New to soberrecovery. Can't stop crying. Please tell me I'm not alone.
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New to soberrecovery. Can't stop crying. Please tell me I'm not alone.
Hi everyone
I have only just discovered this site this evening. And thank goodness I have before I lose my mind. Please help me. Is this a typical situation with an abf? I was with my alcoholic boyfriend for three years. It was instant chemistry, even though we had nothing in common apart from humour. Six months into our relationship, and for the next year, we went through the mill together. He already was cut off by his ex, his family and his young children. Then, through drinking, he lost his job. He lost his home and spent a short time in a hostel. As he couldn't be bothered to even pay the minimal cost to stay there he was thrown out. He was street homeless for six months and only had me to turn to (though I didn't have my own place and my family wouldn't let him stay here). I would pay for hotels to keep him safe and warm and eventually I gave him the deposit for rent. We went out for meals and I took him away for his birthday. As much as is possible I know he (at least believed he) loved me and was in love with me. The split from his ex was nasty and she contacted the police saying he was harrassing her. He was arrested but didn't bother attending court, when he was eventually summoned there he refused to pay fines, attend probation, etc. It all caught up with him this year. The police were knocking on his door. Because I was scared the landlord would throw him out I told the police where to find him if not at home. Talk about anonymous tip offs - they told him as he was arrested that his girlfriend had talked to them! However he didn't really say anything about that until later. He went to jail for six weeks and in that time was totally sober. Wrote me nine love letters in six weeks. Told his family that his children and me were his future, the time inside had made him realise what a fool he'd been and there was no way he would go back to his former ways. Introduced me to his kids for the first time in April, as well as his dad, his nan, brother and brother's wife and child. This was despite his ex saying she wasn't sure. His argument was, 'I've been with her for three years - doesn't that tell you how serious I am about her?' I paid for him to attend the Allen Carr clinic. It worked for a while but he started drinking again. I booked him into the first free back up session at the end of May. He didn't go, switched his phone off all day. When I eventually got hold of him he said he didn't want to speak with me as he was disappointed in himself. Two days later he finished with me. Up until the day of the Allen Carr clinic everything was fine between us. Great sex life, closeness, a real laugh. Normally I can tell if something's wrong but not that time. I did see him one more time when I went to get a couple of bits from his. He said he didn't want to finish with me as he still loved me and was in love with me, he just needed time and space. He phoned me two or three times after up until mid-June and we were fine, though not back together. He phoned and said he'd like to see me again but could I lend him £5 because he had no money for food (he isn't a functioning alcoholic!) I did, foolishly. On the Friday he told me he was ill (I don't believe that - he'd been paid benefit that day, it was a Friday and it was sunny!) and he'd call me the next day to come across for a chat. Have never spoken to him since. He ignored my calls that day. His ex girlfriend before me (who he split acrimoniously with) text me to ask me to take pics of their kids down from fb (he obviously gave her my number) and his mum told me he'd said he'd finished with me. We were so close and shared everything together - I'm devastated it came to this - particularly after the letters he wrote me when sober). Is this alcohol? Or is it him? He's the type of guy i've seen him give hislast £5 to help a homeless person on more than one occasion, and he's so well loved by everyone around him as he's a good guy normally. Having told me he didn't want a child with me as he was too old to do it all again, he's now seeing a 20-something year old divorced mother of four and is looking after her kids, even taking them back to the house I helped him secure. I was still making up the shortfall on his rent so he didn't end up homeless again. I phoned his landlord on Friday to tell him I wouldn't pay it any more so now he's being thrown out. I know he'll probably move in with this woman but how long will a single mother of four be able to cope with a jobless drinker? I suppose if I'm honest I did that as it's a rebound and I thought if I throw them together it will be the quickest way for the relationship to fall flat on its face. He spends all his benefits within four days and has to go the rest of the fortnight without cash. Did I do the right thing? He has already been street homeless and in jail before and that wasn't enough to make him stop. If he comes back for help what can I do? Also, has he just used me for three years and now he'll use her?
