New and Ready to Share.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: CT
Posts: 33
KaiSober - Thank you SO much for your post. You are 100% accurate in how I feel (amazing that someone can actually UNDERSTAND it). Everyone around me that knows about my problem here (which isn't many people) are all just telling me PACK UP AND LEAVE! GO! .... But I don't want to do that. Not yet. If he hadn't taken the step he is right now, I'd have no choice. His alcoholism effects me so much, and it's not fair. You're right, he IS in safe hands right now and I'm going to be content with that and RELAX. For the first time in a LONG time, I slept straight through the night for 12 hours!! I feel relaxed and rested .... Hopefully this happens more often now ....
Carol D - I'll definilty check it out - I love reading, and I'd like to get some help. Thank you!!!!
BUffalo66 - You're right - I do have to live my life for myself - and I have to start now. I always worry about him - ALWAYS. And have found that I've become a shell of myself by doing so. I used to be SO happy and carefree - now I'm always nervous and on edge. I've actually ended up in the ER with two panic attacks since we met. Both times he wasnt able to be there for me. Once his phone was off (he's horrible with charging it, in his defense), but the other time, he was drunk at his friends house and couldn't drive. It's his disease, but it's definitly been passed onto me.
Barbara52 - Absolutely not. I dont' want to have to worry about that forever. But I love him - .......... I'm not totally naive here, I have seen the negative effects of alcoholism in my Grandparents relationship. My Mother still holds it against my Grandfather that he was one. Even DECADES later, she still holds bitterness ... same with my Grandmother.
But I want to be with him. I know that he has to want this change for himself - but I want to be there to support him along the way.
Yesterday before I took him to his treatment retreat, he thanked me for being there to support him through this - that he was ready to change and that he was so happy he had me by his side.
Carol D - I'll definilty check it out - I love reading, and I'd like to get some help. Thank you!!!!
BUffalo66 - You're right - I do have to live my life for myself - and I have to start now. I always worry about him - ALWAYS. And have found that I've become a shell of myself by doing so. I used to be SO happy and carefree - now I'm always nervous and on edge. I've actually ended up in the ER with two panic attacks since we met. Both times he wasnt able to be there for me. Once his phone was off (he's horrible with charging it, in his defense), but the other time, he was drunk at his friends house and couldn't drive. It's his disease, but it's definitly been passed onto me.
Barbara52 - Absolutely not. I dont' want to have to worry about that forever. But I love him - .......... I'm not totally naive here, I have seen the negative effects of alcoholism in my Grandparents relationship. My Mother still holds it against my Grandfather that he was one. Even DECADES later, she still holds bitterness ... same with my Grandmother.
But I want to be with him. I know that he has to want this change for himself - but I want to be there to support him along the way.
Yesterday before I took him to his treatment retreat, he thanked me for being there to support him through this - that he was ready to change and that he was so happy he had me by his side.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
HI, I wanted to address the part of your story where you are talking about his ex wife being abusive.
I was that person, and while, in AlAnon,I am learning to be responsible for my actions, and what I have allowed my life to devolve to... I can honestly say, that without the help i am now getting to see clearly, I would still be kicking and screaming my way through that co parenting situationl.
I know for a fact that my A has told people that I am crazy, that I have abused him. When he attacked me when I was 5 months pregnant, I was terrible to him for months afterward, and people saw THAT. They did not have the whole picture.
This woman may be a B*tch, she may be angry, controlling, she may even be abusive, but I am willing to bet that it is at least some percentage due to some things he has done or not done. She is left holding the bag, so to speak.
Those of us who have kids with an A, are tied to a sinking ship, and the resentment can turn you into a person that you cannot believe is you.
I have done and said things that I am so ashamed of.I know why I was working that way, though.I have been involved with someone who IS NOT functioning with all his cylinders, which has meant that I HAVE HAD to be overworked, overstressed, the life that I had plans for became smaller and smaller, and the resentment that I have as a result of that is not a pretty thing.
I am only saying; this woman may have endured things that HE doesnt even remember happening, or that he will not admit to himself. The Alcoholic has an entire inner life of denials, and tricks to keep him/her from seeing what they have become at the hands of a drink,or two(as they all say).
