What a Weekend!!!! I'm at my wits end!!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
Maybe your son and his girlfriend need to see you save yourself. It may make them feel great to know they contrbiuted to it. The example you se tfor them now will sereve them over and over in their own lives. When things get hard, they will remember you pushing through.
The most important thing we can leave our adult kids is the memory of us facing life head on. It hurts our kids when they see us quit or resign ourselves.
I think your son and his girlfriend are proud of you.
The most important thing we can leave our adult kids is the memory of us facing life head on. It hurts our kids when they see us quit or resign ourselves.
I think your son and his girlfriend are proud of you.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Queentree, I was 45 when I started over. I just turned 47 in March and I'm not only feeling GREAT, but I'm doing GREAT. I've found that most times, the fear doesn't equal the reality. In fact, I posted a Fear vs. Reality chart a while ago that may be helpful to you. I'll try to dig it up and repost it.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Let me preface the following chart with this: NONE of my fears became reality.
FD's Fear vs. Reality Chart
Fear: What’s out there might be worse than what I have now
Reality: My previous life was filled with frustration, rage, emptiness, loneliness, sadness, and hopelessness. My life today is filled with happiness, serenity, and joy.
Fear: Nobody else will want me
Reality: Apparently, I’ve still got “it.” In no time at all, I had offers from four gentlemen--two of them half my age. Not too shabby for a 47-year-old gal.
Fear: I’ll be lonely
Reality: I’m much too busy enjoying new activities, new friends, and a new life to be lonely.
Fear: I’m incapable of taking care of myself
Reality: Today I’m independent, intelligent, and strong. I can do anything I set my mind to do and do it well.
Fear: My partner would fall apart with out me
Reality: He was falling apart with me and, for a time, he continued on the same path without me. And when he fell, he fell hard. He nearly lost his life—prompting him to finally get serious about his recovery. A path he probably would have taken much sooner, had I just stepped out of the way.
Fear: I’d feel guilty if my partner succumbed to the disease
Reality: I didn’t cause his disease, and I could do nothing to stop him. When the doctors called for next-of-kin because they feared he wouldn’t survive, I felt sad for a life potentially wasted, but never guilty.
Fear: A broken relationship is better than no relationship at all
Reality: In order to have a healthy relationship, I needed to be healthy first. In order to have a happy relationship, I needed to learn how to be happy with myself.
Fear: I won’t be able to make it financially on my own.
Reality: We earn what we think we deserve. And when I stopped believing that I was worth less than others, my take home pay increased accordingly, to the tune of $1,400 a month—the exact amount Richard was contributing to my household each month. I asked for what I needed and I received it.
Hope this helps.
FD's Fear vs. Reality Chart
Fear: What’s out there might be worse than what I have now
Reality: My previous life was filled with frustration, rage, emptiness, loneliness, sadness, and hopelessness. My life today is filled with happiness, serenity, and joy.
Fear: Nobody else will want me
Reality: Apparently, I’ve still got “it.” In no time at all, I had offers from four gentlemen--two of them half my age. Not too shabby for a 47-year-old gal.
Fear: I’ll be lonely
Reality: I’m much too busy enjoying new activities, new friends, and a new life to be lonely.
Fear: I’m incapable of taking care of myself
Reality: Today I’m independent, intelligent, and strong. I can do anything I set my mind to do and do it well.
Fear: My partner would fall apart with out me
Reality: He was falling apart with me and, for a time, he continued on the same path without me. And when he fell, he fell hard. He nearly lost his life—prompting him to finally get serious about his recovery. A path he probably would have taken much sooner, had I just stepped out of the way.
Fear: I’d feel guilty if my partner succumbed to the disease
Reality: I didn’t cause his disease, and I could do nothing to stop him. When the doctors called for next-of-kin because they feared he wouldn’t survive, I felt sad for a life potentially wasted, but never guilty.
Fear: A broken relationship is better than no relationship at all
Reality: In order to have a healthy relationship, I needed to be healthy first. In order to have a happy relationship, I needed to learn how to be happy with myself.
Fear: I won’t be able to make it financially on my own.
Reality: We earn what we think we deserve. And when I stopped believing that I was worth less than others, my take home pay increased accordingly, to the tune of $1,400 a month—the exact amount Richard was contributing to my household each month. I asked for what I needed and I received it.
Hope this helps.