I have only just discovered this site this evening. And thank goodness I have before I lose my mind. Please help me. Is this a typical situation with an abf? I was with my alcoholic boyfriend for three years. It was instant chemistry, even though we had nothing in common apart from humour. Six months into our relationship, and for the next year, we went through the mill together. He already was cut off by his ex, his family and his young children. Then, through drinking, he lost his job. He lost his home and spent a short time in a hostel. As he couldn't be bothered to even pay the minimal cost to stay there he was thrown out. He was street homeless for six months and only had me to turn to (though I didn't have my own place and my family wouldn't let him stay here). I would pay for hotels to keep him safe and warm and eventually I gave him the deposit for rent. We went out for meals and I took him away for his birthday. As much as is possible I know he (at least believed he) loved me and was in love with me. The split from his ex was nasty and she contacted the police saying he was harrassing her. He was arrested but didn't bother attending court, when he was eventually summoned there he refused to pay fines, attend probation, etc. It all caught up with him this year. The police were knocking on his door. Because I was scared the landlord would throw him out I told the police where to find him if not at home. Talk about anonymous tip offs - they told him as he was arrested that his girlfriend had talked to them! However he didn't really say anything about that until later. He went to jail for six weeks and in that time was totally sober. Wrote me nine love letters in six weeks. Told his family that his children and me were his future, the time inside had made him realise what a fool he'd been and there was no way he would go back to his former ways. Introduced me to his kids for the first time in April, as well as his dad, his nan, brother and brother's wife and child. This was despite his ex saying she wasn't sure. His argument was, 'I've been with her for three years - doesn't that tell you how serious I am about her?' I paid for him to attend the Allen Carr clinic. It worked for a while but he started drinking again. I booked him into the first free back up session at the end of May. He didn't go, switched his phone off all day. When I eventually got hold of him he said he didn't want to speak with me as he was disappointed in himself. Two days later he finished with me. Up until the day of the Allen Carr clinic everything was fine between us. Great sex life, closeness, a real laugh. Normally I can tell if something's wrong but not that time. I did see him one more time when I went to get a couple of bits from his. He said he didn't want to finish with me as he still loved me and was in love with me, he just needed time and space. He phoned me two or three times after up until mid-June and we were fine, though not back together. He phoned and said he'd like to see me again but could I lend him £5 because he had no money for food (he isn't a functioning alcoholic!) I did, foolishly. On the Friday he told me he was ill (I don't believe that - he'd been paid benefit that day, it was a Friday and it was sunny!) and he'd call me the next day to come across for a chat. Have never spoken to him since. He ignored my calls that day. His ex girlfriend before me (who he split acrimoniously with) text me to ask me to take pics of their kids down from fb (he obviously gave her my number) and his mum told me he'd said he'd finished with me. We were so close and shared everything together - I'm devastated it came to this - particularly after the letters he wrote me when sober). Is this alcohol? Or is it him? He's the type of guy i've seen him give hislast £5 to help a homeless person on more than one occasion, and he's so well loved by everyone around him as he's a good guy normally. Having told me he didn't want a child with me as he was too old to do it all again, he's now seeing a 20-something year old divorced mother of four and is looking after her kids, even taking them back to the house I helped him secure. I was still making up the shortfall on his rent so he didn't end up homeless again. I phoned his landlord on Friday to tell him I wouldn't pay it any more so now he's being thrown out. I know he'll probably move in with this woman but how long will a single mother of four be able to cope with a jobless drinker? I suppose if I'm honest I did that as it's a rebound and I thought if I throw them together it will be the quickest way for the relationship to fall flat on its face. He spends all his benefits within four days and has to go the rest of the fortnight without cash. Did I do the right thing? He has already been street homeless and in jail before and that wasn't enough to make him stop. If he comes back for help what can I do? Also, has he just used me for three years and now he'll use her?
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First of all, welcome to SR!
