How Quickly the Tables Can Turn

Old 07-08-2009, 05:16 AM
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kitty: don't know if this has been mentioned, but you need testing for STDs and so does that husband of yours before you get back with him. Also, do you have any precious children who are witnessing this incredible drama? They need protection from it, you know.

I hope these posts are helping you see the reality of the situation. The reality of living with an addict is that they do leave us (as in a separation) but don't even have the integrity to tell us that they've done so - partly because their brains are too fogged up to think in those terms and partly because they don't ever mess up a good enabling situation. So that leaves us with the crazymaking trying to figure out what is going on. What's going on is a brain that is chemically insane who is given the respect by others that is actually only deserved by those living in integrity.
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Old 07-08-2009, 10:02 AM
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Wow-the whole STD thing. Good point.

I used to worry, what if my xabf hooked up with some girl at the bar and, since he wasn't in his right mind when drunk, didn't use protection.

As far as I know, this never happened. He never cheated on me. But how could I know 100 percent for sure? Alcoholics are practiced liars.

This is an unpleasant possibility to consider when being romantically involved with an alcoholic, but very important! Thanks for bringing this up.

Originally Posted by sojourner View Post
kitty: don't know if this has been mentioned, but you need testing for STDs and so does that husband of yours before you get back with him. Also, do you have any precious children who are witnessing this incredible drama? They need protection from it, you know.

I hope these posts are helping you see the reality of the situation. The reality of living with an addict is that they do leave us (as in a separation) but don't even have the integrity to tell us that they've done so - partly because their brains are too fogged up to think in those terms and partly because they don't ever mess up a good enabling situation. So that leaves us with the crazymaking trying to figure out what is going on. What's going on is a brain that is chemically insane who is given the respect by others that is actually only deserved by those living in integrity.
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Old 07-08-2009, 11:16 AM
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"Originally Posted by KittyTET View Post
This was all brought on by the picture I had painted in my head that my husband now preferred to hang out in a crack house with a bunch of junkies rather than be with me."
================================================== ======

Although crack is a different drug, "all roads leads to Rome" IN fact, alcohol is one of the few drugs that can kill an otherwise healthy person in withdrawal The mental or real image of alcoholics hanging out together is no different from crack heads except for the route of administration.

Addicts often hang together if for not more than the simple goal of getting high. I know spouses may imagine infidelity but don't waste your time trying to get into his head;

there is no rhythm or reason, period.


Do nice things for yourself, and 2 weeks is not a long time.
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Old 07-08-2009, 08:38 PM
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just my thinghts

Hello, and sorry to intrude on this thread, but alot of the actions I have been reading about have screamed to me....
I think there may be more going on than you think..that being said, and at the risk of being wrong, I would strongly recommend you buy a home testing kit at the drugstore to test your husbands urine for any traces of cocaine...
Hanging with Crack users would certainly warrant this action, and if he refuses to take the test, well, that is indicative on its own...
just a thought, and I hope I haven't stepped on any toes...
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Old 07-08-2009, 09:45 PM
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I guess with the forum upgrades there's no thank you button at this instant, so thank you **{sojourner}} for

The reality of living with an addict is that they do leave us (as in a separation) but don't even have the integrity to tell us that they've done so - partly because their brains are too fogged up to think in those terms and partly because they don't ever mess up a good enabling situation. So that leaves us with the crazymaking trying to figure out what is going on.
**{KittyTET}} It's kind of sad but I also wanted to say I can identify with the "wait and see" game, since I've played it too. Like--which way will the wind blow? Will he come home by 10 pm? If yes, I'll stay up and chat. Will he be home by 1 AM? If no, I'll lock the door to my bedroom because I know he'll come in raving and angry and abusive for at least two hours. Will he be home at 8AM? If yes, I'll have coffee ready. It's like everything I was doing was dependant on someone else's choices and decisions. It wasn't until I stepped out of the hurricane before I realized he's drinking, he's enjoying it, and he's not home, and it's both awful, and it's awfuly obvious how awful it is.


I know you wanted to show him the packed up car, and have him ask you to stay.

Do you really want him to beg you to stay? Is he in enough control of his life for the two of you to be happy this week?

