How Quickly the Tables Can Turn
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Ok. Take a deep breath before reading this..
With what you've writtent and the recount of the conversations you've had with him my thought is that you could be trying to avoid what's behind this dazzling light show, which is that he's left you.
He's exactly where he wants to be right now. He's with other addicts and with a lady he met in rehab. It is entirely possible the other addicts have gone home and the story you are receiving is made up for your benefit. He may be calling just to assure himself you've bought into his struggle to survive with the aid of his support group so that you don't come hunting him down and find out the truth.
I hate being lied to and I hate buying into a song and dance that was just put there to distract me from what was really going on. Your emotions are all stirred up by his actions and that makes you a perfect audience. The same way a magician gets an audience stirred up with lights and music, gets them distracted by the pretty assistant, all the while he's replaced the dove in the box with a porcoupine, and we're all so delighted by his mysterious abilities when the trick is over.
Step back from this for a moment, take a deep breath, and play the tape all the way through. Is this just smoke and mirrors?
Alice
With what you've writtent and the recount of the conversations you've had with him my thought is that you could be trying to avoid what's behind this dazzling light show, which is that he's left you.
He's exactly where he wants to be right now. He's with other addicts and with a lady he met in rehab. It is entirely possible the other addicts have gone home and the story you are receiving is made up for your benefit. He may be calling just to assure himself you've bought into his struggle to survive with the aid of his support group so that you don't come hunting him down and find out the truth.
I hate being lied to and I hate buying into a song and dance that was just put there to distract me from what was really going on. Your emotions are all stirred up by his actions and that makes you a perfect audience. The same way a magician gets an audience stirred up with lights and music, gets them distracted by the pretty assistant, all the while he's replaced the dove in the box with a porcoupine, and we're all so delighted by his mysterious abilities when the trick is over.
Step back from this for a moment, take a deep breath, and play the tape all the way through. Is this just smoke and mirrors?
Alice
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 245
I am agreeing with what everybody says. This group of people...he is putting their needs in front of yours. Just like his addiction.
You said your mind is made up, can you just leave and figure things out as you go? Take a few days for yourself? To think.
You said your mind is made up, can you just leave and figure things out as you go? Take a few days for yourself? To think.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I’m with ItsmeAlice I believe there is more to his story then meets the eye. Not to sound cynical or negative but he drank, period. Nothing during that or after is really believable is it?
He gets out of rehab then suddenly begins to drive 3 hours away to hang out with his “new friends”? What about AA in your area, was he even going? How about some kind of after treatment, what was the plan after rehab?
I agree not to make any major life changes right now but I also think that you want so much to believe him so that life can go on and you can be happy. Kind of like rushing to get all this behind you, only to resurface again some where down the road.
I think you do need to figure out the control and your motives and taking a few days for your self might be exactly what you need to do.
I remember stories my BF told me about some of the rehabs he was in when he was younger. In one they more or less taught each other how to use and not get caught. In another he met a girl he became obsessed with. Got out of rehab and drove thousands of miles away to visit her to discover she was using again and he figured, why not – this is great!!
Not sure how old you guys are or exactly what your circumstances are but doesn’t he work?
He gets out of rehab then suddenly begins to drive 3 hours away to hang out with his “new friends”? What about AA in your area, was he even going? How about some kind of after treatment, what was the plan after rehab?
I agree not to make any major life changes right now but I also think that you want so much to believe him so that life can go on and you can be happy. Kind of like rushing to get all this behind you, only to resurface again some where down the road.
I think you do need to figure out the control and your motives and taking a few days for your self might be exactly what you need to do.
I remember stories my BF told me about some of the rehabs he was in when he was younger. In one they more or less taught each other how to use and not get caught. In another he met a girl he became obsessed with. Got out of rehab and drove thousands of miles away to visit her to discover she was using again and he figured, why not – this is great!!
Not sure how old you guys are or exactly what your circumstances are but doesn’t he work?
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
My therapist recommended for me to take a few days or weeks to "calm down" before doing anything or talking to my partner. I am visceral and when I am hurt, or in pain I tend to do things I later regret. Better take time to "cool off", zoom out, step back, consider everything you know, everything that has been said: and the REALITY: what has been done.
What he has done looks very suspicious to me.
