfish? No one wants a hand in making John's situation worse, but if we take him in, he'll make our lives worse?
Please please let me know what you might do in my situation, or what options or services are out there that I don't know about. Thank you all in advance!
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Originally Posted by NeedHelpInMI 
I visited John yesterday, took him to lunch, and he ordered a beer. It seems he's now falling off the wagon again.
Please please let me know what you might do in my situation, or what options or services are out there that I don't know about. Thank you all in advance!
Please please let me know what you might do in my situation, or what options or services are out there that I don't know about. Thank you all in advance!
Well, it seems like it's a little more than seems.
There are plenty of public options available, they have Harbor Lights in Monroe, and I'm pretty sure they have another adult rehab facility in Detroit.
The Salvation Army runs adult rehab facilities all across the country.
If your friend truly wants to recover, let him stay there.
Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
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Thank you for this information! (and thanks for welcoming me, lol)
I will definitely check these resources out - it's shocking to me that I'll have to suggest a shelter to John, but I can't help but feel like he put himself in this situation - it's not my fault, but I still feel slimy with guilt
.
I will definitely check these resources out - it's shocking to me that I'll have to suggest a shelter to John, but I can't help but feel like he put himself in this situation - it's not my fault, but I still feel slimy with guilt
.
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,017
Originally Posted by NeedHelpInMI
Thank you for this information! (and thanks for welcoming me, lol)
I will definitely check these resources out - it's shocking to me that I'll have to suggest a shelter to John, but I can't help but feel like he put himself in this situation - it's not my fault, but I still feel slimy with guilt.
I will definitely check these resources out - it's shocking to me that I'll have to suggest a shelter to John, but I can't help but feel like he put himself in this situation - it's not my fault, but I still feel slimy with guilt
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Originally Posted by NeedHelpInMI
No one wants a hand in making John's situation worse, but if we take him in, he'll make our lives worse?
I know it's hard to wrap your head around, but 'helping' him at this point might just be the worst thing for him.
It sounds like he's burned through all his enablers and is looking for some fresh ones. It is of course your choice if you want that role, but in terms of helping him, the only thing you will accomplish is helping him maintain his lifestyle, which seems to be what he wants.
If he cannot find enablers to help him continue his self-destructive lifestyle, he might just have to do something different, like get sober and get his life together. Maybe he will, maybe he won't, but it's pretty certain that he won't as long as there are people willing to pick up the pieces for him.
I know this sounds very harsh, but if you do some looking around and research on alcoholism, you will find that what most normal people consider helping does not really apply to alcoholics.
BTW, if you or your bf feels like you really must take him in, then definitely set a time limit. As in, you can live here for one month, but that's it. You will have to find another place to live by X date. End of story. Not negotiable.
Good luck.
L
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Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
hi NeedHelpInMI...
I just read the title of your thread and before I even read the body of the text, my brain was screaming NOOOOOO!!. You're here because your gut tells you it's a bad idea to let this person in; listen to your gut. Once he's in your home, it'll be very hard to remove him.
Are you able to discuss this with your husband and present a "united front" to his friend, letting him know that because you care for him, you're not going to help him keep abusing?
I just read the title of your thread and before I even read the body of the text, my brain was screaming NOOOOOO!!. You're here because your gut tells you it's a bad idea to let this person in; listen to your gut. Once he's in your home, it'll be very hard to remove him.
Are you able to discuss this with your husband and present a "united front" to his friend, letting him know that because you care for him, you're not going to help him keep abusing?
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I'm in complete agreement with all of you - this is giving me more confidence to do what is right. I'm worried that my friends won't be agreeable with this advice - they are all closer friends with John than me, which is why they would have a harder time telling him no. Any advice on how to convince my friends not to become enablers, or is this going too far?
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Originally Posted by NeedHelpInMI
Any advice on how to convince my friends not to become enablers, or is this going too far?
L
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Thanks, imtheidiot - I told my bf that we need to sort our feelings out, set perimeters, and present a united front to our friends at the meeting. My bf still needs convincing, and has a philosophy of: "what if I was John, I'd want my friends to help me?"...
