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Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
It is highly unlikely a social drinker would negatively effect people close to him/her. On the other hand, not everyone that alcohol adversely affects is an alcoholic. There is alcohol abuse, and varying levels of dependence. Dependence is the scary one in that there tends to be a progression to more dependence.
One truism is to not judge them by their words, but by their actions. Saying they want to quit is a positive step, but making it a reality is the slam dunk
One truism is to not judge them by their words, but by their actions. Saying they want to quit is a positive step, but making it a reality is the slam dunk
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Hey there Italiangirl! I'm also new here, I'm 27 and I've been dating my alcoholic boyf for nearly 5 years.
I completely understand where you are coming from. My bf only admitted to his problem about 6 months ago. Here in Britain we don't have access to Rehab centres as easily as in the US. I think its great that he is at one, but did the decision come from him or was he told to go? Understanding that he has a problem won't make the want for drink go away. My boyf knows he is ill. He is at this time 3 days sober, but I'm starting to lose count of how many times he has attempted this. Each time he relapses he is filled with guilt, if we argue he tells me I don't love him. He thinks this because he doesn't see how I could love him when he believes he is so worthless.
I think from listening to you talk about his mom & his ex, your bf has been made to feel worthless by people he believed should have loved and cared for him. That pain goes very deep, and even if he manages to control his drinking, he will still have this emotional scar to overcome.
Take care not to think that you can save him where others could not. He is the only one who can do that. You aren't Superwoman! Although the love and support from someone who cares can be a great feeling, ultimately it still needs to come from him. Please don't get yourself into debt over him. I have paid thousands covering my bf debts (we have a mortgage together so I'm kind of stuck with the finances). I agree with others that he must learn to cope with these things himself. Taking away those responsibilities won't give him space he needs to sort out his head, it'll probably just give him less reason to worry about how much gets spent on beer.
You don't need to stop the relationship to ensure your mental and spiritual well being. Why not, while you still have the option to, slow things down a little in your relationship. Move into your own space and let him have his? You can still spend time together, and be there for him, but you will also have the security of knowing that if he messes up financially you are not at risk! Your home will be secure and you will have space to be independant. I know from where I am right now that my credit has been ruined. We have had to attend court to prevent losing our home and all because my bf will quite happily spend all our income on his drink. I feel I have to take his credit cards from him, I even sometimes empty our account so he cannot access any money. I check his pockets to see how much he has taken and even hide our money around the house to try and prevent him from spending it all. When I ask him to go get a pint of milk I have to give him the correct money because I know that he will be tempted to buy beers with any extra. It is a sad state of affairs to be in. I feel I have become a mother to him instead of a partner, and now I am having to learn to stop mothering and become a partner again!
I completely understand where you are coming from. My bf only admitted to his problem about 6 months ago. Here in Britain we don't have access to Rehab centres as easily as in the US. I think its great that he is at one, but did the decision come from him or was he told to go? Understanding that he has a problem won't make the want for drink go away. My boyf knows he is ill. He is at this time 3 days sober, but I'm starting to lose count of how many times he has attempted this. Each time he relapses he is filled with guilt, if we argue he tells me I don't love him. He thinks this because he doesn't see how I could love him when he believes he is so worthless.
I think from listening to you talk about his mom & his ex, your bf has been made to feel worthless by people he believed should have loved and cared for him. That pain goes very deep, and even if he manages to control his drinking, he will still have this emotional scar to overcome.
Take care not to think that you can save him where others could not. He is the only one who can do that. You aren't Superwoman! Although the love and support from someone who cares can be a great feeling, ultimately it still needs to come from him. Please don't get yourself into debt over him. I have paid thousands covering my bf debts (we have a mortgage together so I'm kind of stuck with the finances). I agree with others that he must learn to cope with these things himself. Taking away those responsibilities won't give him space he needs to sort out his head, it'll probably just give him less reason to worry about how much gets spent on beer.
