queenteree

Elizabeth, I have tried very hard over the past year to work hard on myself and do things for me and take care of me. Even when AH sobers up (he is a binge drinker), I know it isn't for long. I live in the reality of it all, it's just sometimes it really gets to me. And in all the years of us being together, I have NEVER seen him drink and drive the way he did and that thing with the poker and him getting angry isn't him either. So it took me by surprise. I'm just really at my breaking point right now. To leave him, I'd have to work two jobs just to survive, I'd be afraid of what may happen at my house (him destroy everything or sell the house somehow from under me - like accept a really low offer when he's in a drunken stupor without me knowing it). He is so far gone in his alcoholism right now, it seems like the last stages of it (but I really can't get a definitive answer on what the last stages are like), his bottom has to be close (he has been spiraling downhill for quite a while), yet the bottom seems no where in sight. I have prayed for strength, I have prayed that something gives (so that 1) me and my family can finally have some peace and 2) to save some innocent family on the road, and I know by me leaving isn't going to acheive any of that. Trust me, if there was a way, I ABSOLUTELY KNOW I would leave right now, but there isn't short of me and my kids (who live out of the house) suffering and some other family possibly suffering. Now I know since he is on this bender, I worry he will come to my job drunk, call my job drunk - I get so embarassed on that. I know it's a reflection of him, not me, but it still takes a toll, as you all know. He would do that whether I am with him or left him. It is not my intention to save him, really it isn't, it's to save me and I just don't see a way. Thank you all for listening, as I am sitting here crying right now and just don't know how much longer I can handle it. In a way, and God forgive me for saying it, I was hoping to last with him a few more years and then it could possibly be over, I mean a body can only take so much abuse of alcohol, right?
By the way, his benders last three to four weeks, and each time he detoxes after them, the next one is worse. He just started drinking again this past Friday after a week and a half sober. Now I'm in for another month. I think I'm having a pity party or something. And if my HP is saying something to me right now, can anyone please point it out to me because maybe I'm just missing it.
Denny - he has alcoholic liver disease (severe micro and macrovesicular fat and fibrosis, but not cirrhosis) and his liver dr. downplays his drinking telling him he could drink once in a while (that's right, a dr. tells an "alcoholic", diagnosed by him with "alcoholic" liver disease that he could drink once in a while!) and the dr. won't answer my questions on how serious his liver disease is cause I'm "not the patient."

mallowcup

I hate it when the motivating factor is a funeral. There's a burning ban in upstate NY. So I'm suprised that the game warden or forest ranger didn't stop by the burning pit. Some folks up for the week end burned down 15 acres. Are you refering to the Garden State Parkway? Not a place to be drinking and driving, lots of families traveling now with the nice weather.
I really like ICUs post on this. Be no part of it.

LGLG07

queenteree .. my heart goes out to you , it really does ..
i will be praying for you and your boys and your ah .
(())s

BigSis

(((Queentree)))) I do understand where you are coming from. I stayed in a physically abusive relationship out of fear of losing my house.

I have discovered in Alanon, that I have a big fear of financial failure. I crave security more than I EVER imagined. I really had no idea how many times "safety" has locked me into situations that are really very UNsafe! (a dangerous marriage, an emotionally abusive job, terrible friendships). My FEAR drove my decisions.

Intellectually, I know that is not good for me... emotionally, I really had no idea how to let go.

This last marriage (I've married the same man twice), I again had a house (a new one that I got while we were divorced). After a few years, our relationship was (again) on some rocky ground. What I DISCOVERED was this - after having finally gotten away from him before, and not losing the house in the process... suddenly, I DIDN'T CARE about losing the house the second time.

Emotionally, I 'learned' that I could survive.

The difference was amazing. I could make decisions based on logic, without the gut-wrenching fear that immobilized me before. Just my WILLINGNESS to walk away from everything with a confidence that I KNEW I could earn it back... was communicated in my conversations with my husband. Things changed FAR FASTER this time than during our previous marriage.

What I know is that addiction/alcoholism is progressive. What you have today is better than what you will likely have in one year or in five years.