And WOW, the things that my A is willing to paint me as in order to keep others from seeing what he really is...It is truly sick. All I can do is detach. It sounds like she does not have these tools.
I was that person, and while, in AlAnon,I am learning to be responsible for my actions, and what I have allowed my life to devolve to... I can honestly say, that without the help i am now getting to see clearly, I would still be kicking and screaming my way through that co parenting situationl.
I know for a fact that my A has told people that I am crazy, that I have abused him. When he attacked me when I was 5 months pregnant, I was terrible to him for months afterward, and people saw THAT. They did not have the whole picture.
This woman may be a B*tch, she may be angry, controlling, she may even be abusive, but I am willing to bet that it is at least some percentage due to some things he has done or not done. She is left holding the bag, so to speak.
Those of us who have kids with an A, are tied to a sinking ship, and the resentment can turn you into a person that you cannot believe is you.
I have done and said things that I am so ashamed of.I know why I was working that way, though.I have been involved with someone who IS NOT functioning with all his cylinders, which has meant that I HAVE HAD to be overworked, overstressed, the life that I had plans for became smaller and smaller, and the resentment that I have as a result of that is not a pretty thing.
I am only saying; this woman may have endured things that HE doesnt even remember happening, or that he will not admit to himself. The Alcoholic has an entire inner life of denials, and tricks to keep him/her from seeing what they have become at the hands of a drink,or two(as they all say).
And WOW, the things that my A is willing to paint me as in order to keep others from seeing what he really is...It is truly sick. All I can do is detach. It sounds like she does not have these tools.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
I've learned that healthy people don't invite trouble into their lives
I'm learning that too, slowly. Co-dependents feed on drama. And co-dependents are also quick to blame others for problems.
I feel certain, Italiangirl (welcome!!), that if you read both Melody Beattie's books on co-dependency you would understand why your ABF is not good relationship material right now until he has at least ONE YEAR of sobriety behind him while working a programme. You will also learn through Beattie's writing and Alanon meetings that your ABF's XW is as much a co-dependent as you are and your ABF. Believe me, our own healing process is so insightful.
Take care of YOU!
ARL
I'm learning that too, slowly. Co-dependents feed on drama. And co-dependents are also quick to blame others for problems.
I feel certain, Italiangirl (welcome!!), that if you read both Melody Beattie's books on co-dependency you would understand why your ABF is not good relationship material right now until he has at least ONE YEAR of sobriety behind him while working a programme. You will also learn through Beattie's writing and Alanon meetings that your ABF's XW is as much a co-dependent as you are and your ABF. Believe me, our own healing process is so insightful.
Take care of YOU!
ARL
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
the things that my A is willing to paint me as in order to keep others from seeing what he really is
How about? The things As are willing to paint everyone else as in order to keep others from seeing what/who the A really is. To listen to XABF it always sounded like everyone else was out to get him.
ARL
How about? The things As are willing to paint everyone else as in order to keep others from seeing what/who the A really is. To listen to XABF it always sounded like everyone else was out to get him.
ARL
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: CT
Posts: 33
Thanks for your input everyone.
Just for the record, not that it really matters much, it's not his ex-wife, just a girlfriend. She IS very controlling though - she's almost 37, he's 26. She WANTED him to stay, HE left HER because she was so out of control. To this DAY she still wants him back, tells him he ruined their family by leaving .... She tells him that she's ruined any chances she has of every being happy because now she's almost 37, with a son who's almost 3 and no one will ever want her.
But she's not my problem. HE is.
I talked to him this morning - he was on his way to breakfast at his retreat. He was really looking forward to the one-on-one counseling they're doing this morning. I haven't heard from him since - I think they do lunch around 2/2:30 (late, yes, weird, I know) .... Hopefully he'll have something to share.
Just for the record, not that it really matters much, it's not his ex-wife, just a girlfriend. She IS very controlling though - she's almost 37, he's 26. She WANTED him to stay, HE left HER because she was so out of control. To this DAY she still wants him back, tells him he ruined their family by leaving .... She tells him that she's ruined any chances she has of every being happy because now she's almost 37, with a son who's almost 3 and no one will ever want her.
But she's not my problem. HE is.