What he has done looks very suspicious to me.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Washington State
Posts: 75
That letter you wrote is amazing--I saved a copy to read later. I hope you have a place (home, park, friend's place) to spend some time soon with peace and quiet and relaxation in it somewhere--to think about you and what you need.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
kitty-
i have the same hunch that itsmealice has. you really can't believe anything that an active addict says.
if this was my xABF, he would be lying to me that everyone is there so that he could be with kerri. i mean, he's already admitted to making out with her in rehab.
what puzzled me a bit was how last night he said he would come home if the two other men returned. if they are all having this extended group session, why couldn't he just leave kerri with them? perchance they were not there at all?
just a thought. might not be true. you could just ask him? or you could call and ask to speak to one of the other men there?
do you know anyone in columbus who could pop in?
for myself, when it happened to me, i wanted to have the facts to erase or support my growing hunches. i don't know if that's right or wrong, it just helped me to move on. i don't regret it and i wasn't dishonest about it.
i have the same hunch that itsmealice has. you really can't believe anything that an active addict says.
if this was my xABF, he would be lying to me that everyone is there so that he could be with kerri. i mean, he's already admitted to making out with her in rehab.
what puzzled me a bit was how last night he said he would come home if the two other men returned. if they are all having this extended group session, why couldn't he just leave kerri with them? perchance they were not there at all?
just a thought. might not be true. you could just ask him? or you could call and ask to speak to one of the other men there?
do you know anyone in columbus who could pop in?
for myself, when it happened to me, i wanted to have the facts to erase or support my growing hunches. i don't know if that's right or wrong, it just helped me to move on. i don't regret it and i wasn't dishonest about it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Kitty, that's a really amazing letter. You are so much more articulate than I -- and you've captured your feelings in a way that (I think) is fair and open. Just wanted to say that.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 40
Wow. You people are amazing. Thank you so much for all of your helpful posts.
Well, I talked to him again just now and I tried to have a conversation in which we could discuss everything I had prepared in that letter, but he kept interrupting me and being all defensive. Finally, as a desperate act to get his attention and actually LISTEN to me, I told him that my bags were packed. He couldn't believe it. It totally crushed him, but he reacted in anger. What's worse is that he kept saying over and over, "TWO WEEKS! I've been out of rehab for TWO WEEKS and you've packed your bags? So much for being a patient and supportive wife. TWO WEEKS!"
I would then tell him that things have only gotten WORSE in the two weeks that he's been out of rehab, but that the real problems have been there for years, I just wasn't able to see them until now. That's when he said, "The problems we had before I was in rehab were because I was an alcoholic! That's the stuff I'm trying to work on! Why encourage me to suffer through 21 days of pure hell [rehab] if all you were planning to do was bring up stuff I did when I was drunk when I'm only two weeks out of rehab and then leave me anyway?!?!?"
Ugh. He KILLED me with that "two weeks" stuff, because it was actually effective. I started thinking to myself, "He's right. He's only two weeks out of rehab after probably 20 years of drinking every single day, and I'm leaving him because MY needs aren't being fulfilled?"
I told him that things would have never gotten to this point if he would stop shutting me out and start telling me exactly what is going on with him. I also reminded him that I explicitly told him this past weekend that it makes me feel like **** whenever I tell him about negative feelings I am having and he responds with, "Just chill out. Do you have any idea what I'm going through right now? Stop trying to make this all about you. Be supportive." I told him that all I wanted was for him to give me some comfort, tell me I have no reason to feel insecure because he DOES love me, but instead he leaves me feeling like my feelings don't count for anything. He even makes me feel guilty for even HAVING feelings sometimes!
How did he reply? "IT'S BEEN TWO WEEKS!!!!!"
What's worse, he's right.
Well, like I said, he responded with anger to hearing that my bags are packed. Now he's trying to turn the tables and be like, "Fine. I'm sorry I wasn't able to figure out who the hell I am as a newly sober human being in just two weeks time, let alone pay enough attention to YOUR feelings for two whole weeks. I guess if that's all the patience you have then I shouldn't expect you to wait any longer for me to get my head straightened out."
Ugh. Manipulative? Yes. But does he have a point??? I'm thinking he does.
Of course, I say this because I WANT him to convince me to stay. But why do I want to be convinced so badly? Because I love him, and I DO believe in him, and I'm NOT angry that he relapsed. I'm not GLAD that he relapsed, but it's nothing we can't get through. This was all brought on by the picture I had painted in my head that my husband now preferred to hang out in a crack house with a bunch of junkies rather than be with me. This picture was painted, however, because he never explained anything to me or told me otherwise. I told him this and said, "THIS is what happens when I'm left to my own imagination. You HAVE to talk to me. Not talking to me is not only disrespectful to me as your wife, but it is also causes HUGE problems like this."
