MissFixit

Hi there,

I am sorry to hear about your pain. Its no fun.

My exabf and I broke up last fall and I still am not ready to date. I am not a rebound girl. I have been asked out by a few nice guys, but emotionally I am not open right now.

Please do what you can to feel better and be healthy. I love walking, hiking, good food, bubble baths, movies, reading, nature, animals and reconnecting with old friends (I neglected many relationships when I was caught up with the ex). Sounds silly, but reading the paper everyday helps me to feel connected to the world and see the bigger picture around us. This helps me to put into perspective that the world does not revolve around me and my problems. Life goes on and there are so many more people worse off than we are. We are lucky in many ways, although it might now seem like it now.

I am motivating to participate in the world again after months of depression and struggle.

We all move at our own paces.

Keep us posted.

Miss

SugarLily

Do you want him to?

This very forum saved me over a year ago. You can read about how confused I was about my ex if you go through my profile.

From your posts I gather that this man relied on you heavily, you supported him throughout - it's nice to feel needed isn't it? yet now he's gone, he's moved forward, another relationship its been two months and it still hurts you. Of course it does, however; could you be open to the possibility of a cloud with a silver lining? Read back over your posts and pretend to be reading what a friend had written - what would be your advice then?


What is normally? When he isn't drinking? I used to say this about my ex, I'd say he was wonderful sober yet the devil when drunk. In reality there was never two of him, he didn't have a split personality - he is what he is. I think I used to use the term "normally" to excuse his drunken behaviour.

Completely and utterly agree, it is painful. I felt the exact same way however somewhere along the line discovered that I can't do anything to change his actions. He has the right to lead his life the way he sees fit - even if I didn't agree.

Thats me and me again.

I could go on and on and on but if you are like me you are pobably grieving, you are grieving the end of a relationship, that is a very real and valid emotion to feel. However I will say that the pain eases - it does. You will one day realise that you have spent too long worrying about another persons well being obsessively rather than looking after you. Worrying about all the things they are doing wrong, and what they should be doing instead, which people they should be socialising with and which they shouldn't

Hun - you can't control any of that. You have your life to live, think about you. You are admirable in the ways that you helped your ex however that time has come to an end. See it as the end of a chapter in a book - not the end of the world. Think about yourself - YOU - what do YOU want from your life.

I hope you heal soon.

Much love x

steve11694

sorry u r going through this. the guy is ill. his thinking and reason for living r corrupted. u better thank God u didn't have a child with this guy.

his reason for living is alcohol and he will do anything to keep drinking. set your loneliness and feelings love love aside. really, he is akin to a vampire seeking blood; will do anything/say anything/lie, manipulate to anyone to get what he lives for.

it is hard 2 let go but you are not more powerful than booze. if love, kindness, and good deeds could fix alcoholics, this forum would not exist.

sleep tight tonight and wipe the tears from your eyes, wipe your bloodshot eyes, because we all care about u and we all love u, and we have all been/going through what u r going through.

big kiss and hug

tjp613

[QUOTE] Truer words were never spoken!!!

sclarke64448

First of all I'd like to thank everyone who has taken the time to write to me. It's amazing how I got through 32 years of life without knowing the guy existed and her I am - just three years into it - and it seemed like the end of the world. First of all, to Freedom 1990, I have bought the book today. I am going to start reading it tonight as I hope it will give me the strength I will need should he contact me again. Thanks again everyone - I really feel like I'm among friends. Steve you made me cry, as did you Catlovermi!!! Miss Fixit it sounds like you and me are very similar. I'm just trying to keep myself busy but I'm no rebound girl either. I have just been hurt deeply - the last thing I want to do is inflict hurt and pain on another unsuspecting soul. And Sugarlily I know you're right and speak perfect sense. It's amazing how you can have your everyday friends - some of whom I've known for 30 years - but going out with an alcoholic can make you feel the loneliest person in the world as unless you fall into the trap you don't realise how charming they can be - and how they make you feel like a princess. Right, now to my book. Thanks again and I hope we can all help each other through this XXX

sclarke64448

Naive can I ask? Did you live with yours then? And how long for? He and I had talked lots about moving in but I refused to do it until he worked. Last christmas he said we would definitely be living together by this Christmas. I now know it would never have worked. Don't get me wrong I went and stayed at his at every possible chance including every week off work but there's a difference between that and full time, day in, day out. How long did it last with you?