No, you are not alone, my dear. I would highly recommend you read the stickies at the top of this forum, and see if you can't get your hands on a copy of the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It was a real eye opener for me.
My second husband went to prison for a year on a parole violation, and the letters he wrote me gave me so much hope. I even married him as soon as he got out in spite of all the red flags that had gone up. I spent 5 years of hell with that man.
You didn't cause this man's alcoholism, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
You have been profoundly affected by his alcoholism.
Alcoholics need enablers in order to continue their alcoholism, and it sounds like he had run his course with you.
I hope you educate yourself more on alcoholism, continue to post here, and know that you are among friends. :ghug2 :ghug2
No, you are not alone, my dear. I would highly recommend you read the stickies at the top of this forum, and see if you can't get your hands on a copy of the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It was a real eye opener for me.
My second husband went to prison for a year on a parole violation, and the letters he wrote me gave me so much hope. I even married him as soon as he got out in spite of all the red flags that had gone up. I spent 5 years of hell with that man.
You didn't cause this man's alcoholism, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
You have been profoundly affected by his alcoholism.
Alcoholics need enablers in order to continue their alcoholism, and it sounds like he had run his course with you.
I hope you educate yourself more on alcoholism, continue to post here, and know that you are among friends. :ghug2 :ghug2
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
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Wow. You've been on a real rollercoaster ride with this guy. Welcome to the forum but I'm so sorry you had to find us. Have a look round and read the stickies at the top of the forum. There is so much information there - it is really eye opening. You'll read stories that you think you could have written - I know I did.
More members will be along to share their ESH (experience strength & hope) soon - the forum is a bit quiet at the weekend.
Know that you are not alone though! :ghug2
More members will be along to share their ESH (experience strength & hope) soon - the forum is a bit quiet at the weekend.
Know that you are not alone though! :ghug2
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Thank you Freedom 1990. I guess this new woman is his next victim. Though with four young children I can't see her lasting very long. He'll probably come back to me then. I'm trying to use this time to build up my strength to keep the no contact going if and when that time comes. I'm finding it hard enough now and really it was him who cut contact with me. So I'm just trying to build up the strength of character to continue ignoring him if and when he wants to come back. Thank you. Already just by posting my story I feel a weight off my shoulders 
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Many thanks Bookwyrm. I felt really alone during our relationship when things went wrong. I come from a good family. To be fair so does he. But mine just wouldn't understand why I'd associate with an abf and jailbird. But I was blinded by his character. Thanks again. I'm so glad I have found people I can relate to at last XXX
Do you have any Al-anon meetings near you? Those would be very helpful.
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Hi thanks for your reply still waters. I'm not sure but it is something I will look into. To be honest I coped all throughout our relationship but probably because he'd always said he'd give up one day. Then when he agreed to the Allen Carr clinic I was delighted. Specially as it was so soon after jail I thought it was almost guaranteed he'd succeed. But no. I just can't understand how he'd say he wasn't in a position to have any more children (one with me) then he takes on a woman with four young ones. Maybe she's a rebound and he thought she'd be a safe bet because she wouldn't want any more children. The hardest part for me is phoning his landlord knowing he'll be thrown out at the end of August. Whether or not he ends up moving in with her or into a hostel, it'll be like he's exactly where he was three years ago and all the jail, the Allen Carr clinic, etc, just may well have never happened
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Read through some of the threads on here. I have only just found this site too and it is amazing how similar some of the stories are.
It sounds as if you have been through hell with this guy and stood by him every step of the way. I know that one alright. My XABF also jumped pretty much straight into a new relationship which really hurt. I would find myself getting jealous and my counsellor said to me 'You want him back so you can sit there half the time worrying where is, not being able to relax in your own home,not to be able to trust him to pop to the shop for a loaf of bread or when he is there and he pee's the bed?' It certainly gave me a bit more perspective when he put it like that lol. I think you were right when you described this woman as his next victim. The key now is to stop yourself being a victim anymore. You deserve more than this selfish destructive man.
