What the heck is wrong with me?!
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
What the heck is wrong with me?!
I honestly don't know what's taken me over. I was really doing ok until Sunday evening.
I last saw STBX on Thursday morning. We spoke daytime about my decision to change my last name at work. In the evening, he called to discuss the matter further. He quacked, I responded calmly, he hung up. End of story. He called again later. I didn't respond. So far so good.
Friday morning, I get a call from him apologizing and explaining to me why he's justified in feeling frustrated that I changed my name so quickly. He accused me of seeing someone already. I responded calmly that I'm really NOT ready for any kind of relationship and won't be for...a long time; he was deterred and we made plans to do our massive monthly grocery shopping on Sunday, as usual. Things were still ok. I was doing great.
I receive an email from him right after saying:
"You know the downside to you not admitting it now is that its really gonna suck for you later if you two get serious and you have to introduce him to me before he meets Alia."
Geez. More assumptions on his part. I don't respond.
My day ends. I pick up my baby at daycare and go home. I don't hear from him Friday night. I don't hear from him Saturday morning. Fine. I get along great without him. I go apple picking with my daughter and a friend. We have a great time and I go home with a bag of apples. Still no news from STBX, but I figure "who cares?". This gives me a taste of what it will be like when I move out.
Finally, Sunday morning comes and I still haven't heard from him. I make the decision to contact him and if he's "not available" to go buy groceries with me, I'll go alone, which is no small feat when living on the 2nd floor of a 4 storey walkup, with a baby in tow. I call him and he answers all groggy, saying that he'd been out late. As in, out drinking. Ok, fine. I go grocery shopping on my own, and somehow manage to carry all the groceries up the stairs while my ever-so-patient daughter waits in the locked car for me. My HP must have been looking out for her, especially when in my haste I forget the car keys in the refrigerator.
My day continues to go well. I drop off my daughter at my parents and go tango dancing, which I used to do years ago until STBX forbade me to go. But, we splitting up, so hey, I can start tangoing again
On my way home, things start to go badly for me. I don't know what caused it but I nearly have a panic attack in the car. I'm nauseous and anxious and can't stop thinking about STBX and how selfish he's being sulking the entire week-end and NOT seeing his daughter all this time. I start beating myself up mentally for staying in the same apartment as him until January, just to give HIM some time to save money before I move out. I make it back to my parents' house and just break down. Just thinking about having to go home that night makes me feel like I'm chocking. I think that he'll be there and it sends chills down my spine. It takes my parents several hours to talk me down...
Honestly, I don't know what happened. I was feeling so well, so positive and happy that I was able to detach from him and his drama. I went out with a friend. I went to a milonga and danced tango for 4 hours. And then BAM. I'm a mess. I wonder where he is, what he's doing, if he's ok, and then get angry at myself for thinking those things. Wow, I haven't been in this much turmoil in a long time...
When I finally did see him last night, wearing clothing that wasn't his, sporting some nice open sores on his knuckles, it took everything I had not to hit him or hug him, I couldn't figure out which. I escaped into the bedroom and went to sleep early.
What the heck is going on here?
I last saw STBX on Thursday morning. We spoke daytime about my decision to change my last name at work. In the evening, he called to discuss the matter further. He quacked, I responded calmly, he hung up. End of story. He called again later. I didn't respond. So far so good.
Friday morning, I get a call from him apologizing and explaining to me why he's justified in feeling frustrated that I changed my name so quickly. He accused me of seeing someone already. I responded calmly that I'm really NOT ready for any kind of relationship and won't be for...a long time; he was deterred and we made plans to do our massive monthly grocery shopping on Sunday, as usual. Things were still ok. I was doing great.
I receive an email from him right after saying:
"You know the downside to you not admitting it now is that its really gonna suck for you later if you two get serious and you have to introduce him to me before he meets Alia."
Geez. More assumptions on his part. I don't respond.
My day ends. I pick up my baby at daycare and go home. I don't hear from him Friday night. I don't hear from him Saturday morning. Fine. I get along great without him. I go apple picking with my daughter and a friend. We have a great time and I go home with a bag of apples. Still no news from STBX, but I figure "who cares?". This gives me a taste of what it will be like when I move out.
Finally, Sunday morning comes and I still haven't heard from him. I make the decision to contact him and if he's "not available" to go buy groceries with me, I'll go alone, which is no small feat when living on the 2nd floor of a 4 storey walkup, with a baby in tow. I call him and he answers all groggy, saying that he'd been out late. As in, out drinking. Ok, fine. I go grocery shopping on my own, and somehow manage to carry all the groceries up the stairs while my ever-so-patient daughter waits in the locked car for me. My HP must have been looking out for her, especially when in my haste I forget the car keys in the refrigerator.
