CatsnDogs4Me

Hopeangel, thanks for sharing your pros & cons list with us. I've been doing a lot of thinking myself about my future with my AH. I moved out almost a year ago, but we're still married & trying marriage counseling. When I read your list, I noticed that all but one of your pros (I don't want children) would be just what I'd put on my own pros list to stay in the marriage. The sad thing is that I would only match 2 of the cons on your list - the last 2 - which I realize are just "what ifs." I hold the house, manage most of the debt, and have all the financial security in the relationship. It really hit me that I'm only staying for the "what ifs" not the "what is". Lots of food for thought over the coming weekend.

I wish you the best in whatever course you take and hope you do find peace and serenity. Thanks again for sharing. I learn so much from everyone's input here...

hopeangel

ur welcome catsndogs,

it really struck me too as was pointed out, my pros list for leaving is all about me and what i have control over- the cons list for moving out is all about external forces beyond my control - pretty telling isn't it when you see it right there in black and white!

we will both be doing some thinking this weekend.

i wish you the best of luck also in your decision. feel free to also share your pros and cons list and let me know how you are doing.

i'd be interested in seeing others pros and cons list also and learning from them.

GiveLove

Hopeangel, isn't it good to get it down in black and white?

I know that people in my life got very frustrated with me for a long time because I couldn't seem to make a decision to change what was - admittedly - a very sad situation.

Lists were very, very, very helpful to me in figuring out what I was afraid of. When you let it fester inside in this sort of amorphous soup, then it's far more scary than if you just write it down on paper. Now at least you've brought your enemy out into the bright light where it can't hide, and that's a great step forward.

I do think, from looking at your list, that you're still in deep denial about your husband's problem, lack of loyalty, your responsibility in it, etc......I mean, this is an abusive alcoholic who pees the bed, hurt your animals, wants you to pay his way in life, and tried to blackmail you into sex, and you're still calling him a "loyal partner." But finding the real truth is your journey to make, and on your own timetable.

I hope you'll find a way to happiness. BTW, half-time hours was more than enough for me to pay for a small apartment where I was extremely happy for a time. The book "Your Money or Your Life" was also a turning point in my life, as it taught me how to live well on much, much less. As a result of what I learned in it, I do not fear this recession at all.

Good luck!

nowinsituation

Hope - When I was trying to decide to leave or stay in my marriage I started apartment shopping and found that what I thought would be one of the easy things was going to be difficult - timing wise anyway. I originally had an apartment and put a deposit on it (but did not sign a lease), then decided to stay (of course, losing my deposit). A couple of months later I decided again to leave, found another apartment (same leasing company, so a little embarrassing there but in retrospect WHY did I care what they thought?). I signed a six month lease on this one. I moved out for a day, before I decided to go back again(?). I didn't know what do to -- I was "stuck" with this apartment for six months!!! I called my brother who had left his AW a few years before and tearfully told him the whole story of what was going on with me. He told me to KEEP the apartment. He said, there will come a day when you can't take it anymore, and then you will need a place to go.... don't give up the apartment. I felt so foolish, but I kept the apartment. Sometimes I would just go there on the weekends and watch TV during the afternoon. Then, he was right. A couple of months later I couldn't take it anymore. I was so happy to have that little apartment waiting for me.

Just my experience, and I hope it helps.

hopeangel

give love and nowinthissituation, so much for sharing your experiences.

it is very comforting to know that i am not the only one that has struggled with their decisions and gone back and forth with them. good to know i am not alone.

to be honest, right now, i'm actually kinda excited and not so much fearing the papers coming in the mail from the attorney or just filling them out and giving the attorney the money. i really don't think i have anything to lose by proceeding. you can always get remarried right? in the mean time i can start looking towards my freedom from this.

you know, the list was so eye opening. i don't know why or what it is all about, but when i think about working with that list and letting go of the things that are about other people or out of my control and working to active the things on the pros list that are all about me - i get this really sad, fearful feeling. like i'm letting go of something...

what's that all about?

DesertEyes

Hello there hopeangel and pardon me for jumping in.

I _know_ that feeling. When I had to let go of my marriage of 20yrs that is _exactly_ what I felt. For me it was letting go of what I had grown acustomed to. My parents were alcoholics, and all I ever knew was a life of being belittled, accused and disgraced. I was so, so, used to that. I didn't know what _else_ there was.

Had I known there was a much better life ahead of me I would have _run_ like the wind. But I didn't. For me, the unknown was more scary than what I was used to.

Kinda like having a nasty neighbor for years and years. Then one day the neighbor is not there and the first thing I think of is maybe I should go check and see if they are alright. And when they don't show up for a few days I actually _miss_ the nastiness.

Somewhere, back in my head, there is something wired wrong. Somebody put in a socket where they should have put a lightbulb and I just don't have the reflex for self-protection that "normal" people have. So I have had to learn it thru recovery and therapy.

You can learn it too, hopeangel. It sounds to me like you're already halfway there. In the meantime, you can come along with us as we all learn how to make a better life for ourselves.

Mike
:ghug

sillysquirrel

Well, I just read this entire thread. Let me just say that the answer is always easy for me when it is about someone else's life. That having been said, I think that you sound like a wonderful, intelligent woman who is just very insecure and unsure of herself. Living with an AH can and will do that to a person. When I saw that you have no children, my immediate thought was "Why doesn't she run?" Get out now. Do you really think that you will ever feel comfortable having children with this man?

In addition to all of the negatives that come with living with a drunk, he is abusive too. He has a temper (stovetop story). What is keeping you with him?

I have an AH. He is not physically abusive, but he is verbally abusive. We have 4 children together and for some reason I continue to stay because of the children. I have a very hard time removing my kids from the only home they have ever known. Anyway, I always think to myself that if we didn't have children, I would be gone. Don't misunderstand me. I love my children dearly and would never change anything about them. I just wish I would have known then what I know now. I am certain I would have chosen an honest, respecting, caring, loving man who viewed me as an equal to be the father of my children.

So, my advice to you, just based on your pros and cons list where you stated you want to have children, is to find the strength to move on, for yourself, and for your unborn children.

Good luck to you.

LaTeeDa

For me, it was the control. I feared letting go of control because it was kinda like when you first learn to water ski. Everyone tells you, if you fall, let go of the rope! But, the first time you fall, you hang on, only to be dragged. That rope is the security that connects you to the boat. Letting go means you're all alone in the middle of the lake! Or at least that's how it feels.

I held on to my 'control' because it was my security. If I was to let go, I didn't know what to do with myself. I was out in the 'lake' all alone. The control was an illusion. I never had control of any of it anyway. Even though I feared letting go, I was being dragged. And I would eventually drown. It was scary, but once I did it, the biggest emotion I felt was relief. Like the weight of the world was suddenly off my shoulders. Whew!

We can all tell you how much better it is to let go of the rope than be dragged, but until you are dragged enough, you won't listen. Luckily, most people have enough of a survival instinct to let go before they drown. I hope you let go soon. It's much better than all that water up your nose, lol.

L

hopeangel

yeah that's exactly it, like i don't have that self-protection mechanism that others seem to have.

and it is like being left alone in the middle of the lake drowning. like your gonna lose everything when you let go and have nothing.

it is a very uncomfortable feeling.

your natural instinct is quick - to react- find someone or something to control or take care of or to fight for - never to just accept things the way they are, relax or nothing.

i know with relationships i will run them straight into the ground with my need to control or have someone.