Last edited by covington; 07-08-2009 at 10:04 PM.
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Old 07-08-2009, 09:49 PM
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KittyTet, I notice you haven't posted for a while. I hope you're doing ok!!
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Old 07-09-2009, 06:35 AM
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Update: 7/8/09

As sandradawg pointed out, I haven't posted in a while. Here is what has transpired:

I did end up driving back to the house Monday evening with my car still packed. However, he did not come home. He used the situation as yet another excuse to stay in Columbus and drink again. I wasn't surprised that he used this as an excuse to drink, I just simply could not get over the fact that he was blatantly choosing THEM over his wife and marriage. Not only that, but I started thinking about all the worst case scenarios and became frightened that he may even get sucked into THEIR habits and try drugs. After a big freak out, though, I had my own moment of clarity. I slept at the house that night for the sake of my three dogs (we have no human children, btw), but the next day (yesterday) I left knowing that I wouldn't be home that evening.

I should also mention that Tuesday night (his second night of relapse), after going back and forth with him over text messages and finally a phone conversation I got tired of him trying to rationalize everything, defending his "support group", and trying to turn everything around to make it look like I was leaving because I'm selfish. So, I finally just said, "Look, you are obviously so devoted to those people you are with that you cannot see the forest for the trees. You are an extremely intelligent man, though, so I know eventually you will see your situation for what it really is. However, because my #1 goal has been to help you with your recovery and you are now making a decision that is hurting those efforts, I simply cannot support your decision. Furthermore, I refuse to sit at home alone while you continue to leave me to be with those people. I am not your mother and I would never tell you that you CAN'T be friends with them. Your decisions are yours to make, so if you honestly believe that you still NEED those people, then that's where you need to be. I am not leaving because I no longer support you. I am not leaving because I'm angry or disappointed in your relapse. I am not leaving because I no longer love you. I love you will all my heart. I never wanted to leave you and I still do not want to leave now, but this situation is FORCING me to leave. I have to, for my own sanity." With that, I hung up and took the phone off the hook.

He called a lot yesterday and I finally decided to take his call simply because I needed to know if he was going to come home so I could make a decision about what to do with my dogs. He said he was driving home and he sounded awful. I asked what was wrong and he said, "Everything. I am really trying to find a reason not to end my life right now." Not to sound cold hearted, but I had predicted the suicide threat already and I wasn't surprised. I'm not saying that I don't take him seriously, but whenever he feels like he's being backed into a corner I usually get a threat of either suicide or relapse. He'd already relapsed, so I got suicide this time. I replied by saying, "This is why you really should have a Sponsor." He said, "Please, PLEASE do not talk about Sponsors or any of that AA stuff right now. That's all I've been talking about for days. Just talk to me about something nice." I was quiet for a long time and finally said, "I don't know what else I can say at this point." That's when his call waiting beeped in and he actually had the nerve to say, "Oh, hold on. Let me call you back. I HAVE to take this." I was 100% certain that the call was from one of the Columbus people, so when we hung up I simply turned off my ringer. He had put them before me for the last time.

I ignored probably 50 phone calls and text messages from him for the remainder of the day. I stopped by my house, let the dogs out and gave them plenty of food and water for the night, then I went to my Dad's. I felt horrible about leaving the girls (dogs), though, because if my husband wasn't going to be home then they wouldn't be able to go back out to use the bathroom until I returned the next morning. Still, I didn't want to run the risk of my AH coming home, so I left.

Well, the last time I talked to my AH he asked if I was going to be home because he didn't feel like he should be alone. Again, I recommended he go to a local AA meeting and get some phone numbers. He said he really didn't want to be with strangers tonight, he wanted to be with someone familiar. Half-jokingly I said, "Well, since I'm not going to be home you can invite one of your Columbus friends down. How about Kerri? Invite her over." He didn't get the sarcasm, though, and replied, "She can't. She's got some other stuff going on tonight." Well, that just told me he was still planning to stay in contact with those people and solidified my decision to stay at my Dad's.

My AH ended up staying in Athens last night with another man he'd met while he was in rehab, "Preacher" (that's what my AH calls him because he's a preacher). Preacher entered rehab right before my AH was discharged and he's not really a part of the other Columbus group of friends. Again, he lives in Athens, not Columbus, and Preacher just got out of rehab a couple weeks ago. I'm only saying this to identify the man for you guys, not to make it sound like I approve of my husband staying with him. I still think he should have come HOME, gone to an AA meeting and gotten a Sponsor.

Anyway, he texted me a few times last night, but I didn't reply. He told me he loved me in one, that he needed me more than ever in another, but most of the texts were basically just telling me what he was up to. One said he was fishing with Preacher, then another said they were picking herbs and veggies from the garden to go with the fish, etc. At 1:40 AM, though, I got a message that said, "Relapse begets relapse. I have overcome that horrible fear through help from these people. I feel at peace at this moment, so let me carry that into our life if you will still have me."

