sos-decision time
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sos-decision time
well, talked to the landlord and there is another couple very interested in the apartment. she said she would let them know by saturday.
so i have to decide if i should take it or not.
it's the worst time. ah is completely broke. his checking account $300.00 overdrawn. he informed me that he was going to pay off a credit card of his and not pay the mortgage this month (i was welcome to pay it if i want). he was gonna pay the credit card first and then when and if he coud pay the mortgage he would. he hasn't been working, but has been working the last couple days. don't know how long the job will last. i put a call into him to see.
he has been going to church, but still drinking. he can hold out a couple of days, but that is it. he had a breakdown the other night -thought i might have to take him to the hospital - on the floor bawling.
if i could just hold out another month or two at least. the utilites are high because of winter time - $500.00 gas bill this month.
oh and did i mention they are laying off where i work? i do have senority so i don't think i will get laid off, but may have to take a pay cut - reduced work hours. so, things are extremely financely insecure right not.
i don't have any idea how i could support both the mortgage and rent. i'd truly be taking a huge risk. i have no idea when the house will sell.
i started seeing the new therapist. she put me on anti-depressants which is really helping.
please pray for me and him also in this hard time!!! please send prayers all. i truly don't know what to do.
so i have to decide if i should take it or not.
it's the worst time. ah is completely broke. his checking account $300.00 overdrawn. he informed me that he was going to pay off a credit card of his and not pay the mortgage this month (i was welcome to pay it if i want). he was gonna pay the credit card first and then when and if he coud pay the mortgage he would. he hasn't been working, but has been working the last couple days. don't know how long the job will last. i put a call into him to see.
he has been going to church, but still drinking. he can hold out a couple of days, but that is it. he had a breakdown the other night -thought i might have to take him to the hospital - on the floor bawling.
if i could just hold out another month or two at least. the utilites are high because of winter time - $500.00 gas bill this month.
oh and did i mention they are laying off where i work? i do have senority so i don't think i will get laid off, but may have to take a pay cut - reduced work hours. so, things are extremely financely insecure right not.
i don't have any idea how i could support both the mortgage and rent. i'd truly be taking a huge risk. i have no idea when the house will sell.
i started seeing the new therapist. she put me on anti-depressants which is really helping.
please pray for me and him also in this hard time!!! please send prayers all. i truly don't know what to do.
Getting to my HAPPY PLACE!
Join Date: Sep 2007
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:praying
Wow. I don't really have any advice other than to ask you what your gut tells you? Maybe the urgency of HAVING to decide so quick is your sign? I don't know. I'm sending all my good karma your way.
Wow. I don't really have any advice other than to ask you what your gut tells you? Maybe the urgency of HAVING to decide so quick is your sign? I don't know. I'm sending all my good karma your way.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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Since I can't come up with any new ways of saying the same old thing, I will simply quote what I posted in your last thread where you decided to set it up so that you would have to make a decision quickly. You are in this position because you chose to make it so.
Still sending you the positive thoughts and hoping that you will choose to come out of the fog soon.
L
I'm so sorry you have set yourself up in this way. This whole thread is about your inability to make a decision. Now, you've put yourself in a position not only of making a decision, but making a quick one. Sadly, when the time comes, I fear you will continue to rationalize and say there is no way you can make a decision of such monumental proportions so quickly.
Somewhere deep down inside, there is a part of you that fears making this decision. That is why you feel relief. You have successfully postponed dealing with that fear. Unfortunately, by postponing it, you have only made it a certainty that it will be back. They say the only way out is through. By refusing to face the fear head-on and go through it, it will remain to haunt you indefinitely. And the longer you let it control you, the more powerful it becomes.
Somewhere deep down inside, there is a part of you that fears making this decision. That is why you feel relief. You have successfully postponed dealing with that fear. Unfortunately, by postponing it, you have only made it a certainty that it will be back. They say the only way out is through. By refusing to face the fear head-on and go through it, it will remain to haunt you indefinitely. And the longer you let it control you, the more powerful it becomes.
L
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Join Date: Dec 2006
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strange reaction
right now i'm just kinda sitting here at work kinda numb. i'm not as panicked or on the verge of tears like i thought i'd be. i am if i think too much about it, but i shut it off quickly. i'm just kinda indifferent - going about my work like i don't have this big decision to make.
i knew i set it up this way and that the day was coming.
i knew i set it up this way and that the day was coming.
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I will say this. I have weathered some pretty tough financial times. I had a car repossessed once, and have filed bankruptcy. I would happily choose to go through either of those things again rather than live with an alcoholic.............
L
L
Getting to my HAPPY PLACE!
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Virginia
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I will say this. I have weathered some pretty tough financial times. I had a car repossessed once, and have filed bankruptcy. I would happily choose to go through either of those things again rather than live with an alcoholic.............