I talked to him this morning - he was on his way to breakfast at his retreat. He was really looking forward to the one-on-one counseling they're doing this morning. I haven't heard from him since - I think they do lunch around 2/2:30 (late, yes, weird, I know) .... Hopefully he'll have something to share.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Oh my, this thread has triggered all sorts for me. Guess I still have some healing to do, huh?
Welcome, IG. You have stumbled across a great resource here, full of truly wonderful people. I urge you to read all of the sticky posts at the top of the forum. After you have read them and perhaps said to yourself that they don't apply :-) , read them again. And I also urge you to check out al-anon, coda and/or individual counselling for yourself.
In answer to your question, yes, things do get better. However, I think I may be interpreting your question slightly differently to how you intended that it was posed.
Welcome, IG. You have stumbled across a great resource here, full of truly wonderful people. I urge you to read all of the sticky posts at the top of the forum. After you have read them and perhaps said to yourself that they don't apply :-) , read them again. And I also urge you to check out al-anon, coda and/or individual counselling for yourself.
In answer to your question, yes, things do get better. However, I think I may be interpreting your question slightly differently to how you intended that it was posed.
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Hello,
I think almost every newcomer here has made the statement that his or her alcoholic is a wonderful person except for this little problem of drinking.
I think I once heard,
“ I never met a drunk I didn’t like”
You are correct in saying that it was fast in moving in together other then that there is much more to look at here.
Your friends that tell you to just pack up and leave are giving you some great advice.
After he has a good year of being sober then it comes time to look at a relationship again.
It’s a long hard road ahead of him here and it can be even harder for you.
There will be many personality changes here also if he does find sobriety.
Many of which were hiding under the alcohol.
Not to mention you are footing the bills and this is yet another responsibility he does not have to deal with.
Letting him rock bottom is really the only way that can help him.
Prolonging the inevitable id only enabling him more.
Alanon is the best bet for you right now.
I and others here will all agree that it can help you a great deal.
This is his journey to do on his OWN.
You now have yours.
I think almost every newcomer here has made the statement that his or her alcoholic is a wonderful person except for this little problem of drinking.
I think I once heard,
“ I never met a drunk I didn’t like”
You are correct in saying that it was fast in moving in together other then that there is much more to look at here.
Your friends that tell you to just pack up and leave are giving you some great advice.
After he has a good year of being sober then it comes time to look at a relationship again.
It’s a long hard road ahead of him here and it can be even harder for you.
There will be many personality changes here also if he does find sobriety.
Many of which were hiding under the alcohol.
Not to mention you are footing the bills and this is yet another responsibility he does not have to deal with.
Letting him rock bottom is really the only way that can help him.
Prolonging the inevitable id only enabling him more.
Alanon is the best bet for you right now.
I and others here will all agree that it can help you a great deal.
This is his journey to do on his OWN.
You now have yours.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
But she's not my problem. HE is.
I think that I was my problem because I am the only person I can control.
XABF made his choices and they were all about what HE wanted. I was either going to be along for the ride or not. I opted to get off his roller-coaster.
ARL
I think that I was my problem because I am the only person I can control.
XABF made his choices and they were all about what HE wanted. I was either going to be along for the ride or not. I opted to get off his roller-coaster.
ARL
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Italian Girl,
AlAnon meetings were wonderful for me. They helped me to understand so much more. I don't think you can go wrong by trying out a couple. (You may have to try more than one to find the one you're most comfortable with...very common)
While it's dangerous to hook yourself to an alcoholic in any way, I hear that you are not ready to write off this relationship yet, since he is embarking on his own healing journey and you want to see how it's going to go. That's your choice and only your choice.
Just be clear in your mind what you will do if it doesn't work out....if he relapses (very common). Put a boundary in place and decide for yourself what you will do in that case. And be sure it's one that you are fully committed to sticking to.
Also, there is no reason in the world why you should be paying all the bills. You may love him, but his irresponsibility is keeping you from having the life you deserve. What would he be doing if you WEREN'T paying the bills? Wouldn't he find a way to make things happen somehow? Are you his meal ticket? Sorry to sound so harsh (I'm really not that harsh
), but many people find that if a situation is comfortable, like you paying for everything and not setting any time boundaries on it, they have no reason to change.
