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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
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Originally Posted by Barbara52 
QU31, I don't think you are weak for staying. Lots of people choose to stay with their alcoholic. In many cases it works. For many of us the right choice for us was to leave. One of the biggest factors of course is whether the A in the relationship is indeed working the program/in recovery. I think you will find that most who choose to leave do so because their A is not in recovery.
Thanks for your post and glad you are here!
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
If you want to stay with him, you are allowed to stay. If you want to leave, you are allowed to leave. One of the most important lessons I learned was that I do not have to justify my actions or inactions at every turn to people who think I should make a different decision. Its my life, not anyone elses.
It is difficult for me to hear you going through bc although you sound like you arent bothered by it, I remember how I felt when I was going through it.
Al-anon isnt for everyone but there are lots of books and tools to use to help one cope with being in a relationship with a person whose drinking is affecting them. Whether or not he is an alcoholic, I dont believe any of us are at liberty to say. I am of the belief that I only use that title when someone has said they are an alcoholic. Until then, someones drinking is affecting me, but Im not a doctor or a substance abuse expert (Pretty damn close tho!).
I hope you stick around
It is difficult for me to hear you going through bc although you sound like you arent bothered by it, I remember how I felt when I was going through it.
Al-anon isnt for everyone but there are lots of books and tools to use to help one cope with being in a relationship with a person whose drinking is affecting them. Whether or not he is an alcoholic, I dont believe any of us are at liberty to say. I am of the belief that I only use that title when someone has said they are an alcoholic. Until then, someones drinking is affecting me, but Im not a doctor or a substance abuse expert (Pretty damn close tho!).
I hope you stick around
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Join Date: Jun 2007
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Posts: 1,301
Originally Posted by Pick-a-name
I agree. In some cases (like mine and several others here), it was my exAH who left me; I had hoped to keep the marriage together.
Thanks for your post and glad you are here!
Thanks for your post and glad you are here!
I know you have high hopes, i did as well and your bf may recover differently, i hope he does for your relationship. I think everyone here is just sharing their experiences and i know that everyone here has gotten me through such a horrible time and i'm so thankful for everyone here
Hang in there Italiangirl, you'll know if you've had enough Last edited by hbb; 10-10-2007 at 12:26 PM.
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: CT
Posts: 33
Well, if there's one thing I can ALWAYS count on, it's TONS of stuff to read when I get home from work!!!
Thank you, EVERYONE.
QU31 - Thank you SO much. (I can't take credit for my name, my Mom picked it!!)
But seriously, thank you for your post. I know it's not going to be easy - but knowing that he WANTS to change, makes me want to stay, to support him (not so much financially anymore, but emotionally) and help him in whatever way I can.
I commend you for what you're doing, in a world where so many people just go LEAVE HIM! right away .... Its nice to know someone else out there is in the same boat I am ....
He gets his lisence back in March and is getting a better paying job ----- to help out more. Thank God. I know, 5 months away, but at least it's a goal.
There's so much more I wanted to say - but right now, my head's swimming ... I'll come back on later when my mind isn't wrapped around all my projects at work, the essays on here (not complaining, love to read them!) and his impending court date tomorrow .....
Thank you, EVERYONE.
QU31 - Thank you SO much. (I can't take credit for my name, my Mom picked it!!)
But seriously, thank you for your post. I know it's not going to be easy - but knowing that he WANTS to change, makes me want to stay, to support him (not so much financially anymore, but emotionally) and help him in whatever way I can.
I commend you for what you're doing, in a world where so many people just go LEAVE HIM! right away .... Its nice to know someone else out there is in the same boat I am ....
He gets his lisence back in March and is getting a better paying job ----- to help out more. Thank God. I know, 5 months away, but at least it's a goal.
There's so much more I wanted to say - but right now, my head's swimming ... I'll come back on later when my mind isn't wrapped around all my projects at work, the essays on here (not complaining, love to read them!) and his impending court date tomorrow .....
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: CT
Posts: 33
Originally Posted by Astro
I was a social drinker too. The more I drank, the more social I got, and I even felt socially acceptable. What I was hiding from my friends, family, co-workers, and peers was that I was mentally, verbally, and emotionally abusing my wife and children. Turning the corner from being a "nice guy" to being Mr. Hyde was part of the progression for me.
