didn't know i married AH, now I feel trapped
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 28
didn't know i married AH, now I feel trapped
Thanks to anyone who reads. It feels good just to tell someone and not keep this to myself
I am married almost 1 1/2 years. I met my husband 3 years ago. We had a long distance relationship so I did not know he had a drinking problem because he did not drink while we were together. Now that we are living together I see the truth.
The problem is...now that we are married, he plans his life around drinking and ignores our relationship; It affects his health (he is overweight after gaining 40 lbs since we met); has high blood pressure (avg 155/90); and recently had a series of near fainting spells while driving (he has a driving job). He is the only bread winner.
I recently mentioned something to his mother when he ended up in the emergency room. But, I am too embarassed to share my dirty secret. His friends all have issues with alcohol, so I can't go to them. But they do see that our relationship is a joke because my husband is at the bar ALL the time by himself. When he is at home he sits in front of the computer and tv and drinks. Drinking makes him irritable and keeps him up at night, so his smart doctor has prescribe him a low dose of Xanax I am not sure if you know that it is dangerous to mix alcohol and Xanax. I told my husband but he doesn't care because he says his doctor prescribed it and I a no MD. But he did not tell the doctor the extent of his drinking.
I gave up my career in a big city because he lives in a remote town and he did not want to move (even though that was the agreement before we got married). I wanted to start my own business but have had no luck finding the right thing. So now I am dependent on him for my future.
When I try to reason with him to stop drinking he gets very angry and on a couple of occasions has told me to leave. Leave and go where? When i met him i had a lot of savings and a good paying job. Now my 401k is crap, my net worth is half.
In the mean time, when I met him he had nothing. I encouraged him to save, spent my money and his fixing his house up to something really beautiful. Over the last year, I was like his assistant and gofer, so that he could focus and do better at his job. He made $270K last year. A far cry from the $120K when met him.
I feel trapped. I feel tricked. He presented himself as a different person before we got married. Now he flatly refuses counseling, or refuses to work on our relationship. I am 46, not exactly young. It is a big deal to start over now.
What can I do??
I am trying to look for a job, but everything is 2 hours away. My dream is to have my own business. But I am overall just paralized to do anything. I feel frightened and depressed.
I am married almost 1 1/2 years. I met my husband 3 years ago. We had a long distance relationship so I did not know he had a drinking problem because he did not drink while we were together. Now that we are living together I see the truth.
The problem is...now that we are married, he plans his life around drinking and ignores our relationship; It affects his health (he is overweight after gaining 40 lbs since we met); has high blood pressure (avg 155/90); and recently had a series of near fainting spells while driving (he has a driving job). He is the only bread winner.
I recently mentioned something to his mother when he ended up in the emergency room. But, I am too embarassed to share my dirty secret. His friends all have issues with alcohol, so I can't go to them. But they do see that our relationship is a joke because my husband is at the bar ALL the time by himself. When he is at home he sits in front of the computer and tv and drinks. Drinking makes him irritable and keeps him up at night, so his smart doctor has prescribe him a low dose of Xanax I am not sure if you know that it is dangerous to mix alcohol and Xanax. I told my husband but he doesn't care because he says his doctor prescribed it and I a no MD. But he did not tell the doctor the extent of his drinking.
I gave up my career in a big city because he lives in a remote town and he did not want to move (even though that was the agreement before we got married). I wanted to start my own business but have had no luck finding the right thing. So now I am dependent on him for my future.
When I try to reason with him to stop drinking he gets very angry and on a couple of occasions has told me to leave. Leave and go where? When i met him i had a lot of savings and a good paying job. Now my 401k is crap, my net worth is half.
In the mean time, when I met him he had nothing. I encouraged him to save, spent my money and his fixing his house up to something really beautiful. Over the last year, I was like his assistant and gofer, so that he could focus and do better at his job. He made $270K last year. A far cry from the $120K when met him.
I feel trapped. I feel tricked. He presented himself as a different person before we got married. Now he flatly refuses counseling, or refuses to work on our relationship. I am 46, not exactly young. It is a big deal to start over now.
