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forgiving and forgetting

Old 06-20-2009, 03:53 PM
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forgiving and forgetting

The truth is my AH expects me forget everything that has happened, the threats, the name calling, all the hateful things that happened. He says I am living in the past and that it will never get better that way. The problem is, although I can forgive him, forgetting is another thing....it happened and I can't pretend that it didn't and I have an extreme fear that it will just go back to the way it was.....I don't seem to be able to express this to him, without him getting very angry.

Also, I was reading somewhere that persons with addiction seem egocentric - this I have noticed a ton...but I don't understand why? He expects me to do whatever he wants whenever he wants...we have children and I can't really take away from doing things with them to appease his every whim.....one is just a baby....what is this about....any thoughts?

Thanks for all the encouragement so far....still feeling pretty good....taking everything 1 day at a time~Thanks again!~
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Old 06-20-2009, 04:06 PM
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How long has he been in recovery?
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Old 06-20-2009, 04:46 PM
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My exah used to say and still says "that is in the past". It drives me nuts. Ok, a one time behavior can be forgotten and put in the past but when you keep making the same mistakes over and over and tell your beloved 'that is in the past" its really degrading. You know he will do it again and again.
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Old 06-20-2009, 05:41 PM
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He stopped drinking 4 days ago.....
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Old 06-20-2009, 06:07 PM
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You said he stopped drinking four days ago. Is he going to AA meetings or did he just decide to quit drinking by himself without working any sort of program?

Yes, the past is the past .... but you have some pretty raw wounds. Four days without drinking does not obliterate memories or heal hurts or even come close to making amends.

Besides, it sounds to me like he's focused on you - as in YOUR side of the street - rather than focusing on his recovery - as in HIS side of the street.

I'd sure appreciate it if you could fill me in a little more. As I said, is he in A.A., has he tried to stop drinking before, has he always tried to stop on his own, has he been in a rehab, etc?

We're here to support you in any way we can. Please take a moment to read the stickes at the top of our forum, if you have not already done so.
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Old 06-20-2009, 06:18 PM
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Originally Posted by mentallyexh View Post
He says I am living in the past and that it will never get better that way. The problem is, although I can forgive him, forgetting is another thing....it happened and I can't pretend that it didn't and I have an extreme fear that it will just go back to the way it was
My AH said the same thing. Problem was the behavior kept repeating and my behavior slowly became nuts! I look at it this way. If I have a neighbor with a dog and every few weeks/months that dog goes crazy and becomes aggressive and charges me I will learn to keep away from that dog. I will keep away to keep myself safe.

I veiw AH the same way. I have enough experience with him to know he will in all likely hood repeat past behavior. I think it is Dr Phil that says, "The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior." I expect this because he has not worked at recovery and nothing changes if nothing changes. 4 days of not drinking is a drop in the bucket and his body is not even clear of the chemical changes alcohol produces not to mention all the work needed on his emotional/spiritual side. I know I too, had much work to do on myself to restore my own sanity and well being.

As for forgiveness I think forgiveness is for me...not for the other person. It is a process that allows me to let it go regardless of what the other person chooses to do. It allows me to release the bitterness, resentment, and emotional attachment/obsession and go to live my life in peace and joy.

Hope that helps.
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Old 06-20-2009, 06:21 PM
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He attended rehab years ago before we met....claimed they told him he wasn't really an alcoholic etc.....
He has tried to quit several times....always to slowly go back....
He is not attending and program just quitting cuz, "He can control it." Also...he is still making jokes like when i said it was hot, he said only 1 think can quench that thirst...laughing making a joke out of it all.
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Old 06-20-2009, 06:43 PM
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How long has he stayed dry before? Just curious.

So, he's not in any sort of recovery at all. Question is, what are you doing? Waiting maybe? That's what I did, waited and waited, until it made me physically ill. Not a fun way to live, for sure.

Lots of information here for you, in the sticky threads up above, and lots of help here in the forums.

Bottom line is, four days isn't the "past".
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Old 06-20-2009, 10:37 PM
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Originally Posted by mentallyexh View Post
claimed they told him he wasn't really an alcoholic .....

He has tried to quit several times....always to slowly go back....

He is not attending and program just quitting cuz, "He can control it."
So he doesn't believe he is "really" an alcoholic because he controls it. For a period of time, he controls it. Then he goes back. It's called alcoholism. And his denial is a large part of what oils the cogs that keep that addiction machine in motion.

He's self-centered, self-centered, and expects you to meet his expectations. That's what the disease is about. It's YOUR fault. It's YOUR problem. It's YOUR failure as a wife. Blah, blah, blah ... B-U-L-L.

I spent about four years trying to figure out my AH: "Why did he do that?" "Why did he say that then do something completely different?" "What did he mean when he said that to me?" "What did I do to make him so angry?" I discovered this was a total waste of my precious time, AND it also kept the focus off of the real bottom line: "What the heck is wrong with me?"

Then I got seriously into counseling and Al-Anon. I do not figure into the equation of my AH's disease. I found that having expectations of him acting like a "normie" was hurting me; not him.

Being manipulated and disrespected is something you do not deserve. Consider taking the opportunity to find out why you've arrived where you are today in your relationship.
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Old 06-20-2009, 11:52 PM
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Originally Posted by prodigal View Post
He's self-centered, self-centered, and expects you to meet his expectations. That's what the disease is about. It's YOUR fault. It's YOUR problem. It's YOUR failure as a wife. Blah, blah, blah ... B-U-L-L.

I spent about four years trying to figure out my AH: "Why did he do that?" "Why did he say that then do something completely different?" "What did he mean when he said that to me?" "What did I do to make him so angry?" I discovered this was a total waste of my precious time, AND it also kept the focus off of the real bottom line: "What the heck is wrong with me?"
.
Yep, yes, and exactly!
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