I am addicted to fantasies
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
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I am addicted to fantasies
By request, I have copied this post from another thread and started a new here.
Originally Posted by DesertEyes 
I can't tell you what _you_ should do. That kind of advice is something that only a lawyer can give you. Nobody here on SoberRecovery is acting as a professional, we are all equal here, just regular people trying to deal with very painful hardships. So please remember that when you are reading people's posts.
What I can tell you is why _I_ have the same feelings towards my ex-wife, and then you can see if there's anything in what I have experienced that is of benefit to you. The reason I have a need to apologize to my ex-wife is because I am still in love with the fantasy of who I thought she was.
Had my wife really been the imaginary creature I thought she was, then my divorcing her would have been an awful thing to do. It would have been _my_ fault for not being loving enough, caring enough, forgiving enough. In my fantasy life, if I sacrificed _everything_ for somebody else, then that somebody else would recognize my sacrifice and reward me with love.
ok, fairy tale is over, reality closed that book in my face.
My problem is that I _imagine_ what people have going on inside their heads. I _imagine_ that my wife had pure and righteous motives for running around with married men. Basically, I'm chicken, and don't want to deal with the consequences of admiting that my imaginings were _wrong_. Just like my wife took the easy way out and avoided her problems by hiding in pain pills and easy sex, I took the easy way out and hid in a fantasy.
My ex-wife is addicted to chemicals. I am addicted to fantasies.
The way I work the twelve steps of al-anon is I start like this:
1 - I am powerless over my fantasies, and my life has become unmanageable.
When I stop feeding my fantasies and face the reality of my life, that is when I realise that I have gotten myself in a mess and it's time to get out of it. Sometimes I have to check reality with my sponsor, or share it in a meeting, just to make sure I'm not fantasizing again.
Once I gave up on the fantasy of my marriage, and realized that my wife was just another sad human being that chose to avoid dealing with her issues, then I was able to walk away and save my own self. I still love the woman she was when I first met her, before the pills and the infidelity, but that woman is no longer there. Once in a while I still hurt for what we lost, but today it's just a small ache, like remembering yesterday's beautiful sunset. There's a brand new sunset coming later today, and another one tomorrow. _Real_ sunsets, a _real_ life, with _real_ people that care for me and love me, not with made up people out of my own imagination.
Mike
What I can tell you is why _I_ have the same feelings towards my ex-wife, and then you can see if there's anything in what I have experienced that is of benefit to you. The reason I have a need to apologize to my ex-wife is because I am still in love with the fantasy of who I thought she was.
Had my wife really been the imaginary creature I thought she was, then my divorcing her would have been an awful thing to do. It would have been _my_ fault for not being loving enough, caring enough, forgiving enough. In my fantasy life, if I sacrificed _everything_ for somebody else, then that somebody else would recognize my sacrifice and reward me with love.
ok, fairy tale is over, reality closed that book in my face.
My problem is that I _imagine_ what people have going on inside their heads. I _imagine_ that my wife had pure and righteous motives for running around with married men. Basically, I'm chicken, and don't want to deal with the consequences of admiting that my imaginings were _wrong_. Just like my wife took the easy way out and avoided her problems by hiding in pain pills and easy sex, I took the easy way out and hid in a fantasy.
My ex-wife is addicted to chemicals. I am addicted to fantasies.
The way I work the twelve steps of al-anon is I start like this:
1 - I am powerless over my fantasies, and my life has become unmanageable.
When I stop feeding my fantasies and face the reality of my life, that is when I realise that I have gotten myself in a mess and it's time to get out of it. Sometimes I have to check reality with my sponsor, or share it in a meeting, just to make sure I'm not fantasizing again.
Once I gave up on the fantasy of my marriage, and realized that my wife was just another sad human being that chose to avoid dealing with her issues, then I was able to walk away and save my own self. I still love the woman she was when I first met her, before the pills and the infidelity, but that woman is no longer there. Once in a while I still hurt for what we lost, but today it's just a small ache, like remembering yesterday's beautiful sunset. There's a brand new sunset coming later today, and another one tomorrow. _Real_ sunsets, a _real_ life, with _real_ people that care for me and love me, not with made up people out of my own imagination.
Mike
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Join Date: Jun 2007
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Thanks Mike!
It's funny how some posts come in the knick of time! I have been sad myself this morning thinking my exabf's life is wonderful and perfect and here i am sad at the thought of that. I know it's not the case, but funny how your mind can create such a story!
Thanks!
It's funny how some posts come in the knick of time! I have been sad myself this morning thinking my exabf's life is wonderful and perfect and here i am sad at the thought of that. I know it's not the case, but funny how your mind can create such a story!
Thanks!
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
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Hey Mike Thank you!
I cannot tell you how much this post - this concept of "addicted to fantasy" has affected me these last 24 hrs. When I look back at my life , especially times when I have been just stewing in a bad situation it is because there is some REALITY that I refuse to face or acknowledge. And even though I've known this about myself since adolescence and I strive to be Reality-based there was something about the way you put this, with such clarity that makes me see I can do better, I can get real with more stuff in my life.
Honesty is so important to recovery!
Thanks again for this food for thought (banquet for thought!!).
B.
I cannot tell you how much this post - this concept of "addicted to fantasy" has affected me these last 24 hrs. When I look back at my life , especially times when I have been just stewing in a bad situation it is because there is some REALITY that I refuse to face or acknowledge. And even though I've known this about myself since adolescence and I strive to be Reality-based there was something about the way you put this, with such clarity that makes me see I can do better, I can get real with more stuff in my life.
Honesty is so important to recovery!
Thanks again for this food for thought (banquet for thought!!).
B.
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 49
Very aptly said. And very true for me too.
