First time here
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Perpetual, Denial
Posts: 6
First time here
Hi. I am a 46-year old wife of an alcoholic. Married almost 25 years. Nothing new with drinking... been battling the bottle for as long as I've known him (child of an alcoholic), with varying degrees of success. There have been times he's even quit drinking altogether ... but sooner or later he always goes back to it. With rules. "Only after 5" and "not during the day" and "only beer".
For some incredibly stupid reason (money being a big one), we acted on a life-long dream to own our own business ... and its a restaurant/bar. Have had it for almost 8 years now. Talk about easy access, an accepting environment to over-drink, etc.
It was easier to deny the problems when my daughters were younger. Now they are 16 and 17, and although we don't actually acknowledge when daddy is drunk, they know it. And he's hurt them (verbally, never has been physical) on a few occassions. Which of course he is appalled at later (but not enough to swear off it). Will not do AA. When this is suggested I get to hear about all the things I could do to improve myself (usually lose weight ...which is finally losing popularity as his excuse because I have lost weight and am looking pretty good).
We went to a counselor last summer because I was ready to leave. Oh another factor in all this is that the business is doing POORLY. We are barely making any money at all off of it -- but he won't consider selling it. Give up running his own bar and go back to work? No. His strategy is to wait it out. I'm tired of waiting.
Anyhow, when we went to the counselor I said my biggest problem was with his drinking (and subsequent anger problems). He is just plain a mean drunk. Again, never physical abuse, but he knows how to push every emotional button. My husband told the counselor he drank because he was starved and denied sex. He acknowledge that he needed to curb the drinking and work on handling anger/frustration. And honestly, he did pretty good for a long time. No drinking during the day (which believe it or not, actually works for us). He got alot better at managing his anger/frustration. I was supposed to "work" on thinking of sex as more desirable. I should insert here that I went through treatment for breast cancer almost five years ago, had a masectomy, and my ovaries removed as part of strategy to remove estrogen from my body (which fuels the breast cancer, and sex drive as well). So, no surprise that my sex drive is low. Add to that anger/frustration with husband, and yeah, we weren't having alot of sex. So I did try to do my part. Had sex more often. Worked for a while, but ... now that we are getting back into summer months, he's back to hanging with friends outside, and drinking. Came home last Saturday around 6, drunk, when he's supposed to be running the restaurant. Of course he would say he wasn't drunk ...just had a few.
I am so tired of this game. On Sunday (when he was sober again) I told him "I'm not going to go through another summer like last year", and called him on drinking too much again. I've been seeing his drinking behavior regress lately, but I hate to be his Mommy and always watching this. It is his problem and not mine. But when it goes far enough to affect me, it ends up being my problem again. Anyhow, when I brought it up, he said he'd go back to doing his "part of the deal" if I would (meaning sex). I was incredulous. Told him one had nothing to do with the other, that he KNOWS he committed to not drinking during the day, etc.
So, since then we've been going back and forth ... he hasn't been drinking, but he's not giving in either. Keeps saying "I'll do my part if you do yours". I told him he might catch more bees with honey. Needless to say, I'm still pissed at him for breaking his committment, and I don't feel like having sex to "do my part".
Is this typical alcoholic behavior? How do I deal with this? This situation feels so helpless. I really can't afford to support my daughters and myself on our own (right now), and even if I left him, with business as bad as it's been, he wouldn't have any income to pay child support at all. So I have to be ready to do it all if I leave. So I stay here with him ... and his damn bar.
And I really do wonder how damaging it is for my daughters to see Mom putting up with all this **** from Dad. I sure hope they don't follow my example.
For some incredibly stupid reason (money being a big one), we acted on a life-long dream to own our own business ... and its a restaurant/bar. Have had it for almost 8 years now. Talk about easy access, an accepting environment to over-drink, etc.
It was easier to deny the problems when my daughters were younger. Now they are 16 and 17, and although we don't actually acknowledge when daddy is drunk, they know it. And he's hurt them (verbally, never has been physical) on a few occassions. Which of course he is appalled at later (but not enough to swear off it). Will not do AA. When this is suggested I get to hear about all the things I could do to improve myself (usually lose weight ...which is finally losing popularity as his excuse because I have lost weight and am looking pretty good).