Recovering Nicely
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
Thanks, that post really did help. And I know I can do it, I have in the past. The thing is, most times I am not upset with AH, don't let it get to me, and am basically a happy person. It's just after months and months, it finally becomes too much for me to handle and I kinda have a breakdown for a day or so. And with the exception of this weekend, he is not a bad person or mean, he's usually a mush, pain in the neck, talking on and on drunk. Anyway, AH called me this morning at work, I took his phone call cause it's better than him coming here drunk. He asked if I was coming home tonite. I asked if he was going to be drinking tonite. He said no, so I said I would be home but if he was drinking, and I can tell if he is, I was out of there. I truly know in my heart of hearts that he will be drinking, but I'm hoping he won't be cause I'm laying the cards on the table, that I won't deal with this anymore, he has to get help (be it AA, rehab, etc.) and that if he is truly serious, he will move out and work on him. That will show me how serious he is. And if he doesn't agree to it, then I will take inventory of all our assets and figure out a plan on how to divide it up and move on with my life, even tho it is sad. I saw a saying over the weekend at a store I went to - maybe a sign from my HP - that said "The best things in life aren't things." How true!!!
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
QT my heart sings for you right now! The main thing is for QT to keep QT #1!!!! You deserve so much better, you have spent your time in hell!
Kind of like the Marines from Iwo Jima showing up at the Pearly Gate and Saint Peter swinging the gates wide and saying "Come on in boys, you have spent your time in hell!"
QT you are in my prayers, you actually made me a bit teary eyed, thank you for taking care of your self.
Kind of like the Marines from Iwo Jima showing up at the Pearly Gate and Saint Peter swinging the gates wide and saying "Come on in boys, you have spent your time in hell!"
QT you are in my prayers, you actually made me a bit teary eyed, thank you for taking care of your self.
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
You wrote this at 131 am today.
What happened between then and your last post that made you decide to go home even though
??
Maybe you dont want to leave him.
Maybe you still think he will quit if he loves you and if you do what he asks?
Maybe your good times with him are more often than the bad?
I am thinking if he ever asked me back (which I highly doubt) I would tell him that he needs to go to detox and rehab then live with his mother (who is totally against drinking) for at least 6 mos., then maybe we'll have a chance.
I truly know in my heart of hearts that he will be drinking
Maybe you dont want to leave him.
Maybe you still think he will quit if he loves you and if you do what he asks?
Maybe your good times with him are more often than the bad?
Recovering Nicely
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
Taz, thanks for your post, you are really helping me and giving me strength thru all of this.
Hey Elizabeth - thanks for your post. The thing that changed between 1:31 this morning and now is a horrible night's sleep on my son's couch with his cat sleeping on me and hearing geese all night. I actually had/have every intention of staying away and doing what I need to do for me right now, but I also am hoping that maybe, just maybe, he will be sober and I could just lay the cards on the table, that he has to get help and he has to move out, and therefore, I am the one who does not have to move from place to place living out of my suitcase. And it would show me how serious he is, and I would be able to work on ME while he is gone. By me staying at my son's indefinitely and not laying the cards on the table is counterproductive, I needed a plan and I made a plan. And if he doesn't want to do it, this is his only option, one time deal to agree to it right now, tonite. If he doesn't, I am out of there and will then proceed to stay away and do what I have to do. I won't give him the option of thinking about it, etc. As for am I ready to leave him, maybe not, but I have to do what I have to do and make myself ready. I have no other choice. I owe it to me, whether my heart is ready or not. As for our good times, yes, we have had many and 99% of the time he is a good, kind, generous, caring man. But I see that man slipping away after this weekend.
Hey Elizabeth - thanks for your post. The thing that changed between 1:31 this morning and now is a horrible night's sleep on my son's couch with his cat sleeping on me and hearing geese all night. I actually had/have every intention of staying away and doing what I need to do for me right now, but I also am hoping that maybe, just maybe, he will be sober and I could just lay the cards on the table, that he has to get help and he has to move out, and therefore, I am the one who does not have to move from place to place living out of my suitcase. And it would show me how serious he is, and I would be able to work on ME while he is gone. By me staying at my son's indefinitely and not laying the cards on the table is counterproductive, I needed a plan and I made a plan. And if he doesn't want to do it, this is his only option, one time deal to agree to it right now, tonite. If he doesn't, I am out of there and will then proceed to stay away and do what I have to do. I won't give him the option of thinking about it, etc. As for am I ready to leave him, maybe not, but I have to do what I have to do and make myself ready. I have no other choice. I owe it to me, whether my heart is ready or not. As for our good times, yes, we have had many and 99% of the time he is a good, kind, generous, caring man. But I see that man slipping away after this weekend.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
Make a list and practice for tonight or your heart will melt and you will watch the progression.
Leave your suitcase in the car. Go to a motel for tonight and get some sleep.
If he turns on the charm will you hold up?
Just my thoughts.
Is your son his son? If so an intervention might be planned.
Leave your suitcase in the car. Go to a motel for tonight and get some sleep.
If he turns on the charm will you hold up?
Just my thoughts.
Is your son his son? If so an intervention might be planned.
