Defining Moments
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
I liked "Suzuki's" definition of patience which was not waiting for something to change but acceptance of "what is"
One thing about Sobriety is years and years of journaling, and one thing I have learned is I needed to learn how to live when life is Good.
I "do" drama well, it's what I was raised with, it's "comfortable" I have never been so miserable as when "All my dreams came true" in Sobriety
"If only this then that" is one of the most destructive forces in my life, and in my opinion in the world, it causes ... well consumerism runs on it.....it's like the "base" form of spiritual illness I think, or one of them.
For me, that was one of the loneliest moments of my life, all "my dreams" and goals came true and I was empty inside.
I had to find an answer elsewhere.
Where I found it, and had to keep rediscovering it on a daily basis was inside me, God, if you will, inner peace, whatever what you choose to call it, hid itself in the place I ever thought to look.
my heart.
It wasn't in a bottle, or in large waves, or in hot sex or a great relationship, or traveling or risking my life although these things are all great, they aren't "the answer" I thought they were.
I "wander away" every few years because I'm none too bright, but I always come back it seems.
"God" hid in the last place I ever thought to look....my heart, and I don't "believe" in a deity btw just to clarify.
One thing about Sobriety is years and years of journaling, and one thing I have learned is I needed to learn how to live when life is Good.
I "do" drama well, it's what I was raised with, it's "comfortable" I have never been so miserable as when "All my dreams came true" in Sobriety
"If only this then that" is one of the most destructive forces in my life, and in my opinion in the world, it causes ... well consumerism runs on it.....it's like the "base" form of spiritual illness I think, or one of them.
In addition to my co-dependent behavior traits, I also suffer from a chronic weight problem. So not only did I convince myself that if my exAB could just become sober, then I'd be happy but I also convinced myself that if I could just lose weight, then I'd be happy, too.
My boyfriend became sober for a time and with much determination and hard work, I shed 150 pounds. So with both goals reached, I should have been happy, right? But it doesn't work that way. Happiness is an inside job. A boyfriend or a perfect body won't bring me happiness, just like an emotionally unavailable boyfriend or an overweight body aren't the cause of my misery.
Maybe instead of patience, you just need to love and accept yourself exactly as you are.
My boyfriend became sober for a time and with much determination and hard work, I shed 150 pounds. So with both goals reached, I should have been happy, right? But it doesn't work that way. Happiness is an inside job. A boyfriend or a perfect body won't bring me happiness, just like an emotionally unavailable boyfriend or an overweight body aren't the cause of my misery.
Maybe instead of patience, you just need to love and accept yourself exactly as you are.
I had to find an answer elsewhere.
Where I found it, and had to keep rediscovering it on a daily basis was inside me, God, if you will, inner peace, whatever what you choose to call it, hid itself in the place I ever thought to look.
my heart.
It wasn't in a bottle, or in large waves, or in hot sex or a great relationship, or traveling or risking my life although these things are all great, they aren't "the answer" I thought they were.
I "wander away" every few years because I'm none too bright, but I always come back it seems.
"God" hid in the last place I ever thought to look....my heart, and I don't "believe" in a deity btw just to clarify.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Pac Northwest
Posts: 95
Originally Posted by Ago 
For me, that was one of the loneliest moments of my life, all "my dreams" and goals came true and I was empty inside.
I'm finally getting this.
I've tried for so long to build the perfect life - one that would be nothing like my FOO.
Travel, go to college, meet nice caring guy, have kids (well...that didn't go very smoothly), buy a old house with 'character', get a graduate degree = I should be on top of the world!! Um, no.
I was too busy obsessing about putting a perfect life together that I lost sight of what I really wanted and needed.
I have a rich, beautiful life....but, my soul feels empty in some ways.
I am learning that I must enrich my soul in whatever ways I can. It may be with AH, or without.
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Thank you everyone. So what if this sounds corny LOL... I love all these responses and I love this thread; what a wonderful conversation between friends! I am moved by the wisdom and clarity of the minds of you all,
i think this should be sticky-fied.
Blessings and serenity
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
i think this should be sticky-fied.