Boogs

I got my book today too. Reading through the codependent characteristics had me in tears. It had me rethinking all my former ideas about codependency and almost made me feel normal Let me know how you get on with it. Maybe we can compare notes This is the start of our recovery, let the XABF's deal with their own stuff while we deal with ours.

TakingCharge999

oh sclarke, I lived in with an ex bf. It was what I needed to realize the extent of his problem. He drank almost every day. When his roomie wanted to sleep because it was late and it was weekday he got angry and criticized him. There was not much to it. Arriving home and being totally ignored. Be treated like a lesser person because its more difficult for you to get out... watching him desire other women... put up with the snoring... with the progression of an alcohlic in a single night... (i recalled once i was sleeping, he was drinking and it was 9.10,11,12,1,2,3,4 and the party continued.. he stumbled to my bed drunk and more drunk.. and when I complained he could not understand why I was angry "you were ok before" was what he did say...)


you saved yourself from much heartache...


how are you feeling?

sclarke64448

Thank you 999 and Boogs for your latest posts. I am feeling stronger day by day. Today I spoke with someone I used to go to school with. Well actually this girl is about five years younger than me but her sister and I were in the same class and I am friends today with all three sisters. The girl, Gemma, was with an alcoholic boyfriend / husband for a total of seven years and has two young children with him. She has just had her divorce finalised. It's weird how it's not really Gemma I'm close to, it's Elena her older sister, who's really my friend. But because I feel so ashamed of the predicament I got myself into with Lee I haven't told Elena, but rather turned to Gemma. And, like so many posts you read on here, I wonder whether we're all talking about the same guy!! Boogs - I am on a week's holiday next week. The book is coming with me and I am planning to read it over a few days (before getting back to my novels!) Keep me posted and I'll keep you posted. 9999 - I feel like I'm getting stronger by the hour. And I thank you for sharing your live-in experience with me. I now know I have had a lucky escape. I was with a male friend today who I trust dearly. He had met Lee a few times. I told him everything that had happened and he made me see (from a man's point of view) that Lee left very many doors open to try to walk back in my life. IE - the fact he can pick the phone up any time to me on the pretence he wants to pay me some of the money he owes me (Lee said I'd get every penny back on the day he broke up with me - not one penny to date!) Also he broke up with me and then took it back, asking for time and space instead - that's how he's left it between us - it's his parents who told me he said it was over. On the day we broke up I offered him his key back. He said I should keep it. That door was left open (although I later returned the key in his absence which apparently angered him immensely according to his housemate) and also he's told his housemate (who is a friend of mine) that this girl is a 'mate'. Why would he say that? A) Because it's true and they're not together or B) Because he knows Marie will come back to me saying he has a new girlfriend, so I'll shut the door on our relationship. The Lee I know will try to worm his way back in. We'll see. But thanks again everyone. I'm sure by the time he rings I'll be in a much stronger position to cut all the ties XXXX

isurvived

Just read your story. Sorry you had to get tangled up with this guy.

I think you'll find many similar stories here, we all have a commonality, in one form or another that surrounds alcoholism.

If I feel a need to rescue, I head for our nearest humane society and take in a dog or cat! Sure a lot simpler—and rewarding!

naive

hi sclarke-

i lasted 8 months living with mine and i moved in after 3 years together. once i moved in, it was rather difficult for him to lie about the amount of his drinking, as i saw him when he came in.

soon, i was busy trying to keep the roof over our head (as i discovered he had thousands due in rent aurrears), doing all the housework, paying all of the utilities, cooking meals he couldn't eat, etc..

soon, i understood that if one drank all evening, they required a drink first thing in the morning. i also understood the alcoholic depression, the laying around all afternoon, the poor me, the peeing the bed, the restlessness all night long, the tiptoeing in the day so that he could sleep, the firehazard of a drunk dropping cigarettes into the bed or cooking at 3am drunk...

i would recommend that if someone is an active A, that you don't move in with them!

TakingCharge999

Hi sclarke!!!! glad you are feeling better... remember mourning comes in waves... its just a passing show... whatever you are feeling, its appropiate, its ok. if you want to cry just do it. crying cleanses toxins from our bodies... its good to let the sadness go. There is stuff that hurts us at the very core. I felt for months I had invited a madman to my heart and he was there, wreaking havoc with a razor. One day this will all be the past. It will be far far away. If you do your work, you will never ever ever suffer this way. I like to think he hurt me - to a certain point. There is no more hurt. He can't hurt ME anymore. I am safe now.

