hopeangel

yeah barbara, read above, the attorney advised me to "wait it out" if it was a "tolerable" situation because of all the unknowns, the risk i'm taking, and what i could be stuck with because of the following.

ah not having steady work - not being able to rely on him to hold up his financial obligation - meaning i'd be stuck paying the mortgage completely on my own...if it is more than 30 days late it will hurt my credit.

the looming layoffs at my job - don't think i'll get laid off, but probably, most definitely will have to take a pay cut.

i have a lot of thinking to do tonight.......

hopeangel

for rationally seperating things. yes, it is much easier to think of it as a seperation, not divorcing right away. to give me time and space to figure out what i want.

Barbara52

I think I wasn't clear enough LTD. I have no idea if Hopeangel is even vaguely interested in divorce. My recommendation to see a divorce attorney is only to get information about whether there are any provisions in state law that could lead to her AH being forced to move so she doesn't have to, what each are obligated to do and pay for if they separate, etc. I am only suggesting she gather information that may help her reach her decision to separate or not.

Barbara52

I was under the impression that was an attorney you work with/know, not necessarily a divorce attorney who would be representing you. Does the attorne you talked to specialize in divorce/family law and have you hired them

LaTeeDa

This is one of my personality traits that I have to watch. I start thinking about the next step, and the one after that, and the one after that..........next thing you know, I haven't even taken the first step. And by that time, I'm too overwhelmed to even think about it anymore.

One thing at a time. Once you are moved in and out of the chaos, then you can decide what to do next. Try to keep the focus on the task at hand. (I know, easier said than done!)

L

FormerDoormat

No more excuses.

Feel the fear, and then do it anyway.

Kimmieh

I really think taking a financial risk is the less scary and more rewarding option. Frankly, I find it irresponsible for an attorney (or anyone) to advice someone to wait it out when there was abuse, especially physical abuse. My ABF's neighbor recently killed his girlfriend with a baseball bat and it is really haunting me because there are so many women who try to stick it out with an abuser because they want to help him and end up being mistreated and even killed.

When it comes to alcohol and drugs, actions are so unpredictable and when he has abused you before, he could very well do it again. By moving out, you could not only breathe and get the space to work on yourself, you are also safe.

Take care!

hopeangel

all very good points and making me feel better about the decision i need to make. i'm pretty much thought out for the night, but kim...

i wanted to say how very sorry i am about what happened to your neighbor -wow.

i know this is only something i could answer, but on the physical abuse...there has only been a couple of instances...do you think that makes it any less of something to worry about? once i actually called the police and he seems to know that i would now call again that stopped. i know i'm probably rationalizing here and understating the severity or potential danger, but just want to be clear that he has made improvements in that area along with the verbal and emotional abuse...

i came home and told him about the decision i have to make and offered him the chance to go to treatment, to which he said no and that i could go ahead and move. he also didn't think i was serious and that i can't do it because i can't afford it....

ToughChoices

He won't stop.
He would rather you leave him destitute and alone than stop drinking.

That is what he is telling you.
That is the truth.

What will you do with that truth?
There is obvious love in your post and your heart - I fear it is wasted on this man.

-TC

Ago

How many times before it's unacceptable behavior?

I'm unclear on the acceptable number of times physical abuse is permissible.

I'm sure, from what I've read concerning physical abuse, the last thought many many women ever had was, he would NEVER really hurt me, he's improving....

hopeangel

"There is obvious love in your post and your heart - I fear it is wasted on this man." thank you -that really touched me and i really needed to hear that.

-TC

LaTeeDa

Well, I guess that puts to rest the "giving him another chance" and the vows question.

So now you just have to decide if taking a financial risk is better than living with someone who doesn't care if you stay or go, doesn't have even a tiny desire to quit drinking, and only abuses you "occasionally."

L

hopeangel

in a bad situation.

thank you latee, i actually laughed at the "occasionally" comment. sounds so ridiculous doesn't it?

i had to laugh at some things at the therapist today too when we were talking about losses and i was talking about

the house, she just responded "is there not another house that you will love someday?"

about being alone and losing my partner and companion, she just responded " is it not possible that you will ever find another person to love you, another partner and companion?"

LaTeeDa

Change is always difficult, even when it's for the better. It's human nature to resist change. But I have found that when I go ahead and push through the fear, I feel so empowered afterward that's it's entirely worth it. I believe you will, too. You'll never know till you try it.

(((hopeangel)))

L

Freedom1990

Don't ever ever underestimate what someone can do to you if abuse has already been present.

I could write a novel on what I lived through, and I guarantee the hair would stand up on the back of your neck.

I clearly remember the night he completely lost it and had taken the bar off of a set of weights and was smashing in the kitchen cabinets.

I was standing in the living room thinking I was probably going to be next, that I probably should be scared but wasn't, and that I was in serious trouble.

That was one of his milder episodes.

hopeangel

you know freedom, you just reminded me of one instance that i totally forgot about, it's probably amazing the number of things you just "forget"...

the time we were arguing on the phone and he smashed his fist into the glass stovetop and shattered it to pieces...

could i say that went away because i don't argue with him anymore? the thing that i remember most was thinking that he was blaming me for it when i wasn't even in the house when he did it.

all stuff when you live through it you shove under the rug i guess.

LaTeeDa

I'm going to be honest here, hopeangel. You post on this board somewhat sporadically, sometimes with a month or two between posts. Every time you go silent, there is a part of me that wonders if you will ever be back. I truly believe that some members of this board do not post anymore because they are no longer with us. I have no proof of that, but I've seen desperate posts about abusive relationships and then........nothing. I'd like to believe that those women left and got out of the situation, but I know it's not likely.

So, can you do me a favor, if you decide not to leave, or even if you do--post a note once in awhile just to let me know you're okay. Cause I do worry about you. (I know, it's a codie thing, lol)

L

hopeangel

sure latee, i definitely should post more. it would be nice if when a member goes silent for a while they might just post saying that they might not be on the board for a while, but all is well.

FormerDoormat

It's entirely possible that some of those who no longer post on this board are no longer with us because they've chosen to take their own lives. People do this when their lives have become unmanageable and they convince themselves that they are out of options.

You are not out of options, but based on your dialog here, you're doing a fabulous job of convincing yourself that there are no options available to you.

As it says on the bottom of each post of mine, do you want to die while you're alive or do you want to live while you're alive? The decision is entirely up to you. I hope you make a decision soon.

LaTeeDa

Especially if that person is living with an abusive spouse.......