What can I do??
I am trying to look for a job, but everything is 2 hours away. My dream is to have my own business. But I am overall just paralized to do anything. I feel frightened and depressed.
Last edited by sosad2008; 05-23-2009 at 03:15 PM. Reason: grammar
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: massachusetts
Posts: 2,216
Oh Sosad, I am sad FOR you. Being the alcoholic in the family, I'm not the one to give advice. The only thing I could say is that until I was ready to give up alcohol, nothing my family said made a difference. That's the sadness of this disease. It wasn't that I didn't love them, unfortunately an addict's world gets smaller and smaller until it revolves ONLY around their drug of choice.
Why don't you try the "Friends and Family" forum. I'm sure you will receive a lot of support there.
((((((Hugs)))))
Seek
Why don't you try the "Friends and Family" forum. I'm sure you will receive a lot of support there.
((((((Hugs)))))
Seek
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Hey So Sad,
Sorry your are in this position. I know you must be scared from your post.
I dated an A for 4 years and we broke up about 6 months ago. One thing that I wish I had done a long time ago was to attend al anon and begin to understand what others in my postion did. There are threads at the top of the F and F forum that can help you understand the position you are in with an A.
You really are a smart woman to discover this issue early on. Many here have invested 20, 30 + years and had to walk away from that for their own sanity.
Have you talked with a therapist or been to al anon?
Miss
Sorry your are in this position. I know you must be scared from your post.
I dated an A for 4 years and we broke up about 6 months ago. One thing that I wish I had done a long time ago was to attend al anon and begin to understand what others in my postion did. There are threads at the top of the F and F forum that can help you understand the position you are in with an A.
You really are a smart woman to discover this issue early on. Many here have invested 20, 30 + years and had to walk away from that for their own sanity.
Have you talked with a therapist or been to al anon?
Miss
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
I went through what you are going through for the last few years, except it was to help my family. I moved from a bustling area surrounded by friends, gave up my own business to a tiny town about twenty miles outside of "nowhere". BFEgypt was the closest town. It was isolated. Spent all my savings building a house. No friends....rug pulled out from under me...no money...living with crazy abusive people....and the loneliness......I felt so stuck I thought with all of my heart I was grow old and die there, alone and unloved, from just a few years before surrounded by friends, having a successful business....
Same dynamic, lured there with false promises and then once I was -stuck- and all my money was gone the rug was pulled out from under me.
It was horrible. It was indescribably bad.
I left 8-9 months ago, from decision to "bolting" was under 72 hours. I left with no money, no job, and had to couch surf, look for work, and store my stuff under a friends porch.
Here's how it looked in October:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...60610-wow.html
Here's what it "looked like in December:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ke-plunge.html
Today I have a cute little house with a great yard, am seeing a wonderful girl, have a job that almost pays the bills (hah!) but seriously, I have been where you are. Darkest time in my life. Leaving was the scariest thing I ever did.....and the best.
It has been a slow process, but a rewarding one.
I will never give my "power" to another human being in my life....ever. This includes my family...hah! especially my family.
Expensive lesson, but well worth it.
I am 44.
If you have any questions please, feel free to PM me. I know how crazy making it is to be and feel so alone and trapped you feel you will never escape.
Please, keep posting.
Same dynamic, lured there with false promises and then once I was -stuck- and all my money was gone the rug was pulled out from under me.
It was horrible. It was indescribably bad.
I left 8-9 months ago, from decision to "bolting" was under 72 hours. I left with no money, no job, and had to couch surf, look for work, and store my stuff under a friends porch.
Here's how it looked in October:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...60610-wow.html
Here's what it "looked like in December:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ke-plunge.html
Today I have a cute little house with a great yard, am seeing a wonderful girl, have a job that almost pays the bills (hah!) but seriously, I have been where you are. Darkest time in my life. Leaving was the scariest thing I ever did.....and the best.
It has been a slow process, but a rewarding one.