My day continues to go well. I drop off my daughter at my parents and go tango dancing, which I used to do years ago until STBX forbade me to go. But, we splitting up, so hey, I can start tangoing again
On my way home, things start to go badly for me. I don't know what caused it but I nearly have a panic attack in the car. I'm nauseous and anxious and can't stop thinking about STBX and how selfish he's being sulking the entire week-end and NOT seeing his daughter all this time. I start beating myself up mentally for staying in the same apartment as him until January, just to give HIM some time to save money before I move out. I make it back to my parents' house and just break down. Just thinking about having to go home that night makes me feel like I'm chocking. I think that he'll be there and it sends chills down my spine. It takes my parents several hours to talk me down...
Honestly, I don't know what happened. I was feeling so well, so positive and happy that I was able to detach from him and his drama. I went out with a friend. I went to a milonga and danced tango for 4 hours. And then BAM. I'm a mess. I wonder where he is, what he's doing, if he's ok, and then get angry at myself for thinking those things. Wow, I haven't been in this much turmoil in a long time...
When I finally did see him last night, wearing clothing that wasn't his, sporting some nice open sores on his knuckles, it took everything I had not to hit him or hug him, I couldn't figure out which. I escaped into the bedroom and went to sleep early.
What the heck is going on here?
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
It appears you are grieving. Grief is not just something we experience because of physical death of a loved one. It is also something we experience due to the loss of a significant relationship.
Here is an outline of the 5 stages of grief. As printed it is about the loss of a loved one, but can be applied to the loss of a relationship (as it was):
Denial — "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening, not to me."
Denial is usually only a temporary defense for the individual. This feeling is generally replaced with heightened awareness of situations and individuals that will be left behind after death.[1]
Anger — "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; "Who is to blame?"
Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy. Any individual that symbolizes life or energy is subject to projected resentment and jealousy.[1]
Bargaining — "Just let me live to see my children graduate."; "I'll do anything for a few more years."; "I will give my life savings if..."
The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow postpone or delay death. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. Psychologically, the person is saying, "I understand I will die, but if I could just have more time..."[1]
Depression — "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die . . . What's the point?"; "I miss my loved one, why go on?"
During the fourth stage, the dying person begins to understand the certainty of death. Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and grieving. This process allows the dying person to disconnect oneself from things of love and affection. It is not recommended to attempt to cheer up an individual who is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed.[1]
Acceptance — "It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."
This final stage comes with peace and understanding of the death that is approaching. Generally, the person in the fifth stage will want to be left alone. Additionally, feelings and physical pain may be non-existent. This stage has also been described as the end of the dying struggle.[1]
Kübler-Ross originally applied these stages to people suffering from terminal illness, and later to any form of catastrophic personal loss (job, income, freedom).[1] This may also include significant life events such as the death of a loved one, divorce, drug addiction, or an infertility diagnosis.
Kübler-Ross claimed these steps do not necessarily come in the order noted above, nor are all steps experienced by all patients, though she stated a person will always experience at least two. Often, people will experience several stages in a "roller coaster" effect - switching between two or more stages, returning to one or more several times before working through it.[1]
Significantly, people experiencing the stages should not force the process. The grief process is highly personal and should not be rushed, nor lengthened, on the basis of an individual's imposed time frame or opinion. One should merely be aware that the stages will be worked through and the ultimate stage of "Acceptance" will be reached.
I'm glad you were with family when you were hit with the sadness/depression stage. I know I felt like curling into a ball on the floor and weeping when mine hit and I was at work at the time. We can't plan when the stages will hit, but it helps to know that they are coming and they are a healthy process of healing.
(((hugs)))
Here is an outline of the 5 stages of grief. As printed it is about the loss of a loved one, but can be applied to the loss of a relationship (as it was):
Denial — "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening, not to me."
Denial is usually only a temporary defense for the individual. This feeling is generally replaced with heightened awareness of situations and individuals that will be left behind after death.[1]
Anger — "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; "Who is to blame?"
Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy. Any individual that symbolizes life or energy is subject to projected resentment and jealousy.[1]
Bargaining — "Just let me live to see my children graduate."; "I'll do anything for a few more years."; "I will give my life savings if..."
The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow postpone or delay death. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. Psychologically, the person is saying, "I understand I will die, but if I could just have more time..."[1]
Depression — "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die . . . What's the point?"; "I miss my loved one, why go on?"
During the fourth stage, the dying person begins to understand the certainty of death. Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and grieving. This process allows the dying person to disconnect oneself from things of love and affection. It is not recommended to attempt to cheer up an individual who is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed.[1]
Acceptance — "It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."
