New and Ready to Share.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: CT
Posts: 33
New and Ready to Share.
Hi everyone,
My name is Jen. I'm 25 years old, and I live with my boyfriend of abut a year (Yes, we moved in quickly, I know).
When I first met him, it became very obvious, very quickly, that he had a drinking problem. He's 26, 25 at the time. I saw that he was pushing me aside to party with his friends, and I couldn't take it. I'm a social drinker to the T. I'll go to happy hour, have a drink, and guzzle water the rest of the night. It's just not, and never has been my "thing."
I told him that he had to SERIOUSLY back off, or we were done. And he did.
Or so I thought.
So many times he'll go out drinking - or to "meet a friend" and won't call and tell me what's going on - 9 times out of 10, when he does this, he doesn't come home until at the EARLIEST 3am .... one time not until 5:30pm the next DAY.
He doesn't have his lisence due to a DUI.
A friend of mine - who he more or less comendeered - informed me yesterday that he had asked him to come out on many occasions, to go drinking. While they were out - if I'd call my friend, my boyfriend would tell him to lie that he wasn't there. He KNOWINGLY would tell him that we had dinner plans, but he was breaking them to drink.
I can't say anything to him abut this because like I said, a friend told me.
I have spoken to him MANY times about his drinking problem - he's never admitted to one. Until yesterday.
I came home to meet him for lunch - FUMING mad about having learned what I just did from my friend - and he had made me lunch. And was "waiting to talk to me" ... So we talked. And he, out of NOWHERE, admited that he had a drinking problem.
Well long story short - here we go ... he started his drinking treatment today (requried by the state). He went into it with his friend who also has a DUI. They were both VERY ho-hum about it -- But he just called me after his first evening there and said that he completely broke down and REALLY wants to fix things ... That he's going to take this seriously, for himself, me and his son (not my child).
I've put up with SO much. It's SO hard on me. I'm DRAINED. He has no money because he has such high car insurance and has to pay for his son ... his child's mother guilts him out of all his money ... because he's a "lousy father for drinking" (Side note: he LOVES his child and does EVERYTHING for him - she just abuses his situation)
I dont know what to do.
I love him.
But I'm EXHAUSTED.
I pay ALL the bills - rent, electric, gas, phone, cable, internet, groceries. ANd some of his bills. I do NOT make a lot of money - I never have anything extra for things I want ... or sometimes things I NEED.
Do things get better? As they start to work through things?
I'm ready to give up - please help me....
My name is Jen. I'm 25 years old, and I live with my boyfriend of abut a year (Yes, we moved in quickly, I know).
When I first met him, it became very obvious, very quickly, that he had a drinking problem. He's 26, 25 at the time. I saw that he was pushing me aside to party with his friends, and I couldn't take it. I'm a social drinker to the T. I'll go to happy hour, have a drink, and guzzle water the rest of the night. It's just not, and never has been my "thing."
I told him that he had to SERIOUSLY back off, or we were done. And he did.
Or so I thought.
So many times he'll go out drinking - or to "meet a friend" and won't call and tell me what's going on - 9 times out of 10, when he does this, he doesn't come home until at the EARLIEST 3am .... one time not until 5:30pm the next DAY.
He doesn't have his lisence due to a DUI.
A friend of mine - who he more or less comendeered - informed me yesterday that he had asked him to come out on many occasions, to go drinking. While they were out - if I'd call my friend, my boyfriend would tell him to lie that he wasn't there. He KNOWINGLY would tell him that we had dinner plans, but he was breaking them to drink.
I can't say anything to him abut this because like I said, a friend told me.
I have spoken to him MANY times about his drinking problem - he's never admitted to one. Until yesterday.
I came home to meet him for lunch - FUMING mad about having learned what I just did from my friend - and he had made me lunch. And was "waiting to talk to me" ... So we talked. And he, out of NOWHERE, admited that he had a drinking problem.
Well long story short - here we go ... he started his drinking treatment today (requried by the state). He went into it with his friend who also has a DUI. They were both VERY ho-hum about it -- But he just called me after his first evening there and said that he completely broke down and REALLY wants to fix things ... That he's going to take this seriously, for himself, me and his son (not my child).