It sounds as if you have been through hell with this guy and stood by him every step of the way. I know that one alright. My XABF also jumped pretty much straight into a new relationship which really hurt. I would find myself getting jealous and my counsellor said to me 'You want him back so you can sit there half the time worrying where is, not being able to relax in your own home,not to be able to trust him to pop to the shop for a loaf of bread or when he is there and he pee's the bed?' It certainly gave me a bit more perspective when he put it like that lol. I think you were right when you described this woman as his next victim. The key now is to stop yourself being a victim anymore. You deserve more than this selfish destructive man.
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Thank you Boogs. The thing is she won't even know yet he's an alcoholic. His life is in one pub. I don't mean this to big myself up or anything but I come from a well educated background and have a good career, am very well spoken and drive a nice car etc. (I guess it doesn't matter how good your education is - there are some things you'll never learn!!) and all his friends in the pub kept saying, 'How did you get a classy girl like her?' He loved showing me off to them. Then he's got with this girl who is a 27-year-old divorcee single mum of four. She knew me and went after him while we were still together. Maybe his self esteem needed picking up but I treated him like a prince. I was never a bitch to him or anything. Everyone in the pub knew I idolised him. But I was blind at the beginning of the relationship and didn't know how bad the drinking was. But this woman should know as all three of us have mutual friends who all know he went to jail largely due to his irresponsibility through drink. He's on the rebound, he can't look after his own kids, he's jobless and a drinker. At least I didn't have children to be subjected to that. I can't understand why she'd want him. Oh well I guess she'll learn in time. She may still be in that phase where she doesn't believe our friends who say he's an alcoholic. She'll soon learn when the landlord chucks him out next month. Just wish I hadn't fallen for him. He's one of these drinkers who can really carry it and you don't even realise he's a drinker. Unless he hasn't had enough. If he has six lagers inside him he acts 'normal'. Anything less than that he has the shakes. Thanks again. I guess the more I post, and respond to posts, the easier it will become over time xxx
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gee, it sounds like your going out with my boyfriend!
i do understand falling for the charm. they can be very charming after the first few drinks. it's very different, tho, living with them.
i'll give you the advice i was given: Run! Run away quickly! now!
it is common for them to move from one enabler to the next. i'm sorry you're going through this.
can you go no contact? change your phone number?
you are probably correct that he will be calling you when the new woman gets wise to his antics. it might be best to take some steps to prevent his reaching you and sucking you back in.
naive
i do understand falling for the charm. they can be very charming after the first few drinks. it's very different, tho, living with them.
i'll give you the advice i was given: Run! Run away quickly! now!
it is common for them to move from one enabler to the next. i'm sorry you're going through this.
can you go no contact? change your phone number?
you are probably correct that he will be calling you when the new woman gets wise to his antics. it might be best to take some steps to prevent his reaching you and sucking you back in.
naive
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hi sclarke nice to meet you!!
here i have learned alcoholics do not have relationships as we know them. they take hostages. they need someone to cover up, someone to support their drinking. that is why more often than not they go from one "relationship" to another without even blinking. its all about alcohol, really. whoever is OK with the way ts they drink, will be in their life. anyone else is an obstacle. that is the harsh reality. remember he is not doing this TO YOU, he is just doing it. that is what active alcoholics do. drink, use people in order to drink more. it is not a surprise. it is their expected behavior.
for people that want more from life than saving an alcoholic from himself, the only thing we can do is stop being there, go no contact, and start building our lives free of addiction. alcoholics are too in the hands of god/HP. what he does now does not matter. i clang for months to my ex abf new life, with a new girlfriend, well, no surprise. she is his soul mate. she drinks more than he does. no easy feat. she has not seen the downside of those "fun outings". or she has seen them and thinks she deserves that life. or she is the one now lying, abusing, whatever. i mean, we do not know what our ex's are thinking, and most certainly are not responsible for any easy prey out there.