We went to a counselor last summer because I was ready to leave. Oh another factor in all this is that the business is doing POORLY. We are barely making any money at all off of it -- but he won't consider selling it. Give up running his own bar and go back to work? No. His strategy is to wait it out. I'm tired of waiting.
Anyhow, when we went to the counselor I said my biggest problem was with his drinking (and subsequent anger problems). He is just plain a mean drunk. Again, never physical abuse, but he knows how to push every emotional button. My husband told the counselor he drank because he was starved and denied sex. He acknowledge that he needed to curb the drinking and work on handling anger/frustration. And honestly, he did pretty good for a long time. No drinking during the day (which believe it or not, actually works for us). He got alot better at managing his anger/frustration. I was supposed to "work" on thinking of sex as more desirable. I should insert here that I went through treatment for breast cancer almost five years ago, had a masectomy, and my ovaries removed as part of strategy to remove estrogen from my body (which fuels the breast cancer, and sex drive as well). So, no surprise that my sex drive is low. Add to that anger/frustration with husband, and yeah, we weren't having alot of sex. So I did try to do my part. Had sex more often. Worked for a while, but ... now that we are getting back into summer months, he's back to hanging with friends outside, and drinking. Came home last Saturday around 6, drunk, when he's supposed to be running the restaurant. Of course he would say he wasn't drunk ...just had a few.
I am so tired of this game. On Sunday (when he was sober again) I told him "I'm not going to go through another summer like last year", and called him on drinking too much again. I've been seeing his drinking behavior regress lately, but I hate to be his Mommy and always watching this. It is his problem and not mine. But when it goes far enough to affect me, it ends up being my problem again. Anyhow, when I brought it up, he said he'd go back to doing his "part of the deal" if I would (meaning sex). I was incredulous. Told him one had nothing to do with the other, that he KNOWS he committed to not drinking during the day, etc.
So, since then we've been going back and forth ... he hasn't been drinking, but he's not giving in either. Keeps saying "I'll do my part if you do yours". I told him he might catch more bees with honey. Needless to say, I'm still pissed at him for breaking his committment, and I don't feel like having sex to "do my part".
Is this typical alcoholic behavior? How do I deal with this? This situation feels so helpless. I really can't afford to support my daughters and myself on our own (right now), and even if I left him, with business as bad as it's been, he wouldn't have any income to pay child support at all. So I have to be ready to do it all if I leave. So I stay here with him ... and his damn bar.
And I really do wonder how damaging it is for my daughters to see Mom putting up with all this **** from Dad. I sure hope they don't follow my example.
Becoming a Butterfly
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
No, this isn't typical alcoholic behavior. Examples of alcoholic behavior are hiding bottles, sneaking drinks, etc. He's just being a douche 
From here it looks like he knows you aren't serious about taking recourse against him and he's just trying to get in your pants more. He should be ashamed.
As for you - check out Alanon and start thinking about where and what you'd like to be in five years. What can you do now to get there?
From here it looks like he knows you aren't serious about taking recourse against him and he's just trying to get in your pants more. He should be ashamed.
As for you - check out Alanon and start thinking about where and what you'd like to be in five years. What can you do now to get there?
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Hi VVV and welcome!
Im glad you found us
I have to tell you, I like your view on things. You seem to have a good understanding of the situation for what it is.
As for him saying this..
Sounds very manipulative and something I have heard in the past.
As well as the maybe I should lose weight, I heard that he wouldnt drink so much if I didnt nag so much..you know, its excuses...the good news is you arent buying what he's selling. You see it for what it is.
Yes, in my opinion. Very typical in my experiences. Self serving, manipulative, and feels entitled to drink bc he's not getting his way!
I didnt really feel in the mood so much either and was not about to have mercy sex with anyone, so that didnt work with me so much either.
Even if you didnt have an estrogen shortage, a sane person could see how you wouldnt feel like he was on your list of things to do. With the medical history, geez.
Hope you stick around and get some support here
Im glad you found us
I have to tell you, I like your view on things. You seem to have a good understanding of the situation for what it is.
As for him saying this..
I'll do my part if you do yours"
As well as the maybe I should lose weight, I heard that he wouldnt drink so much if I didnt nag so much..you know, its excuses...the good news is you arent buying what he's selling. You see it for what it is.
Is this typical alcoholic behavior?
I didnt really feel in the mood so much either and was not about to have mercy sex with anyone, so that didnt work with me so much either.