I've put up with SO much. It's SO hard on me. I'm DRAINED. He has no money because he has such high car insurance and has to pay for his son ... his child's mother guilts him out of all his money ... because he's a "lousy father for drinking" (Side note: he LOVES his child and does EVERYTHING for him - she just abuses his situation)
I dont know what to do.
I love him.
But I'm EXHAUSTED.
I pay ALL the bills - rent, electric, gas, phone, cable, internet, groceries. ANd some of his bills. I do NOT make a lot of money - I never have anything extra for things I want ... or sometimes things I NEED.
Do things get better? As they start to work through things?
I'm ready to give up - please help me....
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
For me (and for most everyone on this forum), the answer is no, things didn't get better. They got progressively worse until I decided to stop the madness and end the relationship. You haven't got much invested in this relationship at this point, it'd be much easier to walk away now than it would if there were children, a house, mortgage, shared accounts involved.
I stayed with my alcoholic boyfriend for 25 years and now find myself starting a new life and looking for a new partner at the age of 47. If I had known as much about alcoholism then as I do now, I would have ended the relationship a long time ago. Now that you realize that you're on a sinking ship, you have at least two choices: go down with the ship or put on a life preserver and swim to shore.
And once you're on solid ground, I'd also recommend that you stick around this forum for a while and learn as much as you can about co-dependency. It will help you understand how you ended up in an unhealthy relationship in the first place. As you've already stated, you entered this relationship knowing your boyfriend has a drinking problem. Since joining this forum, I've learned that healthy people don't invite trouble into their lives, they avoid it.
A good starting place is to read the stickies at the top of the forum. They contain lots of useful information. Looking forward to getting to know you.
I stayed with my alcoholic boyfriend for 25 years and now find myself starting a new life and looking for a new partner at the age of 47. If I had known as much about alcoholism then as I do now, I would have ended the relationship a long time ago. Now that you realize that you're on a sinking ship, you have at least two choices: go down with the ship or put on a life preserver and swim to shore.
And once you're on solid ground, I'd also recommend that you stick around this forum for a while and learn as much as you can about co-dependency. It will help you understand how you ended up in an unhealthy relationship in the first place. As you've already stated, you entered this relationship knowing your boyfriend has a drinking problem. Since joining this forum, I've learned that healthy people don't invite trouble into their lives, they avoid it.
A good starting place is to read the stickies at the top of the forum. They contain lots of useful information. Looking forward to getting to know you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: CT
Posts: 33
Thank you for that comment - I appreciate it a lot.
I probably will sound like the rest of the people on this board when I say this - but he really has the potentional to be an AMAZING person. He is a great guy - he just has this issue that holds him back from really finding success.
But he's young - and he's realized his problem and wants to change it ....
I probably will sound like the rest of the people on this board when I say this - but he really has the potentional to be an AMAZING person. He is a great guy - he just has this issue that holds him back from really finding success.
But he's young - and he's realized his problem and wants to change it ....
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Another thing I've learned on this forum is this:
When I long for what my partner used to be
or
Hope he will live up to his potential
I'm living in the past or the future, but not in the present. All you have is today. And today you have a partner who'd much rather spend time in a bar than with you. That is the sad reality of addiction.
When I long for what my partner used to be
or
Hope he will live up to his potential
I'm living in the past or the future, but not in the present. All you have is today. And today you have a partner who'd much rather spend time in a bar than with you. That is the sad reality of addiction.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: CT
Posts: 33
But when it's said like that, it makes it sound like there's just simply NO HOPE for an alcoholic. Is that so? It he doomed for the rest of his life?
My Grandfathers both recovered - the that's still alive, still celebrates his "anniversary" every year with an ice cream sundae.
He just called from his class - he had a good time so far. He said he "broke down" and a lot of things came out that he didn't expect - that he's going to take this VERY seriously .... he said he admitted he had a problem, he just didn't realize how MUCH
My Grandfathers both recovered - the that's still alive, still celebrates his "anniversary" every year with an ice cream sundae.
He just called from his class - he had a good time so far. He said he "broke down" and a lot of things came out that he didn't expect - that he's going to take this VERY seriously .... he said he admitted he had a problem, he just didn't realize how MUCH
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by ItalianGirl 
I've put up with SO much. It's SO hard on me. I'm DRAINED. He has no money because he has such high car insurance and has to pay for his son ... his child's mother guilts him out of all his money ... because he's a "lousy father for drinking" (Side note: he LOVES his child and does EVERYTHING for him - she just abuses his situation)
Welcome to SR. I'd suggest reading the stickys first.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: CT
Posts: 33
Hi Denny - Thanks.