I know he's lost and just trying to figure out who he is right now, but it's like he's in an amoeba phase or something. He just keeps taking the shape of the people he's with at the moment. I don't believe for one second that he figured out all his problems after spending just one evening with this Preacher. Furthermore, when he said, "through the help of these people," I don't know if he meant the people he was with last night, or the people from Columbus. Either way, I'm not buying it. I don't blame him or anything. Like I said, I know he's just trying to find himself right now, but I'm still not coming home.

Before I'll be ready to come home, I want him to learn how to stand on his own two feet. I want him to learn how to make GOOD decisions. In my opinion, he needs to come home, find an AA group that he wants to make his Home Group, and then find a Sponsor. He needs to start viewing HOME as his source of peace, support and security. He needs the help of professionals and a Sponsor who has maintained sobriety for a number of years, NOT other recovering addicts who are just as confused as he is. Just because recovering addicts can relate to what he's going through DOES NOT qualify them to actually help him through his own recovery. I want my AH to figure all of this out on his OWN, though, without me having to tell him my opinions. If I tell him everything I just said here, he might view it as his instructions for getting me to come home rather than what he should be doing for his own benefit. And, of course, if things ever get rough he will always hold it ever my head as something I MADE him do. Not only that, but I want him to realize ON HIS OWN that the people in Columbus are no good for him. I want him to cut them off BECAUSE HE WANTS TO. If he does it just to win me over, then he will always hold that over my head, too.

So, that's basically the line I've drawn in the sand. Until he can show me through his actions that he is finally making good decisions and doing things for HIMSELF and his own recovery, I will continue to stay with my Dad.
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Old 07-09-2009, 06:48 AM
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Kitty, you are making some very tough but very self-protective decisions. I know this is a very hard time for you right now and I just wanted to send you a hug: :ghug3
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Old 07-09-2009, 09:21 AM
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Thank you, GiveLove. I'm starting to feel a little more numb about everything, but I don't know if that's good or bad. I just heard from a friend a moment ago who got a text message from my AH last night and in that message he said he might be staying with Preacher for a while. I understand him not wanting to come home to an empty house and be alone, but I still just can't get over him putting me so low on his priority list right now. I don't expect to be #1, by any means. His recovery should be #1, but my God! Can't I at least be #2 or #3? Hell, at this point I'd even settle for being #4!!! I have to wonder if he even realizes that this is what his actions are saying to me. He's NEVER intentionally hurt me this way before and I don't think he's even intending to hurt me now. In his mind, like I said above, he believes that staying with other recovering addicts fresh out of rehab is helpful for his recovery. So, he probably thinks I should be proud of his choice to stay with Preacher instead of the Columbus group and proud of the fact that he's still working on his recovery. He still just doesn't get it. He's not making me proud, he's breaking my heart.
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Old 07-09-2009, 09:28 AM
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I can relate to how you are feeling. My husband was always selfish. I (mistakenly) thought that once he stopped drinking, that would change. It didn't.

It sounds as though you are seeing things for what they are, even though they are not how you want them to be. Painful as it is, that is the shortest path through it.

((()))

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Old 07-09-2009, 09:35 AM
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Just wanted to offer you a big hug and wishes that you'll be able to decide what is best for you for the long term.
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Old 07-09-2009, 11:11 AM
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k, so...even though he went to rehab, he obviously hasn't hit bottom yet, Kittytet. His statements to you make that clear to me. As one who has been manipulated and subject to all kinds of excuses and rationalizations, I think I see what he's doing.

He's trying to convince you that these people in Columbus are good for him. They're not. He relapsed with them. But he wants to convince you, so you'll tolerate his keeping them in his life. you shouldn't tolerate that, nor should you believe his words but always trust his actions.

He'll use any words he thinks necessary to keep you on the chain. Guilting you by threatening suicide...telling you those people are good for him...making you think this Preacher dude somehow made him see the light.

This is why alcoholics break their promises. they tell you what they know you want to hear, but they have no intention of doing what they tell you, and when they find someone who's weak (and pls don't take offense at me using that word-I don't mean it in an insulting way-I am weak too) enough not to enforce boundaries, they'll keep doing it again and again and again.

They know your boundaries are paper-thin, cuz they've shredded them enough times before.

It's a crazy merrygoround dance that can only leave you shell-shocked and feeling battered in the end.

An alcoholic who posted up here said "we don't have relationships. We take hostages." Feeling like a hostage right about now? We've all been there. Stay strong.