Even if you didnt have an estrogen shortage, a sane person could see how you wouldnt feel like he was on your list of things to do. With the medical history, geez.
Hope you stick around and get some support here
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Originally Posted by VVV 
Is this typical alcoholic behavior?
Sounds EXACTLY like the behavior of my recent exAH! He doesn't own a bar but he did start and run his own business for about the last 20yrs (he just sold it and now works for them and has evidently already had a talk or two about his "behavior" from what I have heard thru the grapevine ...not drunkiness). The progression and escalation of the meaness and home-life "interruptions" are similar,too. Mine was mad at me for spending too much time with our son who ended up with heart surgery and complications from it....I wasn't giving him enough attention or having "coctail parties"! haha He has avoided those like the plague the entire 27yrs we were married.
Glad you are here. Sounds very familiar to me...all you say. My exAh divorced me so he could go out and "have fun" and drink; said he has never stopped drinking (after he moved out) and never would! and this to our daughter!!!! (She is now 19y) sad.... Our kids our not only upset by all the family stuff, they are afraid that they might run into him when they are out for an evening with friends.....UGH
Stick around This place is a life-saver to me!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Hi,
I have nothing to add to what was already shared, but just wanted to say 'hello' and that I'm glad you are coming here and sharing with us.
cmc
ps,
Please take a look at all the info listed in the sticky threads at the top of the page.
I have nothing to add to what was already shared, but just wanted to say 'hello' and that I'm glad you are coming here and sharing with us.
cmc
ps,
Please take a look at all the info listed in the sticky threads at the top of the page.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Welcome to SR..... we are glad that you found us and thank you for sharing.
Im sorry I had to chuckle when I was reading your post.... My ex-AH was just like that... unfortunally as his disease progressed the abuse did not stay verbal and he decided it was my "duty" as his wife to put out. I can remember all the fights about that and all the excuses.. ... I feel for you sweetie.
Stick around and read all you can, I would also suggest Al-anon and you might even want to suggest your daughters get some help ... Al-teen could not hurt... see Im also a daughter of an Alcoholic and unfortunally being human we usually continue what is a "known" for us.
I look forward to getting to know you better...
Im sorry I had to chuckle when I was reading your post.... My ex-AH was just like that... unfortunally as his disease progressed the abuse did not stay verbal and he decided it was my "duty" as his wife to put out. I can remember all the fights about that and all the excuses.. ... I feel for you sweetie.
Stick around and read all you can, I would also suggest Al-anon and you might even want to suggest your daughters get some help ... Al-teen could not hurt... see Im also a daughter of an Alcoholic and unfortunally being human we usually continue what is a "known" for us.
I look forward to getting to know you better...
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Hi there, VVV, and welcome.
Interestingly, the whole sex issue was brought up by my ex whenever I tried to tackle him about his drinking. In fact, I introduced my ex to this site back in the beginning and his very first post was about the fact I wouldn't sleep with him very often - he was trying to get a load of responses backing him up so that he could wave them in my face. Like that would make me change my mind - he was already metaphorically shafting me enough........
I have to say that there is so much about your husband's attitude that makes me shudder. If I have ever read about someone who just doesn't "get it" - he really takes the biscuit. Curing a drinking problem is not as simple as making a bargain with someone - if it were, there would be no problem drinkers. And if sex would cure it? I think we'd have heard about that by now.
Have you thought about getting some counselling on your own? I know it helped me enormously, as did al-anon.
It's funny you sould post this today. I was thinking earlier that I still have some issues about the way my ex treated me sexually and was considering starting a thread on that topic.
Interestingly, the whole sex issue was brought up by my ex whenever I tried to tackle him about his drinking. In fact, I introduced my ex to this site back in the beginning and his very first post was about the fact I wouldn't sleep with him very often - he was trying to get a load of responses backing him up so that he could wave them in my face. Like that would make me change my mind - he was already metaphorically shafting me enough........
I have to say that there is so much about your husband's attitude that makes me shudder. If I have ever read about someone who just doesn't "get it" - he really takes the biscuit. Curing a drinking problem is not as simple as making a bargain with someone - if it were, there would be no problem drinkers. And if sex would cure it? I think we'd have heard about that by now.
Have you thought about getting some counselling on your own? I know it helped me enormously, as did al-anon.