I will never give my "power" to another human being in my life....ever. This includes my family...hah! especially my family.
Expensive lesson, but well worth it.
I am 44.
If you have any questions please, feel free to PM me. I know how crazy making it is to be and feel so alone and trapped you feel you will never escape.
Please, keep posting.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 22
Hi So Sad,
I can only imagine how lonely you feel in a remote town after giving up your career and YOUR life for this. Is there Al-Anon in your area? Do you have any interests or things that make YOU happy?
I'm so sorry you feel trapped. I think I would feel scared and depressed too. But from what you've said, I see a gal that knows how to be self-sufficient! If nothing else is keeping you in that town, why not take a job 2 hours away? Not that jobs love you back, but they can certainly be something that you can take pride in and make you feel better about your own financial security.
And I agree with MissFixit, you are young!! (Of course I have to say that since we are the same age! LOL)
I can only imagine how lonely you feel in a remote town after giving up your career and YOUR life for this. Is there Al-Anon in your area? Do you have any interests or things that make YOU happy?
I'm so sorry you feel trapped. I think I would feel scared and depressed too. But from what you've said, I see a gal that knows how to be self-sufficient! If nothing else is keeping you in that town, why not take a job 2 hours away? Not that jobs love you back, but they can certainly be something that you can take pride in and make you feel better about your own financial security.
And I agree with MissFixit, you are young!! (Of course I have to say that since we are the same age! LOL)
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
I doubt if any of us really knew what we were getting into when we got involved.
You've invested in this marriage, and you'll have some losses, BUT there is always tomorrow and new opportunities around each corner. All you need to do is set out and get them!
You've invested in this marriage, and you'll have some losses, BUT there is always tomorrow and new opportunities around each corner. All you need to do is set out and get them!
Guest
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,049
My heart goes out to you Sosad. I know that feeling of being stuck, for different reasons, but it becomes all consuming and sucks what little is left, out of you.
You say you have been married for a year and a half. To be blunt...I would cut my losses and pack up. You didn't know your husband to be was an alcoholic which brings with it a whole myriad of behaviors, but you know now and you are seeing and feeling first hand what your life with him is and it won't get better as he continues to drink.
I wish you peace and resolution soon and find that spirit you had before all this happened and create that life for yourself again. You can do this.
You say you have been married for a year and a half. To be blunt...I would cut my losses and pack up. You didn't know your husband to be was an alcoholic which brings with it a whole myriad of behaviors, but you know now and you are seeing and feeling first hand what your life with him is and it won't get better as he continues to drink.
I wish you peace and resolution soon and find that spirit you had before all this happened and create that life for yourself again. You can do this.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
Originally Posted by sosad2008 
I feel trapped. I feel tricked. He presented himself as a different person before we got married. Now he flatly refuses counseling, or refuses to work on our relationship. I am 46, not exactly young. It is a big deal to start over now.
What can I do??
I am trying to look for a job, but everything is 2 hours away. My dream is to have my own business. But I am overall just paralized to do anything. I feel frightened and depressed.
What can I do??
I am trying to look for a job, but everything is 2 hours away. My dream is to have my own business. But I am overall just paralized to do anything. I feel frightened and depressed.
Finally, my HP (higher power) did for me what I couldn't do for myself (a humiliating and heart-breaking event) and I woke up and decided to get healthy. Except at first I didn't know that is what I was doing. I just had enough of being emotionally abused by him and by myself.
What I did to help me become un-paralized was to start individual counseling, attend Alanon and read their literature like "How Alanon Works", and read around this board , and other books such as Codependent No More. In the meantime I started rebuilding my life... I feel happy now a lot of the time!!
I was 46 at the time and am now 49 and still working on my journey of self discovery, self care, and self love.Welcome Sosad, pull up a chair and make yourself at home because you are among friends.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Dear Sosad, yes you have been sucked in to a painful and costly situation and believe me I, and lots of others here know what that does to us.
