New to soberrecovery. Can't stop crying. Please tell me I'm not alone.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
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Originally Posted by TakingCharge999 
hi sclarke! I saw a lot of "he he he" in your last post... I wanted to challenge you to write another post starting with "I I I" "me me me"!
You know, we are worth so much more, we need to give ourselves more grace!!!!
You know, we are worth so much more, we need to give ourselves more grace!!!!
IMHO, you are letting the Alcoholic take up space in your head, rent free.
You spend so much time and energy supposing this....assuming that....wondering this.....imagining that......( his money, his new gf, his kids, her kids, his bills, ect) and you keep trying to apply logic and reason to everything concerning him.
Let me tell you, as a recovering alcoholic, the only logical and reasonable thing he has done is inhale and exhale. And that was only because of a power greater than himself.
Please, please, please stop the stinking thinking each time it starts. Focus your time and energy on something you can control: yourself. Take care of yourself one day at a time, one moment at a time!
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: London
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Oh Pelican I know you're absolutely right. I do know I am wasting too much valuable thinking time on him. It's just still raw. I know it's been two months since everything was fine but the break up came in June and then a week and a half went by and then there was a couple of weeks of really friendly contact, all initiated by him. So it still seems so raw. Anyway I'm going away on my own for a few days next week and am going to do a little self therapy. Am taking Co-dependent no more with me and am starting al anon sessions when I get back. I looked them up this morning. I will get there!!
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Well finally something inside me seems to have clicked tonight! It has taken almost three months but it's there. I hope it's a permanent switch! I have been called tonight by my ex's landlord and his disabled housemate. The landlord said my ex owed him £80 towards this month's rent. He fobbed him off last week that he would pay him on Friday. (I was with my ex long enough to know any benefits he receives are spent over the weekend in the boozer!) If he didn't pay him, he was out!
Then his wheelchair-bound housemate phoned me to say he owed her £125 and had been fobbing her off for weeks. Either he will have to be thrown out or she will leave the house. But we all know what will happen if she goes - no-one else in the house who is in their right mind will take on the bills, only to subsidise him and his addiction. It's made even worse as apparently he brought home six loads of washing yesterday belonging to his single mother of four - and washed the lot. More washing today.
The penny has finally dropped that I am well rid of this guy. The penny has also dropped that rather than feeling angry with this woman (I don't think she's a big drinker by the way!) for fancying my ex and going after him in the most devious of ways (My female intuition was right from the very first second I laid eyes on her!) I should pity the woman and her four children who I should imagine will be reading these posts a few months or years from now - if it lasts that long.
What's the bet, as I was a key enabler for months if not years without realising it, I get a call at some point when she can't afford to 'feed' him?
On another matter I went to my first Al Anon session last week while on holiday in Bournemouth. Wasn't what I expected but I can see it will be useful so I intend to keep going. Am also going to attend an open AA session which runs every Friday. I think I will quicker gain more peace of mind if I can hear the point of view of recovering alcoholics.
Keep posting your stories everyone, knowing we're all going through the same thing is of immense help in restoring my sanity!! And I'm still progressing with Co Dependent No More. Even though I'm still on my first read I'm planning to read it again a second time highlighting the most useful passages of the book. (I've already turned the corners of relevant pages but there's so many of them it's easier just to wholly re-read!)
Stay strong everyone. Together we'll get through it
Then his wheelchair-bound housemate phoned me to say he owed her £125 and had been fobbing her off for weeks. Either he will have to be thrown out or she will leave the house. But we all know what will happen if she goes - no-one else in the house who is in their right mind will take on the bills, only to subsidise him and his addiction. It's made even worse as apparently he brought home six loads of washing yesterday belonging to his single mother of four - and washed the lot. More washing today.
The penny has finally dropped that I am well rid of this guy. The penny has also dropped that rather than feeling angry with this woman (I don't think she's a big drinker by the way!) for fancying my ex and going after him in the most devious of ways (My female intuition was right from the very first second I laid eyes on her!) I should pity the woman and her four children who I should imagine will be reading these posts a few months or years from now - if it lasts that long.
What's the bet, as I was a key enabler for months if not years without realising it, I get a call at some point when she can't afford to 'feed' him?
On another matter I went to my first Al Anon session last week while on holiday in Bournemouth. Wasn't what I expected but I can see it will be useful so I intend to keep going. Am also going to attend an open AA session which runs every Friday. I think I will quicker gain more peace of mind if I can hear the point of view of recovering alcoholics.