Remember that you can still love him even if you're not living together. And, as an outside observer, I'd suggest that you make it clear to him how much longer you're willing to accept this situation. He is a grown man whose choices created his own current financial situation. YOU shouldn't have to be his wet nurse. In fact, I'd dare say that you may rapidly lose respect for him if he doesn't come around soon. By talking to him about it, you may give him the chance to come around on his own terms. If he gets angry or manipulative when you state you want him to support himself....watch out.
Take care of yourself -- from one Italian girl to another
GL
AlAnon meetings were wonderful for me. They helped me to understand so much more. I don't think you can go wrong by trying out a couple. (You may have to try more than one to find the one you're most comfortable with...very common)
While it's dangerous to hook yourself to an alcoholic in any way, I hear that you are not ready to write off this relationship yet, since he is embarking on his own healing journey and you want to see how it's going to go. That's your choice and only your choice.
Just be clear in your mind what you will do if it doesn't work out....if he relapses (very common). Put a boundary in place and decide for yourself what you will do in that case. And be sure it's one that you are fully committed to sticking to.
Also, there is no reason in the world why you should be paying all the bills. You may love him, but his irresponsibility is keeping you from having the life you deserve. What would he be doing if you WEREN'T paying the bills? Wouldn't he find a way to make things happen somehow? Are you his meal ticket? Sorry to sound so harsh (I'm really not that harsh
), but many people find that if a situation is comfortable, like you paying for everything and not setting any time boundaries on it, they have no reason to change.Remember that you can still love him even if you're not living together. And, as an outside observer, I'd suggest that you make it clear to him how much longer you're willing to accept this situation. He is a grown man whose choices created his own current financial situation. YOU shouldn't have to be his wet nurse. In fact, I'd dare say that you may rapidly lose respect for him if he doesn't come around soon. By talking to him about it, you may give him the chance to come around on his own terms. If he gets angry or manipulative when you state you want him to support himself....watch out.
Take care of yourself -- from one Italian girl to another
GL
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Here's one more thing for you to consider ItalianGirl:
When I met my daughter's father (not Richard, my ABF), his son's mouth fell open when he met me. Privately, he told me that not only was I the spitting image of his mother, but our personalities were eerily similar as well. Then he showed me a photo of his mother, it was like looking in a mirror.
I shared this with you because I've learned that people are drawn to the same type of partner over and over again. You may think that your boyfriend's ex-girlfriend is overly focused on what's happening in your boyfriend's life, abusive, co-dependent, and controlling, but I'd be willing to bet that your boyfriend was drawn to you because he saw similar (and familiar) traits in you.
You may think that you're not trying to control your boyfriend's behavior and his life and you may think that you're not overly focused on what's happening in his life, but if you read Melody Beatty's book, "Co-dependent No More" with an open mind and attend alanon meetings and participate on this forum regularly you will begin to think differently.
I know I did.
When I met my daughter's father (not Richard, my ABF), his son's mouth fell open when he met me. Privately, he told me that not only was I the spitting image of his mother, but our personalities were eerily similar as well. Then he showed me a photo of his mother, it was like looking in a mirror.
I shared this with you because I've learned that people are drawn to the same type of partner over and over again. You may think that your boyfriend's ex-girlfriend is overly focused on what's happening in your boyfriend's life, abusive, co-dependent, and controlling, but I'd be willing to bet that your boyfriend was drawn to you because he saw similar (and familiar) traits in you.
You may think that you're not trying to control your boyfriend's behavior and his life and you may think that you're not overly focused on what's happening in his life, but if you read Melody Beatty's book, "Co-dependent No More" with an open mind and attend alanon meetings and participate on this forum regularly you will begin to think differently.
I know I did.
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Hi Jen, welcome.
I read this post of yours several times today and couldnt really get my head around what I wanted to say. I had a similar experience with my ex, who had no real money when I met him, we moved in too fast, things went south real fast also. Only thing was I didnt leave very fast. I was up to my eyeballs in the belief that leaving was admitting I was a failure and I thought I should have been able to financially support a grown man and if I couldnt, I was doing something wrong. Funny, bc if I go back and look at my old posts, I never saw that at the time and went to some bold lengths to get him to 'man up' and be responsible about finances and his drinking.
sigh. This paragraph is tough for me to swallow. I hope you will stick around and I get the chance to know you more. I said these very things too.