You don't need to stop the relationship to ensure your mental and spiritual well being. Why not, while you still have the option to, slow things down a little in your relationship. Move into your own space and let him have his? You can still spend time together, and be there for him, but you will also have the security of knowing that if he messes up financially you are not at risk! Your home will be secure and you will have space to be independant. I know from where I am right now that my credit has been ruined. We have had to attend court to prevent losing our home and all because my bf will quite happily spend all our income on his drink. I feel I have to take his credit cards from him, I even sometimes empty our account so he cannot access any money. I check his pockets to see how much he has taken and even hide our money around the house to try and prevent him from spending it all. When I ask him to go get a pint of milk I have to give him the correct money because I know that he will be tempted to buy beers with any extra. It is a sad state of affairs to be in. I feel I have become a mother to him instead of a partner, and now I am having to learn to stop mothering and become a partner again!
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I wasn't making fun of you, ItalianGirl. I have nothing but compassion for people who's lives have been affected by alcoholism. I've lived with my partner's drinking, too, and it was a nightmare.
With the help of the people on this forum, I've learned that the solution begins and ends with me. Learning to seek the truth and break through my denial was the first step towards a happier life for me. That's the message I was trying to convey.
With the help of the people on this forum, I've learned that the solution begins and ends with me. Learning to seek the truth and break through my denial was the first step towards a happier life for me. That's the message I was trying to convey.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Newark New Jersey
Posts: 38
Originally Posted by ItalianGirl 
Hi everyone,
My name is Jen. I'm 25 years old, and I live with my boyfriend of abut a year (Yes, we moved in quickly, I know).
When I first met him, it became very obvious, very quickly, that he had a drinking problem. He's 26, 25 at the time. I saw that he was pushing me aside to party with his friends, and I couldn't take it. I'm a social drinker to the T. I'll go to happy hour, have a drink, and guzzle water the rest of the night. It's just not, and never has been my "thing."
I told him that he had to SERIOUSLY back off, or we were done. And he did.
Or so I thought.
So many times he'll go out drinking - or to "meet a friend" and won't call and tell me what's going on - 9 times out of 10, when he does this, he doesn't come home until at the EARLIEST 3am .... one time not until 5:30pm the next DAY.
He doesn't have his lisence due to a DUI.
A friend of mine - who he more or less comendeered - informed me yesterday that he had asked him to come out on many occasions, to go drinking. While they were out - if I'd call my friend, my boyfriend would tell him to lie that he wasn't there. He KNOWINGLY would tell him that we had dinner plans, but he was breaking them to drink.
I can't say anything to him abut this because like I said, a friend told me.
I have spoken to him MANY times about his drinking problem - he's never admitted to one. Until yesterday.
I came home to meet him for lunch - FUMING mad about having learned what I just did from my friend - and he had made me lunch. And was "waiting to talk to me" ... So we talked. And he, out of NOWHERE, admited that he had a drinking problem.
Well long story short - here we go ... he started his drinking treatment today (requried by the state). He went into it with his friend who also has a DUI. They were both VERY ho-hum about it -- But he just called me after his first evening there and said that he completely broke down and REALLY wants to fix things ... That he's going to take this seriously, for himself, me and his son (not my child).
I've put up with SO much. It's SO hard on me. I'm DRAINED. He has no money because he has such high car insurance and has to pay for his son ... his child's mother guilts him out of all his money ... because he's a "lousy father for drinking" (Side note: he LOVES his child and does EVERYTHING for him - she just abuses his situation)
I dont know what to do.
I love him.
But I'm EXHAUSTED.
I pay ALL the bills - rent, electric, gas, phone, cable, internet, groceries. ANd some of his bills. I do NOT make a lot of money - I never have anything extra for things I want ... or sometimes things I NEED.
Do things get better? As they start to work through things?
I'm ready to give up - please help me....
My name is Jen. I'm 25 years old, and I live with my boyfriend of abut a year (Yes, we moved in quickly, I know).
When I first met him, it became very obvious, very quickly, that he had a drinking problem. He's 26, 25 at the time. I saw that he was pushing me aside to party with his friends, and I couldn't take it. I'm a social drinker to the T. I'll go to happy hour, have a drink, and guzzle water the rest of the night. It's just not, and never has been my "thing."
I told him that he had to SERIOUSLY back off, or we were done. And he did.
Or so I thought.
