What a Weekend!!!! I'm at my wits end!!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Lost in NC
Posts: 416
First off.............Never ride with him again. Never let anyone ride with him again. Next prepare for a divorce. Get out before he kills someone and takes you down with him. Protect yourself!
Maybe your boys can rig the car so it cannot run. Hell, pour sugar in the tank....screws up the engine, but that is safer and less expensive than a DWI.
Maybe your boys can rig the car so it cannot run. Hell, pour sugar in the tank....screws up the engine, but that is safer and less expensive than a DWI.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Something just doesn't feel right about this whole thing.
Alocholism is a progressive disease, it will never get better unless he stops drinking, who knows next time if shaking the poker at you he decides to take it a bit further?????????????????
I am praying that you will listen to the suttle hints that your HP is giving to you. I have found that my HP guides me a lot, but I have to be willing to listen, even if what he says is not what I want to hear!
Recovering Nicely
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
Now he calls me at work to ask me if I got something today - he sent me flowers!!!! Oh yea!!! That makes it all better. I'm sick to death of getting flowers for every screw up, especially when he knows that it doesn't mean a thing to me. He sounded half lit at work when he called. I am soooo embarassed every time I get flowers at work cause then he office starts saying "Oh, he's in the dog house again" I don't tell them about what's going on, but one thing I know, flowers don't cut it. Now if I'm not all "oh they're beautiful" mushy mushy when I get home and he's drunk off his butt, there will be a big argument. I really gotta leave!!!!! I'm going to break down any minute cause it's never going to stop!!!!
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
I found that the local old folks home were grateful for the "I hope these'll get me off the hook so I can carry on as before" flowers.
And you're right, it won't stop until YOU stop it. Don't play his game - tell him that flowers don't cut it. Then repeat that ad nauseum to every argument he puts forward. My Dad (who is a mangement trainer) told me about the Rule of Eights - people need to hear something 8 times before they really start to hear it. Multiply that by at least 10, and you've got how the rule might apply to drunks.
Remember - an argument takes at least two people. Remove yourself from the equation and he's left fighting himself (which if you understand projection, he's already doing for the most part.) BTDT, sweetie. It's hard to changes the rules of tha game, but ultimately more rewarding than perpetuating the same old nonsense.
And you're right, it won't stop until YOU stop it. Don't play his game - tell him that flowers don't cut it. Then repeat that ad nauseum to every argument he puts forward. My Dad (who is a mangement trainer) told me about the Rule of Eights - people need to hear something 8 times before they really start to hear it. Multiply that by at least 10, and you've got how the rule might apply to drunks.
Remember - an argument takes at least two people. Remove yourself from the equation and he's left fighting himself (which if you understand projection, he's already doing for the most part.) BTDT, sweetie. It's hard to changes the rules of tha game, but ultimately more rewarding than perpetuating the same old nonsense.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
Last week I attended the funeral of an old neighbor who is about my age. He had three sons, all men now like my sons. His boys and my boys went all through school together and played on all the same sports teams in school.
This man married his high school sweetheart and they lived happily ever after. Really, really happy. He went to the store and came home to find her dead on the floor of a heart attack. He was never the same and last week, he wasn't reporting to work or answering his phone. When someone went to check on him, they found him dead on his couch or a heart attack. They say he died of a broken heart. He had a picture of his wife next to him.
I went to the funeral because those boys lost both parents within three years and I've known them all since they were little.
My point is this.
You never never never want your adult sons to face that over some stupid drunk driving accident. Seeing these young men sob and shake with such grief was absolutely gut wrenching.
I realized how easily it could have been my sons standing there.
You can only get into the car with a drunk so many times before something happens that will change life forever or end life.
Your husband knew he was driving a long distance, he knew there would be alot of traffic.
You know when I look at someone so dumb, I don't even see a man, I see a jerk.
Alcoholics drink, I understand that. Drinking when he knew he was going to drive a long distance with his loved ones in the car is dumb. That's what a dummy does. Flowers? That's just insulting.
This man married his high school sweetheart and they lived happily ever after. Really, really happy. He went to the store and came home to find her dead on the floor of a heart attack. He was never the same and last week, he wasn't reporting to work or answering his phone. When someone went to check on him, they found him dead on his couch or a heart attack. They say he died of a broken heart. He had a picture of his wife next to him.
I went to the funeral because those boys lost both parents within three years and I've known them all since they were little.
My point is this.
You never never never want your adult sons to face that over some stupid drunk driving accident. Seeing these young men sob and shake with such grief was absolutely gut wrenching.
I realized how easily it could have been my sons standing there.
You can only get into the car with a drunk so many times before something happens that will change life forever or end life.
Your husband knew he was driving a long distance, he knew there would be alot of traffic.
You know when I look at someone so dumb, I don't even see a man, I see a jerk.
