A year ago today.....
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Ccirider, i'm not going to respond in length to this other than please don't share here anymore if you must be so critical of me. I now think you like to stir the pot around here and it's not helpful. I will be VERY upset if this thread gets locked because of your harsh posts. I know i should be moving on and letting go but for some it's not an open and closed book. I think it's too bad that your friend of 24 years doesn't have you to lean on in sad times. And by the way, Mike is a WONDERFUL friend here and very helpful to me and so many others. I would hope you can respect this and not continue as you continue to hurt others and myself. Healing does take time. Thank you.
Originally Posted by ccirider 
Hi hbb:
I know what your thinking: oh no, here is this rude (at least according to moderator Mike) ccirider guy posting to me. Right? I read your post and I have read people's responses to you. I am just waiting for somebody to be honest with you and state the obvious. I have heard a lot of people sending you cyber-hugs and telling you how sorry they are that you are going through all of this during the holidays. Don't expect me to do that because that isn't my idea of support. There is a big difference between sympathy and support, but unfortunately, alcoholics and codependents have an extremely difficult time separating between the two. If alcoholics and codependents want to sit on the pity pot, that is their business, and they can sit on it all they want. When they get good and tired of sitting on that pot, they need to remember to flush behind themselves.
I have been living with a codependent woman for the last 24 years, although I didn't even know what codependency was until 6 months ago. One thing I do know about codependents is that they love sympathy. They are addicted to other human beings in a toxic way and they seek sympathy from others for the pain they are in. I have to constantly remind the codependent in my life to stop talking about the people she is addicted to, but guess what? She cannot stop talking about them. No matter how many times I tell her to stop talking about them and leave them alone, she cannot. It's part of the sickness, and until she faces her problem and gets honest with herself, she will always have this sickness. Since she can't get sympathy from me, guess what she does? She seeks sympathy from elsewhere, and until she faces her problem, she will always be seeking sympathy from others.
So my advice to you hbb is to get on with your life. Your xabf is no longer a part of your life, but here you are still talking about him 6 months later. He has moved on, but you haven't because you are still addicted to him. Doesn't an alcoholic have to stop drinking if they want to recover? Just like an alcoholic cannot pickup a drink, codependents cannot pickup a conversation about the people they are addicted to if they want to recover. I have heard the denials and rationalizations in the other thread that was closed about how they just want to understand their xabfs better. It's all BS to me, and I also say the same thing to alcoholics and addicts when they put forth their denials and rationalizations. Why should codependents be any different?
Okay, I will leave now, and let Mike come along and tell you how rude I am for being honest and apologize to you for my rudeness. His apology isn't going to help you at all in your recovery, but if you take my advice, which comes from MY personal experience (you listening Mike? I am speaking in first person) you might just start to feel better. It works for me Mike! The addict must let go of his addiction, and the codependent must let go of the addict. If you are still talking about the addict that was in your life 6 months ago, that isn't what I would call letting go. I could lie to you if that is what you want, but how is that supposed to benefit you? Truth and honesty benefits us and lies don't, but instead of making truth and honesty our friend, we make it an enemy by labelling it "rude" or "offensive". I wish you the best of luck, have a happy holiday, and STOP talking about your xabf.
Peace.
I know what your thinking: oh no, here is this rude (at least according to moderator Mike) ccirider guy posting to me. Right? I read your post and I have read people's responses to you. I am just waiting for somebody to be honest with you and state the obvious. I have heard a lot of people sending you cyber-hugs and telling you how sorry they are that you are going through all of this during the holidays. Don't expect me to do that because that isn't my idea of support. There is a big difference between sympathy and support, but unfortunately, alcoholics and codependents have an extremely difficult time separating between the two. If alcoholics and codependents want to sit on the pity pot, that is their business, and they can sit on it all they want. When they get good and tired of sitting on that pot, they need to remember to flush behind themselves.