The one and only highlight came when he was telling me I really need to read more books, or better books, or go to therapy or something to learn how to talk to a recovering alcoholic, at which point I reminded him that I AM going to start seeing a therapist, but I had originally asked him to go with me and he wouldn't. He then replied, "No, I don't want to go to another therapist. Do you know how many therapists I've talked to? It's exhausting have to tell my story over and over again," but then he added, "But I'll go, if that's what it will take. After all, I was willing to go through 21 days of rehab for you, what's another hour a week of therapy?"
Well, nothing is resolved at this point, just so you know. I didn't say I wasn't leaving, he didn't say HE wasn't leaving (yes, he also threatened to just not come home), and he didn't say if or when he was coming home. At this point, though, my gut it telling me NOT to go to my Dad's but not to unpack the car, either. It's 50/50 whether or not he will come home tonight. If he doesn't, that will probably convince me that spending time apart is the best thing and the car will already be packed and ready to go. If he does come home, even though I am still there he will see all the stuff in my car and know that I wasn't lying. However, we could possibly continue our conversation and maybe it will work out. After all, even though most of it was yelling, the talking we have done today has been the most productive communication we've had since he's been out of rehab. He seemed HUMAN to me today. He even got choked up a couple of times when he talked about me leaving. If only he could open up like that more often!
Well, I talked to him again just now and I tried to have a conversation in which we could discuss everything I had prepared in that letter, but he kept interrupting me and being all defensive. Finally, as a desperate act to get his attention and actually LISTEN to me, I told him that my bags were packed. He couldn't believe it. It totally crushed him, but he reacted in anger. What's worse is that he kept saying over and over, "TWO WEEKS! I've been out of rehab for TWO WEEKS and you've packed your bags? So much for being a patient and supportive wife. TWO WEEKS!"
I would then tell him that things have only gotten WORSE in the two weeks that he's been out of rehab, but that the real problems have been there for years, I just wasn't able to see them until now. That's when he said, "The problems we had before I was in rehab were because I was an alcoholic! That's the stuff I'm trying to work on! Why encourage me to suffer through 21 days of pure hell [rehab] if all you were planning to do was bring up stuff I did when I was drunk when I'm only two weeks out of rehab and then leave me anyway?!?!?"
Ugh. He KILLED me with that "two weeks" stuff, because it was actually effective. I started thinking to myself, "He's right. He's only two weeks out of rehab after probably 20 years of drinking every single day, and I'm leaving him because MY needs aren't being fulfilled?"
I told him that things would have never gotten to this point if he would stop shutting me out and start telling me exactly what is going on with him. I also reminded him that I explicitly told him this past weekend that it makes me feel like **** whenever I tell him about negative feelings I am having and he responds with, "Just chill out. Do you have any idea what I'm going through right now? Stop trying to make this all about you. Be supportive." I told him that all I wanted was for him to give me some comfort, tell me I have no reason to feel insecure because he DOES love me, but instead he leaves me feeling like my feelings don't count for anything. He even makes me feel guilty for even HAVING feelings sometimes!
How did he reply? "IT'S BEEN TWO WEEKS!!!!!"
What's worse, he's right.
Well, like I said, he responded with anger to hearing that my bags are packed. Now he's trying to turn the tables and be like, "Fine. I'm sorry I wasn't able to figure out who the hell I am as a newly sober human being in just two weeks time, let alone pay enough attention to YOUR feelings for two whole weeks. I guess if that's all the patience you have then I shouldn't expect you to wait any longer for me to get my head straightened out."
Ugh. Manipulative? Yes. But does he have a point??? I'm thinking he does.
Of course, I say this because I WANT him to convince me to stay. But why do I want to be convinced so badly? Because I love him, and I DO believe in him, and I'm NOT angry that he relapsed. I'm not GLAD that he relapsed, but it's nothing we can't get through. This was all brought on by the picture I had painted in my head that my husband now preferred to hang out in a crack house with a bunch of junkies rather than be with me. This picture was painted, however, because he never explained anything to me or told me otherwise. I told him this and said, "THIS is what happens when I'm left to my own imagination. You HAVE to talk to me. Not talking to me is not only disrespectful to me as your wife, but it is also causes HUGE problems like this."