I had to value my future enough to stop looking out for his.
I read this post of yours several times today and couldnt really get my head around what I wanted to say. I had a similar experience with my ex, who had no real money when I met him, we moved in too fast, things went south real fast also. Only thing was I didnt leave very fast. I was up to my eyeballs in the belief that leaving was admitting I was a failure and I thought I should have been able to financially support a grown man and if I couldnt, I was doing something wrong. Funny, bc if I go back and look at my old posts, I never saw that at the time and went to some bold lengths to get him to 'man up' and be responsible about finances and his drinking.
dont know what to do.
I love him.
But I'm EXHAUSTED.
I pay ALL the bills - rent, electric, gas, phone, cable, internet, groceries. ANd some of his bills. I do NOT make a lot of money - I never have anything extra for things I want ... or sometimes things I NEED.
I love him.
But I'm EXHAUSTED.
I pay ALL the bills - rent, electric, gas, phone, cable, internet, groceries. ANd some of his bills. I do NOT make a lot of money - I never have anything extra for things I want ... or sometimes things I NEED.
I had to value my future enough to stop looking out for his.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: CT
Posts: 33
GL - Thanks for everything you said - it's nice to FINALLY have someone tell me that I don't have to leave right now... You're right, I do want to see where this takes him, hopefully for the better.
There are boundries in place, he knows DAMN well that if this doesn't start to change - and he doesn't stick to his changes, we're done. He's out of the apartment. GONE. I can't deal with it. I love him, but I don't deserve it.
As for the bill paying - he has no money. His car payment, insurance, and phone bill suck up a lot of his pay (he doesn't make a lot of money) and his ex makes him pay an arm and a leg every month for their child. (Prior to breaking up, they put $20k on her credit cards to fix up her place ... now he feels he still has to pay half, since his child lives there). Once he gets his lisence restored, he DOES have a VERY good paying (Compared to what he's making now) job lined up - ready to go.
FD - I dont honestly see how I can be controlling him - he controls the entire relationship. My stepping up in this way is the FIRST time I"ve asserted myself. I have no CHOICE.
As for his ex and me - physically, yes, we're both smaller with curly hair. But that stops there - she's big into partying and drinking and blah blah blah. I'm not at ALL. I'm 25, but I'd much rather be out with friends having coffee/tea or at home watching a nice movie. I'm not even CLOSE to her personality.
Elizabeth - Thanks - It's bittersweet to know that someone knows EXACTLY what I feel.
I don't feel that I'm failing because I can't support him - I'm barely scraping by, but I'm supporting us.
I dont feel like Im enabling him by doing so - honestly, I'd be in the same situation if he WASNT here, money would still be tight. I do love him - and can't bear the fact that if he had to leave, he'd be sleeping in his TRUCK.
Hope to get to know you better too ... Thanks
And, just for the record, you can call me Jenilee if you want - not just Italian girl. It's said like Jenny Lee .... Thanks everyone!!!
There are boundries in place, he knows DAMN well that if this doesn't start to change - and he doesn't stick to his changes, we're done. He's out of the apartment. GONE. I can't deal with it. I love him, but I don't deserve it.
As for the bill paying - he has no money. His car payment, insurance, and phone bill suck up a lot of his pay (he doesn't make a lot of money) and his ex makes him pay an arm and a leg every month for their child. (Prior to breaking up, they put $20k on her credit cards to fix up her place ... now he feels he still has to pay half, since his child lives there). Once he gets his lisence restored, he DOES have a VERY good paying (Compared to what he's making now) job lined up - ready to go.
FD - I dont honestly see how I can be controlling him - he controls the entire relationship. My stepping up in this way is the FIRST time I"ve asserted myself. I have no CHOICE.
As for his ex and me - physically, yes, we're both smaller with curly hair. But that stops there - she's big into partying and drinking and blah blah blah. I'm not at ALL. I'm 25, but I'd much rather be out with friends having coffee/tea or at home watching a nice movie. I'm not even CLOSE to her personality.
Elizabeth - Thanks - It's bittersweet to know that someone knows EXACTLY what I feel.
I don't feel that I'm failing because I can't support him - I'm barely scraping by, but I'm supporting us.