It's funny you sould post this today. I was thinking earlier that I still have some issues about the way my ex treated me sexually and was considering starting a thread on that topic.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Perpetual, Denial
Posts: 6
Wow! Thanks to everyone for your responses!
I think I like it here!
Seriously, I have visited a message board for women with breast cancer, and have found it so wonderful that while mulling this problem over it occurred to me that there might be a place where I could share my frustration with the hubby. Looks like I found it!
Your responses make me wonder, though, which came first ... the alcoholic or the *******??
Again, seriously, don't you wonder sometimes? I know I have. I mean, maybe I'm blaming the booze too much? Maybe this is just a bad egg to begin with.
Which is really depressing. I hate to think I spent 25 years of my life with an ass. But maybe that is why I want to believe it's the alcoholic in him ... so I don't have to admit I screwed up long ago??
Maybe it is time to see a counselor again. I did see one last year for a while ... when I was thinking of leaving him ... and came to the conclusion, with the help of the counselor, that IF I COULD I'd prefer to stay married. And so we did the therapy together (with a new counselor). I was actually surprised he went, but he did. And it got us through the immediate crisis ... but maybe that band-aid just wasn't enough.
Al-anon ... we live in a pretty small community, and I cringe at the thought of seeing someone I know there (and I probably would, being owner of the local tav). My husband would definately think me being there would be "bad for business", which we can hardly afford. Maybe I should go to one in another city??
It is interesting to hear how many of you also get the sexual pressure. But I do agree that he is manipulative. I can see this in the way he manages our employees ... we always disagree on how to handle problems with employees. He's into head games, I'm into straight-forward honest communication.
And Wants Out ... who said"No, this isn't typical alcoholic behavior. Examples of alcoholic behavior are hiding bottles, sneaking drinks, etc. He's just being a douche". HA! I loved that!!
Lastly, I am sure my battle with cancer has more influence on our relationship than either of us appreciates. I know I live daily with the fear that the cancer could come back, and my life cut short ... so I feel alot of pressure to make every day count as much as it can. AND to put things right in case I do go before I should ... meaning setting the house in good financial order (which we are not), and making sure my daughters have SOMEONE to parent them. THANK GOD my older daughters are closing in on adulthood ... but I also have a 9-year old to worry about. As for hubby, he really was wonderful during my treatment and did everything he could. But now that I am "cured" (which is unproven, it's more a matter of faith), he acts as if it's all history. And there's alot to be said for that ... why ask for problems, what will be will be, etc. So he lives on like some kind of rock star. Is this his denial?
I should add something here ... I have no doubt that he loves me. That I mean more to him than anything. If I ever did actually walk, I have no doubt he'd do anything I ask.
But dammit, do I have to pack up the kids to get this??
Thank you to all of you for your supporting thoughts and words. Good not to feel alone in this.
Seriously, I have visited a message board for women with breast cancer, and have found it so wonderful that while mulling this problem over it occurred to me that there might be a place where I could share my frustration with the hubby. Looks like I found it!
Your responses make me wonder, though, which came first ... the alcoholic or the *******??
Again, seriously, don't you wonder sometimes? I know I have. I mean, maybe I'm blaming the booze too much? Maybe this is just a bad egg to begin with.
Which is really depressing. I hate to think I spent 25 years of my life with an ass. But maybe that is why I want to believe it's the alcoholic in him ... so I don't have to admit I screwed up long ago??
Maybe it is time to see a counselor again. I did see one last year for a while ... when I was thinking of leaving him ... and came to the conclusion, with the help of the counselor, that IF I COULD I'd prefer to stay married. And so we did the therapy together (with a new counselor). I was actually surprised he went, but he did. And it got us through the immediate crisis ... but maybe that band-aid just wasn't enough.
Al-anon ... we live in a pretty small community, and I cringe at the thought of seeing someone I know there (and I probably would, being owner of the local tav). My husband would definately think me being there would be "bad for business", which we can hardly afford. Maybe I should go to one in another city??
It is interesting to hear how many of you also get the sexual pressure. But I do agree that he is manipulative. I can see this in the way he manages our employees ... we always disagree on how to handle problems with employees. He's into head games, I'm into straight-forward honest communication.
And Wants Out ... who said"No, this isn't typical alcoholic behavior. Examples of alcoholic behavior are hiding bottles, sneaking drinks, etc. He's just being a douche". HA! I loved that!!