The one and only highlight came when he was telling me I really need to read more books, or better books, or go to therapy or something to learn how to talk to a recovering alcoholic, at which point I reminded him that I AM going to start seeing a therapist, but I had originally asked him to go with me and he wouldn't. He then replied, "No, I don't want to go to another therapist. Do you know how many therapists I've talked to? It's exhausting have to tell my story over and over again," but then he added, "But I'll go, if that's what it will take. After all, I was willing to go through 21 days of rehab for you, what's another hour a week of therapy?"
Well, nothing is resolved at this point, just so you know. I didn't say I wasn't leaving, he didn't say HE wasn't leaving (yes, he also threatened to just not come home), and he didn't say if or when he was coming home. At this point, though, my gut it telling me NOT to go to my Dad's but not to unpack the car, either. It's 50/50 whether or not he will come home tonight. If he doesn't, that will probably convince me that spending time apart is the best thing and the car will already be packed and ready to go. If he does come home, even though I am still there he will see all the stuff in my car and know that I wasn't lying. However, we could possibly continue our conversation and maybe it will work out. After all, even though most of it was yelling, the talking we have done today has been the most productive communication we've had since he's been out of rehab. He seemed HUMAN to me today. He even got choked up a couple of times when he talked about me leaving. If only he could open up like that more often!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by KittyTET 
This was all brought on by the picture I had painted in my head that my husband now preferred to hang out in a crack house with a bunch of junkies rather than be with me.
Just from what you've shared, it sounds like he is way more interested in getting you off his back than he is in really figuring out how to be sober. That's just how it looks to me as an outsider, anyway.
First, you don't have to drive three hours to find support. There are AA meetings in every town. Second, spending the night with a woman you cheated with (yes 'making out' is cheating in my book) is not a healthy way to achieve sobriety, or a happy marriage.
I know you really want to believe him and live happily ever after, but what if I posted this story? What would you think then?
L
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Like most addicts he turned the conversation around to be all about how YOU are hurting HIM. And he went through 21 days of rehab for YOU. And you (after 15 yrs of living w/ an actice alcoholic) don;t have enought patience for 2 weeks out of rehab?!!
No humility.
No ownership of how his choices might cause pain in his loved one.
I agree w/ LTD.. he sounds way more interested in getting you off his back, and continuing to do just what he wants to do.
You can allow him to have his interpretation of things without it influencing what is the right thing to do for yourself. You can feel guilty and wish thiings were different, but those emotions do not have to rule how you make healthy decisions for YOURSELF.
Stay strong Kitt- more will be revealed. just do the next right thing for YOU.
(((hugs)))
peace,
b
No humility.
No ownership of how his choices might cause pain in his loved one.
I agree w/ LTD.. he sounds way more interested in getting you off his back, and continuing to do just what he wants to do.
You can allow him to have his interpretation of things without it influencing what is the right thing to do for yourself. You can feel guilty and wish thiings were different, but those emotions do not have to rule how you make healthy decisions for YOURSELF.
Stay strong Kitt- more will be revealed. just do the next right thing for YOU.
(((hugs)))
peace,
b
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
"So much for being a patient and supportive wife."
"IT'S BEEN TWO WEEKS!!!!!"
"I guess if that's all the patience you have then I shouldn't expect you to wait any longer for me to get my head straightened out."
"After all, I was willing to go through 21 days of rehab for you..."
"IT'S BEEN TWO WEEKS!!!!!"
"I guess if that's all the patience you have then I shouldn't expect you to wait any longer for me to get my head straightened out."
"After all, I was willing to go through 21 days of rehab for you..."
He's obviously doing what's 'right' for him to 'get his head together' and he expects you to turn off your feelings and put your life on hold. Not only did all the years before rehab have to be about him, these days all have to be about him too. Again, very common.
And just one thing more: I think YOU'RE worth rescuing. If he would only put the same time and effort he's putting into a strange woman and put it into your relationship instead, you wouldn't be having these problems.
Sending my best wishes and a ton of strength to you, to do what's right for YOU. Like Bernadette points out above, we can only do the "next right thing" for ourselves sometimes. Glad you're poised to do whatever you need to do. But still SO sorry you're going through this.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
Bingo!! Way to hit the nail on the head.
I didn't realize he made out with this chick! OMG even if he wasn't an alcoholic in recovery, if my xbf had gone out of town to help out some chick he made out with, that'd be it for me.
Yeah, I'm starting to agree w/the other people who replied to you. This sounds like it's more about him and her, than "HIS recovery". He's not doing what's best for the marriage or his recovery.
Like you said, he already relapsed in that situation-it's obviously not healthy, and it's not helping your marriage, but that's not his first priority, obviously, so WHY on earth should it be yours?