This final stage comes with peace and understanding of the death that is approaching. Generally, the person in the fifth stage will want to be left alone. Additionally, feelings and physical pain may be non-existent. This stage has also been described as the end of the dying struggle.[1]
Kübler-Ross originally applied these stages to people suffering from terminal illness, and later to any form of catastrophic personal loss (job, income, freedom).[1] This may also include significant life events such as the death of a loved one, divorce, drug addiction, or an infertility diagnosis.
Kübler-Ross claimed these steps do not necessarily come in the order noted above, nor are all steps experienced by all patients, though she stated a person will always experience at least two. Often, people will experience several stages in a "roller coaster" effect - switching between two or more stages, returning to one or more several times before working through it.[1]
Significantly, people experiencing the stages should not force the process. The grief process is highly personal and should not be rushed, nor lengthened, on the basis of an individual's imposed time frame or opinion. One should merely be aware that the stages will be worked through and the ultimate stage of "Acceptance" will be reached.
I'm glad you were with family when you were hit with the sadness/depression stage. I know I felt like curling into a ball on the floor and weeping when mine hit and I was at work at the time. We can't plan when the stages will hit, but it helps to know that they are coming and they are a healthy process of healing.
(((hugs)))
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Here we are! These are the stages as adapted for grieving the loss of a relationship. Hope this helps you:
David Kessler and Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in their book, On Death and Dying, provided the modern psychological world with a widely accepted model of the five stages of grief. Below is my personal adaptation of these stages as it pertains to the loss of a relationship:
1. Denial
The body’s natural defense system works to protect us from threatening situations during the initial stages. You may find yourself operating on “cruise control”. You are going through the normal, everyday activities of your life, but you are only vaguely aware of what is happening. You are, in all actuality, only “going through the motions”. It is common to expect him or her to call or show up at any time and this whole situation will be explained as a simple misunderstanding.
2. Anger
This is the beginning of the heartache. You will allow your anger to rage. You might rehash details of the relationship over and over again questioning everything that was said or done. You might beat yourself up over ever allowing yourself to get involved with “any one like that” in the first place.
3. Bargaining
It is common in this stage to rehash the past, but not in the way you did before. Now you are reliving the good times and often with rose-colored glasses. You remember the good times and you begin to view the bad times as not that bad after all. Here you may find yourself plotting ways to get your lover back, but often by sacrificing your needs. You might think, “If I could just get him to take me back, I will never be jealous about his affairs again.”
4. Depression
Your anger and scheming has finally subsided and now you have hit bottom. This is, with out a doubt, the most painful stage. Here you will question if you can ever be happy again. The finality of the situation has set in to your mind. It is over and now you know it. Often, this stage is where the feelings of loss and hopelessness are strongest.
5. Acceptance
Time can heal all wounds, but time alone will not be enough. During this stage, we come to grips with the raging tide of emotions. We have ended the internal struggle and have completed the healing process of grief.
If you have recently ended an intensely emotional relationship, you should see yourself within one of these five stages right now. It is important to remember that the emotions you are feeling are natural. You are emotionally healing. Embrace this time and allow yourself to move steadily through each stage.
David Kessler and Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in their book, On Death and Dying, provided the modern psychological world with a widely accepted model of the five stages of grief. Below is my personal adaptation of these stages as it pertains to the loss of a relationship:
1. Denial
The body’s natural defense system works to protect us from threatening situations during the initial stages. You may find yourself operating on “cruise control”. You are going through the normal, everyday activities of your life, but you are only vaguely aware of what is happening. You are, in all actuality, only “going through the motions”. It is common to expect him or her to call or show up at any time and this whole situation will be explained as a simple misunderstanding.
2. Anger
This is the beginning of the heartache. You will allow your anger to rage. You might rehash details of the relationship over and over again questioning everything that was said or done. You might beat yourself up over ever allowing yourself to get involved with “any one like that” in the first place.
3. Bargaining
It is common in this stage to rehash the past, but not in the way you did before. Now you are reliving the good times and often with rose-colored glasses. You remember the good times and you begin to view the bad times as not that bad after all. Here you may find yourself plotting ways to get your lover back, but often by sacrificing your needs. You might think, “If I could just get him to take me back, I will never be jealous about his affairs again.”
4. Depression
Your anger and scheming has finally subsided and now you have hit bottom. This is, with out a doubt, the most painful stage. Here you will question if you can ever be happy again. The finality of the situation has set in to your mind. It is over and now you know it. Often, this stage is where the feelings of loss and hopelessness are strongest.
5. Acceptance
Time can heal all wounds, but time alone will not be enough. During this stage, we come to grips with the raging tide of emotions. We have ended the internal struggle and have completed the healing process of grief.
If you have recently ended an intensely emotional relationship, you should see yourself within one of these five stages right now. It is important to remember that the emotions you are feeling are natural. You are emotionally healing. Embrace this time and allow yourself to move steadily through each stage.
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