**{Kittytet}}

Originally Posted by KittyTET View Post
As sandradawg pointed out, I haven't posted in a while. Here is what has transpired:

I did end up driving back to the house Monday evening with my car still packed. However, he did not come home. He used the situation as yet another excuse to stay in Columbus and drink again. I wasn't surprised that he used this as an excuse to drink, I just simply could not get over the fact that he was blatantly choosing THEM over his wife and marriage. Not only that, but I started thinking about all the worst case scenarios and became frightened that he may even get sucked into THEIR habits and try drugs. After a big freak out, though, I had my own moment of clarity. I slept at the house that night for the sake of my three dogs (we have no human children, btw), but the next day (yesterday) I left knowing that I wouldn't be home that evening.

I should also mention that Tuesday night (his second night of relapse), after going back and forth with him over text messages and finally a phone conversation I got tired of him trying to rationalize everything, defending his "support group", and trying to turn everything around to make it look like I was leaving because I'm selfish. So, I finally just said, "Look, you are obviously so devoted to those people you are with that you cannot see the forest for the trees. You are an extremely intelligent man, though, so I know eventually you will see your situation for what it really is. However, because my #1 goal has been to help you with your recovery and you are now making a decision that is hurting those efforts, I simply cannot support your decision. Furthermore, I refuse to sit at home alone while you continue to leave me to be with those people. I am not your mother and I would never tell you that you CAN'T be friends with them. Your decisions are yours to make, so if you honestly believe that you still NEED those people, then that's where you need to be. I am not leaving because I no longer support you. I am not leaving because I'm angry or disappointed in your relapse. I am not leaving because I no longer love you. I love you will all my heart. I never wanted to leave you and I still do not want to leave now, but this situation is FORCING me to leave. I have to, for my own sanity." With that, I hung up and took the phone off the hook.

He called a lot yesterday and I finally decided to take his call simply because I needed to know if he was going to come home so I could make a decision about what to do with my dogs. He said he was driving home and he sounded awful. I asked what was wrong and he said, "Everything. I am really trying to find a reason not to end my life right now." Not to sound cold hearted, but I had predicted the suicide threat already and I wasn't surprised. I'm not saying that I don't take him seriously, but whenever he feels like he's being backed into a corner I usually get a threat of either suicide or relapse. He'd already relapsed, so I got suicide this time. I replied by saying, "This is why you really should have a Sponsor." He said, "Please, PLEASE do not talk about Sponsors or any of that AA stuff right now. That's all I've been talking about for days. Just talk to me about something nice." I was quiet for a long time and finally said, "I don't know what else I can say at this point." That's when his call waiting beeped in and he actually had the nerve to say, "Oh, hold on. Let me call you back. I HAVE to take this." I was 100% certain that the call was from one of the Columbus people, so when we hung up I simply turned off my ringer. He had put them before me for the last time.

I ignored probably 50 phone calls and text messages from him for the remainder of the day. I stopped by my house, let the dogs out and gave them plenty of food and water for the night, then I went to my Dad's. I felt horrible about leaving the girls (dogs), though, because if my husband wasn't going to be home then they wouldn't be able to go back out to use the bathroom until I returned the next morning. Still, I didn't want to run the risk of my AH coming home, so I left.

Well, the last time I talked to my AH he asked if I was going to be home because he didn't feel like he should be alone. Again, I recommended he go to a local AA meeting and get some phone numbers. He said he really didn't want to be with strangers tonight, he wanted to be with someone familiar. Half-jokingly I said, "Well, since I'm not going to be home you can invite one of your Columbus friends down. How about Kerri? Invite her over." He didn't get the sarcasm, though, and replied, "She can't. She's got some other stuff going on tonight." Well, that just told me he was still planning to stay in contact with those people and solidified my decision to stay at my Dad's.

My AH ended up staying in Athens last night with another man he'd met while he was in rehab, "Preacher" (that's what my AH calls him because he's a preacher). Preacher entered rehab right before my AH was discharged and he's not really a part of the other Columbus group of friends. Again, he lives in Athens, not Columbus, and Preacher just got out of rehab a couple weeks ago. I'm only saying this to identify the man for you guys, not to make it sound like I approve of my husband staying with him. I still think he should have come HOME, gone to an AA meeting and gotten a Sponsor.