Blessings and serenity
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
I don't know, Paj. Patience, to me, implies "waiting for something to happen." Maybe that's the problem. Could it be you are projecting so much into the future that you are missing the joy of the present. Waiting for the divorce to be final, the house to be sold, school to be completed, etc..........
Could it be that you are still looking for some kind of "destination" to bring you happiness, rather than letting go and savoring the journey?
L
Could it be that you are still looking for some kind of "destination" to bring you happiness, rather than letting go and savoring the journey?
L
Maybe in some way you're right though, LTD. Maybe my peacefulness is all tied up in waiting for some of the bigger things I'm dealing with to be resolved. Instead of waiting, I should be working on accepting life as it is right now- like TC said. It's just so hard sometimes- so scary. How do I let go??? I feel stuck. I can't figure out what is holding me back. Is it just sadness? Am I thinking too much? I am tired of sadness. I almost feel anger would be easier- I am propelled by anger. Sadness seems to bog me down.
I think change scares me. (Back to what FD started. . .) Everything is changing. I thought I knew where my life was going. I thought I was married to STBXAH forever, we'd have 3-4 kids, I'd work part-time, he'd be a respected lawyer, we'd have a nice- but not expensive house in the city, I'd putter around in the garden, we'd travel to MX- maybe buy a house there to retire in. . . all those dreams- over. Instead, I am a single mom of one lovely dd, working 2 jobs, going to grad school, freelance, trying to fix up and sell a house, all in the middle of a divorce. I'm tired. I'm trying to focus on what can be- even though I am scared to even try to imagine what I want, because it seems things do not work out the way I plan. Can I make plans?
I'm just responding to everyone's comments- thinking a lot about what all of you have said about patience and change. Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
Originally Posted by Ago
I liked "Suzuki's" definition of patience which was not waiting for something to change but acceptance of "what is"
Lately, ago, your contributions to this forum have really been insightful and full of so much wisdom. Thank you.
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
I take comfort in the fact that everything is always changing. It is good to know that when times are hard, they will come to their own end - one way or another, and if times are good I appreciate them for what they are and do not take things for granted.
Throughout everything though, I know the only thing that will bring about the end of me, is well, the end of me! That may sound macarbe, but no matter what life throws at me, it won't kill me. When all has come and gone, I will still exist.
I used to wish certain things had never happened to me, that my life had been different, better in a lot of ways etc.
Interesting where we find the words of wisdom that are life changing for us, I found one while reading Lord of the Rings by JRR Tolkien. Filled with wizards and wise elves yet ordinary 'mortals' too, a few lines between two characters (hobbit and wizard) jumped out at me;
'' 'I wish --- had never come to me, I wish none of this had happened'.
'So do all who face such times, but that is not for them to decide. All that is left to them is what to do with the time that was given them' ''
It hit me like a ton of bricks, all my life I had heard myself say that line, 'I wish this had never happened', but never had I heard such a response to it. Even now, when I hear that thought pop into my mind, Tolkien comes back at me with his wisdom.
Can we make plans? Yes - life is about hopes and dreams, yet also balanced with patient acceptance, humility and forgiveness. I plan and dream all the time, yet I am now much more accepting that if things don't go my way, it is still alright. Every time I face disappointment or when my emotions are stirred, it highlights for me an obstacle I have to my own inner peace. Perhaps I need to develop more patience, love or compassion - these things I have found counter balance any anger frustration and hurt.
To keep my serenity, I have begun to understand that I need to apply/strengthen the opposing emotion to my negative feelings. When I do this and practice the balance, I don't feel uneasy and happiness and peace naturally rise up in me.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Throughout everything though, I know the only thing that will bring about the end of me, is well, the end of me! That may sound macarbe, but no matter what life throws at me, it won't kill me. When all has come and gone, I will still exist.
I used to wish certain things had never happened to me, that my life had been different, better in a lot of ways etc.
Interesting where we find the words of wisdom that are life changing for us, I found one while reading Lord of the Rings by JRR Tolkien. Filled with wizards and wise elves yet ordinary 'mortals' too, a few lines between two characters (hobbit and wizard) jumped out at me;
'' 'I wish --- had never come to me, I wish none of this had happened'.