Actually, she was VERY controlling and absuive to HIM. To this day he can't do ANYTHING without her threatening his child ... she has backed him, literally, into corners threatening to beat him. Has show up at work SCREAMING at him.
Whatever - I'm with him now. I know how she is. I've seen it first hand. I'm not saying he's not to blame at ALL ....
I dont even know what I'm saying. I'm so wiped out.
Actually, she was VERY controlling and absuive to HIM. To this day he can't do ANYTHING without her threatening his child ... she has backed him, literally, into corners threatening to beat him. Has show up at work SCREAMING at him.
Whatever - I'm with him now. I know how she is. I've seen it first hand. I'm not saying he's not to blame at ALL ....
I dont even know what I'm saying. I'm so wiped out.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: CT
Posts: 33
Originally Posted by denny57
Yeah, living with an alcoholic turned me into a screaming controlling shrew, too.
Well thank you for the good luck wishes. I really hope that he finds success in this. I do love him (although I feel stupid for doing so sometimes) and want this to work.
He starts his AA meetings in a week or so .... we'll see how those go.
Have any of you been TO an Al-Anon meeting? I was thinking of going - I just don't know if I'm the type of person that should be there....
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Obviously, some folks do recover. But the road to recovery is long and bumpy--not just for the alcoholic but for their loved ones, too. Why don't you take a look around the forum and read some of the posts? If you follow folks' histories, you'll see that most of our alcoholics promised us over and over again that they'd get help. And many of them went to treatment centers (some 6-8 times) or attended AA meetings only to relapse time and time again. Alcoholism is a chronic illness. It doesn't go away simply because the alcoholic stops drinking.
To stay sober, many alcoholics have to devote large amounts of time to their recovery--especially in the beginning. In my experience, even when my boyfriend got serious about his recovery and got the help he needed, his recovery was a full-time job. So even in recovery he wasn't available to spend time with me.
For while, I waited for him to get his act together. So while he was working hard on his recovery, I was waiting faithfully for him--alone. He managed to get sober for 8 months, during which time we had weekend visitations (during the week he was busy working full-time on his recovery). But he relapsed and entered rehab once again. He sobered up for a while, this time for a much shorter period, and relapsed again.
Then the health problems set in and he spent most of his time at doctors appointments or in hospitals or nursing homes. Alcoholism takes a terrible toll on a person's body. In the end I waited patiently for him to get his act together and to get his health in order. Like I said before, I waited faithfully by his side--for 25 years. It was a long and difficult and nearly always lonely 25 years. In the end, he stopped trying and gave in to his desire to drink.
He died alone in his apartment 4 months ago with a 1/2 gallon of rum at his side. The last time we spoke he sounded drunk, but he denied that he'd been drinking when I asked.
You may think that I'm just bitter over what happened in my relationship, but I'm not. Like you, I loved my boyfriend. I loved him until the bitter end. But I nearly lost my sanity and my life in the process. Like I said before, back then if I'd known what I know now about alcoholism, I would have abandoned ship a long, long time ago. The more time you invest in a relationship, the harder it is to walk away.
Do yourself a favor and walk away now.
Tonight is a slow night. I'm sure plenty of other folks will chime in here tomorrow and offer their insights as well. This is a diverse group, so you will receive a diverse set of responses. Perhaps others will chime in with happier news, but I believe the majority will chime in with similar struggles to mine.
That is the sad reality of alcoholism. It takes many victims along the way. Seems to me that you have two choices here:
1) Be a victim
or
2) Be victorious
The choice is yours. Night.
To stay sober, many alcoholics have to devote large amounts of time to their recovery--especially in the beginning. In my experience, even when my boyfriend got serious about his recovery and got the help he needed, his recovery was a full-time job. So even in recovery he wasn't available to spend time with me.
For while, I waited for him to get his act together. So while he was working hard on his recovery, I was waiting faithfully for him--alone. He managed to get sober for 8 months, during which time we had weekend visitations (during the week he was busy working full-time on his recovery). But he relapsed and entered rehab once again. He sobered up for a while, this time for a much shorter period, and relapsed again.