I didn't realize he made out with this chick! OMG even if he wasn't an alcoholic in recovery, if my xbf had gone out of town to help out some chick he made out with, that'd be it for me.
Yeah, I'm starting to agree w/the other people who replied to you. This sounds like it's more about him and her, than "HIS recovery". He's not doing what's best for the marriage or his recovery.
Like you said, he already relapsed in that situation-it's obviously not healthy, and it's not helping your marriage, but that's not his first priority, obviously, so WHY on earth should it be yours?
Originally Posted by GiveLove
And just one thing more: I think YOU'RE worth rescuing. If he would only put the same time and effort he's putting into a strange woman and put it into your relationship instead, you wouldn't be having these problems.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
This is just what I would do, given my limited knowledge of your situation.
I'd tell him that unless and until he gets his booty back home and starts going to local AA meetings, you're out of there. Pack your stuff..go stay with your dad or whatever you need to do.
I'd tell him that unless and until he gets his booty back home and starts going to local AA meetings, you're out of there. Pack your stuff..go stay with your dad or whatever you need to do.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: England
Posts: 27
See the light. Don't try to understand. You can not understand. You can only deal with the situation as best you can. Don't forget you...how you feel. Understand yourself and what you are trying to do my reading and learning about the condition. Is it to help him? Or is it to help with the hurt he is causing you....it's not his fault??
If you can live this life keep going...of not you can move on.
If you can live this life keep going...of not you can move on.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
"21 days of pure hell"
Not really hell when he was kissing another woman, huh?
All of the responses seem like an alcoholic defending his right to drink, you could just as well be speaking in Esperanto or Greek... ignoring the elephant in the room is one of their specialties. Very frustrating!
Dear kitty, I agree with the above posters. There is AA everywhere you look, he does not have to go far at all.
Granted I am not an expert, or an alcoholic but the word "RECOVERY" is nowhere to be seen in his words or actions.
To this outsider that man is much capable of hurting and manipulation. Although I know you are in pain in the long run its better to have the facts and open your eyes to the kind of person you have infront of you.
All the best and know we all back you up and agree you also have needs, feelings and you are an EQUAL as you said in your letter!
Not really hell when he was kissing another woman, huh?
All of the responses seem like an alcoholic defending his right to drink, you could just as well be speaking in Esperanto or Greek... ignoring the elephant in the room is one of their specialties. Very frustrating!
Dear kitty, I agree with the above posters. There is AA everywhere you look, he does not have to go far at all.
Granted I am not an expert, or an alcoholic but the word "RECOVERY" is nowhere to be seen in his words or actions.
To this outsider that man is much capable of hurting and manipulation. Although I know you are in pain in the long run its better to have the facts and open your eyes to the kind of person you have infront of you.
All the best and know we all back you up and agree you also have needs, feelings and you are an EQUAL as you said in your letter!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Tampa, Florida
Posts: 108
Kitty,
I can't really add much more to what everyone else is saying. I also agree that he is making excuses and I didn't think you should have let his "kiss" off the hook as easily as you did. But you have to find your own way and everyone's situation is different. I just wanted to let you know that I totally understand what your going through and hang in there!
I can't really add much more to what everyone else is saying. I also agree that he is making excuses and I didn't think you should have let his "kiss" off the hook as easily as you did. But you have to find your own way and everyone's situation is different. I just wanted to let you know that I totally understand what your going through and hang in there!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I certainly understand your desire to work things out with him. But from my view from the outside, it does not appear he feels the same way.
I don't see active recovery in the conversation you had with him. I see active addiction. He went through rehab and the only tools he came away with were aggression, diversionary tacticts, and blamestorming. Oh, and the new support system he has built who are supporting his addiction rather than his sobriety.
You feel the need to find truth in whatever he tells you. Only you can decide what is true or not. You understand that he is manipulating you and then you say he has a point. The point of manipulation is to change your way of thinknig and make you feel a certain way...namely to blame for his poor choices.
I'm riding you on these issues but I care. I can only make the suggestion of another point of view. Only you can step back and see things for yourself. I can't control you any more than I can control the alcoholic in my life.
Please stay strong. Please take what he tells you in this time with a caveat. He has relapsed and is focused only on continueing this path. That is what addiction does. It holds on for dear life regardless of what it has to say or who it has to hurt to do so.
I hold out hope he will come home and start again on the road to recovery.