Keep posting your stories everyone, knowing we're all going through the same thing is of immense help in restoring my sanity!! And I'm still progressing with Co Dependent No More. Even though I'm still on my first read I'm planning to read it again a second time highlighting the most useful passages of the book. (I've already turned the corners of relevant pages but there's so many of them it's easier just to wholly re-read!)
Stay strong everyone. Together we'll get through it
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Join Date: Feb 2009
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hi sclarke-
i also attend AA meetings and gain a lot of insight regarding my xABF. also, it helps me feel compassion, which is preferred to anger and resentment.
as for his nasty text telling you to stop getting other people involved, with mine, i eventually figured out that he frequently accused me of what he was doing. once i understood this, it really helped me stop defending my position to him. and it also let me know what he was up to!
for example, if he accused me of cheating on him, it was because he was actually cheating.
if he accused me of drinking too much, it was because he was.
none of his accusations were based on facts or my own behaviors, it was his guilt talking.
and the debt, mine was the same. borrowed everything up front and when he got paid, it was all due to other people. not that he paid them, mind you. i too thought soon this well would run dry, but it hasn't, as there is always some new unsuspecting person who will buy his sob story. and when the town runs dry, he just changes towns for a while.
and he probably will come around your door when he looses his flat and/or his new girl. the best way to deal with that is to go no contact otherwise, you might get involved again.
naive
i also attend AA meetings and gain a lot of insight regarding my xABF. also, it helps me feel compassion, which is preferred to anger and resentment.
as for his nasty text telling you to stop getting other people involved, with mine, i eventually figured out that he frequently accused me of what he was doing. once i understood this, it really helped me stop defending my position to him. and it also let me know what he was up to!
for example, if he accused me of cheating on him, it was because he was actually cheating.
if he accused me of drinking too much, it was because he was.
none of his accusations were based on facts or my own behaviors, it was his guilt talking.
and the debt, mine was the same. borrowed everything up front and when he got paid, it was all due to other people. not that he paid them, mind you. i too thought soon this well would run dry, but it hasn't, as there is always some new unsuspecting person who will buy his sob story. and when the town runs dry, he just changes towns for a while.
and he probably will come around your door when he looses his flat and/or his new girl. the best way to deal with that is to go no contact otherwise, you might get involved again.
naive
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Join Date: Sep 2008
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I once got a "begging" request from XAH, who had gone thru all his Super fund payout and wanted to borrow from me, (I was on pension) as he had our family coming for dinner and no way to feed them. We had been separated for over 6 months and he had accused me of every crime possible during that 6 months, so I was NOT in friendly mood.
Replied to him, "I am sorry K, you have mistaken me for someone who cares. I wish you all the best for your family get together." Then I hung up.
Worked for me.
Replied to him, "I am sorry K, you have mistaken me for someone who cares. I wish you all the best for your family get together." Then I hung up.
Worked for me.
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Hi Naive
Thanks for your reply. To be fair to my ex that is the only time I've really heard from him since his change of character. Before that communication I had last spoken to him in June when he was his normal, friendly self. However you have struck a chord as, as I explained, I have heard nothing from any one of his friends apart from the landlady of the pub fb'd me a birthday message. Then, much to the suspicion of my friend Michelle, I had a random friend request from his friend's girlfriend and a random 'accidental' phone call from his friend Nigel on the same day my ex later sent me that text. To add insult to injury, when I picked up the phone Nige said: 'Is that Claire' (ex's new woman) which my friend thought was a wind up staged by my ex. (I personally don't think it was but I can't be sure - I do think it was all a coincidence that day but you can never be sure can you. Anyway I'd like to thank you again as I remember a couple of weeks ago you wrote to me specifically (upon my request) about your experience of living with an abf and you made me realise I had a lucky escape and rather than hate this Claire for literally setting out to steal him from me, I should pity her, and more her young children!
Jadmack many thanks for sharing your experience. I just don't think a non-alcoholic young mum of four, who has just come out of a divorce, and who apparently can't afford to fix her washing machine, will put up with a daily drinking, non working, drinker. I am still reading Co Dependent No More and today cried in front of loads of people at my second Al Anon meeting. I am also attending AA this Friday.
I do feel Co Dependent No More and SR are giving me real strength. And I have met some wonderful people at Al Anon this week and last. I'm sure between the book, SR, Al Anon and the AA I will get there. Funnily enough I don't think I'll get there without the combination of all four though as they're all helping in very different ways.