Anyway, he texted me a few times last night, but I didn't reply. He told me he loved me in one, that he needed me more than ever in another, but most of the texts were basically just telling me what he was up to. One said he was fishing with Preacher, then another said they were picking herbs and veggies from the garden to go with the fish, etc. At 1:40 AM, though, I got a message that said, "Relapse begets relapse. I have overcome that horrible fear through help from these people. I feel at peace at this moment, so let me carry that into our life if you will still have me."

I know he's lost and just trying to figure out who he is right now, but it's like he's in an amoeba phase or something. He just keeps taking the shape of the people he's with at the moment. I don't believe for one second that he figured out all his problems after spending just one evening with this Preacher. Furthermore, when he said, "through the help of these people," I don't know if he meant the people he was with last night, or the people from Columbus. Either way, I'm not buying it. I don't blame him or anything. Like I said, I know he's just trying to find himself right now, but I'm still not coming home.

Before I'll be ready to come home, I want him to learn how to stand on his own two feet. I want him to learn how to make GOOD decisions. In my opinion, he needs to come home, find an AA group that he wants to make his Home Group, and then find a Sponsor. He needs to start viewing HOME as his source of peace, support and security. He needs the help of professionals and a Sponsor who has maintained sobriety for a number of years, NOT other recovering addicts who are just as confused as he is. Just because recovering addicts can relate to what he's going through DOES NOT qualify them to actually help him through his own recovery. I want my AH to figure all of this out on his OWN, though, without me having to tell him my opinions. If I tell him everything I just said here, he might view it as his instructions for getting me to come home rather than what he should be doing for his own benefit. And, of course, if things ever get rough he will always hold it ever my head as something I MADE him do. Not only that, but I want him to realize ON HIS OWN that the people in Columbus are no good for him. I want him to cut them off BECAUSE HE WANTS TO. If he does it just to win me over, then he will always hold that over my head, too.

So, that's basically the line I've drawn in the sand. Until he can show me through his actions that he is finally making good decisions and doing things for HIMSELF and his own recovery, I will continue to stay with my Dad.
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Old 07-09-2009, 11:51 AM
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Another Update

Okay, so we've talked twice now. He is on his way home, but he was telling me that he really needed me to be there because it would be really bad for him to be by himself. I reminded him of my reasons for feeling like I cannot be there. He, of course, argued that the Columbus people are not bad for him and are not hurting his recovery efforts. Any time that I pointed out that they drank with him, his only reply was, "It wasn't like that. You just don't understand," yet he would offer no further explanation (because there isn't any).

I explained, very matter-of-factly, that if he truly believes that those people HELP him with his recovery efforts, then he should continue to hang out with them. I told him that I disagree with him strongly enough that I feel that I have to leave because I can't condone his decision. I told him that if he proves me wrong in the future and has a very successful recovery then I will be THRILLED and it will totally change my mind about whether or not he has made the right decision. However, my stance right now is that if he continues to turn to this group of people, and ONLY this group of people, for help and advice about getting through recovery, he will continue to suffer relapse after relapse after relapse. He tried to argue his points again, but I said, "I'm not going to see this your way and you are not going to see it my way. We are going to make each other miserable trying to change each other's minds, and THAT is why we can't live together right now."

Then, later he said, "Okay, I get it. I will stop talking to the people in Columbus...", but then I said, "Don't you dare. Do NOT cut them off just because you think that's what it will take to bring me home. In fact, if you do that I definitely will not come home. I don't want you to always resent me because you gave up a group of people that you considered to be so great. I meant it when I said that if you believe they are what you need, then you need to be with them."

Then, he was like, "Well then what am I supposed to do? I can't be alone right now, Court. Your timing is terrible. I can't just go home to an empty house and just sit with the dogs. I need someone to be with me." I said, "Well, then find somebody to be with you." He asked who and I wanted to yell, "A SPONSOR!!!!", but he's just playing games at this point. He knows what he should be doing and what he should have done when he first got home from rehab. I finally did suggest getting a Sponsor, though, for the millionth time, and he said, "Yeah, like some stranger is just going to come over to my house and hang out with me all night." I said, "Why does it have to be at our house?" He said, "Well, where else would we go?"

I mean, really? Does he really want me to spell out every little detail of what he already knows he should do just so he can dispute it? I wouldn't do that, though. I told him he already knows all these answers.

I have to admit, it is really difficult when he tells me he needs somebody to be with him right now because I WANT to be with him. I just can't. It's more important to me that he figure out what's helpful and what's harmful for him at this point.
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Old 07-09-2009, 12:45 PM
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Kitty-
I am coming into this thread late--but I wanted to say--I hear a lot of "I need" coming from you and I think that is great. It is good that you are looking at what will make you happy and are trying to stay out of his mess--and it is his mess, not yours.

