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Old 06-14-2003, 07:24 PM
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Keeping quite
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Unhappy Confused

I have never been to a message board about addicitons. I honestly am a little nervous about posting here.....and I'm sorry if this is long....

I grew up in a family where alcohol was used for two purposes. Medicinal and on SUPER special occassions, which was usually only New Years, at all other times it's use was frowned upon. I understand very little about it.

My husband comes from a very heavily drinking family. His father died when my husband was very young...He was a heavy drinker. My husband's mother is/was a heavy drinker and recently had to be hospitalized as she went a lot crazy, due to the effects of her heavy drinking. His oldest brother is a definate alcoholic and his other is teetering on the edge....

My husband drinks roughly a 30 pack a week, but not all the time. He goes periods when he doesn't drink at all. But then there are times....when he goes out with his brother and comes home, his eyes all dialated, his speech slured. He'll stand infront of me, barely able to stand straight and say "I'm not drunk". It's these times, when he goes out with his brother, when he gets violent. So far it's just been pushing me down or putting me in a headlock. He's never HIT me, though he has left me with some nasty bruises. I don't even need to provoke things. I can talk to him calmly...and it will escalate into abusive actions, usually more verbal than anything. I stay as calm as possible but know in situations like this that there is nothing I can do. Even going to sleep or ignoring him will make him angry and accuse me of "Playing games"....

He stopped drinking for a week after the last episode where he bruised my arm because I wrapped myself around his shoes to keep him from driving.....he wanted to leave because I asked him a silly question regarding my weight loss and he completely freaked (no I didn't not ask him if I looked fat or if he could tell if I lost weight) When he started screaming at me I calmly told him what I asked didn't matter, it was a trivial question and he said that if I was going to try playing mind games with him he was leaving.......Me thinks he was the one playing games at that point but that's another story. The following day we discussed it and I told him if he put another bruise on me ever again I would leave him. He, as he puts it "Put himself on probation from drinking"

A week later he came home with a 30 pack...I said nothing...what could I say?? That night he stayed up till 4:30 in the morning....I woke up and found him with a beer in his hand and talked him into going to bed (he's only violent after going out with his brother drinking...otherwise hes kind of a silly mushy drunk)....He told me he had 10 beers. THE NEXT NIGHT......I woke up and he wasn't in bed!! Again found him in the living room..beer in hand....I asked how many beers have you had? only 4 he answered.....BUT there were 9 empty on the table and one in his hand...I made him aware of this and he was a little stunned....he said...I have one more beer left...I'll drink it and go to bed....and so he did. BUT he drank a 30 pack in two days. He told me when he came to bed...."I think I need to go to a Meeting." I asked him about Alcoholism and he said "No no no I am not an alcoholic. I am a problem drinker. Just a problem drinker....I go to an AA meeting every so often and it straightens me up" (He hasn't been to one since we've been together...at least 3 years.)....I told him that I was very concerned with his drinking habits as of late and had researched a little online....He freaked and told me "You shouldn't be looking up Alcoholism online!!!! If you have a question about alcohol ask me I know everything about it you need to know." (I don't trust his knowlege of alcoholism) He is going to go to a meeting on his next day off...I questioned him about it when he was sober and he confirmed his statement.....I can only hope he follows through...

My husband is a WONDERFUL man. I adore him. He's a wonderful, wonderful husband. He's charming, sweet, and understanding. He's very kind and sensitive. He has a wonderful sense of humor and is a GREAT father (to my stepson who isn't always with us...and he will not drink if his son is in the house)...I couldn't ask for a better husband....until he drinks....and mostly when he goes out with his brother....he has no qualms about drinking and driving...even though he has one dwi.

IS there a such thing as a problem drinker or is my husband just blowing smoke up my butt to try to get me from knowing what he may be in denial about?? That he is indeed an alcoholic. And how do I help him?????
 
Old 06-14-2003, 08:06 PM
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Keeping Quiet -

I'm new to this also and don't know that I can offer you alot of help but wanted you to know that someone is here and listening. There are alot of very helpful knowledgeable people on this site who can really help make a difference. Read what other people have written and check the responses. I'm sure that you will find comfort in what you read.