I dont feel like Im enabling him by doing so - honestly, I'd be in the same situation if he WASNT here, money would still be tight. I do love him - and can't bear the fact that if he had to leave, he'd be sleeping in his TRUCK.
Hope to get to know you better too ... Thanks
And, just for the record, you can call me Jenilee if you want - not just Italian girl. It's said like Jenny Lee .... Thanks everyone!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
I'd be willing to bet that your boyfriend was drawn to you because he saw similar (and familiar) traits in you.
Wow! XABF's X-W and I are like two peas in a pod in terms of our ability to cope. We are very level-headed, very family oriented and very responsible. I met her when XABF was white-knuckling it and sober. One of the first things she said to me was: "I just hope he doesn't start drinking again." Personally, I couldn't understand why they still weren't married. Hindsight is everything huh?
his ex makes him pay an arm and a leg every month for their child.
Jenni....that money is court ordered. Don't begrudge an innocent child, please!
he has no money. His car payment, insurance, and phone bill suck up a lot of his pay (he doesn't make a lot of money).....Once he gets his lisence restored, he DOES have a VERY good paying (Compared to what he's making now) job lined up - ready to go.
Don't forget that he always finds the money he needs to drink! XABF did too. And the "once this happens then that will happen" and "all I need to do is X, Y and Z". Sometimes an A will keep you hanging on by sweet-talking you about the future. Only you know how much you can take but, remember that ACTIONS are what you need.
ARL
Wow! XABF's X-W and I are like two peas in a pod in terms of our ability to cope. We are very level-headed, very family oriented and very responsible. I met her when XABF was white-knuckling it and sober. One of the first things she said to me was: "I just hope he doesn't start drinking again." Personally, I couldn't understand why they still weren't married. Hindsight is everything huh?
his ex makes him pay an arm and a leg every month for their child.
Jenni....that money is court ordered. Don't begrudge an innocent child, please!
he has no money. His car payment, insurance, and phone bill suck up a lot of his pay (he doesn't make a lot of money).....Once he gets his lisence restored, he DOES have a VERY good paying (Compared to what he's making now) job lined up - ready to go.
Don't forget that he always finds the money he needs to drink! XABF did too. And the "once this happens then that will happen" and "all I need to do is X, Y and Z". Sometimes an A will keep you hanging on by sweet-talking you about the future. Only you know how much you can take but, remember that ACTIONS are what you need.
ARL
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: CT
Posts: 33
ARealLady - I do NOT begrudge that child for ANYTHING. I think you are ready what I said COMPLETELY wrong.
I buy him clothes and toys and books and crayons - and I have never even MET him. I think the kids a doll just from phone conversations and pictures.
It is HER that I begrudge. It is NOT court ordered, it is completely verbal. And it is HER guilting him into paying too much. She refuses to have it court appointed.
I buy him clothes and toys and books and crayons - and I have never even MET him. I think the kids a doll just from phone conversations and pictures.
It is HER that I begrudge. It is NOT court ordered, it is completely verbal. And it is HER guilting him into paying too much. She refuses to have it court appointed.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Personally, I think you need to leave the issue of what he pays in child support between him and his ex. Its their problem, not yours. You cannot know the issues and reasons behind it since you weren't involved. If your boyfirend thinks he's paying too much, he can go to court about it. But again, its his problem and his responsibility.
If staying in the relationship is your choice, then you need to decide what your boundaries are and learn to stick to them. I strongly suggest AlAnon or individual therapy to get to understand yourself and your situation better. Its not easy to deal with all the issues on our own.
If staying in the relationship is your choice, then you need to decide what your boundaries are and learn to stick to them. I strongly suggest AlAnon or individual therapy to get to understand yourself and your situation better. Its not easy to deal with all the issues on our own.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: CT
Posts: 33
Barbara - I'd be able to IF it didn't mean she took ALL of his money and left me stuck paying everything - it's really just simply not fair. She's 36 and lives in her parents duplex - she has NO bills to pay other than her cell phone and credit cards, they pay for everything. YET, she still has him giving her about $600-$800 a month!!! At least!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by ItalianGirl 
Barbara - I'd be able to IF it didn't mean she took ALL of his money and left me stuck paying everything - it's really just simply not fair. She's 36 and lives in her parents duplex - she has NO bills to pay other than her cell phone and credit cards, they pay for everything. YET, she still has him giving her about $600-$800 a month!!! At least!!!