Alice
I don't see active recovery in the conversation you had with him. I see active addiction. He went through rehab and the only tools he came away with were aggression, diversionary tacticts, and blamestorming. Oh, and the new support system he has built who are supporting his addiction rather than his sobriety.
You feel the need to find truth in whatever he tells you. Only you can decide what is true or not. You understand that he is manipulating you and then you say he has a point. The point of manipulation is to change your way of thinknig and make you feel a certain way...namely to blame for his poor choices.
I'm riding you on these issues but I care. I can only make the suggestion of another point of view. Only you can step back and see things for yourself. I can't control you any more than I can control the alcoholic in my life.
Please stay strong. Please take what he tells you in this time with a caveat. He has relapsed and is focused only on continueing this path. That is what addiction does. It holds on for dear life regardless of what it has to say or who it has to hurt to do so.
I hold out hope he will come home and start again on the road to recovery.
Alice
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 517
Sometimes it is really difficult to step back and evaluate a situation when you are caught right in the middle of things, but kissing another woman AND expecting you to tolerate that he visits her AND being alone with her AND relapsing on top of it all is inappropriate and disrespectful. That alone would, in my mind and if you chose to do so, enough reason the leave and sort things out from a distance.
Apparently he has his way of dealing with recovery, so why can't you have yours and get some distance without being guilt-tripped? I couldn't even imagine being at home knowing that he is meeting the woman he made out with and who he thinks is "amazing." That is A LOT to expect from you and has nothing to do with his recovery - that is just being selfish.
Apparently he has his way of dealing with recovery, so why can't you have yours and get some distance without being guilt-tripped? I couldn't even imagine being at home knowing that he is meeting the woman he made out with and who he thinks is "amazing." That is A LOT to expect from you and has nothing to do with his recovery - that is just being selfish.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hello kitty-
i've been in your shoes. i bent over backwards to accomodate my xABF and his new lover. i tried to be understanding, forgiving, put it behind me, move on together. it didn't work. it just gave them both license to drag me behind their trainwreck. it drove me crazy. i wasn't behaving like myself anymore. i couldn't quite remember who i was in all the jumbled hurt pain in my head. i didn't know what to believe. i was spinning. there was no peace.
i got off the ride. i thank the good people here for their objective input. i went to my mother's house and took a time-out for a month. my mother lives 3000 miles away from me and i didn't even know if i had the life energy to make it there. i couldn't even imagine carrying a suitcase, so i only packed a small backpack, put my important docs at a neighbors house, installed a lock on my bedroom door and headed out.
it was the best choice. i thank the people here. what a relief to get out of the middle of the cyclone!
i began to eat regular, sleep regular. i went to alanon. i posted here. my mother and i settled into normal everyday life, something i had forgotten. i raked the leaves, took care of the grandchildren, sat with her friends as they knitted. everyone was sober. i had forgotten.
kitty, consider going to your father's. turn off your mobile phone. take some time to settle yourself. it doesn't mean your leaving, it means you will have a bit of time and space away from their craziness. you don't even need to explain yourself other than you need some time to think. i didn't do it to manipulate him, i did it for me because i was loosing myself.
peace and clear thought to you,
naive
i've been in your shoes. i bent over backwards to accomodate my xABF and his new lover. i tried to be understanding, forgiving, put it behind me, move on together. it didn't work. it just gave them both license to drag me behind their trainwreck. it drove me crazy. i wasn't behaving like myself anymore. i couldn't quite remember who i was in all the jumbled hurt pain in my head. i didn't know what to believe. i was spinning. there was no peace.
i got off the ride. i thank the good people here for their objective input. i went to my mother's house and took a time-out for a month. my mother lives 3000 miles away from me and i didn't even know if i had the life energy to make it there. i couldn't even imagine carrying a suitcase, so i only packed a small backpack, put my important docs at a neighbors house, installed a lock on my bedroom door and headed out.
it was the best choice. i thank the people here. what a relief to get out of the middle of the cyclone!
i began to eat regular, sleep regular. i went to alanon. i posted here. my mother and i settled into normal everyday life, something i had forgotten. i raked the leaves, took care of the grandchildren, sat with her friends as they knitted. everyone was sober. i had forgotten.
kitty, consider going to your father's. turn off your mobile phone. take some time to settle yourself. it doesn't mean your leaving, it means you will have a bit of time and space away from their craziness. you don't even need to explain yourself other than you need some time to think. i didn't do it to manipulate him, i did it for me because i was loosing myself.
peace and clear thought to you,
naive
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
