Because

I have been married to an alcoholic for 8 years (lived with him for one year before marriage). He is presently in rehab for the second time this year. He was also in rehab 4 years ago. Over the years he has tried various approaches, but was never able to follow through.

I have saved his life over and over again. But, I suppose some people just don't want to be saved. I truly believe he would not be alive if he wasn't with me (or anyone else that would be there to save him).

Up until the last year, he was a highly functional alcoholic, with a successful business and able to plan and do activities with me. Fortunately, he has a business partner and still has his very profitable business. But, he has basically checked out of life. His alcholism has progressed terribly over the last 2 years (as it does as one gets older).

During one of his binges, I consulted an attorney to file for a legal separation. He showed up and I sent him to the ER and onto detox and rehab. I decided not to pursue any legal action, as I had promised him that I would not do so if he went into rehab.

Well....it's been a week since his re-entry. He has been offensive, verbally abusive, and downright nasty. My life is chaos and he does not recognize all that I have done for him and am doing for him right now. I am exhausted beyond belief. We don't have children (chose not to), but I have been taking care of an "adolescent" all these years. I feel bad for him because he had a childhood of abuse and now suffers from PTSD. I don't believe he can stay sober or take care of himself. But, I am waiting for him to take care of me. I realize that this may never be possible.

CarolD

Welcome to SR..

Have you read the top sticky post here?
That's a good way to begin.

I used Al anon when I was dealing with
my adult children's addictions.
Worked well for me...

Blessings

Aquarian

Hi Because,
It sounds emotionally draining to be saving him. I am sure you will hear many suggest Al-Anon.

You have a life and deserve happiness.

It sounds like you have love and feel responsibilty for him, but you can't control it. You can't fix him no matter how hard you may try. It's for him to do.

Take care of yourself and keep visiting ok?

ICU

Welcome to SR Because. Glad to have you here.

Ahhh, yes! I remember that exhaustion very well. I felt more energetic when I had mono when compared to being with my ex. Taking on the responsibility of another adult does that to a person.

See I thought that when you love someone, you stick by them no matter what, and do everything possible for them. That was my training, if you will. And he was a very willing participant in that equation! But by giving him everything I had to give, and getting 'nothing' in return, I had nothing left for myself.

It was through some Alanon meetings, other support groups, individual counseling, coming here, and by reading many, many books on codependency by Melody Beattie that I slowly came to realize that I was the only person (adult) that I was responsible for. What a rude awakening that was!

In my particular case, it became necessary to end the relationship. When that happened, the majority of the exhaustion passed very quickly. Additionally, through a lot of hard work on myself over the past couple of years, I have changed my life, completely for the better!

Keep coming back Because. There's loads of good reading material in this forum and at the top in the stickies.

Again, welcome to SR!

denny57

Welcome to SR, Because, glad you're here!

I only realize this looking back, but AH's verbal abuse (and the rest of it) really started to increase when he realized his hold on my good nature was slipping. As far as recognizing my contribution to the marriage - forget about it! We are in trial for our divorce because he believes he will be the first case in California to beat the community property law. Maybe it's because he's Canadian LOL!

On the flip side, this could be your husband's way of handling early sobriety.

Do you attend Al-Anon?

Because

Thank you for responding. I would love to hear from someone who has managed to "start over" with the same man. I have very little hope that this is possible. How about a success story?

We have so much going for us. We are in our 40's. No children and plenty of money. We could be seeing the world right now. We have many of the same interests. And underneath all of the bad stuff, we had a great deal of love and passion for each other.

No, I don't attend al-anon and would not do so. This is a very private matter and I would not feel comfortable going to a public forum to discuss it. I live in the Northeast in a suburban, well-off community. It's not my style. Also, I have read about al-anon and their mantra of detachment could only lead to more acceptance of the situation. I have fought hard not to accept his alcoholism.

denny57

I understand your concerns about Al-Anon, it isn't for everyone.

I consider my story a success because today I live the life I love.

Good luck and keep posting!

ARealLady

Hello, Because, and welcome to SR.

but AH's verbal abuse (and the rest of it) really started to increase when he realized his hold on my good nature was slipping.