Alcoholics drink, I understand that. Drinking when he knew he was going to drive a long distance with his loved ones in the car is dumb. That's what a dummy does. Flowers? That's just insulting.
Recovering Nicely
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
mallowcup you are absolutely right, alcoholics lack judgment but this one I think takes the cake. And my sons weren't in the car coming home from upstate, they went with him after we got home (they didn't realize he was so drunk, they thought at first he seemed fine). My older son was so upset. He said it's one thing for AH to put his life in danger, but my son said the accident would have been two or three cars hitting the passenger side of the car and he could have been killed. This is the first time I heard my son say everyone used to look up to my AH, but now he's nothing but a pathetic drunk that no one wants to be around. He said that's why he never comes over much, that's why none of my kids come over much. He said AH was a man who had it all, personality, etc., and he's embarassed that he's his father now because he looks like an a** most of the time. I went to a psychic two months ago who told me that someone I was close with was going to have a near miss but it was going to be a big wake up call for them and a real issue. I kept thinking AH was going to almost get into an accident. After this weekend, I'm just so glad my HP was with me and my kids and nothing happened to us.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Milwaukee WI
Posts: 137
uggghhh...I so know how this goes. I too tell myself to leave, but, still I stay, I am hoping to get done with school and get a job, but I don't know, every day I change. If you guys remember a last month my AH went to visit his parents out of state. I the phone off the hook because I really wanted to have a break from him. Well, when I didn't return his calls or answer the phone he turned right around and drove 12 hr right back home, he thought we had left him.
We had a LONG conversation after he got home and I THOUGHT he finally got it...things were so good for the last month, he seemed himself....but today sadly he was DRUNK by 11:15AM....I too find myself wanting out but would like to have a job first....so too a point I do understand what Queentree is saying, but also really see what everyone else is saying. Our youngest is only 8 and I don't let him drive with anyone in the house....it all seems SO ridiculas to stay, what kind of life is this?????????????????????????
We had a LONG conversation after he got home and I THOUGHT he finally got it...things were so good for the last month, he seemed himself....but today sadly he was DRUNK by 11:15AM....I too find myself wanting out but would like to have a job first....so too a point I do understand what Queentree is saying, but also really see what everyone else is saying. Our youngest is only 8 and I don't let him drive with anyone in the house....it all seems SO ridiculas to stay, what kind of life is this?????????????????????????
Let Go Let God
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
is there any chance you can tell him to stay out queenteree ??? instead of you having to leave ? I did that but our kids are young so he may have left easily because he wanted them to stay in the house .... although its hard to believe he would of thought of anyone but himself ! just a thought .
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Originally Posted by queenteree 
If I left him, he'd still have a comfy roof over his head while I stay at a motel or friend's houses, living out of suitcases.
But the big question is - why on earth do you think it should be you doing the leaving? Just because you're the one that leaves the relationship doesn't mean that you should be the one to leave the home.
Please check out the advice of a lawyer - I have a hunch that some of your beliefs about your practicalities are a bit off kilter, along with "knowing" various things about what will make your husband stop drinking. It is useful to have some grounding in facts to be able to make a workable plan for your future.
Becoming a Butterfly
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
If you own a home on LI you must have tons of equity. The market is poor but not dead. Also why couldn't one of you stay in the upstate house?
You know, the only thing that makes him an asset to you is a job that he's only holding on to by a thread. He's going to lose it soon unless he does the Mother of all 180s. You also face the possibility of being buried in medical bills as he gets sicker. Perhaps he won't physically be able to work at some point. And if he gets into an accident or God fobid hurts/kills someone ... the consequences to you are unbelieveable.
I frankly find it incredibly hard to believe that the Nassau PD is uninterested in a drunk driver. I suggest you call the DA's office and report this. If you get no action call Newsday.
I'm not telling you to leave you husband, I'm trying to tell you frankly that your reasons for staying are lame. You're scared - that's fine. Wait until you are ready and don't be pressured into anything by us or anyone else. But see your situation clearly. Your future depends on it
You know, the only thing that makes him an asset to you is a job that he's only holding on to by a thread. He's going to lose it soon unless he does the Mother of all 180s. You also face the possibility of being buried in medical bills as he gets sicker. Perhaps he won't physically be able to work at some point. And if he gets into an accident or God fobid hurts/kills someone ... the consequences to you are unbelieveable.
I frankly find it incredibly hard to believe that the Nassau PD is uninterested in a drunk driver. I suggest you call the DA's office and report this. If you get no action call Newsday.
I'm not telling you to leave you husband, I'm trying to tell you frankly that your reasons for staying are lame. You're scared - that's fine. Wait until you are ready and don't be pressured into anything by us or anyone else. But see your situation clearly. Your future depends on it
Recovering Nicely
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
Thank you all so much for your input and caring and support. It means alot to me at this moment in my life. You all have been there for me many times, and I so do appreciate it.