Thanks for your post. I wouldn't honestly say he's ABUSIVE. Things he does aren't the NICEST sometimes ... but I wouldn't say that he is that.
I'm not making excuses for him, trust me .... I just wanted to get that out there.
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
I commend you for what you're doing, in a world where so many people just go LEAVE HIM! right away .... Its nice to know someone else out there is in the same boat I am ....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
When people say "just leave him right away" they are relating to their own personal experience in retrospect. many do indeed recover and only u can decide what u want to do. what u should not do is enable him in any way shape or form. set boundaries and stick to them.
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
I wanted my marriage to work out......absolutely did. He chose to leave his family for booze and a hooch. His choice. Well we had choices too...and we chose to live not die from alcoholism. I loved this man with all my heart and all my soul. I had absolutely no idea that he was cheating behind my back. I was soooooo wrapped up with family, bills, work, graduation party for our youngest...ect. that I never knew until after he left that he was living with the OW. But then she gave him something that I didn't.....she was the party girl....
It took me 2 years to even be able to sleep to some degree at all. And you know what hun? I still cry almost every day...thats how much I loved and still love this man. It hurts for a very very very long time and none of us want to see YOU go where angels fear to go. Stay strong and do what you feel you must.
It took me 2 years to even be able to sleep to some degree at all. And you know what hun? I still cry almost every day...thats how much I loved and still love this man. It hurts for a very very very long time and none of us want to see YOU go where angels fear to go. Stay strong and do what you feel you must.
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Join Date: Oct 2007
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Well. He's at his second AA meeting right now ... Just dropped him and his friend off .... Gotta' pick them up in 40 minutes. Fun. But I don't mind, I'm proud of him.
When we picked his friend up (he lives not even 2 minutes down the street) he (friend) was going on and on about how two of his buddies showed up while he was leaving and wanted to play beer pong when he got home ... He asked us to come over ... NORMALLY Jer (BF) would say HELL YEAH, but this time, he said "Nope, we're going to dinner after this" .... Baby steps . . . .
When we picked his friend up (he lives not even 2 minutes down the street) he (friend) was going on and on about how two of his buddies showed up while he was leaving and wanted to play beer pong when he got home ... He asked us to come over ... NORMALLY Jer (BF) would say HELL YEAH, but this time, he said "Nope, we're going to dinner after this" .... Baby steps . . . .
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Join Date: Feb 2007
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Italian Girl,
Keep coming here sharing and reading. while your bf is in his treatment for alcohol how about finding some alanon meetings for YOU.
Ngaire
Keep coming here sharing and reading. while your bf is in his treatment for alcohol how about finding some alanon meetings for YOU.
Ngaire
Originally Posted by ItalianGirl
Hi everyone,
My name is Jen. I'm 25 years old, and I live with my boyfriend of abut a year (Yes, we moved in quickly, I know).
When I first met him, it became very obvious, very quickly, that he had a drinking problem. He's 26, 25 at the time. I saw that he was pushing me aside to party with his friends, and I couldn't take it. I'm a social drinker to the T. I'll go to happy hour, have a drink, and guzzle water the rest of the night. It's just not, and never has been my "thing."
I told him that he had to SERIOUSLY back off, or we were done. And he did.
Or so I thought.
So many times he'll go out drinking - or to "meet a friend" and won't call and tell me what's going on - 9 times out of 10, when he does this, he doesn't come home until at the EARLIEST 3am .... one time not until 5:30pm the next DAY.
He doesn't have his lisence due to a DUI.
A friend of mine - who he more or less comendeered - informed me yesterday that he had asked him to come out on many occasions, to go drinking. While they were out - if I'd call my friend, my boyfriend would tell him to lie that he wasn't there. He KNOWINGLY would tell him that we had dinner plans, but he was breaking them to drink.
I can't say anything to him abut this because like I said, a friend told me.
I have spoken to him MANY times about his drinking problem - he's never admitted to one. Until yesterday.