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Join Date: Feb 2009
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hmmm. tough spot.
the fact that he had a beer at lunch is a red flag.
it really depends on whether he is trying to recover (i.e. working a program) or just looking for a free ride. if he was in recovery, i would probably try to help him get on his feet. that doesn't necessarily mean living with him, tho.
if he is not serious about his recovery, i would not take him in. after living with an alcoholic, i would never do it again. it's too destructive in so many ways.
the fact that he had a beer at lunch is a red flag.
it really depends on whether he is trying to recover (i.e. working a program) or just looking for a free ride. if he was in recovery, i would probably try to help him get on his feet. that doesn't necessarily mean living with him, tho.
if he is not serious about his recovery, i would not take him in. after living with an alcoholic, i would never do it again. it's too destructive in so many ways.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
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Well as all of us who love alcoholics have learned the hard way you really can't convince anyone of anything!! I had to learn to step back and let people learn and decide things completely in their own way and at their own pace, if ever! Nor should you be swayed, knowing what you know, to act in a way counter to your understanding of the disease of addiction or to the best interests of your own mental and financial health.
What's effective for me when I am being stubborn is someone who just states facts - like "I've been researching alcoholism and I've come to accept [fill in blank].
You could look under the "Classic Reading" stickies at the top of the first page of this forum:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...c-reading.html
esp this classic:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html
...and probably find some tidbits you could share about alcoholism and enabling.
It is a world turned upside down - I had to tell my own brother once that he could not live with me - he had made such a mess of his life and he was actively drinking, broke, and being kicked out by yet another girlfriend...it was very painful, and difficult, but it was the right thing to do and it saved my sanity, my kids sanity, and my bank account.
Good luck!
b
What's effective for me when I am being stubborn is someone who just states facts - like "I've been researching alcoholism and I've come to accept [fill in blank].
You could look under the "Classic Reading" stickies at the top of the first page of this forum:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...c-reading.html
esp this classic:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html
...and probably find some tidbits you could share about alcoholism and enabling.
It is a world turned upside down - I had to tell my own brother once that he could not live with me - he had made such a mess of his life and he was actively drinking, broke, and being kicked out by yet another girlfriend...it was very painful, and difficult, but it was the right thing to do and it saved my sanity, my kids sanity, and my bank account.
Good luck!
b
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Join Date: Oct 2009
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Again, thank you so much to everyone - I can't say enough how uplifting this is for me.
I'd like to add one more element to this situation - my friends are under the impression that John is suicidal. We have had a handful of friends over the years commit suicide, and at least two of them had substance abuse/alcoholism problems. John was very close with one of them, she died in 2006. John and I talked about her during my visit, and he repeatedly said "suicide is a selfish act" and "how could anyone possibly do that?" - so I'm really undecided whether my friends' assessment is right, but I'm leaning towards John's not suicidal. Does this change how I approach the situation?...
I'd like to add one more element to this situation - my friends are under the impression that John is suicidal. We have had a handful of friends over the years commit suicide, and at least two of them had substance abuse/alcoholism problems. John was very close with one of them, she died in 2006. John and I talked about her during my visit, and he repeatedly said "suicide is a selfish act" and "how could anyone possibly do that?" - so I'm really undecided whether my friends' assessment is right, but I'm leaning towards John's not suicidal. Does this change how I approach the situation?...
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If he is suicidal, he needs to be in a hospital. Not in your house.
If he takes advantage of the resources that are there in terms of shelters/rehab, the counselors there will be much better suited to assist him than any of his friends.
I know its hard to watch someone struggle like John is right now, but LTD said it all here: "what most normal people consider helping does not really apply to alcoholics.
"
If he takes advantage of the resources that are there in terms of shelters/rehab, the counselors there will be much better suited to assist him than any of his friends.
I know its hard to watch someone struggle like John is right now, but LTD said it all here: "what most normal people consider helping does not really apply to alcoholics.
"
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Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
My attitude towards suicide threats is they should always be taken seriously and they are WAY WAY WAY bigger than me - meaning - I can't help that person. That person needs immediate PROFESSIONAL help, and I am just not qualified. I'd call 911 or take him to the nearest Psych ER or regular ER if he mentioned he was planning on ending his life....
Unfortunately suicide risk is increased for addicts/ alcoholics. I mean, we can look and see the carnage of their lives right in front of our eyes sometimes - so imagine the deep depression and self-loathing and shame they must feel. It probably all needs attending to if they wish to recover, but not by me, by them. I'm just not that powerful.
-b
Unfortunately suicide risk is increased for addicts/ alcoholics. I mean, we can look and see the carnage of their lives right in front of our eyes sometimes - so imagine the deep depression and self-loathing and shame they must feel. It probably all needs attending to if they wish to recover, but not by me, by them. I'm just not that powerful.
-b
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