What you might want to consider is how much of this continued chaos is good for you and for your children, and what price is really being paid. My HP was also trying desperately to get my attention back in those crazy days... I just kept insisiting He wasn't listening because I was not getting the answer I wanted.

I just wanted my husband to disappear... to die, perhaps. That would have been easy. HP wouldn't do it.

Today, I can see His plan was better than mine.


((((Prayers))))) for you ... for clarity, wisdom and comfort.

denny57

QT, I can't speak for the doctor, but based on my own situation, I would hazard a guess he's seen plenty of patients like your husband and "knows" he won't stop. I remember a conversation with our doctor when I casually said something about AH choosing sobriety and his response was "that's highly unlikely." Though I do believe in never losing hope, I also trust our doctor and I believe he made that statement based on years of dealing with alcoholics.

As for the HP question, I can only speak for me. My life with AH was a marriage and a business (we own 2). My job was to raise money for the businesses, which I did well. His work brought actual cash into the house. By the end, my thinking was so sick that I truly believed I would not be able to make it on my own, at my age. I know I stayed at least 4-5 years because of that. I admit that now; at the time I came up with plenty of plausible reasons.

I'm not advocating staying or leaving. I do want to share that my worse fear, inability to make it on my own, has not come true. In a couple months it will be 2 years since AH left the house and I am doing fine. I honestly don't know how, but I am.

I can't remember - have you talked with an attorney about protecting your assets in case any of the worse case scenarios happen?

((()))

queenteree

mallowcup - no it was cross island parkway in I believe Queens but he was also driving terrible along Pallisades parkway. Didn't know about the fire ban.

LGLG07- thanks for your prayers, every little bit helps.

BigSis - you're right, I probably do have a fear of financial failure (I also at 46 do not want to work two full time jobs to support myself). And I shouldn't have that fear. My first husband was abusive (punched me in the stomach when I was 5 mos pregnant). We divorced and I have had much more happiness than I would have had I stayed with him (but I was only 24 at the time with nothing to lose). I have several great friends, really good job. The only unhappiness in my life is with AH. And thank you too for your prayers.

BTW, how could I get an answer from my HP, whatever that answer is? I dont' seem to be getting any answer!!!

LGLG07

your not going to get an answer queenteree . you are going to get an opportunity . its up to you to see it .. your HP isnt going to show you a billboard with lights that says , 'queenteree , walk this way' .. dont we all wish though !
i truly think this outrageous behavior that your ah showed this weekend was your sign , it just kept going from bad to worse .. he was doing things that your HP knows you would never deal with . He may be telling you its time to save yourself . Houses come and go .. theres only one you . We have this great gift of Freewill . We can make our own decisions in our life , your HP will not make the decision for you , He will only show you the road . Its up to you

again , more Prayers and (())s

Pick-a-name

How fortunate that it was his work truck so that they have to be involved and hold his feet to the fire....maybe this is the bottom for him. I pray it is. I am also glad this means you are not in this alone..that the work gets to call a lot of the shots!

Rella927

((((Queentree))))
What you are going through also brought back memories with the car situation-as I hit the dashboard many unwanted times-and I also made him pull over (made up a story that I had to pee =)..) and would walk home and or call a taxi to get there! This was done about 3 times or so and stopped when I took the keys-and my own car! It was exactly as stated above it was his power trip-he knew as long as he was behind the wheel with me in the car that was the ONLY time he had complete control of me and any situation. Or so he thought-

After he was kicked out and was in recovery-(before he relapsed and started stalking me like he is now) when I would meet him for coffee or whatever I would go meet him in a public place and he begged to get me in his car to go for a ride-or sit in there to talk. NOT on your life!

I'am sorry you are going through this as it is horrific pain.

IMHO I would try to talk to a lawyer and find out options-

You stated that you are worried of him killing someone while he is drunk driving-and that you are afraid of loosing everything in another breathe.

My XAB has a 4 year child-due to his 4 DUI's in less than a year (lucky he did not kill anyone or himself) that he is now facing odd's of not seeing him because he will be doing jail time. He also will be taking responsibility for the 4 times he was arrested for harrasing me. And the fines I cannot even mention to you what they are!!