Recovering Nicely
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
Zoey - thanks. I have already made my list and know exactly what I want to say. His charm doesn't get to me, I am actually a very strong willed person and usually, with the exception of his drinking, call the shots and he knows I mean what I say, except when I threaten to leave him because of his drinking. Most of our relationship, we discuss things, he sees my side, I see his side, it's not like we even argue often. The only thing we argue about (and not so much now since I've been working on myself) is his drinking. Charm or no charm, I know what I need in my life, and I would love to share the rest of my life with him, but unfortunately, if it's hurting me, I have to do what I have to do for ME. And this I truly know now.
And you're right, I already had that thought of leaving the suitcase in the car and going to a motel.
My son is not his biological son, but he has raised him and been the only father figure to him since he was 5, so they are very close.
And you're right, I already had that thought of leaving the suitcase in the car and going to a motel.
My son is not his biological son, but he has raised him and been the only father figure to him since he was 5, so they are very close.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Modesto Ca
Posts: 19
Congratulations
Congratulations on your first day of freedom. I am glad you have found a place to be were you are not being abused and can feel safe. I pray that this turn in you life continues and you are able to enjoy life.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 782
I can only speak for myself when I say that I know for a fact now that I was making excuses for not leaving sooner. Only when I was ready to stop that was I able to. I honestly couldn't see it before. I would never go so far as to say that's what you're doing, but just know that many of us have done it and not even realized.
LGL is right....I got my help in subtle ways. It was just downright amazing how everything started falling into place with having a place to stay for free for a week while I got my head together, and then the apartment, etc. I don't think it was coincidence. However, and this is all in humor, I did get a sign from a billboard once. 
My current employer at the job that enabled me to move out has billboards all over this city, and the day I didn't know what on earth to do, one of the biggest billboards I have ever seen was right in my path.
I too, Queen, used to say that maybe if he hit me, I would be able to take action. In fact, I can recall wishing he would hit me so I'd leave. But deep down, I also wondered if it would really get me to do it. I'm not 100% sure it would have.
(((Queen)))
Originally Posted by LGL
your not going to get an answer queenteree . you are going to get an opportunity . its up to you to see it .. your HP isnt going to show you a billboard with lights that says , 'queenteree , walk this way' .. dont we all wish though !
My current employer at the job that enabled me to move out has billboards all over this city, and the day I didn't know what on earth to do, one of the biggest billboards I have ever seen was right in my path. I too, Queen, used to say that maybe if he hit me, I would be able to take action. In fact, I can recall wishing he would hit me so I'd leave. But deep down, I also wondered if it would really get me to do it. I'm not 100% sure it would have.
(((Queen)))
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
QT - My heart and prayers go out to you in this deperate time. My XAH drank and drove EVERY single day that I knew him....and every single day he may have well driven with our property deeds on the hood of his company truck. I knew one day that his luck would run out. To this day it hasnt yet....but I know it will and I think the good Lord put that hooch in my husbands path because he knew infidelity was the deal breaker for me even tho I fought it hard...I too was trapped by his income and so very afraid of making it on my own without him. But guess what? It's hard but by the grace of God I am making it ok. Yes its difficult at times but I struggled while he was here too....soooo....its really the same after all - the difference is - the liability feature is gone. I have the security of knowing that his heirs wont be paying for a death caused by his drunk driving. There was life before him and there is life after him.....take care of you and yours hunny cuz no one else will. And you wouldn't trust anyone else to do it anyway.
It got so bad here hun that I wouldnt even let him bring beer on the boat because he almost wrecked the boat with all of us in it. Let alone the driving of our vehicles. He trapped me in the car or truck all the time and used this time to complain about the kids and that was his way of making me listen because I would walk away from him when ever he would put our kids down and tell me they were useless.... don't take this abuse too much longer hun. I am afraid that the man upstairs is giving you insight and something may be about to happen and if you dont listen you will have serious regrets....take the hint hunny...take the hint....
It got so bad here hun that I wouldnt even let him bring beer on the boat because he almost wrecked the boat with all of us in it. Let alone the driving of our vehicles. He trapped me in the car or truck all the time and used this time to complain about the kids and that was his way of making me listen because I would walk away from him when ever he would put our kids down and tell me they were useless.... don't take this abuse too much longer hun. I am afraid that the man upstairs is giving you insight and something may be about to happen and if you dont listen you will have serious regrets....take the hint hunny...take the hint....