I wish I could say something hopeful to you, but I honestly can't do that. I fear that what lies ahead in this "marriage" is only more of what is now, and the almost certain outlook of it getting even worse for you.
You went into this with high hopes and these have been dashed from the start.
It is only you who can decide what you need and want to do to get your SELF out of this situation, and how and when you will act.
May I suggest you seek legal advice and see what you can salvage financially, and then go from there.
I hope you do whatever you can to get away from such a lonely, painful and soul destroying way of life. I did it finally at 47.
God bless
I wish I could say something hopeful to you, but I honestly can't do that. I fear that what lies ahead in this "marriage" is only more of what is now, and the almost certain outlook of it getting even worse for you.
You went into this with high hopes and these have been dashed from the start.
It is only you who can decide what you need and want to do to get your SELF out of this situation, and how and when you will act.
May I suggest you seek legal advice and see what you can salvage financially, and then go from there.
I hope you do whatever you can to get away from such a lonely, painful and soul destroying way of life. I did it finally at 47.
God bless
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Time to seek out legal help sosad, the situation won't get any better I'm afraid. I know about that paralyzed feeling, very well.
I still have it on occasion, and I'm no longer living with my AH.
Keep posting and let us know how you're doing, we do care very much.
I still have it on occasion, and I'm no longer living with my AH.
Keep posting and let us know how you're doing, we do care very much.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: anderson, sc
Posts: 14
Wheter you work things out or not, the most important thing you can do is regain your independence! Find a job, any job that you can- if its 2 hours a way then maybe it can just be temporary, but as long as you depend on him financially, it will completely cloud your judgement on everything.
(I'm there, AH has supported me since we dated, now he has drank us both to the poorhouse and I am having to start over-completely)
Good luck!
(I'm there, AH has supported me since we dated, now he has drank us both to the poorhouse and I am having to start over-completely)
Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 207
I do understand what you mean about getting older & hard to start over again! I am 51 years old, divorced 5 years ago from a 23 year marriage. When I met ABF 4 years ago, I thought "YES.....FINALLY".......lol.......it ended up being WORSE than XHB. It's been tough...the age thing really messes me up...I keep thinking I'll NEVER be married or happy again, I'm too old etc.
Alonon and this board has helped me alot, though. And I just talked to a friend today, her sister is dying from cancer.....she's only 50 years old........so after hearing that, I think my life is pretty darn good. Not easy, and the alcoholism really screwed my head up.....but God DOES have a plan for us, we just have to TRUST.
Alonon and this board has helped me alot, though. And I just talked to a friend today, her sister is dying from cancer.....she's only 50 years old........so after hearing that, I think my life is pretty darn good. Not easy, and the alcoholism really screwed my head up.....but God DOES have a plan for us, we just have to TRUST.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Pittsburgh PA
Posts: 79
I too understand your feelings. When I married my AH, it had been a long distance relationship also. After we were married, I noticed that he always had to have his wine at the house. We could never be without.. Back then I remembered thinking that it was a priority. Yes, we both liked to party back then but I did recall his always needing to have it around. Well, 24 years later, and still married, he finally I think bottomed out. Last week was so sick, went to doctors and is withdrawing right now as we speak at home on medication. He also went for blood work so we will see just how his liver is. 18 years ago, he went into a full house rehab...so much for that as he has drank on and off for years thereafter. I also have 2 kids. It has caught up with him healthwise. Yes, I have to agree, no begging talking to or anything will get him to stop, he has to be the one to do it. The alcohol takes over and becomes their best friend or so they think.
As for myself looking back, I should have left AH but did not. I used to work as well and left my job 9 years ago (big mistake I now know) as he lost his job back in Nov. 08 and is now self employed...not quite what he used to have. Anyway, I am hoping he will make it this time as I know I will not accept it anymore if he does not, I believe I am older and wiser now. Unfortunately it has taken me this long to realize the true seariousness of this horrible progressive disease.
Keep coming back here, its a great place for support. Good luck and only you know what you should truly do. Its in your heart, listen to it.