So many times he'll go out drinking - or to "meet a friend" and won't call and tell me what's going on - 9 times out of 10, when he does this, he doesn't come home until at the EARLIEST 3am .... one time not until 5:30pm the next DAY.
He doesn't have his lisence due to a DUI.
A friend of mine - who he more or less comendeered - informed me yesterday that he had asked him to come out on many occasions, to go drinking. While they were out - if I'd call my friend, my boyfriend would tell him to lie that he wasn't there. He KNOWINGLY would tell him that we had dinner plans, but he was breaking them to drink.
I can't say anything to him abut this because like I said, a friend told me.
I have spoken to him MANY times about his drinking problem - he's never admitted to one. Until yesterday.
I came home to meet him for lunch - FUMING mad about having learned what I just did from my friend - and he had made me lunch. And was "waiting to talk to me" ... So we talked. And he, out of NOWHERE, admited that he had a drinking problem.
Well long story short - here we go ... he started his drinking treatment today (requried by the state). He went into it with his friend who also has a DUI. They were both VERY ho-hum about it -- But he just called me after his first evening there and said that he completely broke down and REALLY wants to fix things ... That he's going to take this seriously, for himself, me and his son (not my child).
I've put up with SO much. It's SO hard on me. I'm DRAINED. He has no money because he has such high car insurance and has to pay for his son ... his child's mother guilts him out of all his money ... because he's a "lousy father for drinking" (Side note: he LOVES his child and does EVERYTHING for him - she just abuses his situation)
I dont know what to do.
I love him.
But I'm EXHAUSTED.
I pay ALL the bills - rent, electric, gas, phone, cable, internet, groceries. ANd some of his bills. I do NOT make a lot of money - I never have anything extra for things I want ... or sometimes things I NEED.
Do things get better? As they start to work through things?
I'm ready to give up - please help me....
Your friend,
Sneakers
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
It was a painful - very painful lesson for me to learn that supporting was enabling. XABF needed to do it ALL by himself, or he wouldn't recover.
Take what you like - leave the rest.
Sorry you are going through this.
Take what you like - leave the rest.
Sorry you are going through this.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Midwest
Posts: 112
This summer my sister was in a very well-respected rehab and we went down there for family weekend. The facility is an evidenced-based practice facility, meaning their treatment is based on research. I learned a lot, some of which differed somewhat from what you hear elsewhere (like this forum). One thing is that support is very important in recovery (disclaimer--I'm just sharing results from research studies here, not saying these are my opinions). The hard part is finding the line between supporting and enabling (ok, that part was my opinion). One definintion is supporting/helping is doing something for someone they can't do for themselves. Enabling is doing something for someone they can do for themselves.
Personally, I don't see anything wrong with you driving him to AA (unless he can drive himself). I most definitely wouldn't buy beer for my boyfriend's friends though...
The other night I was driving home from an Al Anon meeting which I had attended with my boyfriend (every once in awhile we go together and it is GREAT, but that is a whole other topic). Anyway, my recovering alcoholic sister who is living with me calls on the way home and asks me to buy her cigarettes. I don't like supporting my little sister in this habit. I told her I felt uncomfortable buying them, but then I did it anyway!!!! Man, this codependency thing is a hard habit to break!
Personally, I don't see anything wrong with you driving him to AA (unless he can drive himself). I most definitely wouldn't buy beer for my boyfriend's friends though...
The other night I was driving home from an Al Anon meeting which I had attended with my boyfriend (every once in awhile we go together and it is GREAT, but that is a whole other topic). Anyway, my recovering alcoholic sister who is living with me calls on the way home and asks me to buy her cigarettes. I don't like supporting my little sister in this habit. I told her I felt uncomfortable buying them, but then I did it anyway!!!! Man, this codependency thing is a hard habit to break!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by QU31
The facility is an evidenced-based practice facility, meaning their treatment is based on research. I learned a lot, some of which differed somewhat from what you hear elsewhere (like this forum). One thing is that support is very important in recovery (disclaimer--I'm just sharing results from research studies here, not saying these are my opinions). The hard part is finding the line between supporting and enabling (ok, that part was my opinion). One definintion is supporting/helping is doing something for someone they can't do for themselves. Enabling is doing something for someone they can do for themselves.
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