Recovering Nicely
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
Update on the Plan
Hi All,
On my way home last night, I called a broker for mobile home parks about an hour away from my job. They are in my affordable range and the monthly fee is cheap also. From what I hear, they are nice parks. I have a double wide mobile upstate, so I know about them. Anyway, then I get home. AH is not home yet, but son is there (cause I told him I'd lend him money to get a machine he needs for his business). AH didn't get home till 6:20 (he works 15 mins. away and leaves work at 5 p.m.). As usual, AH was drunk. He told me if I left him that night, I would find him dead in the morning, he was going to shoot himself. I said "yeah, right, with what gun a**hole. Like you can go into a store drunk and they'd sell you a gun" Then he said he would slit his wrists. I told him he loved himself and alcohol too much to ever do that, but if he'd like, I'll go out and buy the razor blades. Anyway, I told him we'd talk in the morning when he was somewhat sober and that he had a choice to make - alcohol or his family. He starts crying like a baby (crockadile tears) saying he can't lose me. Does he think I'm stupid or what????? He was truly crying cause he's thinking "Oh my God!!! I can't lose my drinking!!!!" I'm telling you, he was mourning the fact that he may have to actually stop drinking (he didn't say this, but that's the gut I get. Anyway, he slept upstairs, I had a great nights sleep in my bed, and this morning he gets up at 7 a.m., comes outside (I was having my coffee), tells me he'll be sober later so he can sleep with me. I told him he couldn't have it both ways, that I'm done and told him about the way he was driving and almost car accident with the boys. Before I could finish, he said to me "why didn't you take the keys? Why didn't the boys make me stop and they drive?" I said "No, it's not a matter of why didn't we, it's a matter of why didn't you know better, why didn't you not drink and drive!" The nerve, it's all on us!!!! Then he gives me a kiss on the head and tells me he'll see me later and leaves for work (at 7:15 a.m., has to be in at 9 a.m., works only 15 mins away). Does he think I'm stupid, he had to go have his eyeopeners before work. He just doesn't get it and never will, but at least with my plan in mind (I'm supposed to set up appt. with the lady to see the mobile homes sometime in the next couple of days), want to get in touch with a lawyer (to draw up separation agreement before I buy the mobile home so it's not marital property) and get in touch with a real estate agent to sell the house. That's the plan and I know I could stay at my house knowing there's an end to all this in site. It will just be funny when he does all this thru his drunken haze and the day the movers show up, he'll be like "what's going on???" What an idiot!!!!
On my way home last night, I called a broker for mobile home parks about an hour away from my job. They are in my affordable range and the monthly fee is cheap also. From what I hear, they are nice parks. I have a double wide mobile upstate, so I know about them. Anyway, then I get home. AH is not home yet, but son is there (cause I told him I'd lend him money to get a machine he needs for his business). AH didn't get home till 6:20 (he works 15 mins. away and leaves work at 5 p.m.). As usual, AH was drunk. He told me if I left him that night, I would find him dead in the morning, he was going to shoot himself. I said "yeah, right, with what gun a**hole. Like you can go into a store drunk and they'd sell you a gun" Then he said he would slit his wrists. I told him he loved himself and alcohol too much to ever do that, but if he'd like, I'll go out and buy the razor blades. Anyway, I told him we'd talk in the morning when he was somewhat sober and that he had a choice to make - alcohol or his family. He starts crying like a baby (crockadile tears) saying he can't lose me. Does he think I'm stupid or what????? He was truly crying cause he's thinking "Oh my God!!! I can't lose my drinking!!!!" I'm telling you, he was mourning the fact that he may have to actually stop drinking (he didn't say this, but that's the gut I get. Anyway, he slept upstairs, I had a great nights sleep in my bed, and this morning he gets up at 7 a.m., comes outside (I was having my coffee), tells me he'll be sober later so he can sleep with me. I told him he couldn't have it both ways, that I'm done and told him about the way he was driving and almost car accident with the boys. Before I could finish, he said to me "why didn't you take the keys? Why didn't the boys make me stop and they drive?" I said "No, it's not a matter of why didn't we, it's a matter of why didn't you know better, why didn't you not drink and drive!" The nerve, it's all on us!!!! Then he gives me a kiss on the head and tells me he'll see me later and leaves for work (at 7:15 a.m., has to be in at 9 a.m., works only 15 mins away). Does he think I'm stupid, he had to go have his eyeopeners before work. He just doesn't get it and never will, but at least with my plan in mind (I'm supposed to set up appt. with the lady to see the mobile homes sometime in the next couple of days), want to get in touch with a lawyer (to draw up separation agreement before I buy the mobile home so it's not marital property) and get in touch with a real estate agent to sell the house. That's the plan and I know I could stay at my house knowing there's an end to all this in site. It will just be funny when he does all this thru his drunken haze and the day the movers show up, he'll be like "what's going on???" What an idiot!!!!
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
QT you are sounding just like my wife, you have your caca together!!!!
I read your whole post and obviously just like that guy on that old show "The A Team" used to say "I love it when a plan comes together!".
Well it has come time for him to caca or get off the pot, he sure jumped on the pity pot with the tears and suicide threats, you handled it perfectly!
I read your whole post and obviously just like that guy on that old show "The A Team" used to say "I love it when a plan comes together!".
Well it has come time for him to caca or get off the pot, he sure jumped on the pity pot with the tears and suicide threats, you handled it perfectly!
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