flwrchld

Drunk husband went fishing with friends yesterday evening, left house probably about 4 or 5 pm, came in house about 9:30 or 10:00pm drunk, ate sandwiches with 2 of his drunk buddies, left and didn't return untill about 5:30 this morning. I did what I said I should never do again, I checked his cell phone, he had been texting two different girls and asking them to go fishing with them. That went on untill about 2 or 3 in the morning, I don't know if one of them ever showed up, and I don't really want to ask him, he doesn't know that I checked his phone calls, now I sorta wish I never had. I have a feeling he is doing more than getting wasted on these chosen nights, I really don't know what to do. Should I confront him and let him know I snooped, or should I sit back and watch him totally tear his marriage apart? Any suggestions?

WantsOut

The big question is: what do you want? Do you know? Trying to make what you want clear to yourself will help you decide what you need to do to be happy.

All the answers are inside you

hopeangel

"I really don't know what to do. Should I confront him and let him know I snooped, or should I sit back and watch him totally tear his marriage apart? Any suggestions?"

first, i'm sorry, i know that has to hurt. i would take what you know and make your decisions based on that. that simple. you are not helpless in this situation. you have choices too. the sooner we stop playing victim to the whole situation-the sooner we have our own power to act.

just be smart about it all

chero

I'm so sorry Flwr! How awful for you!!

What do you want to do? Do you want to salvage the marriage? Is this something you can live with?

Thinking about you!!!
(((((Flwr)))))

kermit

I can't tell you what to do, but I will tell you what I did, I threw mine out. And then we were going to "work" it out, when he came home he was drunk. ANd the thought of him with someonelse I couldn't do it so I had him leave, forever. It was and is the most painful thing I have done, but I'm better for it. I just couldn't take it.
Prayers and huggs, Kermmie

flwrchld

Here is how I feel today, I don't want to think, I can't concentrate, I am completely down, I don't know which way to turn at the moment. I need to think first. UGGG! I hate this. Lost, confused, Mad, numb! What to do!!!!

Pick-a-name

Sorry this happened.

I would not bother to stoop to his level and ask him to explain.....it will probably turned around by him to "explain why he drinks--you don't trust him and spy on him",etc. and I would bet he would claim he did nothing wrong anyhow (probably say it was someone using his phone). Truth be told, he might have been in a blackout and NOT remember it....... Bottom line is that it will make you feel worse and puff him up all the more.

I'm glad you are here to vent. Of course what he did was not right behavior on many counts,but you already know that. But I don't think you will get anything positive from asking him about it.

Keep the focus on you.

Here I go again, but if you haven't read "Getting Them Sober", I'd suggest giving it a look. Practical tips about dealing with these thorny problems.

Sorry you are hurting. Doesn't help too much but I try to remind myself that any woman who would go along with any of this behavior is not too healthy herself. Kinda a sad group of folks when you think about it.

parentrecovers

you deserve peace and happiness, flwrchld. blessings, k

Tazman53

Hello! The recovered alcoholic is sitting here stratching his head....... I know exactly what I would do, because part of being an alcoholic is thinking about myself first.

If my wife did what your husband did, whether she was an alcoholic or not I can tell you what this recovered alcoholic would do, I would give her the boot so fast it would make her head spin!!!

Am I talking trash here? Nope, before my drinking got bad my first wife made the decision that she did not want to be a mother or a wife anymore and moved herself into one of the girls rooms. I am thinking okay fine, maybe we can work things out.

Well in just a few days she told me she was going to start dating, I told her that as long as she was living under the same roof as me and the kids this was not happening, that she had to go if that is what she wished.

I have to assume she did not believe me, that Friday night out on a date she goes, she arrived home to find her stuff packed and on the front stoop, doors locked and dead bolts thrown.

She knew she had crossed the line, she called a friend and was gone!

I just do not understand how some one can allow some one else to crap all over them, my wife only took it for a while and then drew the line in the sand and I knew she meant business.

Seeking Wisdom

Just a thought .... my son's friends are always borrowing his cell phone to text others...including their girlfriends ... because they don't have a phone themselves or their batteries went dead. Also...using someone else's phone would be a great way to conceal questionable conversations from their own wives or girlfriends?!

I don't know if this could happen in your situation ... but just thought I would bring up the possibility that maybe those weren't his text messages ... but one of his friends.

Rella927

((((Hugs FLWR))))))

I cannot tell you how sorry that I'am you are going through this pain- I have learned that in my dealings with not only my brother, father but my XA that no matter what you say when you confront them they hear "quack quack" and others are right when they say they will turn it around on you! It is not worth the energy or the wasted breathe! I confronted mine one time as I did the unthinkable and checked his phone! Txt to girls will not say what they said-but the excuse was just that-"Chris needed my phone his was dead!" come to find out gee imagine this ....NOT TRUE!

Focus on you!

That book as Pick-A-Name said is an awesome book! I bought it not too long ago and try my hardest to pick it up-I'am hoping in the next couple of weeks I can go sit on the beach (ahhhh) in my chair (ahhhh) and read that book!

Thank you Pick-A-Name Love ya!

Flwr what are you going to do for you this weekend? (Get that book?)

Astro

My story has a slightly different twist on checking cell phones. I was a quiet drunk, liked to isolate at home with my beer and vodka (we're the worst kind, heh-heh). When my ex got weary of me being emotionally unavailable she started calling and texting male co-workers and old boyfriends. When I checked her phone and confronted her on it she became angry and defensive, my solution was to drink more and become even more resentful. This went on for a year or so, and eventually she had an affair with and remarried one of the guys she was calling.