Then the health problems set in and he spent most of his time at doctors appointments or in hospitals or nursing homes. Alcoholism takes a terrible toll on a person's body. In the end I waited patiently for him to get his act together and to get his health in order. Like I said before, I waited faithfully by his side--for 25 years. It was a long and difficult and nearly always lonely 25 years. In the end, he stopped trying and gave in to his desire to drink.
He died alone in his apartment 4 months ago with a 1/2 gallon of rum at his side. The last time we spoke he sounded drunk, but he denied that he'd been drinking when I asked.
You may think that I'm just bitter over what happened in my relationship, but I'm not. Like you, I loved my boyfriend. I loved him until the bitter end. But I nearly lost my sanity and my life in the process. Like I said before, back then if I'd known what I know now about alcoholism, I would have abandoned ship a long, long time ago. The more time you invest in a relationship, the harder it is to walk away.
Do yourself a favor and walk away now.
Tonight is a slow night. I'm sure plenty of other folks will chime in here tomorrow and offer their insights as well. This is a diverse group, so you will receive a diverse set of responses. Perhaps others will chime in with happier news, but I believe the majority will chime in with similar struggles to mine.
That is the sad reality of alcoholism. It takes many victims along the way. Seems to me that you have two choices here:
1) Be a victim
or
2) Be victorious
The choice is yours. Night.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Italian Girl,
Welcome to SR. Yes there is hope for the alcoholic but the issue being addressed on this forum is about YOU as friend/family member of an alcoholic.
Whether you stay or go is up to you. The best thing I can suggest to you is to get involved with Alanon where you can learn about yourself and how to cope with this disease- regardless of whether your bf is in your life or not. I agree with what Former Dormat says here: In Alanon meetings I learned that this kind of behavior is quite common as described by so many who come here to SR have experienced the same story with different details. This is true for every alcoholic and/or drug addict that I have ever met. The issue is not what he can become, but IF he is really willing to do what it takes, and how much damage will he cause until or if he does change.
So far, his track record isn't a very good one. How about in the meanwhile taking care of your own needs by attending meetings for yourself?
Welcome to SR. Yes there is hope for the alcoholic but the issue being addressed on this forum is about YOU as friend/family member of an alcoholic.
Whether you stay or go is up to you. The best thing I can suggest to you is to get involved with Alanon where you can learn about yourself and how to cope with this disease- regardless of whether your bf is in your life or not. I agree with what Former Dormat says here:
I've learned that healthy people don't invite trouble into their lives
but he really has the potentional to be an AMAZING person.
So far, his track record isn't a very good one. How about in the meanwhile taking care of your own needs by attending meetings for yourself?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: CT
Posts: 33
Originally Posted by cmc
How about in the meanwhile taking care of your own needs by attending meetings for yourself?
I noted that in my response earlier ... that I was thinking of going to Al-Anon meetings ... I just wasn't sure if I'd feel out of place there or not. I haven't been with him that long ...
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Posts: 1,301
Originally Posted by ItalianGirl
I was thinking of going to Al-Anon meetings ... I just wasn't sure if I'd feel out of place there or not. I haven't been with him that long ...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
You have been together for at least a year, how long would you want to wait to be involved and learn if he had cancer or some other disease? As has been shared before- this disease is progressive, devastating and often deadly. Alanon is exactly the place for you to start, and the sooner you go the more support you will have. I hope you will give it a try.
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Redmond, Washington
Posts: 1
I don't know what to do.
I'm also new to this forum and posting here..your post really compelled me to join and respond...so thanks for the opportunity.
Not too very long ago...even well into my 7 years of sobriety, I would have wanted to know what to do NOW, if I were in your shoes OR I would have felt it absolutely necessary to tell you what you should do NOW...what decision to make NOW...
I know you want to know what to do; preferably sooner rather than later. I'm taking a bit of liberty here in suggesting that what you probably REALLY want to know is what's going to happen? how is it going to turn out? is he going to change or not? Intellectually you know there's no crystal ball, but emotionally you'd make a mad dash to gaze into one if there were.
Obviously there aren't any answers to those questions just yet and may not be for awhile. In the same way, perhaps you don't have to know what to do NOW.... Perhaps ease up on yourself and the situation a bit and know that you don't have to make a decision today or maybe even tomorrow.