Thanks to ME no one is yelling me this wonderful night. There is silence. Silence and promise. Thanks to ME I wake up to a guy that holds me and if we wake up during the night, he takes my hand. Thanks to ME I live in a very nice place and decorate it and make it MINE. There are many things we have done right, we should rehash them more often!

sclarke64448

Dear Naive, Trying to Survive and Taking Charge.

Many thanks for your posts. Every one I read helps me regain my strength. Little by little and slowly but surely.

Today is my 35th birthday. Had we not have broken up I would have spent it with Lee. As we have, and as I'm not going out, I'd not really made many plans. But today everyone I work with, and who knows what I've been going through, made such an effort, they made me feel so special. Cards, gifts, even giving up their own lunch hours so I could go out for my birthday. I went out with friends. Sure we spoke about Lee but my friends' words of encouragement helped me see I am in the midst of a lucky escape. Tonight I logged on to my facebook account to see about 16 messages on my wall. One from my friend Kim who said, 'Hope your birthday is as special as you are'. Tonight, although I can't face going out properly, I'm going round to a friend's house who insisted she did not want me moping alone.

I really did believe there was no life after Lee. I loved him dearly and still do and know I am nowhere near ready to love like I loved before. But the support of my friends has helped me remember I am worth something, I am worth more than sitting in wondering about whether my xabf is sitting there thinking of me today of all days, I am worth more than sitting by the phone waiting for the call that will never come. In all honesty today has been a real turning point.

To any new SR members, hang on in there. I have only been a member for three days and although still a long way off I really feel I have 10 times the strength I had on Sunday.

Naive I know you answered as a response to my question. Please, everyone, keep sharing your experiences. It really helps me realise I am not alone and is slowly but surely helping me piece my life back together. I hope I am helping someone out there as much as you are all helping me. Love to you all and keep the posts coming

bookwyrm

Hey, 9

Hope you had a good day!


I will never love another person like I loved my STBXAH. I will never put someone else's needs before my own like that again. I will never allow someone to prioritise alcohol before me and still love them. I won't trust anyone as implicitly as I trusted my STBXAH - who had, at the least, an emotion affair behind my back. I will never again love someone so much that I trust them more than I trust myself. And that, my friend, is a good thing!

Boogs

Absolutely bookwyrm, excellent post.

Happy birthday sclarke, glad you have had a nice day. I recently had my birthday and it was a huge relief not to be with him and to be worrying about how much he would drink. My birthday last year he insisted that he wanted to spend with me. I was resistant but as he was still making his promises at this point I relented. Of course I ended up sat on my own while I got ******** text messages with excuses as to why he was delayed. That was a big turning point for me and this years birthday I was so happy to not have his ********. It is the start of a new year for us both and a fresh start. I lived with mine for 2 years, I knew he had an issue with drink but I didn't realise to what extent. I naively thought that if we had a nice home etc that he would settle down. He did - for 3 months. The rest of the time living with him was utter hell, not being able to relax in my own home, not knowing where he was, worrying constantly, having to support us both for the month as he would have spent all his wages within 2 weeks of getting paid etc.....

To just sit on my own with my cats now is complete and utter bliss.

sclarke64448

Just got home from my friends. Many thanks Bookwyrm and Boogs my fellow UK-ers! You know Boogs it's funny what you said about the money. Lee claims incap (he suffered depression four years ago when he split with the mother of his children - he still has it apparently!!). He doesn't work. He is not a functioning alcoholic in any sense of the word. He owes me loads and even on the day we broke up he promised me I'd get every penny back (This I believe was one way he could keep a door open - knowing he could pick up the phone any time to me on the pretence he was going to pay me money!) I still have internet access to his bank account. (I have never touched a penny without his consent, neither would I!) But I looked at it today, to see if he'd sorted himself out with a job. He gets his benefit every two weeks. Until Friday he had 6p in his account. He got paid £180-something pounds on Friday. He withdrew the £180 that day. He then went back to the bank the same day and withdrew another £5. Saturday morning he must have gone into the branch and he withdrew £1.50. He now has 6p again in his account to last him until August 7th. His family will not give him any money, neither will his ex. My guess is over the last fortnight before he got paid he drank his money away and begged and borrowed either from this woman or from his 'friends' in the pub (they do all work!) and when he got paid this Friday he's had to pay whoever back. So his money is practically gone on the day he gets paid. Now if he's just started seeing a single mother of four, no way is she going to be able to afford to keep him. He can keep begging and borrowing from people in the pub but how long for? The more he borrows the more he has to pay back, and if it's that bad that already he's down to withdrawing the final £1.50 just the day after he's been paid, he's on a downward spiral fast. Am I right? I wonder how long it will take for my phone to ring. Plus I've just pulled the plug on his rent (I paid £80 towards it last month) so now he's homeless. If this doesn't teach him nothing will. Sadly I don't think he will learn. He's been homeless before and been to jail, lost his children, lost his family, and yet here I am trying a little self-therapy with all you wonderful people on SR.

