FormerDoormat

I find it a bit ironic when folks chime in to say "I'm calling it quits" when really what they're doing when they physically and emotionally detach from their alcoholic loved ones is starting a new life.

Funny how what I used to think was an ending was really a beginning. Change is a good thing.

denny57

Change is a very good thing.

I used to think it was just semantics, but I've learned that how I put word to what I'm doing matters very much. I remember saying to my doctor (who was/is also xAH's GP) "I give up." He said, "you aren't giving up, you're saving yourself. That takes courage."

GiveLove

Which country singer sang the one about "thank god for unanswered prayers" ?

I am so grateful for all of the things that I thought would be the end of my world: broken relationships, jobs I had to leave, homes I had to leave. At the time, the labels I stuck on myself were so dismal: lost, sad, confused, crushed, drained, destroyed.

In reality, the label I should've worn was: now open to better possibilities.

FormerDoormat

I think the words I use say a lot about me, what I'm currently thinking, what I'm feeling, whether I value myself as a person or not. And the more I put a positive spin on the words I choose and the actions I take, the better my life seems to get.
I like the sound of that.

GiveLove

Cool. I especially like when people choose to name themselves as you do, drawing a strong distinction between the person they were, and the person they are. It's a good reminder to me.

blessed4x

Thanks for giving me something to think about. After chewing on it for a bit I think I avoid change in an effort to control a world that much of the time feels so out of control.

Not a day goes by that I don't learn something here!

FormerDoormat

Same here, Blessed.

cmc

It's helped me to consider that change is _always_ inevitable...the role I play in it is what makes all the difference. This has proved true for me whether I've had to accept things as they are or take some action. It's my paraphrase of the Serenity Prayer.

Once I accepted that life is full of ups and downs, my fear of change didn't impact me as often or as badly. I still struggle with this at times; but I now remind myself that if times are tough, things will change again & improve. It also keeps me better prepared to cope with the more unpleasant occurances that are out of my control.

Barbara52

I'm trying to remember a single significant change I have made my entire life that didn't result in personal growth at the least and can't think of a single one. Some of those changes were very difficult. Some didn't result in the change I thought I wanted. Some led in totally unexpected directions for my life. But all have at least led to personal growth in some way. And most have improved my life in small or large ways.

Change is scary. But worth facing that fear and making the change anyway.

MiaTheMinx

Change is what I make of it

At the time it may not feel good but in hindsight it invariably is for the best.

If there is no change then I am not living I am merely existing.

embraced2000

i'm trying here to envision applying what you have posted, fd.

ok, i called it quits. made it through and was very happy. then i let him back in. called it quits again. now i'm reeling from the mess that is left that i call my life.

there is no problem with wanting anything to do with him any longer.

so, now, i need to apply the same concepts in saving my own life, and getting my life back on track.

i'll be doing alot of thinking on this. you have nudged my brain and i have a little whirly place going on in it.

thanks for opening the blinds for me.

Lilyflower

Life is in itself impermanent. By trying to keep my life from changing, I am effectively building a barrier across the flow of life. Like a dam across a river. Life has a way of backing up behind the barrier, until one day, it overflows and I have more than I can deal with. I could get lost in the wave.

If I respond to life and go with its flow, I avoid the build up and the little things are no problem to deal with. I try to do this now. I got exhausted from dealing with one barrier burst to the next. I would always repair my dam and hope change would leave me alone, then to feel it burst again.

I felt life was a constant battle, me against this horrid world. I no longer feel that way.

In every obstacle there lies opportunity

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

JustMeInWI

I find it ironic that my own mother was the one who used those words. She 'accused' me of "quitting on this marriage" by filing for divorce from an abuser (and recovering alcoholic). I have to admit though, her choosing to use those words and me being able to stand up to her and say that I'm not quitting, that I'm choosing a better, healthier life for myself, does show a certain level of growth I've already accomplished. A year ago I would have agreed with her that I was being hasty and "quitting".

ToughChoices

I think it's Garth Brooks - I like that song.

I'm experimenting with not labeling events in my life as terrible, wonderful, great, good, sad, sorry, etc...
Because I can't see the BIG picture. Ultimately, I don't know what will bring me peace and joy. I'm beginning to believe that, if I am open to the changes that occur, if I choose not to resist and struggle and attempt to impose my will, there will be peace and joy - regardless of how everything appears initially.
Who would have thought that at the close of this year, I would be counting the addiction that brought my family to it's knees in despair and disappointment, as one of my blessings?
It showed me the path out of pain.

In the new year, I'm looking forward to whatever life has to offer me!

-TC

Pajarito

Why do I go through feeling grateful my STBXAH left- YET- I still feel so sad? I want to be able to accept all of this. I've even said his leaving was a gift- and truly believed it, but I want to believe it and move on without looking back. It's driving me crazy! I want a peaceful life, but I don't feel like I have that yet- and it's been a year and a half. Am I being impatient with myself?