if they are still drinking they will treat anyone the same they treated you and most probably much worse. honestly she deserves compassion. and your ex too. seems he is a really troubled man.
remember thast god/hp gave you YOUR life to live... when you start paying attention to YOU, your needs, your friends.. life will become so much better.. we are here for you
here i have learned alcoholics do not have relationships as we know them. they take hostages. they need someone to cover up, someone to support their drinking. that is why more often than not they go from one "relationship" to another without even blinking. its all about alcohol, really. whoever is OK with the way ts they drink, will be in their life. anyone else is an obstacle. that is the harsh reality. remember he is not doing this TO YOU, he is just doing it. that is what active alcoholics do. drink, use people in order to drink more. it is not a surprise. it is their expected behavior.
for people that want more from life than saving an alcoholic from himself, the only thing we can do is stop being there, go no contact, and start building our lives free of addiction. alcoholics are too in the hands of god/HP. what he does now does not matter. i clang for months to my ex abf new life, with a new girlfriend, well, no surprise. she is his soul mate. she drinks more than he does. no easy feat. she has not seen the downside of those "fun outings". or she has seen them and thinks she deserves that life. or she is the one now lying, abusing, whatever. i mean, we do not know what our ex's are thinking, and most certainly are not responsible for any easy prey out there.
if they are still drinking they will treat anyone the same they treated you and most probably much worse. honestly she deserves compassion. and your ex too. seems he is a really troubled man.
remember thast god/hp gave you YOUR life to live... when you start paying attention to YOU, your needs, your friends.. life will become so much better.. we are here for you
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Hello Naive (I'm sure that name no longer applies!!!)
Many thanks for your reply. It has been two months since he finished with me and because I have no answers to his sudden decision it has haunted me since. It consumes my every thoughts and over the last week or so I've even been dreaming about the two of them!) The only thing I can say positive is I have continued as best as I can to look after my physical health. Still eat healthily and still go to the gym. With the mental issues I'm suffering and the lack of sleep I decided to do what I could to not completely fall to pot.
Re living with them - I have never lived with him. In fact we lived 30 miles apart so there is no remote chance of us bumping into each other. I suppose part of the reason I pulled the plug on paying his rent was so he would either be forced to take action before he ended up homeless, or he'll move in with this young mum of four, and that will all end abruptly too. He has two gorgeous children aged 12 and eight. Absolutely beautiful. His ex wouldn't let me meet them for ages because she quite rightly didn't want them to be introduced to a succession of girlfriends. I was his first since her and then he dumped me three years into the relationship and two months after.
In all honesty I'm hoping he falls flat again soon. He has already lost his family once, his children once, been to jail, not worked in three years. This is a man who once was the sole wage earner in his household and supported his ex and two young children. I'm just hoping this is the final straw and at last he will give up drinking. So I do think it will be fairly easy to continue the no contact - perhaps after a text saying don't bother me until you're sober. I have found this strength just tonight through this website. Realising I'm not the first person to have ever lived through this and won't be the last!!!
Thanks for your reply. My family wouldn't be very understanding about this and my friends don't know he's an alcoholic (he drinks every single day but you can't tell he's been drinking as much as he has) so I feel like I've tonight discovered a new level of friendship.
Sorry to rabbit on. This is two months of grief pouring out of me !!!
Many thanks for your reply. It has been two months since he finished with me and because I have no answers to his sudden decision it has haunted me since. It consumes my every thoughts and over the last week or so I've even been dreaming about the two of them!) The only thing I can say positive is I have continued as best as I can to look after my physical health. Still eat healthily and still go to the gym. With the mental issues I'm suffering and the lack of sleep I decided to do what I could to not completely fall to pot.
Re living with them - I have never lived with him. In fact we lived 30 miles apart so there is no remote chance of us bumping into each other. I suppose part of the reason I pulled the plug on paying his rent was so he would either be forced to take action before he ended up homeless, or he'll move in with this young mum of four, and that will all end abruptly too. He has two gorgeous children aged 12 and eight. Absolutely beautiful. His ex wouldn't let me meet them for ages because she quite rightly didn't want them to be introduced to a succession of girlfriends. I was his first since her and then he dumped me three years into the relationship and two months after.