AH also uses the blame game all the time and the suicide threats are there too. Heaping guilt upon guilt upon guilt is an easy way to avoid taking responsibility for your own behavior. He is focusing on what he wants you to do. He wants to control what you do and is being manipulative to get it. You are focusing on what you need to do. He is focusing on what he wants. It sounds like your needs are pretty low on his list. It is not selfish to take care of yourself. It is not your job to take care of him and you gave him an answer to his question--you need someone--a sponsor is who you need. But that was not the answer he wanted. Perhaps I am jaded from my own experience, but a sponsor will see thruogh all his stuff and he is hoping you will not. You are a much better choice for him than a sponsor and he knows why. He is back to denial.

My heart goes out to you and lots of hugs and good thoughts are sent your way.
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Old 07-09-2009, 01:11 PM
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Thank you, Wife2Kids. I believe you are right, he back to denial.

Well, he is home now. He just stopped by my studio where I work. I was afraid at first that he would beg me to come home, but instead he was actually kind of pleasant. He did say, "I can't believe you're just done with me," but I assured him that I am not "done" with him. He told me he appreciates all that I've done for him. Then we both said "I love you", gave a big hug and a kiss and then he said he was going to go see the dogs. That was it! It was like he accepted the fact that I wasn't coming home. It was almost too easy, though. When I actually go to my Dad's later, that's when I'll probably get the angry/begging phone call.
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Old 07-09-2009, 01:46 PM
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Gosh, still blaming you, still expecting you to save him, still manipulating your feelings.
And still with no explanation for having spent two nights at another woman's apartment, and still no plans to pursue a program of recovery. Fascinating.

Glad you're sticking to your guns, Kitty. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
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Old 07-09-2009, 01:55 PM
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Originally Posted by Wife2Kids View Post
Heaping guilt upon guilt upon guilt is an easy way to avoid taking responsibility for your own behavior. He is focusing on what he wants you to do. He wants to control what you do and is being manipulative to get it. You are focusing on what you need to do. He is focusing on what he wants. It sounds like your needs are pretty low on his list. It is not selfish to take care of yourself. It is not your job to take care of him and you gave him an answer to his question--you need someone--a sponsor is who you need. But that was not the answer he wanted. Perhaps I am jaded from my own experience, but a sponsor will see thruogh all his stuff and he is hoping you will not. You are a much better choice for him than a sponsor and he knows why. He is back to denial.
I agree. If a person is serious about recovery, they don't need anyone to force them to seek recovery....they seek it out and nothing will get in their way. I know this, b/c this time last year, I realized that I was a codependant woman living with an alcoholic man and my life was a nightmare. I was so sick and tired of being sick and tired that I did whatever it took to change my life for the better. I started Alanon and therapy and began my journey of recovery and self discovery and haven't let anyone get in my way. I was committed to saving myself from the insanity of my own making. I had to make a lot of hard, excrutiatingly painful decisions that I didn't think I could endure at the time, but I did what I had to do to save myself.

Kitty,
Just keep replaying that tape in your mind..."Actions, not Words".:ghug
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Old 07-09-2009, 03:01 PM
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It's strange, but now that he's home it's actually starting to sink in how lonely and hurt I am. Don't worry, I'm not hinting about going back to him. I'm realizing more and more that I have made the right decision. It's just that the pain is starting to set in now.
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Old 07-09-2009, 03:08 PM
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I've heard that described as the something like the pain of a frozen limb as it thaws....long denied attention, it can come back with a vengeance.

But it doesn't last forever. Try to do something nurturing and nice for yourself today/tonight/tomorrow. As hard as it is, it's only keeping the focus on us, and on our own growth, that makes that pain lessen as time goes on.
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Old 07-09-2009, 04:14 PM
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hello kitty-

i'm glad you are staying at your dad's house and have a bit of time to decompress and let your feelings settle. there's really no point in trying to reason with an active alcoholic, as you are discovering. all your very reasonable and logical points are countered with confused foggy thinking. i know, for myself, i second guessed myself for a long, long time.

however, once i made my move and got a bit of space, i grew stronger in my own true rational feelings. i don't think this is really possible while living in the middle of a cyclone. and despite all my xABFs quacking, begging, pleading, threatening to kill himself, all of sudden, i could see it for what it was and held my newly found ground.

it's a journey. you take care of yourself and givelove is right, do something nice for yourself today.
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