Denny - I do think maybe it was me with the wake up call, cause tonite I am at my son's house. I packed my suitcase and was ready to leave when I got home cause he was drunk at 6:00 and I wasn't going to go thru it again. He begged me to stay, I told him I wasn't discussing anything with him and that I was leaving. I had every intention of calling a homeless shelter or something cause I couldn't do it anymore, and my son and his girlfriend came there to cover his (son's car) and low and behold, they insisted I come to their house, which is where I am right now. I guess my HP is giving me a little help after all.
LGL - he would NEVER leave our house (especially when drunk) - you know, it's that sense of entitlement. Even years ago, before he got sober, I had to take my three small kids and leave for three weeks.
Minnie - I have consulted a lawyer. I work for lawyers, one of which is very experienced in matrimonal law (she no longer works for us). Everything is 50/50, no matter what and I would not be entitled to any of his PI settlement, just as he would not be entitled to mine (if I had one). As for knowing how to make him stop drinking, one thing I have learned and I do know is only HE can make himself stop drinking, that is what I was trying to tell Taz. My leaving is for ME, not HIM.
Wantsout: I couldn't stay in the upstate house and neither could he, we both have jobs here on LI. And truthfully - I have called the police on him, they tell me they will keep watch for his truck (I give the license plates, make and model, etc.) nothing gets done. I PERSONALLY WENT to the police station, explained how he is drunk at the moment and will be driving home and gave exact route. I think they take it as a revengeful wife. Nothing ever gets done.
I am at my son's and I don't have a plan yet, and I dread tomorrow at work when he either calls or comes there drunk as a skunk and it all starts all over again. I just wish it was over already.
Denny - I do think maybe it was me with the wake up call, cause tonite I am at my son's house. I packed my suitcase and was ready to leave when I got home cause he was drunk at 6:00 and I wasn't going to go thru it again. He begged me to stay, I told him I wasn't discussing anything with him and that I was leaving. I had every intention of calling a homeless shelter or something cause I couldn't do it anymore, and my son and his girlfriend came there to cover his (son's car) and low and behold, they insisted I come to their house, which is where I am right now. I guess my HP is giving me a little help after all.
LGL - he would NEVER leave our house (especially when drunk) - you know, it's that sense of entitlement. Even years ago, before he got sober, I had to take my three small kids and leave for three weeks.
Minnie - I have consulted a lawyer. I work for lawyers, one of which is very experienced in matrimonal law (she no longer works for us). Everything is 50/50, no matter what and I would not be entitled to any of his PI settlement, just as he would not be entitled to mine (if I had one). As for knowing how to make him stop drinking, one thing I have learned and I do know is only HE can make himself stop drinking, that is what I was trying to tell Taz. My leaving is for ME, not HIM.
Wantsout: I couldn't stay in the upstate house and neither could he, we both have jobs here on LI. And truthfully - I have called the police on him, they tell me they will keep watch for his truck (I give the license plates, make and model, etc.) nothing gets done. I PERSONALLY WENT to the police station, explained how he is drunk at the moment and will be driving home and gave exact route. I think they take it as a revengeful wife. Nothing ever gets done.
I am at my son's and I don't have a plan yet, and I dread tomorrow at work when he either calls or comes there drunk as a skunk and it all starts all over again. I just wish it was over already.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Sounds like a plan; at least for tonight...glad your son stepped in. Maybe he has a few ideas of his own that could give you more options. Hope you have a quiet evening and nice visit with your son and his gf.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,351
wow I just got thru reading this 3 page post(((HUG)))--for right now you are at your sons--relax for tonight at least.
You need a Lawyer-a Therapist-a Cell phone
never get in the car with him again-ever
and--HE needs to leave not you--get a lawyer--he will stop playing you then because he will have no choice--they will order him out....
get an order of protection--just a piece of paper-but he will go to jail if he breaks it.
50/50 is not a bad deal---I left with 0....you can make it. You would be amazed at how much you can do without and be much happier.
If you do not get serious about dealing with him asap--he will torture you--and be careful--once you leave the ''big guns' come out.
So glad you have your adult son to help you out!! I am praying for you---take a long hot bath--curl up withh a cuppa tea and a book---distract those thoughts away!!!
You need a Lawyer-a Therapist-a Cell phone
never get in the car with him again-ever
and--HE needs to leave not you--get a lawyer--he will stop playing you then because he will have no choice--they will order him out....
get an order of protection--just a piece of paper-but he will go to jail if he breaks it.
50/50 is not a bad deal---I left with 0....you can make it. You would be amazed at how much you can do without and be much happier.
If you do not get serious about dealing with him asap--he will torture you--and be careful--once you leave the ''big guns' come out.