Sad, but true.

Goodnight, love to you all. Stay strong!! 7

TakingCharge999

hi sclarke! I saw a lot of "he he he" in your last post... I wanted to challenge you to write another post starting with "I I I" "me me me"!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I too was goin through a rough time when it was my birthday. I too went to the Facebook and saw many messages they made me cry. I went to a spa that day and had dinner with different people ... and went window shopping. And talked to my sister. You know, we are worth so much more, we need to give ourselves more grace!!!!

Jadmack25

hi sclarke, and a very :day1 to you. Glad you had such an uplifting day to counter the garbage you copped from the ex. Wish you a bright and very wonderful year ahead.

God bless

sclarke64448

Many thanks Jadmack. Much appreciated. Really feel like I'm among friends on this website. OK so I've never met any of you but the way we all understand each other takes friendship to a new level I believe - I haven't met any of you, never heard of this website until a week ago, and now anyone reading these posts knows more about me than my own family!!

Well after six weeks of no contact from my ex, and four weeks without contact from me to him, I received a fairly menacing text last night. If I can explain, I have been a member of facebook for two years or so. He joined it on my birthday on Wednesday. Now he has mutual friends with me so of course he's seen I am friends with people that live over by him. I have never instigated contact with any of them but do hear occasionally from them (either through joke emails or the occasional email on fb - at no point have I ever mentioned Lee - it would be the last thing I would do!) On Wednesday one of his friends (the landlady of his local, to boot!!) sent me a lovely birthday message. I wrote back on her wall thanking her for it. Yesterday morning (Fri) I received a 'friend request' from one of his best friends' girlfriends, which I accepted - again I didn't contact her though. And then last night one of his friends Nigel accidentally rang my phone and asked if Lee was with me. Nigel and I were on the phone for about five minutes but again I never once mentioned Lee, even when he did I said nothing.

My friend Michelle was there when I received Gemma's friend request and when Nigel rang me. She thought it was a bit coincidental it happened on the same day and wondered if Lee had put them up to it to get some form of a reaction from me. (Thinking about it he asked his ex to text me a few weeks ago - I do now wonder if that was also to get a reaction from me. It was to take pictures of their children off fb, which I did). (My profile is closed so I can only think one of our friends would have commented on the photos without thinking).

Last night, his text said, "Stop getting invovled with people I know and take the f***in pictures of me off facebook. I ain't jokin."

I wasn't going to respond at all. But then I also wanted to put him in his place as I have done nothing wrong. (Yes the photos were still up there - they are now down though he can find that out for himself).

I said: "Involved with people you know? Check your facts. If you're talking about Penny she facebooked me a birthday message. If you're talking about Gemma she friend requested me this morning. If you're talking about Nigel it was he who rang me. If you're talking about Ali, Nicola or Wayne we have all been facebook friends for months. It's not all about you. I'm not interested any more."

It does make me wonder whether it was because he'd heard from people that I'd had contact with them and wasn't pining over him. And I make sure my fb status is regularly updated with what is going on. Opinions would be good? I can honestly say in all our three years together he never once threatened me, never once called me nasty names, only treated me (seemingly) with respect (although yes he was manipulating me to get what he wanted too).

I'm hoping that's the end of the contact as I feel I have had the last word but without resorting to insults, and can walk away with my head held high. What do you guys reckon? Part of me feels if it falls through with this woman (which is almost a dead cert as she has four young children to cope with) he'll try to worm his way back in. Of course I won't let him, but I just don't want the hassle. I'm beginning to put my life back together - with all you guys! And last night I spoke to a good friend and confided everything in her - her mum and dad were both alcoholics and still are and she grew up in that environment the second eldest of seven children. As well as seeking comfort from her I am going away on my own on Monday until Friday for some me time. Am reading my Co-dependent no more book and when I get back I will be going to weekly Al Anon sessions.

Any opinions?

sclarke64448

By the way I have blocked him on facebook - strangely enough for all his anger neither he nor his new woman blocked me. Strange that! Also makes me think it was for a reaction perhaps. I can't change my phone number practically but I have blocked his number. It means whenever he rings he will be told my ansafone is switched on, but I will still see he's called.