didn't know i married AH, now I feel trapped
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
It IS possible for you, sosad.
It is possible for all of us.
But some of us find that it may not be possible with our alcoholic loved ones. We simply cannot force them to be the person we need/want them to be. They make choices that take them away from us, and as sad as it is, there is nothing we can do to control that.
That does NOT mean that what we need doesn't exist, just that it doesn't exist in them any longer.
I'm so, so sorry. It makes us all really miserable and, well, it's one reason this place exists. But please know that happiness still exists for you - it just might not be where you thought it would be. Life is a big, big place with many joyous possibilities we can't begin to predict :ghug
It is possible for all of us.
But some of us find that it may not be possible with our alcoholic loved ones. We simply cannot force them to be the person we need/want them to be. They make choices that take them away from us, and as sad as it is, there is nothing we can do to control that.
That does NOT mean that what we need doesn't exist, just that it doesn't exist in them any longer.
I'm so, so sorry. It makes us all really miserable and, well, it's one reason this place exists. But please know that happiness still exists for you - it just might not be where you thought it would be. Life is a big, big place with many joyous possibilities we can't begin to predict :ghug
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 28
yes, but i just feel like giving up
it;s too hard, too complicated out there. i feel like i am almost where i was when i divorced my first husband 15 years ago:
-i had no career, and was not sure how i was going to support myself.
-i spent so many years to get somewhere, to have to do it again
-I will feel like a total failure to my family,
i will be a struggling fool again but this time i don't have the energy, drive, looks and body to be that hot-single-gogetter,
-and i JUST got MARRIED AGAIN--for crying out loud! It's suppose to be happy every after!!!!! Not this!!
i wish i could take the easy way out and just,,,die. But I found out, I really don't want to.
One time i drank lots of vodka on an empty stomach (i did it because i knew the one thing he hated was for me to get really drunk..Getting angry, leaving in the middle of the night, threatening to spend the night at my girlfriends, giving the silent treatment...was no longer having an effect.)
but it backfired when i got too drunk
i couldn't stand up. i just laid on the floor and even urinated in my pants
i woke up in the middle of the night and had to puke
i thought i was going to die from alcohol posening.
i almost called 911. i didn't mean to hurt myself. I wanted to hurt him and now was pretty scared i was going to die.
That was when i decided i don't want to die at all
I think it is time to call a shrink. I think I need help.
it;s too hard, too complicated out there. i feel like i am almost where i was when i divorced my first husband 15 years ago:
-i had no career, and was not sure how i was going to support myself.
-i spent so many years to get somewhere, to have to do it again
-I will feel like a total failure to my family,
i will be a struggling fool again but this time i don't have the energy, drive, looks and body to be that hot-single-gogetter,
-and i JUST got MARRIED AGAIN--for crying out loud! It's suppose to be happy every after!!!!! Not this!!
i wish i could take the easy way out and just,,,die. But I found out, I really don't want to.
One time i drank lots of vodka on an empty stomach (i did it because i knew the one thing he hated was for me to get really drunk..Getting angry, leaving in the middle of the night, threatening to spend the night at my girlfriends, giving the silent treatment...was no longer having an effect.)
but it backfired when i got too drunk
i couldn't stand up. i just laid on the floor and even urinated in my pants
i woke up in the middle of the night and had to puke
i thought i was going to die from alcohol posening.
i almost called 911. i didn't mean to hurt myself. I wanted to hurt him and now was pretty scared i was going to die.
That was when i decided i don't want to die at all
I think it is time to call a shrink. I think I need help.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
You're preaching to the choir here lemme tell you
I felt all of those things, trapped, too isolated, too old, too tired, too heavy, unsexy, weak, afraid, I didn't think I had one more "start over" left in me.
I was wrong.
It had gotten to the point where everything made me tired, I felt so trapped, weak and helpless
I am 44 years old and climbing frickin trees for a living right now FFS
It may be this lesson for me was to prove I still had all of these things. That I could still do these things.
If I could do this thing, anyone can, trust me on this.
I talk about leaving, I talk about what I went through, and I hear "but you don't understand" and "but I can't" from others.
I do understand, and the "but I can't" and "but I'm tired" were just a prison of my own mind.
You can do this.
Like Mikes sig says, you can choose to view this as an ending, or a beginning.
I felt all of those things, trapped, too isolated, too old, too tired, too heavy, unsexy, weak, afraid, I didn't think I had one more "start over" left in me.
I was wrong.
It had gotten to the point where everything made me tired, I felt so trapped, weak and helpless
I am 44 years old and climbing frickin trees for a living right now FFS
It may be this lesson for me was to prove I still had all of these things. That I could still do these things.
If I could do this thing, anyone can, trust me on this.
I talk about leaving, I talk about what I went through, and I hear "but you don't understand" and "but I can't" from others.
I do understand, and the "but I can't" and "but I'm tired" were just a prison of my own mind.
You can do this.
Like Mikes sig says, you can choose to view this as an ending, or a beginning.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
-I will feel like a total failure to my family,
Hi sosad2008.
What your family thinks or not about you is not under your control, either.
You always come first. Or, are you willing to stay with this man, just because what someone else might or might not think?
I have learned my "family" is not people that share my bloodline, but people that actually want the best for me and want to see me happy. For instance, an uncle who has had no respect for me or my mom in several instances - I can tell you, just as an example, that the poster GiveLove is much more a member of my family than he is!
Any other people, with prejudices, without empathy for me, without respect for my choices (in short: that do not love me) are people that I do no longer listen to. Its not they are not good people. They just do not add to my life, and after alcoholism touched my life my standards with people around me have gone much higher (well, they were non existant!)
