MissFixit

Hi,

This question might seem a bit obvious to some, but it dawned on me recently.

Has being in a troubled relationship (like those with active A's) changed your personality?

I used to be much more light and fun to be around. Haven't been that way in years. Rarely do I laugh or make jokes anymore. Not interested in many of the things I once was. I know that this is all part of depression, but can being in a destructive relationship just permanently change you? Do you ever go back to the naive, light person you might have been before?

Miss

ToughChoices

I believe we never go back - only forward.

Now,that doesn't mean that you are destined to be a permanently humorless, pessimist (not that I think those titles apply to you AT ALL ), that your days of fun and frivolity are gone forever.

But, you will never be the girl you were. And that's OK.

Perhaps consider that you're just developing some depth right now, Miss.
Gibran says that sorrow carves us out so that we can contain more joy.
There will be a time for great joy. The time is coming.

You're in my prayers, sweet Miss!
-Mel

Still Waters

Yes, definitely.

I hope to one day get a bit of the old me back.

queenie88

i'm not sure about the concept of permanence - i can only speak from my experience. xabf and i were together for a little over a year, 3 months of which we were living together, when i really got to see the extent of his damaging behaviors. i only experienced the 'personality change' when we were living together and through today - it's been 3 months since he kicked me out of his house and 2 months since he broke up with me. even while i was living with him, i felt like i didn't even know who i was any more. now, through the help of SR and a lot of self-help books, i can look back on our time living together and determine that a lot of codependent behaviors reared their ugly heads, most of which i didn't even know i had. so i guess for me that was really disturbing. i didn't know why i was acting the way i was acting, but i knew i didn't like it. it certainly didn't help that xabf would say things like "i feel like i don't know you as well as i thought i did" and "you're selfish, immature, and an angry and unhappy person." somehow deep within myself, some part of me must have known that wasn't true. he said these things and i'd ask myself, "is this really me?" i guess i asked myself that so many times that i began to believe it was true. i left feeling destroyed. no self-worth, lack of self-esteem, i didn't trust myself any more. i didn't know who i was any more. i thought xabf was right. i thought i was a horrible person.

i remember writing in my journal "i'm waiting for the old me to return. waiting for normalcy." perhaps i'll never achieve "normalcy," but i'm hoping to find myself again.

i thank HP every day for this site (and Google for helping me find it haha). it's really opened my eyes to learning about and understanding myself. and i've slowly begun to forgive myself for what happened. i think that's what sets xabf and i apart - i'm learning and growing from this experience, and he's not. and that's his choice to make, not mine.

GiveLove

When I was younger, I was very light and funny and happy.
After a series of bad addictive relationships, I was negative, sarcastic, pessimistic, and hated men.
Now, a few years into recovery, I'm far more fun to be around than I was when I was young. I'm also smarter and more compassionate than that person was, so people like me more.

It's been a progression for me.

Cowgirl1265

I have two kids with serious mental health and behavioral disorders. One of our psychiatrists told me in order be able to appreciate what we were doing "right" as parents that we needed to redefine what "normal" meant for our family. He was right; for some parents, reinforcement of their worth as a parent means perfectly dressed, perfectly behaved, perfectly happy children. For me, that kind of normal is never going to be possible. My idea of a good morning is where we manage to get out of the house within at least 10 minutes past our target time, only one of two kids had a screaming tantrum and I remembered to feed all the animals and maybe only missed one kids' medication. That's my new nomral for my kids.

I think that the same applies for your sense of self after enduring a codependent relationship with an addict or someone with addict-type behavior issues. You are not the same. But that doesn't mean you are worse than you were or better than you were. We are human beings, we are constantly in a state of change. And that's perfectly ok. You might regain some of your old self - in fact, if that's your true personality, chances are you will. But I hope the lessons you learned from loving an addict never leave you.

bookwyrm

I used to be so confident and outgoing all those years ago. But I would never want to go back to being that person again. She's the one who ignored all the warning flags. Who gave 18 years of her life to be with an alcoholic.