As for myself looking back, I should have left AH but did not. I used to work as well and left my job 9 years ago (big mistake I now know) as he lost his job back in Nov. 08 and is now self employed...not quite what he used to have. Anyway, I am hoping he will make it this time as I know I will not accept it anymore if he does not, I believe I am older and wiser now. Unfortunately it has taken me this long to realize the true seariousness of this horrible progressive disease.
Keep coming back here, its a great place for support. Good luck and only you know what you should truly do. Its in your heart, listen to it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Paralysis can be overcome one little baby step at a time.
Make a little plan and stick to it, even if you can only make one small step each day.
It's great you're looking for work. That will be the biggest help in regaining your freedom.
Don't think ahead so much and catastrophize, and don't focus on your age for heaven's sakes!! If I am living in fear at 42 it's only going to get worse so I better accept and embrace each day! It's great to be 42 or 49 or 55 or 75....as my Gramps used to say "there are plenty of people in the cemetery who would love to be complaining about their age."
In reality you are not trapped sosad. The past is gone -- you are free in this moment.
If thinking about your age and your possible future relationships is contributing to your paralysis then don't think about that - think about the things that keep you moving ahead - like how far away you want to get from this relationship which sounds miserable - much, much, much more miserable than being on your own!! In choosing your thoughts you create your reality - you CAN do this - one day and one step at a time!!
(((((((hugs)))))))
peace,
b
Make a little plan and stick to it, even if you can only make one small step each day.
It's great you're looking for work. That will be the biggest help in regaining your freedom.
Don't think ahead so much and catastrophize, and don't focus on your age for heaven's sakes!! If I am living in fear at 42 it's only going to get worse so I better accept and embrace each day! It's great to be 42 or 49 or 55 or 75....as my Gramps used to say "there are plenty of people in the cemetery who would love to be complaining about their age."
In reality you are not trapped sosad. The past is gone -- you are free in this moment.
If thinking about your age and your possible future relationships is contributing to your paralysis then don't think about that - think about the things that keep you moving ahead - like how far away you want to get from this relationship which sounds miserable - much, much, much more miserable than being on your own!! In choosing your thoughts you create your reality - you CAN do this - one day and one step at a time!!
(((((((hugs)))))))
peace,
b
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi sosad, if you have been out of your career for a couple of years, well it is not that bad at all, what makes you think you cannot recover it? of course you can!! You have showed you are a very intelligent lady, you have been independent before, and certainly you do not need anyone dragging you down.
I am so sorry you discovered the man you are in love with is diseased. Remember this disease is chronic and progressive. As you may already know. It is uncertain if he will recover or not.
You did not cause his problem
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it
And you should not cooperate on his self destruction
I know I was heart broken too. From what I have seen it is really a blessing to discover this early, and not later. It still hurts but you have soooooooo much to look forward to in your life.
I moved to another city too and as we partied, I did not notice he was an AH until we lived together too. I could not believe he preferred a stupid Jack Daniels whiskey in exchange of ME and the good times. He is now with another AH drinking daily. He blamed me for everything - OK, I have found that is also part of his disease.
I moved out with a friend, then got a new place - that is WONDERFUL! I work. I am gaining some new friends that are so nice to me, and that are so special to me because they represent my new life. I see a therapist and she helps me be optimistic and realize my qualities.
She said some words I like "we are all seeing how we entertain ourselves before we die". Your life is precious and unique, and each day can be your very last day, it seems difficult but I can see you are not a woman that is OK with this situation... that you look for something different.
I have learned there is no love I can give if I do not love myself and that is what I am determined to do from now on. It took a lot of pain but after some time passes you will realize you are stronger than you think and that it was all a blessing in disguise, and you were given another chance at real happiness, away from addictions and sick people. Life with active addicted people is just not life.
I am so sorry you discovered the man you are in love with is diseased. Remember this disease is chronic and progressive. As you may already know. It is uncertain if he will recover or not.