Lastly, I am sure my battle with cancer has more influence on our relationship than either of us appreciates. I know I live daily with the fear that the cancer could come back, and my life cut short ... so I feel alot of pressure to make every day count as much as it can. AND to put things right in case I do go before I should ... meaning setting the house in good financial order (which we are not), and making sure my daughters have SOMEONE to parent them. THANK GOD my older daughters are closing in on adulthood ... but I also have a 9-year old to worry about. As for hubby, he really was wonderful during my treatment and did everything he could. But now that I am "cured" (which is unproven, it's more a matter of faith), he acts as if it's all history. And there's alot to be said for that ... why ask for problems, what will be will be, etc. So he lives on like some kind of rock star. Is this his denial?
I should add something here ... I have no doubt that he loves me. That I mean more to him than anything. If I ever did actually walk, I have no doubt he'd do anything I ask.
But dammit, do I have to pack up the kids to get this??
Thank you to all of you for your supporting thoughts and words. Good not to feel alone in this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Perpetual, Denial
Posts: 6
Wow! Thanks to everyone for your responses!
I think I like it here!
Seriously, I have visited a message board for women with breast cancer, and have found it so wonderful, that while mulling this problem over it occurred to me that there might be a place where I could share my frustration with the hubby. Looks like I found it!
Your responses make me wonder, though, which came first ... the alcoholic or the *******??
Again, seriously, don't you wonder sometimes? I know I have. I mean, maybe I'm blaming the booze too much? Maybe this is just a bad egg to begin with.
Which is really depressing. I hate to think I spent 25 years of my life with an ass. But maybe that is why I want to believe it's the alcoholic in him ... so I don't have to admit I screwed up long ago??
Maybe it is time to see a counselor again. I did see one last year for a while ... when I was thinking of leaving him ... and came to the conclusion, with the help of the counselor, that IF I COULD I'd prefer to stay married. And so we did the therapy together (with a new counselor). I was actually surprised he went, but he did. And it got us through the immediate crisis ... but maybe that band-aid just wasn't enough.
Al-anon ... we live in a pretty small community, and I cringe at the thought of seeing someone I know there (and I probably would, being owner of the local tav). My husband would definately think me being there would be "bad for business", which we can hardly afford. Maybe I should go to one in another city??
It is interesting to hear how many of you also get the sexual pressure. But I do agree that he is manipulative. I can see this in the way he manages our employees ... we always disagree on how to handle problems with employees. He's into head games, I'm into straight-forward honest communication.
And Wants Out ... who said "No, this isn't typical alcoholic behavior. Examples of alcoholic behavior are hiding bottles, sneaking drinks, etc. He's just being a douche". HA! I loved that!!
Lastly, I am sure my battle with cancer has more influence on our relationship than either of us appreciates. I know I live daily with the fear that the cancer could come back, and my life cut short ... so I feel alot of pressure to make every day count as much as it can. AND to put things right in case I do go before I should ... meaning setting the house in good financial order (which we are not), and making sure my daughters have SOMEONE to parent them. THANK GOD my older daughters are closing in on adulthood ... but I also have a 9-year old to worry about. As for hubby, he really was wonderful during my treatment and did everything he could. But now that I am "cured" (which is unproven, it's more a matter of faith), he acts as if it's all history. And there's alot to be said for that ... why ask for problems, what will be will be, etc. (wish I could do that). So he lives on like some kind of rock star. Is this his denial?
I should add something here ... I have no doubt that he loves me. That I mean more to him than anything. If I ever did actually walk, I have no doubt he'd do anything I ask.
But dammit, do I have to pack up the kids to get this??
Thank you to all of you for your supporting thoughts and words. Good not to feel alone in this.
Seriously, I have visited a message board for women with breast cancer, and have found it so wonderful, that while mulling this problem over it occurred to me that there might be a place where I could share my frustration with the hubby. Looks like I found it!
Your responses make me wonder, though, which came first ... the alcoholic or the *******??
Again, seriously, don't you wonder sometimes? I know I have. I mean, maybe I'm blaming the booze too much? Maybe this is just a bad egg to begin with.
Which is really depressing. I hate to think I spent 25 years of my life with an ass. But maybe that is why I want to believe it's the alcoholic in him ... so I don't have to admit I screwed up long ago??