I still have a lot to deal with. Our initial hearing has been pushed back 3x- it's now on the 20th.

Financially I have no idea where I will be, because "we" have to sell our house, and I'm asking for maintenance for me, but don't know if I will get it.

I am dealing with the house alone, because STBXAH won't have anything to do with it. . . and with the market as bad as it is, I am trying to have faith it will all work out even though we may get zero for it IF it sells!

I envy those of you who feel peaceful. Please tell me it hasn't been all uphill- that it's been in and out, up and down and everywhere- a process instead of this instant feeling of gratefulness.

I know I am starting my new life, but I am scared and feeling overwhelmed by a lot of heavy stuff. Some days I wonder if I will ever feel really good- really grateful for the 'gift' my STBXAH brought into my life.

<sigh>

Lilyflower

Para, your peacefulness will come, you are at the moment still trying to tie up a lot of loose threads from your relationship, so even though it has been over a year, you are no way free from it all yet. Perhaps you do need to find more patience for yourself and trust that what you need will come.

I find that when faced with tough obstacles, if I let go of the outcome I feel peace. Like recently, I posted about my financial worries as abf left me to deal with our unpaid tax and I was taken to court to have the debt removed from my wage each month. I was at that time, worried sick how I would get through the following months, never to mind that Christmas was also on the way. I would cry for hours about it.

But then one day, I suddenly had the thought, if they take it, they take it and I cannot change that. If I don't have the money, then I will just have to make do. I sat down with my daughter and discussed how I would do the best I could for christmas this year, but that she should not expect the usual. I talked to her about the situation and reiterated what the real meaning of christams is, and when better times come, she knows I will treat her. She was very mature and understanding. I talked to my sister who I owed £200 to and admitted that I was struggling and why. She too was very understanding and said just do what you can do. Everyone pitched in to make sure I could get by.

Now, as it turns out, I am still waiting for them to begin making deductions. I was able to repay my sister and buy some things for Christmas! yippee!

The important thing I learnt though was that, as soon as I accepted the situation and let go of trying to control the outcome with my anger and tears. I felt inner peace and even happiness in the face of it all. I spent a month thinking they would take that money, but I spent that month in serenity, not pain.

This for me was my HP looking out for me. I trust that what I need will come to me, and even if it doesn't, well I am going to get on with it anyway and strenghten my self despite it.

Love to you
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Pajarito

I hope I didn't hijack this thread- thanks for the response Lily.

I do feel like STBXAH's leaving was a defining moment in my life. But it was almost 18 months ago, and I still feel in limbo at times. Intellectually I get that change is good, but emotionally I still feel up and down about it. Maybe patience is all I need.

Thanks for the food for thought FD.

ToughChoices

For me, peace and gratefulness came when I let go, not only of my "fantasy" outcome of life with my husband (he stops drinking, goes back to the man I married, we live happily ever after, yadayadayada), but also of my struggle for what "should" be in general.

This sounds very vague.

I guess I mean, I let go of thinking that I knew what life ought to hand me. Admitting my powerlessness over Peter's drinking was an important first step, but I also needed to accept my powerlessness over SO many aspects of life (and especially my marital separation!).

I should get alimony.
I should get the house.
I should get an apology.
I should sell the house and get a good price for it.

I can work toward these goals. I can put forward my best effort - but, ultimately I have no control over whether or not they happen.
Given that truth, I can decide whether I will worry and fret over the possibility that they will not happen, or I can trust that life will unfold precisely as it should.
The lessons I need to learn will be taught to me. The truths I need to explore will be revealed. The hardships I need to endure will bring me to a saner, calmer place. My life will be an adventure.

For me, it is simply a change in attitude. Instead of worrying about money, I accept that it may be time for me to live frugally - to see what lessons I can learn from that experience. Then it doesn't seem so scary. So wrong. It doesn't feel like I'm being punished for someone else's sins.

That is freedom.

Take care, Paj!
-TC

LaTeeDa

I don't know, Paj. Patience, to me, implies "waiting for something to happen." Maybe that's the problem. Could it be you are projecting so much into the future that you are missing the joy of the present. Waiting for the divorce to be final, the house to be sold, school to be completed, etc..........

Could it be that you are still looking for some kind of "destination" to bring you happiness, rather than letting go and savoring the journey?

L

FormerDoormat

I think LTD is on to something here. In addition to my co-dependent behavior traits, I also suffer from a chronic weight problem. So not only did I convince myself that if my exAB could just become sober, then I'd be happy but I also convinced myself that if I could just lose weight, then I'd be happy, too.

My boyfriend became sober for a time and with much determination and hard work, I shed 150 pounds. So with both goals reached, I should have been happy, right? But it doesn't work that way. Happiness is an inside job. A boyfriend or a perfect body won't bring me happiness, just like an emotionally unavailable boyfriend or an overweight body aren't the cause of my misery.

Maybe instead of patience, you just need to love and accept yourself exactly as you are.