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okay
i was so happy smiling even thinking of how proud i will be to be so brave and so couragous. then...
i talked to an attorney at work right now and she told me that it might be advisable to wait it out as bad as things are right now so i don't get stuck. she said if things were tolerable at home she would wait until we have a better idea of what is going on and hopefully the economy picks up by spring or summer. it might not be wise to move right now.
okay, but if i do i'll miss out on this apartment and it is hard to come by even though she said there will be other apartments when the time is better. she did say she would call a lawyer that practices in my county and get a better idea from them what losses i might be facing.
i put a call into my therapist to hopefully get a chance to discuss this with her.
what a tough time. i feel good about were i am at mentally at the moment though, i'm kinda just matter of fact, but i have to admit that i will be discouraged and depressed if i let this apartment go.
i talked to an attorney at work right now and she told me that it might be advisable to wait it out as bad as things are right now so i don't get stuck. she said if things were tolerable at home she would wait until we have a better idea of what is going on and hopefully the economy picks up by spring or summer. it might not be wise to move right now.
okay, but if i do i'll miss out on this apartment and it is hard to come by even though she said there will be other apartments when the time is better. she did say she would call a lawyer that practices in my county and get a better idea from them what losses i might be facing.
i put a call into my therapist to hopefully get a chance to discuss this with her.
what a tough time. i feel good about were i am at mentally at the moment though, i'm kinda just matter of fact, but i have to admit that i will be discouraged and depressed if i let this apartment go.
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Originally Posted by hopeangel 
she said if things were tolerable at home she would wait until we have a better idea of what is going on and hopefully the economy picks up by spring or summer.
L
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
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There's never a "good" time to do something you're afraid to do. In the past I avoided making those hard decisions- I kept myself busy. The longer I waited, the longer I avoided, the worse my situation became, until I was so insane that I HAD to make a choice. I no longer want to live my life that way. I hope some day you will come to the same conclusion.
My counselor always says: Put fear in your back pocket and move forward. Good advice.
My counselor always says: Put fear in your back pocket and move forward. Good advice.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by hopeangel
i have to admit that i will be discouraged and depressed if i let this apartment go.
Then don't look for more reasons not to do what you really seem to want to do!
Let loose the fears. Let loose the things you cannot control or change. Look at what you want your life to start becoming and make a decision based on the sucky life you have and how good it could become if you get out now and not at some nebulous time in the future that may never come.
This is your one and only life. Don't waste it.
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yes
what is tolerable and at what mental cost. like the therapist told me earlier today priorities.
is emotional, verbal, occational past physical abuse tolerable?
is living with someone that spends half the week in the basement on a plastic cot (peed on the couch the other night though), urinates himself tolerable?
is an alcoholic who stays sober for a few days out of the week, goes to church (just long enough for you to think things aren't so bad), begs, pleads, apologizes, who can be extremely loving, caring, and sweet, and take great care of you for a couple days, but does not take the action needed to solve the problem tolerable? and continues to show you with his actions that he really has no intention of changing.
has an emotional break down throw up while drunk lying on the floor crying to where you think you might have to take him to the hospital - tells you that he needs treatment, help, but refuses to do so when you hand him the phone, does not let you take him to treatment or to the hospital and THEN the next day just says he was only "venting" and "treatment won't do anything for him"
tolerable?
is someone that basically tells you they are not going to meet there financial obligations to you - but meet theirs first and continues to spend money on alcohol when they are broke and can't meet their financial obligations tolerable?
i could say that just because i go my own way and most of the time he leaves me alone and goes in the basement or he shows signs of potential future change it is "tolerable", but is it really? and at what costs to my wellbeing?
is emotional, verbal, occational past physical abuse tolerable?
is living with someone that spends half the week in the basement on a plastic cot (peed on the couch the other night though), urinates himself tolerable?
is an alcoholic who stays sober for a few days out of the week, goes to church (just long enough for you to think things aren't so bad), begs, pleads, apologizes, who can be extremely loving, caring, and sweet, and take great care of you for a couple days, but does not take the action needed to solve the problem tolerable? and continues to show you with his actions that he really has no intention of changing.
has an emotional break down throw up while drunk lying on the floor crying to where you think you might have to take him to the hospital - tells you that he needs treatment, help, but refuses to do so when you hand him the phone, does not let you take him to treatment or to the hospital and THEN the next day just says he was only "venting" and "treatment won't do anything for him"
tolerable?
is someone that basically tells you they are not going to meet there financial obligations to you - but meet theirs first and continues to spend money on alcohol when they are broke and can't meet their financial obligations tolerable?
i could say that just because i go my own way and most of the time he leaves me alone and goes in the basement or he shows signs of potential future change it is "tolerable", but is it really? and at what costs to my wellbeing?
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 209
None of the above sound tolerable to me NOW.
I did live through most of that though.
I know NOW I would NEVER put up with any of that behavior again
My well-being and that of my child's is more important than anything.
Hope...read my signature line. It took me a long time to learn to live like it says. I'm better at it now (although not perfect).