Maybe it is time to see a counselor again. I did see one last year for a while ... when I was thinking of leaving him ... and came to the conclusion, with the help of the counselor, that IF I COULD I'd prefer to stay married. And so we did the therapy together (with a new counselor). I was actually surprised he went, but he did. And it got us through the immediate crisis ... but maybe that band-aid just wasn't enough.
Al-anon ... we live in a pretty small community, and I cringe at the thought of seeing someone I know there (and I probably would, being owner of the local tav). My husband would definately think me being there would be "bad for business", which we can hardly afford. Maybe I should go to one in another city??
It is interesting to hear how many of you also get the sexual pressure. But I do agree that he is manipulative. I can see this in the way he manages our employees ... we always disagree on how to handle problems with employees. He's into head games, I'm into straight-forward honest communication.
And Wants Out ... who said "No, this isn't typical alcoholic behavior. Examples of alcoholic behavior are hiding bottles, sneaking drinks, etc. He's just being a douche". HA! I loved that!!
Lastly, I am sure my battle with cancer has more influence on our relationship than either of us appreciates. I know I live daily with the fear that the cancer could come back, and my life cut short ... so I feel alot of pressure to make every day count as much as it can. AND to put things right in case I do go before I should ... meaning setting the house in good financial order (which we are not), and making sure my daughters have SOMEONE to parent them. THANK GOD my older daughters are closing in on adulthood ... but I also have a 9-year old to worry about. As for hubby, he really was wonderful during my treatment and did everything he could. But now that I am "cured" (which is unproven, it's more a matter of faith), he acts as if it's all history. And there's alot to be said for that ... why ask for problems, what will be will be, etc. (wish I could do that). So he lives on like some kind of rock star. Is this his denial?
I should add something here ... I have no doubt that he loves me. That I mean more to him than anything. If I ever did actually walk, I have no doubt he'd do anything I ask.
But dammit, do I have to pack up the kids to get this??
Thank you to all of you for your supporting thoughts and words. Good not to feel alone in this.
Last edited by VVV; 05-08-2007 at 05:32 PM. Reason: posted twice ... oops!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Welcome, VVV!! I'm glad you are here and I'm glad you found us. Yes indeedy, you have survived in the "alcoholic lunatic asylum" for quite some time. Trying to figure out why he does what he does, why he says what he says; money problems, sex problems, communication problems. Excuses, excuses, excuses .... it's YOUR fault, it's his parent's fault, it's the alignment of the planets' fault ... blah, blah, blah.
It finally boils down to booze and sex. Sometimes they even lose interest in sex. Thank God mine FINALLY got the message that hands off meant hands off.
You have been, and will be, blamed for anything he does that you point out that ticks you off. Alcoholics do not take responsibility for their actions or their behaviors. The longer we argue with them, cast sarcastic comments in their direction, or give them that certain "look," the more it gives them all the ammunition they need to start pushing our buttons.
Just my suggestions: get into Al-Anon, read "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beatty and "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews. Seek counseling. Most importantly, learn to detach with the help of working the Al-Anon program. I learned to stay detached most of the time by realizing that ANY discussion on the topics of (1) drinking, (2) sex, (3) meaningful communication, and (4) a decent marriage relationship with my AH were exercises in futility. So I just quit discussing the issues. I got nowhere with AH and the only one who was ticked off about it all was me.
Yes, you very well may have to walk out the door and stay out in order to leave him alone with the bottle long enough for him to realize that all he has left is the bottle. As far as Al-Anon meetings go, they are anonymous for a reason. Everything said in those rooms stays in those rooms. Period. Your children have been exposed to this all their lives. Do you want them to end up marrying an alcoholic? Chances are they may because that's what is familiar to them.
The longer we expose ourselves to the lunacy, the more we minimize it and consider it "normal." We put up with some pretty outlandish behavior and after so many years of swallowing it, we find ourselves pretty emotionally beat up, not to mention emotionally deprived! Your husband probably loves you very much. However, if you and the children walk out and take an extended "vacation" at least you will find out who he loves more in the long run: you or the bottle. Perhaps it's time to find out where his true loyalties lie.
It finally boils down to booze and sex. Sometimes they even lose interest in sex. Thank God mine FINALLY got the message that hands off meant hands off.