Stay strong everyone. :ghug2
Thanks for your reply. To be fair to my ex that is the only time I've really heard from him since his change of character. Before that communication I had last spoken to him in June when he was his normal, friendly self. However you have struck a chord as, as I explained, I have heard nothing from any one of his friends apart from the landlady of the pub fb'd me a birthday message. Then, much to the suspicion of my friend Michelle, I had a random friend request from his friend's girlfriend and a random 'accidental' phone call from his friend Nigel on the same day my ex later sent me that text. To add insult to injury, when I picked up the phone Nige said: 'Is that Claire' (ex's new woman) which my friend thought was a wind up staged by my ex. (I personally don't think it was but I can't be sure - I do think it was all a coincidence that day but you can never be sure can you. Anyway I'd like to thank you again as I remember a couple of weeks ago you wrote to me specifically (upon my request) about your experience of living with an abf and you made me realise I had a lucky escape and rather than hate this Claire for literally setting out to steal him from me, I should pity her, and more her young children!
Jadmack many thanks for sharing your experience. I just don't think a non-alcoholic young mum of four, who has just come out of a divorce, and who apparently can't afford to fix her washing machine, will put up with a daily drinking, non working, drinker. I am still reading Co Dependent No More and today cried in front of loads of people at my second Al Anon meeting. I am also attending AA this Friday.
I do feel Co Dependent No More and SR are giving me real strength. And I have met some wonderful people at Al Anon this week and last. I'm sure between the book, SR, Al Anon and the AA I will get there. Funnily enough I don't think I'll get there without the combination of all four though as they're all helping in very different ways.
Stay strong everyone. :ghug2
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
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sclarke, I lived hell with ppl telling me about new gf, possible cheating, how he was on top of the world and i was the one who was not ok, blah blah my best suggestion would be, create a new FB account and put only close people and NO ONE THAT KNOWS HIM or ppl that are on YOUR SIDE and who you truly trust.. i hated to walk on eggshells in FACEBOOK and see the odd pictures and not be able to check out pictures without fear!!!!!!!
no contact extends to his friends or whoever has the disgrace of having him in their lives LOL *(sorry back to well behaved TC999) ... make new friends that have nothing to do with the past..
i have a single girl friend down here, and a good guy. i do not need more. and i do not need the "friendship" of people that will add to the drama or gossip or tell me they like me and are my friends then they laugh with ex and invite him the drinks. even their faces alone remind me of the hell before. no thanks.
when you are healed you can revisit those friendships....... if they are worthy they will understand..
no contact extends to his friends or whoever has the disgrace of having him in their lives LOL *(sorry back to well behaved TC999) ... make new friends that have nothing to do with the past..
i have a single girl friend down here, and a good guy. i do not need more. and i do not need the "friendship" of people that will add to the drama or gossip or tell me they like me and are my friends then they laugh with ex and invite him the drinks. even their faces alone remind me of the hell before. no thanks.
when you are healed you can revisit those friendships....... if they are worthy they will understand..
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Join Date: Jul 2009
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Dear all
Am I being unrealistic? Those of you who have read my posts will know I am much like Queenie in I just want my ex to validate our relationship, validate he did love me and care about me as much as he always told me, etc, etc. And as I said yesterday in a post started by Queenie, no matter of 'Why do you need that?' etc from all of you wonderful people (I say wonderful as I do know you are right and I know you all know exactly what I'm going through) it doesn't seem to make a difference with me.
To recap very briefly, exabf finished with me at the end of May after three years in which he was lovely, charming, protective, and yes OK took advantage. I know there is this thing that the dumper detaches from the dumpee etc in the weeks beforehand, but I truly believe with him it was spur of the moment. For a start his ex wouldn't let me meet his beautiful children until he was absolutely sure about me. He had to argue with her to the hilt as she (quite rightly) didn't want them introduced to a succession of girlfriends. Three years and many rows later she relented. I met them a few times. Six weeks after the first meeting he dumped me - something I know she'll be throwing back in his face time and time again in the years to come. He dumped me (though he didn't admit it) for someone else. I know it'll probably be at least another three years before his ex relents on this one. Though I live 30 miles from him. This one lives in the same village. His ex is a feisty one who will make his life hell if he doesn't keep a low profile with this new one. I bet he'll wish he wasn't so quick to dump me then!
Also in the couple of weeks before he dumped me he paid me three lump sums of money he owed me (and more besides by the way!!) one for £345, one for £72 and the third and final - literally three days before we split - for £120. This to me definitely suggests he wasn't planning anything then - the exabf I know would have held on to those beer / cider tokens for his daily ritual.