So glad you have your adult son to help you out!! I am praying for you---take a long hot bath--curl up withh a cuppa tea and a book---distract those thoughts away!!!
Let Go Let God
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
Im happy you are at your sons house too ! I have to tell you I just got home from work after an hour ride and was thinking about this thread .
Keep in mind that I am a firm believer in things happening for a reason and that we are exactly where we are supposed to be .
You said that your ah was sober for 14 yrs right ? now I think your sons are 24 & 26 ???? All that time ago your HP was giving you signs to stick it out and you saw them and you accepted them , you stuck it out and because of you , your children had 14 years of living with a sober father ... and not just any 14 years but very crucial 14 years to young boys just starting their teenage years . That is quite a gift you gave them . Im sure you had your rocky road even during that time but you should be very proud of yourself .
Now that the kids are grown and on their own maybe your HP is telling you that your job there is done , now its time for you to go and live a life that you deserve to live for YOU . Maybe what your kids need to learn now is that its never too late to take care of yourself (by the way , 46 is soooo young !) Maybe they will continue to learn valuable lessons from their mom, how she doesnt compromise herself for anyone . And maybe they will witness less of his outbursts if they dont see as much of him while seeing lots of you .
I hope you have/had a great nights sleep and wake up with a clear head tomorrow . You do whatever you feel is right for you at the moment and know that you are being thought of fondly and prayed for . (from one mother to another)
((((()))))s
Keep in mind that I am a firm believer in things happening for a reason and that we are exactly where we are supposed to be .
You said that your ah was sober for 14 yrs right ? now I think your sons are 24 & 26 ???? All that time ago your HP was giving you signs to stick it out and you saw them and you accepted them , you stuck it out and because of you , your children had 14 years of living with a sober father ... and not just any 14 years but very crucial 14 years to young boys just starting their teenage years . That is quite a gift you gave them . Im sure you had your rocky road even during that time but you should be very proud of yourself .
Now that the kids are grown and on their own maybe your HP is telling you that your job there is done , now its time for you to go and live a life that you deserve to live for YOU . Maybe what your kids need to learn now is that its never too late to take care of yourself (by the way , 46 is soooo young !) Maybe they will continue to learn valuable lessons from their mom, how she doesnt compromise herself for anyone . And maybe they will witness less of his outbursts if they dont see as much of him while seeing lots of you .
I hope you have/had a great nights sleep and wake up with a clear head tomorrow . You do whatever you feel is right for you at the moment and know that you are being thought of fondly and prayed for . (from one mother to another)
((((()))))s
Recovering Nicely
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
I was talking to my son and his girlfriend, and they figured out a budget for me to buy a co-op where they live and they think I could make it on my own. It's a matter of living somewhere while I sell my house and buy this co-op (which they said I am totally welcome to staying with them as long as I need). Then I was talking to the friend that I stayed with the last time I left AH (many, many years ago) and she even said she thinks I'm ready, it's a matter of staying where I feel comfortable (because I tend to go home to AH after a night cause I don't want to impose and with her at that time in my life I didn't feel like I was an imposition). AH is expecting me to go home tomorrow, and you know what, I don't want to. I keep thinking that I know I can't stop him from drinking, that it is never going to change, and I can't keep going on like I have been (getting help for my co-dependency issues and alcoholic parent issues) I put all the emphasis on me getting help - did he at all? It isn't all me, but I'm glad I got the help I needed, I wanted to be better and not smoke 2 packs of cigs per day. I have to keep the emphasis on ME. What's acceptable to me. What I want in life, and it certainly isn't this because I wouldn't have left him in the first place all those years ago. And getting back to my friend who I stayed with many years ago, she has known me for many years, and not to get off topic here but she brought up an interesting point, my first husband was very physically abusive, and when I would leave him, I would go to my parent's house (father was an alcoholic) and I'd stay there a few days then go home cause it was better than staying there. This is the pattern I have now, except I go to my kids' houses, and then I feel I'm intruding so I go back home to the crap I always put up with rather than impose. She offered me to stay at her house, but she is in a totally different place in her life right now, so that is not an option either. She told me be strong and keep up the good work. I hope I have enough strength cause as of now, I am thinking if he ever asked me back (which I highly doubt) I would tell him that he needs to go to detox and rehab then live with his mother (who is totally against drinking) for at least 6 mos., then maybe we'll have a chance. Please pray for me that I may find that strength. Thanks all.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Good stuff, QT.
BTW, if people offer help, it's because they want to help. That's what "normal" people do, even if it puts them out for a time. A chance for a breather and an opportunity to regroup is such a gift.
BTW, if people offer help, it's because they want to help. That's what "normal" people do, even if it puts them out for a time. A chance for a breather and an opportunity to regroup is such a gift.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