You have been, and will be, blamed for anything he does that you point out that ticks you off. Alcoholics do not take responsibility for their actions or their behaviors. The longer we argue with them, cast sarcastic comments in their direction, or give them that certain "look," the more it gives them all the ammunition they need to start pushing our buttons.
Just my suggestions: get into Al-Anon, read "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beatty and "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews. Seek counseling. Most importantly, learn to detach with the help of working the Al-Anon program. I learned to stay detached most of the time by realizing that ANY discussion on the topics of (1) drinking, (2) sex, (3) meaningful communication, and (4) a decent marriage relationship with my AH were exercises in futility. So I just quit discussing the issues. I got nowhere with AH and the only one who was ticked off about it all was me.
Yes, you very well may have to walk out the door and stay out in order to leave him alone with the bottle long enough for him to realize that all he has left is the bottle. As far as Al-Anon meetings go, they are anonymous for a reason. Everything said in those rooms stays in those rooms. Period. Your children have been exposed to this all their lives. Do you want them to end up marrying an alcoholic? Chances are they may because that's what is familiar to them.
The longer we expose ourselves to the lunacy, the more we minimize it and consider it "normal." We put up with some pretty outlandish behavior and after so many years of swallowing it, we find ourselves pretty emotionally beat up, not to mention emotionally deprived! Your husband probably loves you very much. However, if you and the children walk out and take an extended "vacation" at least you will find out who he loves more in the long run: you or the bottle. Perhaps it's time to find out where his true loyalties lie.
SerenitySeekr
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Richmond, VA
Posts: 4
Hello VVV, It's my first time here, too. Your story sounds so much like mine, even with the older daughters (mine 23 & 21, and 9 yr old daughter). My AH tells me he drinks because I smoke cigarettes. My AH also owns his own business, landscaper, but doing poorly also. He hates having a boss and schedule that he can't control, hence, the small business owner. Which also builds his already massive ego, riding around in a truck all day, bossing other people around. Same thing with the head games, passive/aggressive with employees. I too, have been through medical problems and I was diagnosed 1 1/2 yrs ago with RA, rheumatoid arthritis, which I truly believe was triggered by living in a war zone for 12 years with my AH. I admire your attitude, don't let him fill your head with his crap; they are master manipulators. I thought mine was the only person like that! He tries to con me into sex, also. But now it's very seldom b/c it literally hurts my joints. Well, welcome to you and me and I think we've both found a really great community of folks that understand, finally, finally, finally God bless and hang in there!
God bless and hang in there!
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Welcome to SR.
I hope you've checked out the "Sticky" posts at the top of the forum. Excellent reading material there full of useful and informative information for ya. If you haven't checked it out yet, I hope you do so soon.
You'll find that many of us can relate to what you're going through - or at least certain aspects of it. It's nice to finally have that feeling of not being alone, huh? Believe me, we understand.
I definately hope you continue to stick around and share your journey with us.
I hope you've checked out the "Sticky" posts at the top of the forum. Excellent reading material there full of useful and informative information for ya. If you haven't checked it out yet, I hope you do so soon.
You'll find that many of us can relate to what you're going through - or at least certain aspects of it. It's nice to finally have that feeling of not being alone, huh? Believe me, we understand.
I definately hope you continue to stick around and share your journey with us.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,351
Welcome--keep posting!
I always find it interesting when men are in trouble it's our fault because we are ''too fat'' and ''frigid'' master manipulation.
I had a complete hysterecomy when I was 34--it actually improved my sex drive--I think its a old wives tale you loose it-and I have never felt less of a woman because of it. Maybe its just HIM you don't want to have sex with!LOL
If it was me and I really didn't want to give up my marriage etc...as you say...and he is willing to''hold up his end of the bargain if you do""? He would be getting it so much he would be to tired to drink--wonder what his excuse would be then? Just a thought,,,small price to pay--you can always pretend he is someone else...
I always find it interesting when men are in trouble it's our fault because we are ''too fat'' and ''frigid'' master manipulation.