My question here is he messed it up with his family (was estranged with his dad and brother on and off for three / four years because of drinking, hadn't seen his mum in a year even though she's a 10 minute walk away), he's stuffed it up with his children (never made much of an effort with them while drinking and until this year had seen them a handful of times in three or four years, he stuffed it up with his ex, he stuffed it up with me. He has stuffed it up with himself - losing friends and family, living on the streets, sleeping in doorways, ending up in prison earlier this year (drinking to drunkenness the very night he came back out after six weeks). Is there any chance he will stuff it up with rebound woman? She's not a drinker in particular. She's a mother of four young children and to be honest in our two years of going to this one particular pub (exabfs 'home') I only ever saw her five times and that's all since he got out of jail in March. She met him in this pub. Her sister and brother in law drink in that pub and she has friends in that pub. (Some of those friends were mine!) Some of those friends have maintained contact with me (minimal as I never initiate back) and I know from the reaction he and I got in the pub (What is she doing with you, how did you land this classy woman, etc) and the way the men in particular react to this woman (They make fun of her as she's not bright, has no personality, isn't particularly attractive) they will be talking about exabf and why he got rid of me for her. I suppose what I'm trying to say is everyone knows I was devoted to him. They know I've been hurt by him. I know he'll regret getting with this woman (He's had two 'trophy' girlfriends but this one certainly isn't) but is he likely to stay with her so as not to lose his life in his local? Or will he just find another local if he starts getting talked about? As I said in Queenie's thread I just want him to validate us. I don't want him back, but I can't get over these low feelings I've had for three months. I don't think he'll contact me unless things go drastically wrong with her, but is he likely to make more of an effort with her as he doesn't want to be talked about in the pub? Even though he's lost his ex, his family, his beautiful children, his home, self respect and me through alcohol? Sorry I'm in a real muddle right now. I was doing well but now feel I'm back at square one :-(
Am I being unrealistic? Those of you who have read my posts will know I am much like Queenie in I just want my ex to validate our relationship, validate he did love me and care about me as much as he always told me, etc, etc. And as I said yesterday in a post started by Queenie, no matter of 'Why do you need that?' etc from all of you wonderful people (I say wonderful as I do know you are right and I know you all know exactly what I'm going through) it doesn't seem to make a difference with me.
To recap very briefly, exabf finished with me at the end of May after three years in which he was lovely, charming, protective, and yes OK took advantage. I know there is this thing that the dumper detaches from the dumpee etc in the weeks beforehand, but I truly believe with him it was spur of the moment. For a start his ex wouldn't let me meet his beautiful children until he was absolutely sure about me. He had to argue with her to the hilt as she (quite rightly) didn't want them introduced to a succession of girlfriends. Three years and many rows later she relented. I met them a few times. Six weeks after the first meeting he dumped me - something I know she'll be throwing back in his face time and time again in the years to come. He dumped me (though he didn't admit it) for someone else. I know it'll probably be at least another three years before his ex relents on this one. Though I live 30 miles from him. This one lives in the same village. His ex is a feisty one who will make his life hell if he doesn't keep a low profile with this new one. I bet he'll wish he wasn't so quick to dump me then!
Also in the couple of weeks before he dumped me he paid me three lump sums of money he owed me (and more besides by the way!!) one for £345, one for £72 and the third and final - literally three days before we split - for £120. This to me definitely suggests he wasn't planning anything then - the exabf I know would have held on to those beer / cider tokens for his daily ritual.