I've changed, sure. I have no self esteem, no confidence and I'm really shy and feel socially awkward. But I'm still changing. I'm gaining a little more self respect. I've discovered that I'm stronger than I ever thought I was. I'm making new friends. I'm trying new things to see if I like them. And I'm still changing. I have no idea what kind of person I'm evolving into but I'm liking her a whole lot more than I used to! Its not easy - I have my bleak days. Anti depressants only keep so much at bay. I rely on my counsellor to help me think more clearly. And SR to keep me on track.

So, for me, life after an alcoholic is one full of possibilities and potential - even if it does seem a little scary sometimes!

Spiritual Seeker

YES !!!
Make up your mind to get healthy and live a life of joy.
Go to whatever lengths necessary...because life is not a dress rehearsal.

Find mentors and friends and therapists who are living the life and spend lots of time with them.
Work on your own recovery and see where it takes you.

My addict is my son, which is a diff. situation, but the sadness and depression came.
I made some like-minded friends in al-anon who were seeking the light and together we worked the program and the steps..It works if you work it.

We can get well no matter what the A does.
Don't wait for change...create it.
Go for it...you're worth it.

fluffyflea

Ha ahhaha yes absolutely, we get depressed, nervous, forget about having fun,forget we even deserve to have fun.

Ngaire

Learn2Live

For sure, my first relationship with a recovering crack addict changed me permanently. But in both good and bad ways.

The best part revolves around how mature I became as a result of the years I spent with that person and the years I spent trying to get away from that person. Getting away made me so free and forward-focused that I believe I had so much more motivation because of it and even accomplished MORE than I ever dreamed of or imagined. Not only that, I learned a lot about myself and other people in the process.

But the worst part is that I believe I was traumatized by the entire thing. I have been told by more than one mental health professional that I have post-traumatic stress disorder. I now believe it, finally, at age 41. I also have had such trouble in relationships since then. I don't recall ever being so fearful and self-conscious before the "event." It's hard to deal with, but I know it is forcing me to keep looking at myself and my own behavior to overcome this and better my life.

I don't think you ever go back. In fact, I don't ever WANT to go back. I guess that's part of aging. You fight the good fight and come out of it with scars that you are actually proud of. That helps you to keep going in the face of future adversity.

As for the happiness and joy, as you grow it will return. Of course it will never be the same type of happiness you had from the past, because you grow older every day. Every decade my type of happiness changes for the better.

But your unhappiness and joy may be your psyche telling you that what you are doing NOW (no matter what happened BEFORE) is not where you belong. As they say in the program, Live in the PRESENT moment. I personally continued to be unhappy, down and depressed for quite a while after the "event." I made a drastic change at that point and left EVERYTHING behind. I went to college. Over the course of the next 3 years I re-discovered myself. And then during the next one and a half, I discovered a NEW me.

It's been a long haul with both its ups and downs, but you reinvent yourself every day. You will get back to happiness, I promise you. Just keep your eyes focused on the future, and what you want for yourself each and every day.

Peace.

Thumper

Yes it has. I'm not a fun person, and I used to be. I do not experience much joy. I am so afraid of everything and feel like I can't make good decisions. This is not who I used to be.

MeHandle

Suffering is an opportunity that can produce growth. If you surrender to healing, your negative attitudes and behaviors will be healed too. You will come out the other end stronger and more insightful.... and lots more too.:-)

Still Waters

Yes, exactly.

ElegantlyWasted

Some intellectual gibberish that I think kind of makes sense....
YES! Reconcile past negative experiences emotionally and focus onas well as do things that make you happy. I think the process of working the12 steps does this for alot of people as well as CBT work. You may never be naive again but that could be replaced with constructive wisdom. I know I have alot od negative junk in my head that predisposes me to not be as happy nor as objective as I could in alot of situations. I think we have the ability to get better with time and by working onourselves.