In all honesty I'm hoping he falls flat again soon. He has already lost his family once, his children once, been to jail, not worked in three years. This is a man who once was the sole wage earner in his household and supported his ex and two young children. I'm just hoping this is the final straw and at last he will give up drinking. So I do think it will be fairly easy to continue the no contact - perhaps after a text saying don't bother me until you're sober. I have found this strength just tonight through this website. Realising I'm not the first person to have ever lived through this and won't be the last!!!
Thanks for your reply. My family wouldn't be very understanding about this and my friends don't know he's an alcoholic (he drinks every single day but you can't tell he's been drinking as much as he has) so I feel like I've tonight discovered a new level of friendship.
Sorry to rabbit on. This is two months of grief pouring out of me !!!
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Thank you Taking Charge. I just wish I'd found this website two months ago. Or rather three years ago! I think I should have gone for counselling long before now. It's just I saw such a difference in him when I visited him in jail, and read his letters. It's hard to believe that out of our three years together I only got to see the real side of him in a six week window. Sometimes I do want to contact him but I remember he went from one who seemingly loved me and cherished me, constantly made me feel special, to one who dumped me for someone else. The man that I knew no longer seems to be there. You are right when you say he is a troubled man. The girl he is with now apparently made him see we were never going to work. Well that's probably true, but only because of his drinking. But she won't have seen that side to him. She'll be starting to see it now and wondering what she's let herself in for. Don't get me wrong he's not violent or abusive. But everything is about drink and he doesn't want to work. Not exactly an example to set four young children. Thanks again for your input. With every post I give and receive I feel stronger and stronger. XXX
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Just had a thought about what you said Taking C harge. You said about your ex finding a soulmate that drank more than him. Well this woman (She's probably only in her late 20s). She and her sister go in the pub. Her sister takes her own daughter in. This woman's kids do not go in the pub. To be honest I didn't even know she had any until he told me. I've never seen them to this day. But why wouldn't a single mother take her children in the pub? A) She doesn't have the spare cash, or B) Because she doesn't want them exposed to the drinking culture. Any other reasons you can think of? The dad is somewhere about cos he sees them at weekends. I'd be intrigued to know what he'd think about it all. Is there another reason I haven't thought of?
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Originally Posted by sclarke64448 
The girl he is with now apparently made him see we were never going to work. Well that's probably true, but only because of his drinking.
My AXBF lost everything once before and I thought he had learnt from it. He used to be the sole wage earner in a house that he owned with his wife and 3 kids. He got into drugs and it all fell apart. After a few years spent in and out of prisons, the streets and various hostels he went into rehab to be treated to heroin addiction. When I met him he had been clean for a couple of years and was volunteering, living in a bedsit. I really admired how he had pulled his life together and learnt from his mistakes. He was also going through the courts to get access to his kids. Whilst with me he was living in a nice place, got a nice car, full time work etc. He is also having supervised access to his kids for the first time in years. I could hardly believe when he started to destruct and drink so much. I remember reading a report from the courts that detailed his past and it was really clear that alcohol was always his problem. His ex wife went through the same **** that I did on a much bigger scale. I said to him that losing everything a 2nd time would hit him much worse. He said whatever happens he always comes up smelling of roses. Yes he does because he surrounds himself with enablers and when one stands up to him and says no more like I did he moves onto the next one.
Please protect yourself sclarke, don't give him and his chaotic life any more headspace. I know this is easier said than done. You will drive yourself crazy thinking about him and his new woman and what he is doing in his life now. Believe me, been there, done that, got the t-shirt, many times over.