My question here is he messed it up with his family (was estranged with his dad and brother on and off for three / four years because of drinking, hadn't seen his mum in a year even though she's a 10 minute walk away), he's stuffed it up with his children (never made much of an effort with them while drinking and until this year had seen them a handful of times in three or four years, he stuffed it up with his ex, he stuffed it up with me. He has stuffed it up with himself - losing friends and family, living on the streets, sleeping in doorways, ending up in prison earlier this year (drinking to drunkenness the very night he came back out after six weeks). Is there any chance he will stuff it up with rebound woman? She's not a drinker in particular. She's a mother of four young children and to be honest in our two years of going to this one particular pub (exabfs 'home') I only ever saw her five times and that's all since he got out of jail in March. She met him in this pub. Her sister and brother in law drink in that pub and she has friends in that pub. (Some of those friends were mine!) Some of those friends have maintained contact with me (minimal as I never initiate back) and I know from the reaction he and I got in the pub (What is she doing with you, how did you land this classy woman, etc) and the way the men in particular react to this woman (They make fun of her as she's not bright, has no personality, isn't particularly attractive) they will be talking about exabf and why he got rid of me for her. I suppose what I'm trying to say is everyone knows I was devoted to him. They know I've been hurt by him. I know he'll regret getting with this woman (He's had two 'trophy' girlfriends but this one certainly isn't) but is he likely to stay with her so as not to lose his life in his local? Or will he just find another local if he starts getting talked about? As I said in Queenie's thread I just want him to validate us. I don't want him back, but I can't get over these low feelings I've had for three months. I don't think he'll contact me unless things go drastically wrong with her, but is he likely to make more of an effort with her as he doesn't want to be talked about in the pub? Even though he's lost his ex, his family, his beautiful children, his home, self respect and me through alcohol? Sorry I'm in a real muddle right now. I was doing well but now feel I'm back at square one :-(
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Oh, sorry, I forgot to say - to add to this, he is still drinking. They have been together about six weeks and they live in a pokey little place with her four young children. (Strange as he couldn't stick around for his own !) They had a row last weekend and he stayed at his own place for the first time in a month. As I was enabling him to keep that place, I pulled the rent payments a few weeks ago and the very day after he stayed there his landlord (who saw him the next day and said he was in an absolutely foul mood - the day after he stayed at home on his own on a Saturday night) ripped up his bed and threw him out. So six weeks into their relationship he wanted to stay in his own bed on a Saturday. I can honestly say we rarely rowed and we were never apart on a Saturday night - ever - apart from when he was in jail : -(
Thoughts please? I know I'm a desperate codie but I am taking steps - going to Al Anon, AA, reading Melody Beattie. I just need to know all is not lost and he will one day pick up the phone and say he was wrong.
Thoughts please? I know I'm a desperate codie but I am taking steps - going to Al Anon, AA, reading Melody Beattie. I just need to know all is not lost and he will one day pick up the phone and say he was wrong.
Curled up in a good book...
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Oh (((Sclarke)))! Your posts are all about him - what he's doing, how he's living etc etc. He might pick up the phone and apologise - but it isn't very likely, unless he wants something from you, is it? Let it go. Stop obsessing. When your mind starts to wander his way, distract yourself.
What about you? What do you want for you? How do you want to live? What nice things have you done for you? Take the focus off him and put it right back on YOU!
What about you? What do you want for you? How do you want to live? What nice things have you done for you? Take the focus off him and put it right back on YOU!
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I know you're right Bookwyrm. I know you are. I was doing really well but today have started to obsess again. Feel like it's JUST ended and the reality of the drinking has JUST hit me. Made myself go out with a friend earlier which did me the world of good. Going out for dinner with friends tomorrow and am spending Saturday taking inspiration from fellow SR posters, Codependent No More and family XXX
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Bookwyrm thanks again. After reading your post I had a word with myself along the lines of 'pull yourself together girl' I went back to the very beginning of this thread and re-read my original posts and some of the very first responses - including one from yourself. So thanks again. I can't believe I won't be on here again bleating 'why hasn't he phoned me yet?' at some point in the future when I feel I'm having a weak moment. But right now my train of thought is 'get on with it girl! Who is he anyway??' Thank you for that kick up the backside as it were : - ) 
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
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Ooops! I didn't mean to be harsh!! And stopping obsessing is really hard - I still find myself slipping and spending days arguing with him in my head trying to get him to see sense! I've accepted now that this will never happen and waiting for some sort of closure from him is not good for me. Ah well, progress not perfection as they say. Time to start living - for both of us!
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Thank you, "Taking Charge"!
I learned a lot from your post. Your comments on relationships-what they mean, and don't mean, to the alcoholic.
After watching our daughter, now 27, spiral slowly downward into her current state over the past four years (during which time she lost her full time job, run out her unemployment, and is now semi-employed in a dead end job, living off a girlfriend's mis-guided generosity) and looking back at her unrealized ambitions and broken relationships over the past four years, I've concluded she is an alcoholic (or drinking alcoholically) and may be into other drugs as well. I always wondered why she has never been able to sustain a healthy relationship of any length with either men or women (she says she is bisexual) and now, thanks to you, I think I know. She uses people in her relationships to feed her addictions.
I learned a lot from your post. Your comments on relationships-what they mean, and don't mean, to the alcoholic.
After watching our daughter, now 27, spiral slowly downward into her current state over the past four years (during which time she lost her full time job, run out her unemployment, and is now semi-employed in a dead end job, living off a girlfriend's mis-guided generosity) and looking back at her unrealized ambitions and broken relationships over the past four years, I've concluded she is an alcoholic (or drinking alcoholically) and may be into other drugs as well. I always wondered why she has never been able to sustain a healthy relationship of any length with either men or women (she says she is bisexual) and now, thanks to you, I think I know. She uses people in her relationships to feed her addictions.
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