I have been living with a codependent woman for the last 24 years, although I didn't even know what codependency was until 6 months ago. One thing I do know about codependents is that they love sympathy. They are addicted to other human beings in a toxic way and they seek sympathy from others for the pain they are in. I have to constantly remind the codependent in my life to stop talking about the people she is addicted to, but guess what? She cannot stop talking about them. No matter how many times I tell her to stop talking about them and leave them alone, she cannot. It's part of the sickness, and until she faces her problem and gets honest with herself, she will always have this sickness. Since she can't get sympathy from me, guess what she does? She seeks sympathy from elsewhere, and until she faces her problem, she will always be seeking sympathy from others.
So my advice to you hbb is to get on with your life. Your xabf is no longer a part of your life, but here you are still talking about him 6 months later. He has moved on, but you haven't because you are still addicted to him. Doesn't an alcoholic have to stop drinking if they want to recover? Just like an alcoholic cannot pickup a drink, codependents cannot pickup a conversation about the people they are addicted to if they want to recover. I have heard the denials and rationalizations in the other thread that was closed about how they just want to understand their xabfs better. It's all BS to me, and I also say the same thing to alcoholics and addicts when they put forth their denials and rationalizations. Why should codependents be any different?
Okay, I will leave now, and let Mike come along and tell you how rude I am for being honest and apologize to you for my rudeness. His apology isn't going to help you at all in your recovery, but if you take my advice, which comes from MY personal experience (you listening Mike? I am speaking in first person) you might just start to feel better. It works for me Mike! The addict must let go of his addiction, and the codependent must let go of the addict. If you are still talking about the addict that was in your life 6 months ago, that isn't what I would call letting go. I could lie to you if that is what you want, but how is that supposed to benefit you? Truth and honesty benefits us and lies don't, but instead of making truth and honesty our friend, we make it an enemy by labelling it "rude" or "offensive". I wish you the best of luck, have a happy holiday, and STOP talking about your xabf.
Peace.
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ICU thank you so much for such a wonderful post, i truly appreciate all the love and support i get here from you guys. I do think i did hit my bottom. Today is certainly not as bad as i may have anticipated, i'm keeping busy and have had fun. That list is a great idea! I have thought about that for the new year, of accomplishments i want to conquor! I've also tried to not let the "i wonder's" take over my life. It's a process but it truly is great to know that i have you guys to come to when i'm feeling down and need to talk, despite what some may think.
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CC, I agree with you in theory, however I do not think you can put a timeline on this for everyone. Recovery comes in waves. The bad times ought to get fewer and farther inbetween with the good times longer. But should a person recover in a day? A month? A year? Now Heather, if you go on for years and you aren't making progress, I'll come around and rough ya up! My numb periods, or recovered periods, whatever you want to call it, get longer and longer, but I'm nowhere near where a lot of others are on this forum. I used to want revenge, and now I just don't have any motivation for it. I like the peace, too!
So Heather, it will come, you'll move on. But I'm afraid if a person forces it, he/she's not really going to get over it, just bury it. I don't think that's a good way to heal and learn.
So Heather, it will come, you'll move on. But I'm afraid if a person forces it, he/she's not really going to get over it, just bury it. I don't think that's a good way to heal and learn.
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Originally Posted by ccirider
I. I have to constantly remind the codependent in my life to stop talking about the people she is addicted to, but guess what? She cannot stop talking about them. No matter how many times I tell her to stop talking about them and leave them alone, she cannot.
HBB, you just keep at it. Here's some more (((((()))))'s.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
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My post is not only correct in theory, as others have said, but it also works for me in practice. If talking about your ex 6 months later at Christmas time makes you happy, then keep talking about him. Maybe talking about him is just going to make you more miserable? Just a thought from a harsh, rude guy. I know that you don't want your thread closed because of my truth and honesty, so I will take my exit. Have a happy holiday, and I hope that you do find something in your life to bring you happiness. My advice is to find out what you are doing that is making you miserable and stop doing it. I gave you one plausible suggestion, but I am sure that there are others.