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Thank you Boogs. I know you're right. I've not been out since we broke up. Just been spending my time with friends as I thought if I rebounded (not my style really) I'd just probably end up back at square one. It's so hard seeing someone you love totally destroy themselves. That's why I signed him up for Allen Carr - with his blessing. He'd already read the book I bought him while in jail and that seemed to really sink in. I read it before he did so I know for a fact he read it. I do believe he genuinely wants to give up. I guess like you say it is up to him. He is 35 years old so big enough to take care of himself. Thanks again. It's good to know someone cares 
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Originally Posted by sclarke64448
Hi thanks for your reply still waters. I'm not sure but it is something I will look into. To be honest I coped all throughout our relationship but probably because he'd always said he'd give up one day. Then when he agreed to the Allen Carr clinic I was delighted. Specially as it was so soon after jail I thought it was almost guaranteed he'd succeed. But no. I just can't understand how he'd say he wasn't in a position to have any more children (one with me) then he takes on a woman with four young ones. Maybe she's a rebound and he thought she'd be a safe bet because she wouldn't want any more children. The hardest part for me is phoning his landlord knowing he'll be thrown out at the end of August. Whether or not he ends up moving in with her or into a hostel, it'll be like he's exactly where he was three years ago and all the jail, the Allen Carr clinic, etc, just may well have never happened
What is that saying? "When is an addict lying? When their lips are moving."
The operate on pure manipulation..you, or someone else.
Take what he said completely out of the equation, you can only make decisions based on his actions.
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Originally Posted by sclarke64448
It's hard to believe that out of our three years together I only got to see the real side of him in a six week window.
Please be aware that this is untrue.
You saw the REAL side of him for three years. The MOST artificial side of him was while he was incarcerated and forceably removed from his alcohol while in jail. You see it didn't last long once the forced circumstances were removed. Reality is what IS, not what SHOULD BE, if only...
Thinking he's a gem underneath it all is part of the magical thinking of the co-dependent, and it's a powerful hook that keeps the co-dependent hooked on the alcoholic, ever waiting for that miracle that will release "the real person underneath the alcoholic."
The painful truth is that in the vast majority of cases, the alcoholic IS who they've become, and they never get sober.
We can't know an individual alcoholic's ultimate fate (many do get sober and become wonderful people in recovery, but it is a small minority numbers-wise of all alcoholics). But we can recognize magical thinking in ourselves and stop being held hostage by this magical thinking, and get on with our lives in reality.
Few things are as emotionally painful as ripping oneself from one's magical thinking and fantasies of how our life should have turned out. It is the journey of us codies to do this work and re-build ourselves as mentally and emotionally healthy individuals with a strong inner core and voice.
Hugs to you, we know your pain.
CLMI
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 39
Originally Posted by sclarke64448
Thank you Boogs. I know you're right. I've not been out since we broke up. Just been spending my time with friends as I thought if I rebounded (not my style really) I'd just probably end up back at square one. It's so hard seeing someone you love totally destroy themselves. That's why I signed him up for Allen Carr - with his blessing. He'd already read the book I bought him while in jail and that seemed to really sink in. I read it before he did so I know for a fact he read it. I do believe he genuinely wants to give up. I guess like you say it is up to him. He is 35 years old so big enough to take care of himself. Thanks again. It's good to know someone cares
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
This information is from one of my favorite stickies at the top. It is under "About Recovery" and then click onto "Hooks that keep you in boundary-less relationships". This part is about the difference between love and sympathy, and also a lesson in helplessness. Addicts are great performers of helplessness!
"4. Inability to Differentiate Love from Sympathy
Maybe you are hooked by the inability to differentiate the difference between love and sympathy or compassion for your relationship partners. You find yourself feeling sorry for your relationship partners and the warm feelings which this generates makes you think that you are in love with them. The bigger the problems your relationship partners have, the bigger the "love" seems to you. Because the problems can get bigger and more complex, they succeed in hooking you to lower your boundaries so that you begin to give more and more of yourself to your "pitiable" relationship partners out of the "love" you feel. The rational message needed to establish healthy boundaries from this hook is: "It is OK to have sympathy and compassion for my relationship partners, but that does not mean that I have to sacrifice my life to "save" or "rescue" my partners. Sympathy and compassion are emotions I know well and I will work hard to differentiate them from what love is. When I feel sympathy and compassion for my relationship partners, I will remind myself that it is not the same as loving them. The ability to feel sympathy and compassion for another human being is a nice quality of mine and I will be sure to use it in a healthy and non-emotionally hooked way in the future in my relationships."