You had NO WAY to prevent the future and someone else's actions. There may have been red flags. But what you knew then, prevented you from seeing them. Ok. That does not matter now. You did not cause this, you have never controlled it, and you can't cure him.
You are not failing your marriage. Your 50% is there. Your husband's 50% is clearly not there. It is not your fault.
Please keep on talking here or in Al Anon, and please seek a therapist. It is so frustrating when you talk and other people, untouched by alcoholism, do not understand. Please seek support from those of us who know exactly what you are going through.
Also, please remember that as a member of the human race, you will go through mourning stages - the first one being denial... and one day you will see all this under a totally different light, you will come to acceptance, you will be stronger, and you will find joy again and many times and in many other different flavours.
Just hang in there, you will make it, please do not isolate!! and reach out all you can, at this difficult time.
We are with you!!((((((hugs)))))))))
Hi sosad2008.
What your family thinks or not about you is not under your control, either.
You always come first. Or, are you willing to stay with this man, just because what someone else might or might not think?
I have learned my "family" is not people that share my bloodline, but people that actually want the best for me and want to see me happy. For instance, an uncle who has had no respect for me or my mom in several instances - I can tell you, just as an example, that the poster GiveLove is much more a member of my family than he is!
Any other people, with prejudices, without empathy for me, without respect for my choices (in short: that do not love me) are people that I do no longer listen to. Its not they are not good people. They just do not add to my life, and after alcoholism touched my life my standards with people around me have gone much higher (well, they were non existant!)
You had NO WAY to prevent the future and someone else's actions. There may have been red flags. But what you knew then, prevented you from seeing them. Ok. That does not matter now. You did not cause this, you have never controlled it, and you can't cure him.
You are not failing your marriage. Your 50% is there. Your husband's 50% is clearly not there. It is not your fault.
Please keep on talking here or in Al Anon, and please seek a therapist. It is so frustrating when you talk and other people, untouched by alcoholism, do not understand. Please seek support from those of us who know exactly what you are going through.
Also, please remember that as a member of the human race, you will go through mourning stages - the first one being denial... and one day you will see all this under a totally different light, you will come to acceptance, you will be stronger, and you will find joy again and many times and in many other different flavours.
Just hang in there, you will make it, please do not isolate!! and reach out all you can, at this difficult time.
We are with you!!((((((hugs)))))))))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 28
thank you taking charge and ago for being there for me and your words.
if i had no outlet, no person to speak to who would understand, i would be worst off. i am listening to your words.
today was too stressful for me. i feel like my body is shutting down on me. like my brain tripped the circuit=breaker. i feel like a ragdoll. i am just resting quietly right now. tomorrow, i will call a counselor/pschologist and make an appointment.
thank you
if i had no outlet, no person to speak to who would understand, i would be worst off. i am listening to your words.
today was too stressful for me. i feel like my body is shutting down on me. like my brain tripped the circuit=breaker. i feel like a ragdoll. i am just resting quietly right now. tomorrow, i will call a counselor/pschologist and make an appointment.
thank you
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Great sosad, I will be right there with you making an appointment with mine. I am very glad you are taking steps to recover and not shut down, that is what I did for months and I wish I had reached out as quickly as you are doing. Let us know how it went!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 28
okay. i am taking the advice that so many of you keep telling me. I am going to an Al Anon meeting today at noon.
after going to a bar yesterday instead of going to an important family gathering (that we arranged)..he came home (with a 12 pack beer) and said "something is wrong with me." he then fell asleep for over 4 hours. When he woke up he acted as if nothing happened and was obnoxious to me when i asked him (softly) what happened. this morning i noticed that he drank 9 beers (and took a xanax). It is nw 9:45 am. I came out of the guest bedroom and realized I was in the house by myself. I have no idea where he is. It IS a work day (he works from home). He has never left without somehow indicating he was leaving...even if we were really mad. His behavior is becoming crazy.
I called my girlfriend and she said i could come stay with her a while. Of course i am worried about what will happen to him. If only i didn't go to my sister and stayed over, he would not have overindulged in xanax/alcohol. and what about my garden that i have been slaving over for months. if i leave for a week, he won't water it and everything will die. all that hard work and money will be for nothing.
i am also going to make an appointment to see a counselor.
after going to a bar yesterday instead of going to an important family gathering (that we arranged)..he came home (with a 12 pack beer) and said "something is wrong with me." he then fell asleep for over 4 hours. When he woke up he acted as if nothing happened and was obnoxious to me when i asked him (softly) what happened. this morning i noticed that he drank 9 beers (and took a xanax). It is nw 9:45 am. I came out of the guest bedroom and realized I was in the house by myself. I have no idea where he is. It IS a work day (he works from home). He has never left without somehow indicating he was leaving...even if we were really mad. His behavior is becoming crazy.
I called my girlfriend and she said i could come stay with her a while. Of course i am worried about what will happen to him. If only i didn't go to my sister and stayed over, he would not have overindulged in xanax/alcohol. and what about my garden that i have been slaving over for months. if i leave for a week, he won't water it and everything will die. all that hard work and money will be for nothing.
i am also going to make an appointment to see a counselor.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by sosad2008 
I called my girlfriend and she said i could come stay with her a while. Of course i am worried about what will happen to him. If only i didn't go to my sister and stayed over, he would not have overindulged in xanax/alcohol. and what about my garden that i have been slaving over for months. if i leave for a week, he won't water it and everything will die. all that hard work and money will be for nothing.
As for your garden, I can see many more gardens in your future, when you have started healing and found yourself again!
What's more important right now-the garden, or your sanity, hon?
:ghug :ghug
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by heybonzachick
Wow! Very inspiring. I landed here over the weekend after finding myself in a similar situation. Need strength and courage to face this delima. I will keep reading on.
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