Mike, no need to shut down the thread...I won't be posting in this thread anymore.
Mike, no need to shut down the thread...I won't be posting in this thread anymore.
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Co-Dependent Wife?????
I like I Wonder statements like...I wonder why this co-dependent wife is still with her "sober" angry husband?
I wonder if she listens to him when he treats her with disrespect?
I wonder what quality of life this "sober" person has when all he seems to do is critical assessments of everyone that comes close to him?
I wonder what I would have done if I hadn't divorced the very same type of man but he wasn't sober?
I wonder if I would have allowed my children to be around this man if I had known the disgusting truth about him before he was arrested for child sexual abuse?
There are a lot of I Wonders out in our world and we are responsible for our own I Wonders and if we deal with our own...we wouldn't have time to be critical of others when they need tender loving care.
I need to stop now...am glad my xah died of a heart attack before he could destroy more lives. I sure let him destroy my life for a while until I figured out what I needed to do to take care of myself and my children.
kelsh
I wonder if she listens to him when he treats her with disrespect?
I wonder what quality of life this "sober" person has when all he seems to do is critical assessments of everyone that comes close to him?
I wonder what I would have done if I hadn't divorced the very same type of man but he wasn't sober?
I wonder if I would have allowed my children to be around this man if I had known the disgusting truth about him before he was arrested for child sexual abuse?
There are a lot of I Wonders out in our world and we are responsible for our own I Wonders and if we deal with our own...we wouldn't have time to be critical of others when they need tender loving care.
I need to stop now...am glad my xah died of a heart attack before he could destroy more lives. I sure let him destroy my life for a while until I figured out what I needed to do to take care of myself and my children.
kelsh
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It is a good thing because I just wrote a post that included my xah that has been gone from my life for 23 years and is dead now due to a heart attack. I still have horror dreams with him in them...wake up shaking and afraid that he is going to hurt me and mine again. Some abuse never goes away...it is like a video that plays over and over in my head when something rears the ugly memories with a song or story or arrest of another abuser.
I have a very good life and my children are all wonderful but they, too, have those memories that are tucked away in their minds and some of my 5 children hate this man so much still to this day...there has been no forgiveness toward him.
I shouldn't let this hold power over me anymore...I don't know if this forum has a blocking area on it so I don't have to read this mans posts...I somehow can't go past one without reading it because I know he is going to be hurting someone else.
kelsh
I have a very good life and my children are all wonderful but they, too, have those memories that are tucked away in their minds and some of my 5 children hate this man so much still to this day...there has been no forgiveness toward him.
I shouldn't let this hold power over me anymore...I don't know if this forum has a blocking area on it so I don't have to read this mans posts...I somehow can't go past one without reading it because I know he is going to be hurting someone else.
kelsh
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Ccirider, a self-admitted "harsh, rude guy", you strike me as being a very, very angry person. I have been very angry in the past, but I don't believe I have focused it on others on here (maybe at the XABF, though). I have found that posts written in response to me are far more helpful if they are gently written and helpful, as opposed to aggressive and rude. I've also found that being a pit-bull with my XABF alienated him, and didn't help him in the least. Loving suggestions may not either, but you know the saying about acid. It destroys the vessel that holds it.
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I have limited my posts to the OP because I don't want to derail the thread, so I won't be responding to anybody else posting to me. Heather has made it clear that she doesn't want her thread closed and I respect her wishes. Please respect her wishes and direct your posts to her and not me.
Peace.
Peace.
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(((Kelsh)))
I'm so sorry you are still feeling the pain of your exh. I can't even imagine how that must feel, the playing over and over again and your children's memories. I'm am greatful that i will hopefully get that second chance to be with the right person. I think somedays (like today) that i think less and less of him and starting to turn that corner.
It's funny and nice, my brother came home tonight from a friends house and her mom said "i thought they were it, Heather & J", that's what EVERYONE thought. Wasn't lack of wanting it on my behalf!