That rings a bell for me, too. XABF turned nasty when I began to make it clear to myself that the relationship was not healthy for me. Staying detached was perceived as "cold" and "self-centered". When I informed him via email that I wanted no contact until he was sober and working a programme for at least a year, he a mean streak emerged which I had never imagined consisting of verbal threats and accusations.

"Sugar Mommy" (thanks, Desert Eyes!) was gone and As don't like that!

I have been taking care of an "adolescent" all these years. I feel bad for him because he had a childhood of abuse

Most importantly, you are not his mother. XABF had, by his account, a pretty horrific childhood too but he is the only one who can lay those demons to rest.

ARealLady

I have read about al-anon and their mantra of detachment could only lead to more acceptance of the situation.

I haven't attended Al-anon so can't address whether or not a meeting is a good or bad thing (although...LOL....I see some pretty together people on this forum who swear by it!). I don't know where the "mantras" (?) of detachment originated but, however you come to the concept, detachment encourages personal growth because it shows you that you can control yourself through boundaries. If anything, based on my own experience with detaching, with boundaries I was able to see more clearly what I would and would not tolerate from others.

May I suggest a wonderful book here? Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie. It's full of ideas about how to detach, how to set boundaries and how to live YOUR life regardless of whether you stay or you go.

ARL

Jazzman

Welcome to SR. I found that reading subject matter literature, a very good therapist who specialized in addiction counseling, and posting here has provided the support and education I needed.

I thought rescuing was a valid solution too. I grew to resent my ex because my efforts didn't produce the desired results.

There are some classic posts that might help...

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...cters-1-a.html

and my favorite...

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...hlight=10+ways

DesertEyes

Hi there Because, and welcome to this wonderful website

There are some, and they will be along shortly.

The purpose of al-anon is to provide you with a wide variety of "tools" with which to deal with a loved one's addiction. You are perfectly welcomed to just sit thru a few meeting in order to observe and say _nothing_ at all. If for no other reason, just go check out their literature as they have tons of it and it's all packed full of wonderful information.

It's not about acceptance of _his_ situation. It's about acceptance of those things you cannot change, and a plan of action for those things you _can_ change. The whole objective is to give _you_ the ability to lead the life that _you_ decide you want, instead of a life that is decided _for_ you by a bottle of booze.

I live in Las Vegas. We have some of the wealthiest people on the planet come thru here. Celebrities from the world of movies and finance drop in on a daily basis. The meetings are held far from the wealthy parts of town, where folks can come by in complete anonymity.

If you should decide to visit a meeting of al-anon, and you happen to see someone of great fame and fortune, we ask that you respect their need for privacy. As you clearly have an understanding of this need, you will appreciate that need and respect it. You will find that the membership of al-anon _all_ have a need for privacy, even those of limited means. Nobody wants this stuff spread around.

I understand. Recovery is about accepting the choices _I_ make, and about finding better choices than what I have in the past. If al-anon does not meet your needs there are many other forms of recovery. I do suggest that before you give up on any one form of recovery you at least make a visit or two and take with you whatever "pearls of wisdom" you find useful.

Welcome again, and I hope you find SoberRecovery a useful and comfortabe place.

Mike

Because

Again, thank you to everyone for posting.

I would really like to hear, I suppose, my version of a success story. A success story to me is one in which the husband chooses a life of sobriety and can be a full partner.

My husband was my best friend. We did everyting together. We don't have children. He always drank, but in the last year (or two), he has become progressively worse. I have lost him. Before this downward spiral, we traveled together, and had great times together doing everything from the mundane to the spectacular. We spent a lot of time together.

Pilgrim

My name is Stephanie and I am a recoveing alcoholic and codependant.

Your husband is very sick but with this illness, tender loving care is in a different form. The usual nursing won't help.

The best success story you can find is in the chapter of Alcoholics Anonymous addressed "To Wives". You can find it online. If you are willing to go to any lengths to have a good outcome for yourself, the answer is there.

No one can say whether your husband is going to make it and have a good outcome but there is a lot you can do to help it happen. All we can do is advise from our experience what worked for us. Not all of us live through the final stages of alcoholism. I suggest action.

You are not alone. Everyone here understands so you will have lots of support along the way. I wish you all the very best of luck in getting him back.

God be with you.