5. Helplessness and Neediness of Relationship Partners
Maybe you get hooked by the neediness and helplessness of your relationship partners. You find yourself hooked when your partners get into self-pity, "poor me" and "how tough life has been." You find yourself weak when your relationship partners demonstrates an inability to solve personal problems. You find yourself wanting to teach and instruct, when your relationship partners demonstrate or admit ignorance of how to solve problems. You find yourself hooked by verbal and non-verbal cues which cry out to you to "help" your relationship partners even though your partners have the competence to solve the problem on their own. You find yourself feeling warmth, caring and nurturing feelings which help you tear down any shred of boundaries you once had. These sad, weak, distraught, lost, confused and befuddled waifs are so needy that you lose all concept of space and time as you begin to give and give and give. It feels so good. The rational message needed to establish healthy boundaries from this hook is: "No one is helpless without first learning the advantages of being helpless. Helplessness is a learned behavior which is used to manipulate me to give of my resources, energy, time, effort and money to fix. I am a good person if I do not try to fix and take care of my relationship partners when my partners are acting helpless. I cannot establish healthy intimate relationships with my relationship partners if I am trying to fix or take care of them all of the time. I need to put more energy into fixing and taking care of myself if I find myself being hooked by my relationship partners' helplessness."
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"4. Inability to Differentiate Love from Sympathy
Maybe you are hooked by the inability to differentiate the difference between love and sympathy or compassion for your relationship partners. You find yourself feeling sorry for your relationship partners and the warm feelings which this generates makes you think that you are in love with them. The bigger the problems your relationship partners have, the bigger the "love" seems to you. Because the problems can get bigger and more complex, they succeed in hooking you to lower your boundaries so that you begin to give more and more of yourself to your "pitiable" relationship partners out of the "love" you feel. The rational message needed to establish healthy boundaries from this hook is: "It is OK to have sympathy and compassion for my relationship partners, but that does not mean that I have to sacrifice my life to "save" or "rescue" my partners. Sympathy and compassion are emotions I know well and I will work hard to differentiate them from what love is. When I feel sympathy and compassion for my relationship partners, I will remind myself that it is not the same as loving them. The ability to feel sympathy and compassion for another human being is a nice quality of mine and I will be sure to use it in a healthy and non-emotionally hooked way in the future in my relationships."
5. Helplessness and Neediness of Relationship Partners
Maybe you get hooked by the neediness and helplessness of your relationship partners. You find yourself hooked when your partners get into self-pity, "poor me" and "how tough life has been." You find yourself weak when your relationship partners demonstrates an inability to solve personal problems. You find yourself wanting to teach and instruct, when your relationship partners demonstrate or admit ignorance of how to solve problems. You find yourself hooked by verbal and non-verbal cues which cry out to you to "help" your relationship partners even though your partners have the competence to solve the problem on their own. You find yourself feeling warmth, caring and nurturing feelings which help you tear down any shred of boundaries you once had. These sad, weak, distraught, lost, confused and befuddled waifs are so needy that you lose all concept of space and time as you begin to give and give and give. It feels so good. The rational message needed to establish healthy boundaries from this hook is: "No one is helpless without first learning the advantages of being helpless. Helplessness is a learned behavior which is used to manipulate me to give of my resources, energy, time, effort and money to fix. I am a good person if I do not try to fix and take care of my relationship partners when my partners are acting helpless. I cannot establish healthy intimate relationships with my relationship partners if I am trying to fix or take care of them all of the time. I need to put more energy into fixing and taking care of myself if I find myself being hooked by my relationship partners' helplessness."
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