Sounds like he's in safe hands for the time being, giving you a much needed break from worrying about if/when he's coming home, in what shape with which excuse etc.
Of course, the "to do" for NOW is to take care of yourself. I bet you are exhausted! Getting some rest---physical, spiritual, and emotional---is clearly an order for you right now.
Discovering what spiritual and emotional restoration means for you may be the only additional task you need take on today or tomorrow. One decision you can make now is indeed, to go to an Al-Anon meeting. But leave it at that for today and tomorrow.
He's taken a huge step and so have you. Let that be enough for today.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
He may get well in treatment, and he may stay well for a while.
I think you do need AlAnon.No matter what happens. It has saved my life.I was stricken with physical stress that had begun to manifest in illness, I was so confused,I could not put two thoughts together.
Truth is, you dont need to make any decisions today or tonight,about him. You just need to take some steps to secure your safety,mentally,and emotionally and take yourself out of harms way.
If he does relapse, I know this; the lies will continue, and they will become more often, and more ridiculous. He WILL progress. Some drunks are harmless, to the naked eye... They dont abuse,or attack, they dont lie...
But,in any case, the alcoholism is a family disease. it DOES begin to alter the way that you would normally live. You have to pick up slack for the person who is not functioning on all cylinders, then your engine gets overworked, and you breakdown. Throw abuse into the mix, and it can truly RUIN your life, and you dont even HAVE THE DISEASE!!
PLease read up,Read the stories here.There is wisdom to be had.No one wants to be bleak about the future, or to give up on someone we love, but, you have a life to live, too, and you should be able to choose how you live it with a well informed mind.
PS;i have not given up on my Aex sons' father...but I also will not sentence myself to that life that was killing my spirit. I had to take back my energy and my power.for me.
I think you do need AlAnon.No matter what happens. It has saved my life.I was stricken with physical stress that had begun to manifest in illness, I was so confused,I could not put two thoughts together.
Truth is, you dont need to make any decisions today or tonight,about him. You just need to take some steps to secure your safety,mentally,and emotionally and take yourself out of harms way.
If he does relapse, I know this; the lies will continue, and they will become more often, and more ridiculous. He WILL progress. Some drunks are harmless, to the naked eye... They dont abuse,or attack, they dont lie...
But,in any case, the alcoholism is a family disease. it DOES begin to alter the way that you would normally live. You have to pick up slack for the person who is not functioning on all cylinders, then your engine gets overworked, and you breakdown. Throw abuse into the mix, and it can truly RUIN your life, and you dont even HAVE THE DISEASE!!
PLease read up,Read the stories here.There is wisdom to be had.No one wants to be bleak about the future, or to give up on someone we love, but, you have a life to live, too, and you should be able to choose how you live it with a well informed mind.
PS;i have not given up on my Aex sons' father...but I also will not sentence myself to that life that was killing my spirit. I had to take back my energy and my power.for me.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,622
Hi Jen,
I agree with Ro. Alanon is where you need to be.
In the BB there is a chapter to wives and there is a chapter to families. It explains the illness.
Of course he can recover and if you love him, there is a way to help him recover. What you need to do - and it is very specific - is found in the BB of alcoholics anonymous. If he is joining - so are you.
Welcome!!!
I agree with Ro. Alanon is where you need to be.
In the BB there is a chapter to wives and there is a chapter to families. It explains the illness.
Of course he can recover and if you love him, there is a way to help him recover. What you need to do - and it is very specific - is found in the BB of alcoholics anonymous. If he is joining - so are you.
Welcome!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Take the time to figure out what you want from your life. Do you want to continue to be the financial support for a man who doesn't contribute? Do you want to live hoping he doesn't fall apart? Do you want to live in all the chaos?
Consider that continuing to provide him with a place to live and all that goes with it while you pay all the bills is protecting him from the consequences of his choices and actions.
He may indeed be serious and begin his long road to recovery. I hope that is the case. But you need to consider what you want long term for you! Do you want the rest of your life revolving around the question "Is he drinking again?"
Consider that continuing to provide him with a place to live and all that goes with it while you pay all the bills is protecting him from the consequences of his choices and actions.
He may indeed be serious and begin his long road to recovery. I hope that is the case. But you need to consider what you want long term for you! Do you want the rest of your life revolving around the question "Is he drinking again?"
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