I'm so sorry you are still feeling the pain of your exh. I can't even imagine how that must feel, the playing over and over again and your children's memories. I'm am greatful that i will hopefully get that second chance to be with the right person. I think somedays (like today) that i think less and less of him and starting to turn that corner.
It's funny and nice, my brother came home tonight from a friends house and her mom said "i thought they were it, Heather & J", that's what EVERYONE thought. Wasn't lack of wanting it on my behalf!
Originally Posted by kelsh
It is a good thing because I just wrote a post that included my xah that has been gone from my life for 23 years and is dead now due to a heart attack. I still have horror dreams with him in them...wake up shaking and afraid that he is going to hurt me and mine again. Some abuse never goes away...it is like a video that plays over and over in my head when something rears the ugly memories with a song or story or arrest of another abuser.
I have a very good life and my children are all wonderful but they, too, have those memories that are tucked away in their minds and some of my 5 children hate this man so much still to this day...there has been no forgiveness toward him.
I shouldn't let this hold power over me anymore...I don't know if this forum has a blocking area on it so I don't have to read this mans posts...I somehow can't go past one without reading it because I know he is going to be hurting someone else.
kelsh
I have a very good life and my children are all wonderful but they, too, have those memories that are tucked away in their minds and some of my 5 children hate this man so much still to this day...there has been no forgiveness toward him.
I shouldn't let this hold power over me anymore...I don't know if this forum has a blocking area on it so I don't have to read this mans posts...I somehow can't go past one without reading it because I know he is going to be hurting someone else.
kelsh
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Join Date: Nov 2007
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Heather -
Recently I have been dwelling on memories of a person and wishing it would turn into a relationship. I know that staying focused on this person is only making me unhappy; playing things over and over in my mind trying to find hidden meaning in every conversation. Yesterday I tried something new. I promised myself that everytime I thought of this person I would make myself think of something else. In my case, I chose to think of a trip I took many years ago; so there were many good memories I could spend time thinking about. It really worked for me, and I actually was not thinking about this person nearly as often. Maybe this could help you, too?
Recently I have been dwelling on memories of a person and wishing it would turn into a relationship. I know that staying focused on this person is only making me unhappy; playing things over and over in my mind trying to find hidden meaning in every conversation. Yesterday I tried something new. I promised myself that everytime I thought of this person I would make myself think of something else. In my case, I chose to think of a trip I took many years ago; so there were many good memories I could spend time thinking about. It really worked for me, and I actually was not thinking about this person nearly as often. Maybe this could help you, too?
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I've been really trying that Nowin, well i force myself to do that. I certainly does help at times and i keep busy and keep moving. If i find i'm sitting thinking about him i get up and move onto the next thing.
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Well as luck would have it, i just passed my exabf on the 2 mile drive to my parents for Christmas Eve. Isn't it always the way, now i'm in a funk at my parents house after seeing him. Just had to pull it together and now it's on my mind....figures, always at the worst times....I'm never getting over this i've come to realize. WHY 
i know he's around but like i said, just a short drive and bam, there he is when a year ago this very moment we were doing so great on Christmas Eve and having fun.
i know he's around but like i said, just a short drive and bam, there he is when a year ago this very moment we were doing so great on Christmas Eve and having fun.
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Originally Posted by hbb
....I'm never getting over this i've come to realize. WHY
L
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I'm sitting here trying to put myself in your shoes, Heather, and it's actually making me take inventory of my relationships. I'm realizing that some of them were more fantasy-based and some of them were more reality-based. My ex-husband was of the reality-type and I found it pretty easy to shut the door on him. I do not condone or respect the things he did and I remember them well, but I did not dwell on it for a long period of time. I hold them up more as examples of behavior I will NEVER tolerate again. Then there's my recent XABF, who was all fantasy because of where I saw the relationship going and what it really was. I am beginning to think that the "ghost of R" is what has haunted me for these long years. That ghost is a decent, moral person. R is a amoral, lying wreck of a man.