Good luck.
Sue
I did live through most of that though.
I know NOW I would NEVER put up with any of that behavior again
My well-being and that of my child's is more important than anything.
Hope...read my signature line. It took me a long time to learn to live like it says. I'm better at it now (although not perfect).
Good luck.
Sue
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: oh
Posts: 757
part of me
wants to give him one final ultimatum.
check himself into inpatient treatment by friday or i'm gone. give him one final chance, while i am still there to take care of the house obligations and he still has medical coverage to help himself.
if the landlord would give me until then.
but part of me is not even wanting to do that because i am afraid he will talk me out of moving or try and negotiate something less than that, such as outpatient treatment, AA, sober on his own, etc.
just long enough for me to let the apartment pass.
i am well aware that if i give the ultimatum i have to be prepared to follow though....
and i don't know if it is even what i want for my life even if he is sober.
check himself into inpatient treatment by friday or i'm gone. give him one final chance, while i am still there to take care of the house obligations and he still has medical coverage to help himself.
if the landlord would give me until then.
but part of me is not even wanting to do that because i am afraid he will talk me out of moving or try and negotiate something less than that, such as outpatient treatment, AA, sober on his own, etc.
just long enough for me to let the apartment pass.
i am well aware that if i give the ultimatum i have to be prepared to follow though....
and i don't know if it is even what i want for my life even if he is sober.
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There you go again, trying to connect two things together that aren't connected.
First, your moving will not stop him from getting treatment. He is capable of doing that no matter where you are living.
Second, how many on this board have stories to tell about their SO going to treatment, once, twice, three, even four or more times, only to relapse again? Have you expressed to him that you want him to get help? Has he done it? What makes you think he will now? And if he did, what makes you think it would work? And why would you not moving make one shred of difference either way?
L
First, your moving will not stop him from getting treatment. He is capable of doing that no matter where you are living.
Second, how many on this board have stories to tell about their SO going to treatment, once, twice, three, even four or more times, only to relapse again? Have you expressed to him that you want him to get help? Has he done it? What makes you think he will now? And if he did, what makes you think it would work? And why would you not moving make one shred of difference either way?
L
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Join Date: Dec 2006
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very good point
and my biggest fear. if i in effect force him to treatment and he is not truly going on his own - what are the chances it will stick?
the reason i say give him one last chance is that if i move out and he goes to treatment - i will not be able to afford the rent and the mortgage both on my own. also, he only has my health insurance which WILL cover his treatment.
although i was talking to someone who still had to pay for her ah's treatment 5000.00 and never got a penny of it back and he was back to drinking a week out of treatment....delayed her life and her eventual divorce from him 5 more years. he was sober after the second treatment and she felt more obligated than ever, but being sober didn't change the person, just made him sober.
my worst fear. when you marry someone you do feel obligated (the whole sickness and health thing though) to give them every chance.
i definitely see your point latee
the reason i say give him one last chance is that if i move out and he goes to treatment - i will not be able to afford the rent and the mortgage both on my own. also, he only has my health insurance which WILL cover his treatment.
although i was talking to someone who still had to pay for her ah's treatment 5000.00 and never got a penny of it back and he was back to drinking a week out of treatment....delayed her life and her eventual divorce from him 5 more years. he was sober after the second treatment and she felt more obligated than ever, but being sober didn't change the person, just made him sober.
my worst fear. when you marry someone you do feel obligated (the whole sickness and health thing though) to give them every chance.
i definitely see your point latee
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Tar Heel Country
Posts: 86
HA,
I don't know the history here, but in some states, if your spouse is an active alcoholic, you can separate and compel the spouse to leave the home pending resolution of property. I know that in Ohio "habitual drunkenness" is grounds for divorce. It might be worth looking into?
TH
I don't know the history here, but in some states, if your spouse is an active alcoholic, you can separate and compel the spouse to leave the home pending resolution of property. I know that in Ohio "habitual drunkenness" is grounds for divorce. It might be worth looking into?
TH
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
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hi dear hopeangel
hon if we wait for "the economy to get better" for any choice, we are all doomed
about money, perhaps someone can lend you a little or help out someway...
money or stuff will NEVER be "enough" in order to put up with the madness you describe
i bet everyone here would prefer to live in a little apartment with a lot of debts rather than sharing the Taj Mahal with Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde
easy does it, i feel this apartment is your chance to move on and take control for your life again. i hope you decide what is best for you (((hopeangel)))
hon if we wait for "the economy to get better" for any choice, we are all doomed
about money, perhaps someone can lend you a little or help out someway...
money or stuff will NEVER be "enough" in order to put up with the madness you describe
i bet everyone here would prefer to live in a little apartment with a lot of debts rather than sharing the Taj Mahal with Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde
easy does it, i feel this apartment is your chance to move on and take control for your life again. i hope you decide what is best for you (((hopeangel)))
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