'So do all who face such times, but that is not for them to decide. All that is left to them is what to do with the time that was given them' ''
It hit me like a ton of bricks, all my life I had heard myself say that line, 'I wish this had never happened', but never had I heard such a response to it. Even now, when I hear that thought pop into my mind, Tolkien comes back at me with his wisdom.
Can we make plans? Yes - life is about hopes and dreams, yet also balanced with patient acceptance, humility and forgiveness. I plan and dream all the time, yet I am now much more accepting that if things don't go my way, it is still alright. Every time I face disappointment or when my emotions are stirred, it highlights for me an obstacle I have to my own inner peace. Perhaps I need to develop more patience, love or compassion - these things I have found counter balance any anger frustration and hurt.
To keep my serenity, I have begun to understand that I need to apply/strengthen the opposing emotion to my negative feelings. When I do this and practice the balance, I don't feel uneasy and happiness and peace naturally rise up in me.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Lily, those are (I personally think) the most powerful lines in all of the volumes, right there. They stuck with me too, and I think they may have permanently changed my life the first time I read them. I think of them often.
Freed from the anguish
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 124
((Lily)) Thank you SOOOO much for sharing that. The quote literally gave me goose-bumps just now.
I'm so thankful for all my friends here on SR. You guys are what keep me from living in the past, dwelling on my resentments, and every day I'm learning new and wonderful things about myself and climbing out of the rubble that I've been dying in for so long
I'm so thankful for all my friends here on SR. You guys are what keep me from living in the past, dwelling on my resentments, and every day I'm learning new and wonderful things about myself and climbing out of the rubble that I've been dying in for so long
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Originally Posted by Pajarito
Genius.
Lately, ago, your contributions to this forum have really been insightful and full of so much wisdom. Thank you.
Lately, ago, your contributions to this forum have really been insightful and full of so much wisdom. Thank you.
When I got here a few months ago I was as "sick" as I ever have been in my life, you guys were a very large part of my "re-covering" in this case, returning to recovery, so the thanks belongs to you all here, it really does, I just repeat stuff I hear in meetings and learn through reading really, hopefully a little of it "sticks" enough to "integrate" it into my own life.
Originally Posted by Lilyflower
Interesting where we find the words of wisdom that are life changing for us, I found one while reading Lord of the Rings by JRR Tolkien. Filled with wizards and wise elves yet ordinary 'mortals' too, a few lines between two characters (hobbit and wizard) jumped out at me;
'' 'I wish --- had never come to me, I wish none of this had happened'.
'So do all who face such times, but that is not for them to decide. All that is left to them is what to do with the time that was given them' ''
It hit me like a ton of bricks, all my life I had heard myself say that line, 'I wish this had never happened', but never had I heard such a response to it. Even now, when I hear that thought pop into my mind, Tolkien comes back at me with his wisdom.
Can we make plans? Yes - life is about hopes and dreams, yet also balanced with patient acceptance, humility and forgiveness. I plan and dream all the time, yet I am now much more accepting that if things don't go my way, it is still alright. Every time I face disappointment or when my emotions are stirred, it highlights for me an obstacle I have to my own inner peace. Perhaps I need to develop more patience, love or compassion - these things I have found counter balance any anger frustration and hurt.
I just posted this very thing recently, the interchange between Frodo and Gandalf is something I've watched over and over and over
YouTube - The Lord Of The Rings.The Fellowship of the Ring (part 14)
it starts at 3:55 roughly and continues until 6:10
Gandalfs love and compassion for Gollum (victim of addiction, who both loves and hates "the ring" as he loves and hates himself) and Frodo both (also dealing with his own issues around "addiction" since he know "has this thing") and non judgmental approach makes me cry ("many who live deserve death and many who die deserve life, can you give that to them? do not be so eager to deal out death and judgment, even the very wise cannot see all ends"), and telling Frodo that he was "meant to find the ring" so there are forces in this world besides evil....just the whole scene brings me to my knees.
Peter really nailed this bit
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