Melody Beattie says in her book "Codependent no more" that we family members have only 2 tools in the insanity of Alcoholism:
1, Anger
2. Fanatasies
We react in anger, and loll about in fantasy, of what is was like, and why cant it be like what we imagine.
Once, however, we awake, we have the opportunity to create a new reality. Takes lots of hard work, but the payoff is way better than empty fantasies.
Melody Beattie says in her book "Codependent no more" that we family members have only 2 tools in the insanity of Alcoholism:
1, Anger
2. Fanatasies
We react in anger, and loll about in fantasy, of what is was like, and why cant it be like what we imagine.
Once, however, we awake, we have the opportunity to create a new reality. Takes lots of hard work, but the payoff is way better than empty fantasies.
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 530
Fantasies are powerful and hard to get rid of. We want our lives to be a certain way and the people in it too. I have been working on this fantasy issue since yesterday and looking at the reality of my AH.
I also imagine and assume alot as well. Now that he is out of the house I assume he is happy and having a great time. Maybe yes? Maybe no?
I also imagine and assume alot as well. Now that he is out of the house I assume he is happy and having a great time. Maybe yes? Maybe no?
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
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Thanks, Mike. Brilliant and needed this morning.
When I started ACTIVELY stopping my mind from lolling around in those familiar fantasies, good things started to happen for me fast. Your post is the whole basis for Byron Katie's work (she has a book called "Loving What Is").....that we only see the beauty and magnificence of what IS (the world we live in, our own strength, a baby's beautiful face) when we stop choosing to spend our whole lives fantasizing/daydreaming/worrying/awfulizing about something that no longer exists, or may never happen.
When I started ACTIVELY stopping my mind from lolling around in those familiar fantasies, good things started to happen for me fast. Your post is the whole basis for Byron Katie's work (she has a book called "Loving What Is").....that we only see the beauty and magnificence of what IS (the world we live in, our own strength, a baby's beautiful face) when we stop choosing to spend our whole lives fantasizing/daydreaming/worrying/awfulizing about something that no longer exists, or may never happen.
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Once in a while I still hurt for what we lost, but today it's just a small ache, like remembering yesterday's beautiful sunset. There's a brand new sunset coming later today, and another one tomorrow. _Real_ sunsets, a _real_ life, with _real_ people that care for me and love me, not with made up people out of my own imagination.
It is amazing how things do begin to happen when we let go and I hope someday that
I will let go totally of the fantasies for good and start everday with that new sunset!
Thanks for posting this!
"Progress not perfection"
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Join Date: Nov 2006
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Thank you so much for posting that Mike! Yesterday I was reminded that someone did me a favor by participating in the break-up of my marriage and family. I loved reading this.....
It would have been _my_ fault for not being loving enough, caring enough, forgiving enough. In my fantasy life, if I sacrificed _everything_ for somebody else, then that somebody else would recognize my sacrifice and reward me with love.
For just as long as I've been sober, I've been working on the anger and resentments towards the person my ex had an affair with, it's only recently that I've been able to look at her part, and understand that what was left when it was all said and done was just a fantasy.
It would have been _my_ fault for not being loving enough, caring enough, forgiving enough. In my fantasy life, if I sacrificed _everything_ for somebody else, then that somebody else would recognize my sacrifice and reward me with love.
For just as long as I've been sober, I've been working on the anger and resentments towards the person my ex had an affair with, it's only recently that I've been able to look at her part, and understand that what was left when it was all said and done was just a fantasy.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Thanks, Mike. This was wonderful, honest, and extremely helpful. Fantasy begins in childhood and it's hard to catch ourselves after a lifetime of "practicing" this art-form, but extremely self-nurturing and healing when we do realize it is okay to let go and face reality head-on. I hope you make this a sticky, because it's incredibly powerful.
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
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Classic stuff by a classic guy!
Thanks for this Mike. I've been looking back at my life... the time I spent in LaLa Land pretending that everything was wonderful.. the fantasy life I had for a long time. Now I am able to be right here, right now in the reality of my life. I think I like real life better, to be honest.
Thanks for this Mike. I've been looking back at my life... the time I spent in LaLa Land pretending that everything was wonderful.. the fantasy life I had for a long time. Now I am able to be right here, right now in the reality of my life. I think I like real life better, to be honest.
Always Hopeful
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: californication
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Great stuff. Thank you. I also lived in fantasy land. Overlooked many red flags out of desperation to get married and to have my XAB fit that picture of the perfect life. It is when I deal with reality, that I do say thanks to God for saving me from the huge mistake I was about to make.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 80
Wow. This is so what I need to hear right now.
I was so ready and keen to have a baby and start a family that I too ignored 'red flags' when I got together with my ABF, and every time the reality has shone through the fantasy, I've realised he is not the person I want to be with, and certainly don't want to have more children with. But out of my fantasy addiction, and my addiction to HIM, I've gone in and out, and in and out.
Thank you to everyone on here for holding a mirror up to me, and showing me that I can trust the Reality. How liberating.
I also found Byron Katie's work very inspiring. I need to read 'Loving what is' again.
I was so ready and keen to have a baby and start a family that I too ignored 'red flags' when I got together with my ABF, and every time the reality has shone through the fantasy, I've realised he is not the person I want to be with, and certainly don't want to have more children with. But out of my fantasy addiction, and my addiction to HIM, I've gone in and out, and in and out.
Thank you to everyone on here for holding a mirror up to me, and showing me that I can trust the Reality. How liberating.
I also found Byron Katie's work very inspiring. I need to read 'Loving what is' again.
Su**endering...
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Charleston, SC
Posts: 102
Crap! That's it. I'm addicted to fantasies. Only I'm to the point where I not only have them about what I wish things were like, but also about what things have been. I build entire stories up in my mind without simply being direct and asking a question. And I can't stop it when something triggers them.
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