Bottom line, confront him for your own sake, in my opinion it's not snooping, it's setting boundaries and protecting yourself.

Rella927

True good way to approach it Astro! Never thought about it that way (not that I can do that now! what's done is done)

Setting boundaries-as you confront their behavior-I guess I should have found this place sooner and stuck to my recovery a bit sooner too but, I'am here now and that is what matters.

Love ya too Astro!

flwrchld

This is not the first time I have checked his phone, he has called one or the other girls at different times when out drinking. He has even told one he does not want to see her boyfriend, what he wants is to see her. I haven't asked him about any of this. I am just boiling inside and want to calm down to think first. I get pretty stupid when angry. I must calm down before doing anything. I think he has been doing this for a while, not sure, wish I knew for sure, but don't think he will ever fess up. He lies so well,
Question: when he stays out all night, then the next couple days acts as if we are happily married, tells me he loves me over and over, takes me out to dinner, acts like father of the year. Do you think he is guilty of something? He does this alot. I feel like I can't even think for myself sometimes. What is real and what is not. That part of questioning my sanity is coming out strong this morning.

denny57

I believe I knew on a gut level what was going on - always. I stayed in denial until the humiliation of what I had become forced me to do something about it. All the choices seem to be in your husband's hands right now. I took back control of my own life.

A good question might be why do you believe he is the only one allowing the marriage to be destroyed?

The pain is awful; I'm sorry you have to go through it.

"Question: when he stays out all night, then the next couple days acts as if we are happily married, tells me he loves me over and over, takes me out to dinner, acts like father of the year. Do you think he is guilty of something?"

Yes, manipulation to keep the status quo.

Astro

For me that would be a way of hiding/covering up my guilt, in hopes that my spouse would turn the other cheek to my drinking. "Whaddya say we make nice-nice and forget about what an ***hole I am when I'm drunk?" I know that routine well, I believed she'd never leave me as long as I was trying my hardest to be a good husband and father. Sadly, it's still a behavior I'm working on in relationships today.

Bjen

Oh, the big question of sanity! My god. I have been looking back over the years of my relationship lately. Making the "bad things he has done to me" list as was suggested in another post. It is hard to face all that crap at once, it takes me a while. Reading what you are going threw throws me back into how I felt when he was doing that. I'm sorry for how you feel. I can feel that sickness in my stomach, lack of concentration, the self doubt and wondering what I did wrong as you tell your story. I don't miss that.
I played that game for years and years, knowing he was lying if I confronted him but wanting to believe it anyway because I wasn't ready to let him go.
Like the others have said, it is what you want and what you are ready to do. You can throw him out but it won't do any good if you aren't ready to do it for good. If you're not and let him back, it will just continue. Sadly, the only thing that ever kept my A from cheating on me was when I found someone I truly enjoyed being around (didn't cheat) but enjoyed time with this person. Then my A decided he would change. And he did. No more women, no more cheating, but an ugly, resentful, vengeful man that wanted to get me back and hurt me because even though he did it to me in the past, he was going to make me pay. Hence, the last year of hell. Oh did I pay for that.
He too would be the best man in the world after a couple of days of being out. They know they hurt you, they know they wouldn't like it if you did that to them. So, after mine came home and slept it off (all gross and smelly and sweating in the recliner) he would be Mr. Perfect for a few days until he felt better about himself. Whether he was cheating or not, he felt that he had to smooth things over. Whether it was to make me feel better or himself (I think the latter). I got to be Queen for a couple of days but as soon as I tried to express how hurt I was (even in a constructive way no blaming or hurting him) he would get mad and bring up that he was being nice now or bring up how awful I am. Then, I doubt myself.
There really is no winning is there. An alcoholic mind is sick. But it does belong to a human being that we love. How much do you want to take, how much do you want to give? The answer to those questions will give you an answer.
Hang in there. I am sorry for how you feel. It sucks but we are here for you. B

flwrchld

Bjen, Call me stupid, but I have been in this marriage for 18 years, and haven't left yet, and think about doing it daily. Your explanation of your life is mine in a nutshell, I quess I am not such a freak after all for putting up with this insanity. I wish I could just go, be gone, let him be drunk and stinky, and nasty, belligerent and the list goes on and on. But I don't. We live in a little nothing town that he was born and raised in. All the people look at me like I am either nuts, or they pity me, some even say to me, he must be really hard to live with. A first I tried to act like the strong woman who stood by her man no matter what. I am tired of being strong, and standing by his drunk ass. But I feel somewhat defeated and tired. Still not feeling any better this morning, concentration is not back, energy is gone, I just want to sleep a while, probably the lack of sleep I had last night. Why do I do this?

an'ka

If you confront him, he will manage to not only maneuver his way out of this, but will make YOU feel bad about even having such thoughts of him! Been there, done that. The last time my AH went out with the boys (while in recovery), I accidentally found pictures of a woman on his camera. Couple of normal pics and one "butt" view. Whoever took the picture was obviously enjoying her rear end. When I confronted AH, he said the camera was out on the table with several others and one of his buddies must have taken the shot. Do I believe it? Yes and no. It's plausable, but I certainly don't believe him 100%. I guess, one or two "little incidents" can be explained away, but when it happens several times-- I would trust my gut. Whether drinking or not, it's unacceptable. If he wants to "socialize", let him, just remember to remove yourself from the picture.

And, to your earlier post, being strong is really overrated.

Astro

We do it because we love them. My ex loved me at one time, I loved her. I was doing my same crazy crap in a recent relationship, we both hung in there for six months because we loved each other so much. 2 1/2 years of sobriety and I still quack like a drunk.