I came home to meet him for lunch - FUMING mad about having learned what I just did from my friend - and he had made me lunch. And was "waiting to talk to me" ... So we talked. And he, out of NOWHERE, admited that he had a drinking problem.
Well long story short - here we go ... he started his drinking treatment today (requried by the state). He went into it with his friend who also has a DUI. They were both VERY ho-hum about it -- But he just called me after his first evening there and said that he completely broke down and REALLY wants to fix things ... That he's going to take this seriously, for himself, me and his son (not my child).
I've put up with SO much. It's SO hard on me. I'm DRAINED. He has no money because he has such high car insurance and has to pay for his son ... his child's mother guilts him out of all his money ... because he's a "lousy father for drinking" (Side note: he LOVES his child and does EVERYTHING for him - she just abuses his situation)
I dont know what to do.
I love him.
But I'm EXHAUSTED.
I pay ALL the bills - rent, electric, gas, phone, cable, internet, groceries. ANd some of his bills. I do NOT make a lot of money - I never have anything extra for things I want ... or sometimes things I NEED.
Do things get better? As they start to work through things?
I'm ready to give up - please help me....
My name is Jen. I'm 25 years old, and I live with my boyfriend of abut a year (Yes, we moved in quickly, I know).
When I first met him, it became very obvious, very quickly, that he had a drinking problem. He's 26, 25 at the time. I saw that he was pushing me aside to party with his friends, and I couldn't take it. I'm a social drinker to the T. I'll go to happy hour, have a drink, and guzzle water the rest of the night. It's just not, and never has been my "thing."
I told him that he had to SERIOUSLY back off, or we were done. And he did.
Or so I thought.
So many times he'll go out drinking - or to "meet a friend" and won't call and tell me what's going on - 9 times out of 10, when he does this, he doesn't come home until at the EARLIEST 3am .... one time not until 5:30pm the next DAY.
He doesn't have his lisence due to a DUI.
A friend of mine - who he more or less comendeered - informed me yesterday that he had asked him to come out on many occasions, to go drinking. While they were out - if I'd call my friend, my boyfriend would tell him to lie that he wasn't there. He KNOWINGLY would tell him that we had dinner plans, but he was breaking them to drink.
I can't say anything to him abut this because like I said, a friend told me.
I have spoken to him MANY times about his drinking problem - he's never admitted to one. Until yesterday.
I came home to meet him for lunch - FUMING mad about having learned what I just did from my friend - and he had made me lunch. And was "waiting to talk to me" ... So we talked. And he, out of NOWHERE, admited that he had a drinking problem.
Well long story short - here we go ... he started his drinking treatment today (requried by the state). He went into it with his friend who also has a DUI. They were both VERY ho-hum about it -- But he just called me after his first evening there and said that he completely broke down and REALLY wants to fix things ... That he's going to take this seriously, for himself, me and his son (not my child).
I've put up with SO much. It's SO hard on me. I'm DRAINED. He has no money because he has such high car insurance and has to pay for his son ... his child's mother guilts him out of all his money ... because he's a "lousy father for drinking" (Side note: he LOVES his child and does EVERYTHING for him - she just abuses his situation)
I dont know what to do.
I love him.
But I'm EXHAUSTED.
I pay ALL the bills - rent, electric, gas, phone, cable, internet, groceries. ANd some of his bills. I do NOT make a lot of money - I never have anything extra for things I want ... or sometimes things I NEED.
Do things get better? As they start to work through things?
I'm ready to give up - please help me....
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Join Date: Oct 2007
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Originally Posted by Earthworm
Italian Girl,
Keep coming here sharing and reading. while your bf is in his treatment for alcohol how about finding some alanon meetings for YOU.
Ngaire
Keep coming here sharing and reading. while your bf is in his treatment for alcohol how about finding some alanon meetings for YOU.
Ngaire
I do want to go to one, but I'm very nervous to do so. Since he's labeled as a "social drinker," and not an "alcoholic," I'll feel like I'm intruding or something ....
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Originally Posted by wpgwoman
I believe that the only condition that applies to going to meetings is that someone else's drinking affects us. The clinical labels don't come into play.
Nothing to be nervous about.