When you start to miss J, are you focusing on the fantasy man you created? That's what my mind starts doing when my feelings for R start to soften. I'm wondering if you are going to really have to start playing hardball with your mind. Have you made a list of the awful things he did to you? Of how he left you? Would it help to carry that list around?
Is there anyone else who knows J for who he truly is? I'm telling you, my friend D keeps me on the straight and narrow. If I start wavering, she is RIGHT there to remind me that R is in NO WAY the decent person I ever thought he was and she is right on the mark.
I'm just rambling on here because I don't have much of an answer for you. But I'm telling you, J is not the only man in the world who can make you happy. I got that straight from "How To Break Your Addiction to a Person" and I remind myself that all the time.
(((Hugs)))
When you start to miss J, are you focusing on the fantasy man you created? That's what my mind starts doing when my feelings for R start to soften. I'm wondering if you are going to really have to start playing hardball with your mind. Have you made a list of the awful things he did to you? Of how he left you? Would it help to carry that list around?
Is there anyone else who knows J for who he truly is? I'm telling you, my friend D keeps me on the straight and narrow. If I start wavering, she is RIGHT there to remind me that R is in NO WAY the decent person I ever thought he was and she is right on the mark.
I'm just rambling on here because I don't have much of an answer for you. But I'm telling you, J is not the only man in the world who can make you happy. I got that straight from "How To Break Your Addiction to a Person" and I remind myself that all the time.
(((Hugs)))
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Originally Posted by hbb
I'm never getting over this i've come to realize. WHY
What that tells me is you might want to dig deeper and see if you can find something in yourself that makes you want to keep him in the forefront and in control of your future.
For me, thoughts of "I can't," "I'm never" and all the other variations of negative thinking have the effect of making sure I do not succeed at whatever the issue or problem or task is.
Try changing your thoughts to the positive instead. Even partial positive. Something along the line of "I'm thinking about him again and it hurts. But now that I've caught myself in the negative thoughts, I'm stopping right now. Ins tead I will think about pink elephants everytime he comes to mind." You can train yourself to think differently and stop the negative thinking that can be part of what is hoilding you back.
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What's changed in the last year
First of all, Merry Christmas to everyone on SR! My healing really started here, thanks to each and every post from EVERYONE.
Heather, it's a great idea to take stock of what's happened in the last year, good as well as bad. For the good, why was it good, and is it something in your control? For the bad, what made it bad, and is there anything you can do to change it? For what's in your life, what are you grateful for, and for what you wish were in your life, what can you do to make that happen?
You and I came on the site at roughly the same time. Your honest sharing has done worlds to validate some of the same things I felt and contributed immensely to my own recovery. We feel those things because we are human beings. We were not prepared to accept some of the realties life has thrown us. However, expressing how we experience them makes them realer. It hurts, but ultimately the pain lessens as the freshness wears off and we come away with healthier ways of coping and improved honesty with ourself.
In the intermittent times I read the site, I always look for your posts first. I've noticed the incredible love you've shown yourself by working out, spending time with safe friends and loved ones, and trying meetings and books. And now you have put your beautiful picture up as your avatar! That shows tons of confidence and self acceptance.
It's very, very normal to feel things at key anniversaries and holidays. It seems in your case you have the added challenge of remaining in close geographical proximity with the XABF and people who tell you news about him, which must be very painful when contrasted with your memories of better times. So some of the suggestions about simply forcing yourself to forget may not be that practical, although time eventually does change people. For you, the time has made you better and stronger. Since you are a better person, how much can you view the old relationship as one between two other people that happened some time ago? Be thankful for the good times and close that chapter. Since you are different, if your small town does throw you together with him at some point and you choose to talk in a safe situation, and see him through fresh eyes, do you think it possible you may find that he's changed into a person you really might not feel such a special connection with anymore? It happened to me, and each time the attraction was less, and made it so much easier to deal with reality than fantasy.
Anyway, you have come miles in the last year, and that is a great thing to be proud of.
