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trust issues new relationship

Old 01-20-2008, 12:00 PM
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gns
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trust issues new relationship

I am having so much trouble trusting new guy B-.

Last night his cellphone rang during a movie - I thought who is calling you saturday night? Then after the movie he went to the bathroom - I assumed it was to talk to "mystery woman".

I asked him later if he was dating anyone else - he said no and i asked how he would feel about keeping it that way and he said that would be wonderful - I, of course, think maybe he just said that because I wanted to hear that, maybe he hesitated too long before answering.

This morning he told me he had a dream about me - I immediately thought of R- emailing the same dream to 2 women and wondered if B- was doing the same thing.

I remember R- lying to my face and looking delighted when he saw me (a lie), every relationship I have had the person lied to me. I don't even know how or what to believe/trust/verify!

What do you do - verify (i don't want to be googling/trying to check his cellphone)? trust my gut?

Last edited by gns; 01-20-2008 at 12:23 PM.
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Old 01-20-2008, 12:14 PM
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WTF? Why would it be strange that he would get a phone call on a Saturday night?

Tarring everyone by the same brush as your ex is unfair to the current guy and entirely a reflection on where you are in your recovery, I would suggest.

Are you going to therapy/al-anon/coda?
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Old 01-20-2008, 12:26 PM
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Gosh GNS, that's a tough situation to be in.

I'm not ready to be in a relationship yet, so I haven't had to be tested on the issue of trust as far as a romantic relationship is concerned.

I know that going into it, I would be questioning every little thing he would say or do, because of my past relationships. That wouldn't be fair to a new man in my life, hence, that is why I'm not even trying at this point.

But, because I KNOW trust would be an issue for me, I think I might ask myself some questions along the way, and I am just guessing here, ok?

- Does he do what he says he's going to do?
- Is he consistant in his words and actions?
- Is he secretive?
- Or, do I imagine him being secretive? (comparing him to my exs)
- Do a recognize a familiar conversation and immediately fall back into my old patterns
of reacting? Yup, I would probably do that!
- But, do I recognize it much quicker now, so I can work on changing it? Hopefully, yes!
- What would be the worst thing that would happen if he proved he wasn't trustworthy?
- How many second chances (if any) would be given in that event?
- Will I survive and go on living my life if he proves not to be trustworthy?
Of course the answer there will be YES!!!

I know I probably haven't helped much...just tossed some ideas out there for you to consider...straight from my brain, which admittedly isn't a very reliable source these days, LOL!

P.S. As far as 'your gut' goes...pay attention to it, don't ignore it, but, give it some time to see if it is your 'gut' speaking to you, or, the past coming back to haunt you. Sometimes it can be hard to know the difference when emotions are involved. Time will tell!
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Old 01-20-2008, 01:14 PM
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My A is my brother and none of my own personal relationships other than him and my mom have been affected by alcohol, so maybe I can't help you, but my take on just reading your post is, maybe you have some issues with trust. I don't know why or even if you do, but to be honest I wouldn't have any issue with someone phoning my partner during a film, or any other time, maybe I'd ask who was it? out of curiosity, but I wouldn't automatically assume if he went to the bathroom after it was to ring some woman. not much help I guess but then again I really dont see a problem.
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Old 01-20-2008, 02:12 PM
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GNS....Read the relevant chapters in Beyond Co-dependency by Melody Beattie about new relationships AFTER doing the ME-work.

An important question for me to think about as a "recovering" co-dep is whether or not I define myself by being in a relationship. If the answer to that question is "No, I don't" then I have to accept that I have no control over the actions of others. ICU's checklist is very valid.

ARL
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Old 01-20-2008, 02:44 PM
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gns
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Thank you, guys.

I fully agree Anvilhead, Karmakoma, and LucyA that there is really nothing wrong with someone calling B- sat night at all, it is just SO HARD to not respond the way I did with R- . The adaptive behaviors then (my gut knew he was up to ni good) are confusing now.

ICU, your response is exactly how I feel, it is hard to sort out "my gut" from fears from the past.

So far B-, SEEMS to be a truly good guy - I just don't know how to tell any of this apart.
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Old 01-20-2008, 06:33 PM
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I learned that my low self-esteem often interfered with my being able to enjoy relationships. My imagination about secret infidelities would run wild. I was very insecure. Always wanting to be loved and accepted got me into some really bad relationships. I would accept any kind of behavior as long as I thought I was loved. These negative feelings were a real road block and often prevented me from sustaining long-term, healthy relationships. It finally became clear to me that not trusting my partner really meant that I didn't trust myself to be smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough, anything enough to keep his attention. These feelings of inadequacy really came out in the way I communicated, and the way I acted towards my partner. Many relationships were ended because of my inability to see myself as a worthy, deserving person.
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Old 01-20-2008, 07:04 PM
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I know that until I work out the majority of my personal issues there is no way I will even consider dating. It wouldn't be fair to the guy or to me. If and when I get into another relationship, I want it to be for the right reasons and for it to be a healthy relationship.

Seeing what you have said about your trust issues makes me wonder how you can succeed? As I see it, without trust a relationship is bound to hurt one or both involved in that relationship.
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Old 01-20-2008, 09:22 PM
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Like others have said it just might not be the right time for you to date. I just went through this. I'm still a mess from the confusion and pain that I caused both of us.
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Old 01-21-2008, 03:19 AM
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I agree with Hope.
I have never been in a relationship with an alcoholic but learnt as a child never to trust anyone. This damaged much of my intelligence. I was a very cautious, untrusting, nervous sort of person. I questioned most things unnecessarily but over time as I built my confidence up, became my own person and starting loving myself back, much of this went away. I believe it is all about you, not him or the past. We tend to accept what we have learned if you know what I mean. It takes alot of hard work to love yourself when it has been damaged. I look at it this way, when I am happy with myself and content, the doubt doesnt enter my mind. Dont get me wrong, that scared girl comes back to haunt me sometimes but I just have to keep working on it and you can too. Maybe try working on you for a while first and spend time with people who care about you and are honest.
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Old 01-21-2008, 06:28 AM
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I know trust will be an obstacle for me as I start dating again. I have a plan tho. I will put up boundaries and trust my instincts. My boundaries will keep me safe and I can validate myself enough to know that if I feel uncomfortable I don't have to go at anyone else's pace but my own.

That doesn't mean that I won't be nervous
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Old 01-21-2008, 07:00 AM
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ICU placed a perfect check list on this thread!

GNS ....I know that when I first broke with my A-it was as if I had to start dating again right way and I did-I failed at it! I had placed enough time on myself and my recovery to allow someone else into my life without putting the burden of my own issues on to them.

Today-I still have a lot of work today but I'm ready for that relationship-and when I have an issue big or small I discuss it with my partner and it is resolved. I will no longer allow myself to be in any type of relationship where I cannot voice my opinion. I'm strong enough and happy enough with myself today to let my needs be met the way I need them met and to voice my opinion without it festering inside and creating chaos that I no longer need.

Maybe you are not ready yet? This is up to you decide......

Cage stated something that is so true "trust my instincts" this is something that I never did before-Today I do this and if I feel inside that it is not good, I RUN! :rof

Good Luck GNS
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