Advice Columns

Old 07-07-2003, 02:29 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Chesterton, IN
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Unhappy Advice Columns

Is it just me? I keep writing to my local newspaper's advice column (Annie's Mailbox) and I've written to MSN's "Dear Prudence" but my letters never get published.

I asked how I should handle my AH's family pressuring him to drink. I guess the advice columnists don't want to have to deal with the uglies of real life and opt to answer the "which side of the dinner plate does the fork go?" questions!


So, how do you handle your AH's family pressuring your AH to drink? I talked to my sister-in-law about the problems the drinking was causing & she told me she would talk to my H, but instead she turned around & is pressuring him CONSTANTLY to drink with her. My mother-in-law sympathized with me, told me all about my husband's father (deceased) and how abusive he was to her....told me she would definitely speak to her son on my behalf. When she came over, she looked him straight in the eye & told him that he DESERVES to drink beer after work since he works so hard all day.

I do have to say though that I was finally able to have a conversation with my AH this weekend & I told him about his sister & his mother & told him that I feel that they both hate me & that they must want us to get a divorce. He said he would talk to his sister, but he didn't.

Thanks for listening to me rant & rave.

Hope you're having a good day.
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Old 07-07-2003, 03:33 PM
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Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: dysfunction junction,nc
Posts: 381
Okay.....we must be related or at least in the same family??????
WOW! As I read your post I began to see myself in all of that family chaos! Its amazing how in-laws can interfere BIG TIME! However, let me tell you how to handle them. Don't confide in them. Do Not Tell Them Anything!!!! For some reason my in-laws do the opposite of what they say they are gonna do. Most of my problems ended when I stopped confiding in them and I started posting more here. Alanon is a great place to start because not your sister in law or your mother in law or you can fix him. He has to do that himself. You have to focus on yourself and your well-being. Learning how to cope with the Alcoholic is a long process but the more you read and post here you will learn quickly. I hate that you are going through this, I've been there right where you stand. I made it through it and so can you. Others will be around soon to give you more advice.

Please keep posting because it really helps. We are here for you!

Hugs from NC,
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Old 07-07-2003, 04:39 PM
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Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: georgia
Posts: 531
Oh yeah THE IN-LAWS!!!! Mine are alcoholics and think that drinking cures everything......even if your an alcoholic! My brother in law has had about 12 DUI's, but they still offer him drinks when he goes to their house because they just don't get it!!! They have even given my kids wine for fun. (I did put a stop to that!!)

HOWEVER, stopping an adult from doing something is a different story. Trying to get them to serve or not serve is controlling your husbands environment and that is a big no-no. The 1st step is admitting that we are POWERLESS over others. He and they have to make the choices for themselves. Keep working on you and your program and worry less about his outside influences. We can't change them, but we can change how we react to them and these situations. The way we REACT speaks much louder than what we say.....just like with kids they do what we do not what we say.

Good luck and I totally agree with 2many on not telling them ANYTHING!!!!!

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Old 07-07-2003, 06:21 PM
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Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Cincinnati Ohio
Posts: 94
(((HUGS))). Enablers, that's what they are. It isn't LOVING of them to enable your H to drink or even more UNLOVING behavior on your behalf. It's obvious that they DON'T CARE! If they are doing it to spite you, it's a very cruel thing to do. I would consider it a form of toxic behavior and even worse, emotional abuse!

DETACHMENT is the key. Do something for yourself - get out and away from the whole bunch. And, maybe excuse yourself to take a big bubble bath, do your toe nails, curl your hair, clean the fridge, have a cup of tea or coffee (look over the rim and observe) the behavior. But, just watch them when you don't say a darned thing to any of them!!! Take the "wind out of their sails." Do something special for you. Again, (((HUGS)))
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Old 07-07-2003, 08:33 PM
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Location: Iowa
Posts: 724

One of the first lessons that was practically forced down my throat was that an alcoholic doesn't drink because of something someone says or doesn't say, something someone does or doesn't do.... alcoholics drink because they are alcoholics.

If your A is in a program, it is up to him to find out appropriate responses to people and situations that might be uncomfortable or unmanageable for him. I agree with the others, this is one of those situations over which you are powerless. Whether or not he drinks is up to him, and not anyone else.

I just re-read that, and it sounds harsh. But I also know it's TRUE

HUGS and lots of love
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Old 07-08-2003, 09:17 AM
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Thanks to everyone who replied! And I don't feel that what anyone wrote was harsh. You were all open and honest and to me, that means a lot! Am I the only one with an AH who lies a lot, especially about little things that really don't matter? LOL

I agree that it is an alcoholic's decision to drink or not. But when he's trying hard NOT to drink, I feel his family should respect him and his decision and respect the fact that his drinking is tearing his family apart and stop pushing him.

His sister is the biggest instigator. She is always in his face, wanting him to drink. If she doesn't have beer around, she can always scrounge up a bottle of tequilia or that green apple stuff and it's never good enough for her that she's got 3-4 people drinking with her. She always wants her brother to join in, no matter how many times he tells her no in an hour, she just refuses to respect his decision.

Since he was never pressured like this before I said anything, I can't help but think that the reason his sister & his mother are pressuring him now is because I said something.

I love the advice about not saying anything more and not confiding anything anymore. I have been doing that lately but his sister isn't backing off. She is very pushy, but I'm holding my ground. I have made a stand for us to spend time with my family during holidays instead of his and his sister is livid over this (before we always ditched my family for his).

I love this place, I have finally found somewhere that I feel comfortable and supported. Thanks to all of you for being here & for making me feel better. I know I'll get through all this and I know you all will too. I hope I can help others on this board. Just reading everyone else's posts has been a tremendous relief for me, knowing I'm not alone.


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Old 07-08-2003, 12:40 PM
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Queen of one liners
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Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
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earthgirl, Welcome!

Since I am a people watcher, I can't help but add some observsions of mine....I can't ever remember anyone who drinks alot accecpting No from someone who doesn't drink...It seems as thro drinkers can't stand for anyone to be sober around them...could it be that my not drinking makes them feel guilty?...

It also seems to me there is a certain ritual that goes with the drinking...we humans seem to fear change and if one member of the ritual changes that means that change comes to the whole group.....

I agree with everyone's suggestions that you rely on other people for support rather than family members...I found my first support group at Al-Anon meetings, where I have a sponsor who loves me enough to tell me straigh out the truth as she sees it, a group of people who are there for me day or night who have walked the same path as I have....AND most important people who put a very high price on their RECOVERY and their SERENITY...

I hope you will give Al-Anon a try, if you haven't already.
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