Cheyne
Heather, it's a great idea to take stock of what's happened in the last year, good as well as bad. For the good, why was it good, and is it something in your control? For the bad, what made it bad, and is there anything you can do to change it? For what's in your life, what are you grateful for, and for what you wish were in your life, what can you do to make that happen?
You and I came on the site at roughly the same time. Your honest sharing has done worlds to validate some of the same things I felt and contributed immensely to my own recovery. We feel those things because we are human beings. We were not prepared to accept some of the realties life has thrown us. However, expressing how we experience them makes them realer. It hurts, but ultimately the pain lessens as the freshness wears off and we come away with healthier ways of coping and improved honesty with ourself.
In the intermittent times I read the site, I always look for your posts first. I've noticed the incredible love you've shown yourself by working out, spending time with safe friends and loved ones, and trying meetings and books. And now you have put your beautiful picture up as your avatar! That shows tons of confidence and self acceptance.
It's very, very normal to feel things at key anniversaries and holidays. It seems in your case you have the added challenge of remaining in close geographical proximity with the XABF and people who tell you news about him, which must be very painful when contrasted with your memories of better times. So some of the suggestions about simply forcing yourself to forget may not be that practical, although time eventually does change people. For you, the time has made you better and stronger. Since you are a better person, how much can you view the old relationship as one between two other people that happened some time ago? Be thankful for the good times and close that chapter. Since you are different, if your small town does throw you together with him at some point and you choose to talk in a safe situation, and see him through fresh eyes, do you think it possible you may find that he's changed into a person you really might not feel such a special connection with anymore? It happened to me, and each time the attraction was less, and made it so much easier to deal with reality than fantasy.
Anyway, you have come miles in the last year, and that is a great thing to be proud of.
Cheyne
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"How much can you view the old relationship as one between two other people that happened some time ago?"
OMG, I'm glad you pointed this out. Back in 12/06 when I found out my XABF was living with a woman and it was serious, it blew me out of the water. I hadn't talked to him for over a year, but in my MIND he was still MINE. I don't know why I thought that way, but I was really shell-shocked. All that time I thought he was pining for me, which was dumb, but my mind isn't always the brightest.
This time he may have tried a disappearance act, but I kept close tabs on him and forced myself to learn the brutal truth. Ha! Boy was I fooled. There WAS no US, it was all his fantasy BS. Sheesh, he was US with the old GF before I got the bill from his call saying he "wanted me back."
It has been alien to my mind and painful, but I am forcing my mind to think of "them" as a couple and I am not part of it. They were meant to be, maybe she brings him peace, and maybe she loves him far more than I ever did. He's not with me, he's with her, and that is his decision. That is what was, and I'm now on to who I am going to be. Bye bye, R.
OMG, I'm glad you pointed this out. Back in 12/06 when I found out my XABF was living with a woman and it was serious, it blew me out of the water. I hadn't talked to him for over a year, but in my MIND he was still MINE. I don't know why I thought that way, but I was really shell-shocked. All that time I thought he was pining for me, which was dumb, but my mind isn't always the brightest.
This time he may have tried a disappearance act, but I kept close tabs on him and forced myself to learn the brutal truth. Ha! Boy was I fooled. There WAS no US, it was all his fantasy BS. Sheesh, he was US with the old GF before I got the bill from his call saying he "wanted me back."
It has been alien to my mind and painful, but I am forcing my mind to think of "them" as a couple and I am not part of it. They were meant to be, maybe she brings him peace, and maybe she loves him far more than I ever did. He's not with me, he's with her, and that is his decision. That is what was, and I'm now on to who I am going to be. Bye bye, R.
Live, Laugh, Love
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
Why? Because you choose not to. It's entirely up to you, Heather. I was with my X for 20 years, married 18. We have two kids and I see him every other weekend. I suppose I could be in a funk twice a month whenever I see him, but I really don't want to live my life like that. Why do you?
L
L
Last edited by hbb; 12-25-2007 at 07:59 PM.
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