Spiritual Seeker

It sounds like really you have spent 8 yrs. accepting his alcoholism and keeping control of the situation ready to be the savior as needed. I am sure you have adapted as his disease has progressed. I talk about the fact that my only child is an addict son in a group as that is my truth. It has allowed me to be in touch with my emotions and it is awesome to be around others who are also emotionally available. We all handle loving as addict in our own way. For me, it is awesome to find others in the same situation as me and be able to share and have someone relate to me w/o judgement. That has been my exper. with Alanon.
Addiction is an equal opportunity destroyer...rich and poor alike.
Wishing you peace as you figure out how much you can take of the way things are.

AWEDA

Because,
My heart goes out to you. I am in the beginning of what I hope will be a success story. It took a very long time to get here. My AH has been to rehab 4 times,jail, mental hospitals. He is now embracing sobriety,will it last, I cannot answer that. All I know is he will live with this God awful demon the rest of his life. I read a book called getting them sober,it is free online go to the website,they will mail it to your home. The information I found in that book was very helpful. I had to do alot of soul searching about myself through all this. You see we have been apart for 6 months,this was what I believe helped us both get on the right track to a life free of addiction and codependency. If love alone would have saved him he would have been sober years ago. This disease is too powerful,that I could not accept until now.I wish you well,take care of you so you will be able to feel some peace. God Bless...........

DesertEyes

My sponsor is one of those success stories. He's been married to the same lady 40yrs, and only 34 of those he's been sober. From the stories they tell, the first few years while drinking were a nightmare.

A good place to hear such stories directly from the recovering alcoholics is a meeting of AA. There are meetings open to the community for that purpose, they are called "open speaker" meetings. You'll have to call the AA central office and ask them to direct you to an "open speaker" meeting specifically. AA has "closed" meetings that are _not_ open to spouses and you don't want to accidentally wander into one of those.

You can also hop over "next door" to the forum for alcoholics right here on Sober Recovery and introduce yourself as a spouse. They're very welcoming of spouses, ask for CarolD or Peter.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-step-support/

Mike

criss-cross

I lost my best friend too.

We had dreams together.
I could share anything with him.
Plans to fix up this house, vacations, watching the kids grow.

And then most of my time with him - was his problems.
He stopped listening to me. He stopped being around me (well, sober anyway). He started yelling and screaming and demanding money.

How could my best friend do that? (alcoholic or not) Why would I want a friend like that - I DESERVE TO BE TREATED BETTER! (and so do you!)

Over the last few years I have learned that I am my own best friend. And I have found several new friends too, and my old college girlfriends are closer that they were before.
I have found that sharing my story, whether it be to co-workers, other friends, Al-anon, anyone - has empowered me and made me stronger in my journey.
I can't make AH be my friend again if he doesn't want to/or can't be an equal partner. I can't make him be the kind of friend I want him to be/ or that he was. He controls that.

I NEVER wanted to be divorced. And yet when the time came, I knew with all my heart that was what I had to do. Yes it was a very emotional time, both of the times I went to a lawyer to talk about getting a divorce. (I gave him a second chance even with that)

Because,
Welcome & Keep coming back here - we have all been where you are. We care about someone who is an alcoholic.

fluffyflea

Hi,

Keep reading and posting. are there any alanon meetings in your area?

Don't expect him to recognize everything you have done or are doing fo rhim.. they generally don't unless they have been sober for awhile.

Time to take care of you.

Ngaire

LaTeeDa

I used to ask this question a lot myself. Of course it's possible. What I was really asking is "what can I do to make it happen?" Unfortunately, it's out of your hands. You can help yourself, though, and make your life better regardless of what your husband does or doesn't do.

L

newenglandgirl

Welcome to SR Because.

When I first starting waking up to the severity of my exAH's alcoholism, I too wanted to believe that him getting better was just around the corner.

My first step was educating myself about the disease. I read and read and read for hours. And spent a lot of time, here, at SR.

I learned that, indeed, there are some success stories, but there are way more sad endings. I learned that even when they do manage do get sober, many of them have serious relapses over and over again.

I realized that for me, too much had been said, too much had happened, for me to ever feel the same about him. I simply couldn't trust him anymore. And that for me was the breaking point. I knew I couldn't stay with someone I did not feel safe with. Sober or Drunk.