Have you ever been to an Alanon meeting? I went to two of them this week and it helped alot. Hang in there. Check back on this site and others with alot more knowledge than I have will talk to you and help you deal with your fears and feelings.
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Old 06-14-2003, 08:27 PM
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Hi Keeping quiet
welcome ! when i first went on a chat line about my daughters drinking, i was consistantly told to find an alanon meeting. When I thought i couldnt take it another day, i went. that was 13 mths ago and i haven't ever been sorry.
You are feeling the effects of someone else's drinking and that is reason enough. I used to think there might be such a thing as a problem drinker, but what is a problem drinker verses an alcoholic anyhow?
We cannot control what another person does but we can learn how to take care of ourselves and that is what alanon has done for me with the help of my HP.
Abuse should never be tolerated drunk or sober and you need to remove yourself from a situation when it is called for. Have a plan of escape to a friend or relatives house if need be.
By the way, when it comes to addictions,my first hand experience is they are very good at telling you what they think you want to hear, just to keep you off their case.
Keep coming back Keeping Quiet ! we're all learning.
Hugs
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Old 06-14-2003, 08:33 PM
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Hi Keeping Quiet and welcome to the forums.

My hubby is the most wonderful man in the world, sweetest guy you would ever want to meet but when he drinks, he gets sloppy and nasty and sometimes mean. Not a pretty sight. He got physical once - he pushed me, and only once.....I was on my way out the door after this happened and he asked me for one more chance, which I gave him. I will not tolerate physical abuse. He is in and out of recovery a lot but ever since that one time he hasn't touched me again and if he did, I am out of the door and no more chances. If he touches you again, leave. You need to set your boundaries and keep to them. If you say you are leaving and then you don't, he will know its only an idle threat on your part.

Right now my hubby is sober, I guess its a little over 30 days now and I know he loves me but I hate him drunk......strong word isn't it. Maybe I shouldn't say I hate him, I hate the alcohol, this disease that has a hold on him.

If your hubby seeks help, which only he can do. He will realize that you wanting to educate yourself on alcohol and the disease is only out of concern for him. But you need to know that there is nothing you can do for him, he has to want it. This is where you need to let go and begin taking care of yourself.

Please read the power posts at the top of anon forums, and take a look around. You will find people with similiar stories and so much love and support at this site. The only other thing I would suggest because of the violence is to have a plan. Pack a bag, have some cash on hand, the keys to the car and perhaps the phone number of a local shelter. You need to take care of you and if he starts getting physical, leave!! Get the hell out of there and keep yourself safe!!

Many hugs,
Debbie
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Old 06-14-2003, 08:42 PM
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Hello Keeping Quiet.

I used to think of myself as a problem drinker. I told myself I had to "be careful"... those are actually my mother's words ... which translated I needed to not drink. I did that without knowing a darn thing about alcoholism or AA or recovery of any kind. Now that I've been hanging out here because of codependency, I've taken a number of those "are you an alcoholic" quizzes. On most of them I get a yes. On the other hand, not drinking is really not that tough for me, so it's hard for me to own the word. But I'm not sure it matters what you call it. If you drink dangerously, too much, too often... whatever... you need to knock it off. Unfortunately for the people that love those problem drinkers, the resolve has to come from inside the drinker.

It's hard to say if he really believes what he's telling you. But it's probably a good sign that he at least says "problem" when he refers to his drinking. You can read a lot of stories on this board from people whose loved one thought the problem was with everyone else.

I hope you will take Jojo's suggestion and check out an alanon meeting in your area. Lots of people are dealing with the same things you are, and it helps to know you are not alone. If you feel you have codependency problems, the alanon steps can help you work those out.

Welcome to the forums! Keep posting.

Hugs,
Smoke
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Old 06-15-2003, 09:36 AM
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Hi,

You are right he's trying to divert you from the fact he's in denial about his drinking.

He obviously has a problem but.........your problem is finding and getting yourself to an Alanon meeting. Nothing you can do about him. You have to take care of you.

As I was reading your post I remember an Alanon friend of mine telling me she used to keep an overnight bag in her car in case her alcoholic got out of hand so she could leave.
Abuse is unacceptable under any circumstances no excuses for it whether he's been our drinking with his brother or not.

Ngaire
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