Nothing to be nervous about.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
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No you aren't an intruder. his drinking is affecting YOU no matter what the label is he has. Alanon is for you if his drinking is a problem for you which it is.
Ngaire
Ngaire
Originally Posted by ItalianGirl
Hi there!
I do want to go to one, but I'm very nervous to do so. Since he's labeled as a "social drinker," and not an "alcoholic," I'll feel like I'm intruding or something ....
I do want to go to one, but I'm very nervous to do so. Since he's labeled as a "social drinker," and not an "alcoholic," I'll feel like I'm intruding or something ....
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hey there IGirl
Al-anon meets are open to anyone who's life has been affected by someone else's drinking. Doesn't matter if he only drank _once_ in his whole life. You have been affected and that's good enough for us.
One thing you might want to remember when you go to the meet is that the other people there are just as nervous as you are, so you will be in good company
Mike
Originally Posted by ItalianGirl
...I do want to go to one, but I'm very nervous to do so. Since he's labeled as a "social drinker," and not an "alcoholic," I'll feel like I'm intruding or something ....
One thing you might want to remember when you go to the meet is that the other people there are just as nervous as you are, so you will be in good company
Mike
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Kearny, NJ
Posts: 2
thanks
Hey, I just read your story, I wanted to say thank you, and that I am going through what seems to be the exact same situation. I myself don't know what to do. Right now, I know that I want to be by his side. I am still telling myself that he is a great guy, that he is changing, that he is making so much progress in his recovery. Now I just don't know if I convince myself of it because I love him, or because it is reality. I do recommend Al-Anon. I have only been to a few meetings, but it helps to hear from other people. I must admit, I have not shared much in the meetings I have been to, simply because I feel stupid that we have only been together for a year, that he doesn't hit me or steal from me like the others in the group, and I feel stupid because I am afraid of others thinking I'm some idiot just there for relationship opinions about me staying or moving on. I am slowly moving on from that, only because after meetings, individuals took the time out to approach me and offer their time to hear my story. I still haven't talked, but I am getting more involved as the weeks go on. I wish you the best of luck, feel free to message me, maybe one of us will have a better grasp on all of this one day.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Just out of interest, Jenilee, were you asked to drive them to meetings or did you offer? And am I right in thinking that your bf's friend lives very near a place where there are AA meetings, yet also lives 2 minutes from you. Does this not mean that both your friend and your bf have no need for a lift to meetings at all?
Get thee to al-anon, hon - they are for you, not for him. Give it 6 tries and maybe check out different ones before you make a decision to continue.
p.s. I am a social drinker. For me, part of that definition means that I have a glass of wine (if at all) if I am having a meal and driving, or else I get a taxi or have alreayd arranged a designated driver. There is zero chance of me getting a DUI because my priorities are safety and legality, not getting booze down my neck. If I had an issue with drinking, perhaps my priorities would be more skewed.
Get thee to al-anon, hon - they are for you, not for him. Give it 6 tries and maybe check out different ones before you make a decision to continue.
p.s. I am a social drinker. For me, part of that definition means that I have a glass of wine (if at all) if I am having a meal and driving, or else I get a taxi or have alreayd arranged a designated driver. There is zero chance of me getting a DUI because my priorities are safety and legality, not getting booze down my neck. If I had an issue with drinking, perhaps my priorities would be more skewed.
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I wasn't asked nor did I really volunteer to drive my boyfriend to the meetings - it was something we discussed as part of a plan for his recovery.
We live together.
And yes, that means the meetings would be a 5-10 minute walk for him - but if you lived where we did, you wouldn't want to walk at 8pm here either ....
We live together.
And yes, that means the meetings would be a 5-10 minute walk for him - but if you lived where we did, you wouldn't want to walk at 8pm here either ....
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I guess I could label myself as a "social eater" because it sounds so much more fun and healthier to boot, but one look at me and the rest of the world can see that I'm addicted to food. When I think like this, the only person I'm deceiving is myself.
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Originally Posted by FormerDoormat
I guess I could label myself as a "social eater" because it sounds so much more fun and healthier to boot, but one look at me and the rest of the world can see that I'm addicted to food. When I think like this, the only person I'm deceiving is myself.
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