You did not cause his problem
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it
And you should not cooperate on his self destruction
I know I was heart broken too. From what I have seen it is really a blessing to discover this early, and not later. It still hurts but you have soooooooo much to look forward to in your life.
I moved to another city too and as we partied, I did not notice he was an AH until we lived together too. I could not believe he preferred a stupid Jack Daniels whiskey in exchange of ME and the good times. He is now with another AH drinking daily. He blamed me for everything - OK, I have found that is also part of his disease.
I moved out with a friend, then got a new place - that is WONDERFUL! I work. I am gaining some new friends that are so nice to me, and that are so special to me because they represent my new life. I see a therapist and she helps me be optimistic and realize my qualities.
She said some words I like "we are all seeing how we entertain ourselves before we die". Your life is precious and unique, and each day can be your very last day, it seems difficult but I can see you are not a woman that is OK with this situation... that you look for something different.
I have learned there is no love I can give if I do not love myself and that is what I am determined to do from now on. It took a lot of pain but after some time passes you will realize you are stronger than you think and that it was all a blessing in disguise, and you were given another chance at real happiness, away from addictions and sick people. Life with active addicted people is just not life.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
If I was in your shoes (which I know I am not) I would take part of my 401 k and use it to restart my life. Money and things can be replaced but life is precious and good and cannot be replaced.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 28
Dear new friends,
After pouring out my heart in my first post and hitting the send button, it seemed nothing happened and my post got lost in the world wide web...
When I came back tonight and saw my post made it...and that others had obviously read it and replied, I broke down and cried and sobbed. Finally, I can confide the whole truth to someone and they understand exactly what I am going through too! THANK YOU SO MUCH. Thank you to all of you who take the time to hear me and write. It is amazing that sometimes these experiences are so similar.
After reading your responses, I feel more strongly that I should not accept this life. I feel a lot stronger than I did a few days ago. My problem is I also spend so much time on the house and not on myself.
My latest dilema now is, his GP recently prescribed Xanax (a low dose) to help with his anxiety. His doctor knows it is related to his drinking, but my husband did not tell him the extent of the drinking. I don't know if you know Xanax is quite addictive and Xanax and alcohol can be dangerous. Xanax is sometimes prescribed to alcoholics who are withdrawing, but not those who are abusing it. I plan to make an appointment to talk to the doctor to tell him the truth about the drinking in the hopes he will stop the Xanax. I can't tell my husband I am doing this of course.
Wish me luck...
After pouring out my heart in my first post and hitting the send button, it seemed nothing happened and my post got lost in the world wide web...
When I came back tonight and saw my post made it...and that others had obviously read it and replied, I broke down and cried and sobbed. Finally, I can confide the whole truth to someone and they understand exactly what I am going through too! THANK YOU SO MUCH. Thank you to all of you who take the time to hear me and write. It is amazing that sometimes these experiences are so similar.
After reading your responses, I feel more strongly that I should not accept this life. I feel a lot stronger than I did a few days ago. My problem is I also spend so much time on the house and not on myself.
My latest dilema now is, his GP recently prescribed Xanax (a low dose) to help with his anxiety. His doctor knows it is related to his drinking, but my husband did not tell him the extent of the drinking. I don't know if you know Xanax is quite addictive and Xanax and alcohol can be dangerous. Xanax is sometimes prescribed to alcoholics who are withdrawing, but not those who are abusing it. I plan to make an appointment to talk to the doctor to tell him the truth about the drinking in the hopes he will stop the Xanax. I can't tell my husband I am doing this of course.
Wish me luck...
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
sosad,
It's not up to you to speak to his doctor, it's up to him. Sure, you can go ahead and do it, but what do you hope to accomplish? You cannot control this, you didn't cause it, and you cannot change it. Period.
He's a grown adult, who is responsible for himself and his actions.
It's not up to you to speak to his doctor, it's up to him. Sure, you can go ahead and do it, but what do you hope to accomplish? You cannot control this, you didn't cause it, and you cannot change it. Period.
He's a grown adult, who is responsible for himself and his actions.
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