Lets see.....waiting for him to possibly kill someone and or face DUI and the fines-I think your life would pretty much be starting over without him working but rather facing a bigger mess than you would by just talking to someone and finding out what your options are now.
Are you happy in the current situation?
How fed up are you?
How much more pain are willing to stay in?

I lost my home due to different circumstances-i.e. the death of my husband (not an A) and I lost everything and when I tell you everything-his father screwed me for over 300,000.00 for not having insurance-that we lent him money to pay the bill-and I lost my home-my home that I loved-I thought I would never be able to pick up my life and start over-it took time but I did- and with the XAB it was my home and he was going to deal with my boundaries or he was out! He obvouisly did not want to listen-

Please take care of YOU and the boys- strength and prayers

Rella927

DITTO

Pick-a-name

Perhaps if he does come to your job drunk (sounds like he has in the past) someone will call security or the police. (you might ask them now that should that happen, you would appreciate that they DID call; they might be thinking they are doing you a favor by not calling,when this could really be helpful.) That is what would happen if a stranger came into your office ranting and raving and causing a commotion. Just a thought.

I am sorry this is happening. It is so unnerving when they act so uncharacterisically...at least to me it is. I feel like a deer in the headlights sometine.

queenteree

LG, You know I was kind of thinking the same thing last night. I thought, wow, this really is getting bad, what if he hits me (not that he would, but now you never know). Then I was thinking - if he hit me, I'd definitely leave, there's no way I would put up with that, then I thought "or would I? I've put up with so much of this crap that I thought I never would already" Then I thought that would really be pathetic of me if I did stay after being hit, how little must I think of myself then. Then I thought, well what's it going to take, me being hit (and possibly severely hurt or worse) for me to leave. Why would it take that, and not now, when he's already done so much (putting my life and my son's lives in danger). I truly did think that and for some reason, my gut is telling me that he may get violent next - and I never thought of that with him before. I sure don't want that to be my bottom. Something just doesn't feel right about this whole thing.

Highlander99

Queenteree get out, get out NOW. This man is going to kill himself you and any one who gets in his path. My wife, an alcholic, just left me and we were married for 22 years. She started drinking over 4 years ago and just stopped two months ago after joining A.A. I hung in their hopping she would see the light and when she did she split. This guy does not care about you or his own life. Money and things mean nothing when you are dead, do not let this man drive you any where any more. If you are going any where either you drive or you do not get in the car. If this guy hits you call the cops, he is not going to change it will get worse before it gets better and even if he does sober up your chances of having any kind of a good ending to this are slim to nothing. I just got burnned badly so I am bitter and hurt I thought about leaving but I did not do it because she swore she would never leave me and today I am meeting with another lawyer. Don't wait for him to kill you or some one else get out of this NOW. I wish I had some comforting words but I don't and I am sorry for that but I am really concerned about anyone getting killed or hurt by a drunk especially one who is dumb enough to drive.

denny57

I had to learn to not expect sanity from someone who is technically insane. The old rules do not apply. Hoping some outside force may take care of the situation for me could lead to far worse circumstances than if I take the reins myself.

Take care, QT. ((()))

LGLG07

i hear ya , i really do ... when we hear storys of woman being battered and everyone says the same thing , she should just leave? , why is she staying? , thats crazy .
sometimes things are much clearer when you are outside the box . you have to try to remove yourself from your own situation . pretend you are hearing it from a best friend . what advice would you give her ??

we know first hand what its like to be right smack in the middle of the box with a bunch of packing popcorn suffocating us almost to death ... and yet the decision to leave is still a hard one . go figure

FormerDoormat

As an outsider looking in, the way I see things is this:

I see TWO people living in denial, making excuses for their lack of action, and refusing to change: you AND your alcoholic husband. Here's a rundown of your latest excuses:

- He will never stop, even if I left him and all my kids wanted nothing to do with him he is too far gone, and I know for a fact leaving would not get him to stop

- It would make me struggle financially

- I could not afford to live on my own

- I'd lose alot of what I have and God knows what else

- At this stage in my life, I'd be starting from scratch and I don't know if I have it in me

- I'm depressed cause I feel like my higher power has deserted me

- I keep saying I know God has a plan for me, and I keep waiting for a sign or something to give, and nothing does

- I guess nothing changes if nothing changes. So nothing's going to change. Oh well ....