I ended up leaving my husband because (amongst all the other things) I got tired of being the only one contributing financially to the household. Its going to mean selling my house in a bad housing market. But that is one of the consequences of my choices. I chose to ignore my AH's refusal to get a job for 2 years and as a result ended up further in debt and stressed to the extreme trying to make payments larger than my income. But it was my own fault. I chose to do that (stupidly I now think). I realized that by allowing my AH to live without the consequences of no job that I wasn't doing him a favor either. Its well past time he stand up and be a self supporting adult at the age of 53.
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I too took on my exabf's debt with a loan and we are no longer together, and now he pays me monthly. If i were you, i would end any financial support now before your really involved and in debt yourself. Think about years down the road like what Barbara said, we have a choice now before it's too late and your in for ALOT more than $600-$800 per month. JMHO as i've made a bad decision myself months ago.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
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ItalianGirl, part of being a parent is being responsible for the children you create. You don't have children yet, so you can't possibly know how expensive it is to raise a child. Six to 800 dollars a month is a drop in the bucket. It doesn't begin to cover what a child needs on a monthly basis. Heck, day care alone costs about $1,200 per child a month. That doesn't include diapers, formula, food, health care, clothing and other expenses. It doesn't matter if this child's mother has no expenses and is living with her parents. It doesn't matter if she's already making a million dollars a year. The simple fact is that your boyfriend created a child with this woman and he's responsible for his half of his child's expenses for the next 18 years. I can guarantee you that $600-800 a month isn't even HALF of this child's expenses.
The simple fact is that your boyfriend is as irresponsible a father as he is a non-existent partner to you. That's not because he's a lousy person, it's because he's an alcoholic and that's what alcoholics do.
And I'll bet that despite having to shell out $600-800 a month he ALWAYS finds the funds necessary to feed his addiction. Your boyfriend has one thing on his mind: feed his addiction at all costs--whatever it takes.
The reason he's being lovey dovey to you now is that he's afraid that you'll finally see the truth and start seeing him for what he really is: a major user. What person would want to lose a woman that allows him to ignore her, allows him to stay out at all hours of the night, allows him not to pull his share of the finances and responsibilities? The fact is you give him a free ride and let him treat you poorly, and somehow the mother of his child is responsible for all your financial woes. This makes absolutely no sense.
Another thing, if he's truly trying to get his act together he can get himself to his AA meetings. You should NOT be driving him. He can arrange to carpool with others in his group who by some miracle still have a license.
Instead of driving him to his meetings, how about driving yourself to an Alanon meeting? The sooner you get help for yourself, the sooner your life will improve. The sooner you stop focusing on what your boyfriend is doing, what his child is doing, what his ex-girlfriend is doing, what his family is doing, etc. and start focusing on yourself and why you let people take advantage of you, the sooner you can start to live the life you really want to live.
I'm rooting for you!
The simple fact is that your boyfriend is as irresponsible a father as he is a non-existent partner to you. That's not because he's a lousy person, it's because he's an alcoholic and that's what alcoholics do.
And I'll bet that despite having to shell out $600-800 a month he ALWAYS finds the funds necessary to feed his addiction. Your boyfriend has one thing on his mind: feed his addiction at all costs--whatever it takes.
The reason he's being lovey dovey to you now is that he's afraid that you'll finally see the truth and start seeing him for what he really is: a major user. What person would want to lose a woman that allows him to ignore her, allows him to stay out at all hours of the night, allows him not to pull his share of the finances and responsibilities? The fact is you give him a free ride and let him treat you poorly, and somehow the mother of his child is responsible for all your financial woes. This makes absolutely no sense.
Another thing, if he's truly trying to get his act together he can get himself to his AA meetings. You should NOT be driving him. He can arrange to carpool with others in his group who by some miracle still have a license.
Instead of driving him to his meetings, how about driving yourself to an Alanon meeting? The sooner you get help for yourself, the sooner your life will improve. The sooner you stop focusing on what your boyfriend is doing, what his child is doing, what his ex-girlfriend is doing, what his family is doing, etc. and start focusing on yourself and why you let people take advantage of you, the sooner you can start to live the life you really want to live.
I'm rooting for you!
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