That's a whole lot of excuses of why YOU can't possibly make a change. If this is the life you choose for yourself, that's fine. But isn't it time to either accept the fact that you're consciously making a choice to live like this and make the best of it or finally do something about it?

I don't mean to sound harsh, but Queentree it takes two to tango and only one to change. I hope you find some peace soon.

queenteree

FormerDormat, I do thank you for your reply and your honesty, but I don't think I'm in denial about anything. I know he's an alcoholic and I have made great strides in trying to overcome my co-dependency. I am not afraid to leave and I am not making excuses for not leaving, I am trying to be realistic about it. I have a sister who was married to the same person twice, and she recently threw him out. She is struggling beyond belief, working 70 hours a week to make ends meet and losing her mind. I don't want that to be me. I thought I could handle it, at least a few more years, till my house is paid, he gets his settlement (if he does get one - 1/2 mine, but not if I left) and it never was this bad until now. Now I am faced with a different dilemma, either staying and putting up with worse behavior and only probably going to get worse or leaving and struggling at 46 years old. I did leave him once before - many years ago when I was a struggling single mom that depended on him for my rent getting paid. But I survived and he got sober and was sober for over 14 years. So I have been on my own. But at the time, I was 29, only had an apartment, no car payment, no co-mingled funds, etc. It was alot easier. I don't want to lose all I have now, yet I don't want to lose my sanity and don't want to live like this either. Besides, even if I left him, I have no where to go for now. It's a big decision for me, something that cannot be made lightly and without a plan. I guess I'm a little upset cause it wasn't part of my original plan and things maybe didn't go the way I planned them to. And I'm a little disappointed in myself because I thought I had it all under control and then was thrown a curve ball that I wasn't prepared for. And I guess I'm a little upset cause things seem to always go good for him and not for me. Alcoholics have it easy sometimes, they just keep drinking and nothing bothers them while I have to start my life all over again if I leave. He'd be happy living in a box as long as he had his beer.

minnie

Loads of good advice already so I won't post at length.

My suggestions?

First thing tomorrow:-

1. Make an appointment with an attorney

2. Make an appointment with a therapist.

And don't ever get in a car that he is driving again. And tell him why (provided he is not the violent sort.) Oh, and if you want to pursue the cop angle, I would think that a conversation along the lines of "I am going to keep a record of every time I report to you that he is out on the road drunk and if you don't do anything and someone gets killed, I will go straight to the papers" might get you somewhere. This is not to get him to stop drinking. It's to stop him DRIVING.

I am curious why you think that you think you shouldn't have to work as hard as it takes to support yourself. 46 is not old by any stretch of the imagination and your kids are out of the house, I think you said. Better to work two jobs than to put up with this situation whilst you wait for your husband to die, no? (I am reading between the lines correctly, aren't I?)

denny57

46 is YOUNG, YOUNG, YOUNG. I suspect that's not the real reason in any event. I got used to my lifestyle with AH, too.

I never recognize denial when I'm in it, that's the nature of denial. I have a very dear friend who when I said "I'm not in denial," she simply replied, "yes, you are." She never said another word and a YEAR later I found myself in Al-Anon. I was talking with her recently and said "you were right, I was in denial." She gave me a hug.

prodigal

FD, thanks for hitting the nail on the head. Minnie, I appreciate your succinct, on-target response. Queentree, you sure aren't gonna like one bit what I have to post, but it's this: "I fear the lady doth protest too much." You are not ancient, you HAVE been abused by several A's in your life, and like BigSis said, you are chained down to this man by your OWN fears and "what if's."

So you're gonna wait it out; fine. Wait it out. Maybe he'll live another 20 years before he konks out. I used to sit here waiting for my AH to drown in our swimming pool or flip his truck over while driving drunk. I finally realized I wasn't going to waste MY life waiting for the shovels of dirt to be thrown over his casket.

While you're waiting, I'd suggest you at give Al-Anon a try. It may not change your mind about going or staying, but it will make the wait more serene for you. And it sounds as if you need some peace and calm in your life.