I had a complete hysterecomy when I was 34--it actually improved my sex drive--I think its a old wives tale you loose it-and I have never felt less of a woman because of it. Maybe its just HIM you don't want to have sex with!LOL
If it was me and I really didn't want to give up my marriage etc...as you say...and he is willing to''hold up his end of the bargain if you do""? He would be getting it so much he would be to tired to drink--wonder what his excuse would be then? Just a thought,,,small price to pay--you can always pretend he is someone else...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
Welcome
Your husband's behavior seems very typical. Blaming others for their problems is classic alcoholic behavior. The blaming is just quacking...diverting attention from the real probem. If they accepted their drinking was causing problems..then they would have to admit alcohol needed to be eliminated... the last thing they want to accept or admit - thus the denial and blaming. I also got the blamed everytime his drinking or poor behavior was brought up ... and he always knew how to push my buttons. Lying, denial, blaming, anger are all very much a part of the condition. Making promises to improve is also classic behavior ... and sometimes they improve just long enough to keep us hanging on thinking there is hope ... only to be disappointed again and again. My husband didn't have a drinking problem until about 5 years after we were married... but then he drank almost nonstop for about 28 years. We also tried marriage counseling twice... he was lying about his drinking and hiding it both times .. and traditional marriage counseling is usually considered a waste of time as long as there is an active alcoholic involved. The addiction must be treated first.
We also had a business and it did well for many years when my husband was more functional, but then began to struggle as it really isn't beneficial when one of the owners is impaired while making business decisions. I also felt trapped because of our business and having 2 kids that are now teenagers ... and didn't feel his kids should have to leave their home. Eventually I asked him to live elsewhere until he could maintain long term sobriety... which he was never able to accomplish. Life with an alcoholic is a roller coaster ... days of hope and things seeming better- the days that keep us hanging on .. and then the fall back down when the drinking escalates again. As you may already be aware .. alcohol addiction is very resistant to change and highly prone to relapse... the active alcoholic does not behave like a sane or rational person. Consuming alcohol is the most important thing in an active alcoholic's life ... everything and everyone else is always second to alcohol. I don't think my husband could have functioned on his own and he always seemed lost without his family .. but he couldn't stop drinking either. He did finally admit he was an alcoholic after many years of deceit and insanity ... and he was sober for 2 years with the help of AA. He eventually relapsed and fell very hard, very fast ... and within 3 years developed serious alcohol related health problems and recently died as a result of his addiction to alcohol. This is a tragic and frustrating condition ... and can be so hard understand all the strange behaviors associated with it.
Keep reading ... you will find answers to many of your questions on this forum. I spent a year visiting this forum before I ever posted and learned so much in the process. There is a wealth of knowledge here from people that understand exactly what you are going through. The more you learn, the easier it will become to make decisions about your future.
Your husband's behavior seems very typical. Blaming others for their problems is classic alcoholic behavior. The blaming is just quacking...diverting attention from the real probem. If they accepted their drinking was causing problems..then they would have to admit alcohol needed to be eliminated... the last thing they want to accept or admit - thus the denial and blaming. I also got the blamed everytime his drinking or poor behavior was brought up ... and he always knew how to push my buttons. Lying, denial, blaming, anger are all very much a part of the condition. Making promises to improve is also classic behavior ... and sometimes they improve just long enough to keep us hanging on thinking there is hope ... only to be disappointed again and again. My husband didn't have a drinking problem until about 5 years after we were married... but then he drank almost nonstop for about 28 years. We also tried marriage counseling twice... he was lying about his drinking and hiding it both times .. and traditional marriage counseling is usually considered a waste of time as long as there is an active alcoholic involved. The addiction must be treated first.
We also had a business and it did well for many years when my husband was more functional, but then began to struggle as it really isn't beneficial when one of the owners is impaired while making business decisions. I also felt trapped because of our business and having 2 kids that are now teenagers ... and didn't feel his kids should have to leave their home. Eventually I asked him to live elsewhere until he could maintain long term sobriety... which he was never able to accomplish. Life with an alcoholic is a roller coaster ... days of hope and things seeming better- the days that keep us hanging on .. and then the fall back down when the drinking escalates again. As you may already be aware .. alcohol addiction is very resistant to change and highly prone to relapse... the active alcoholic does not behave like a sane or rational person. Consuming alcohol is the most important thing in an active alcoholic's life ... everything and everyone else is always second to alcohol. I don't think my husband could have functioned on his own and he always seemed lost without his family .. but he couldn't stop drinking either. He did finally admit he was an alcoholic after many years of deceit and insanity ... and he was sober for 2 years with the help of AA. He eventually relapsed and fell very hard, very fast ... and within 3 years developed serious alcohol related health problems and recently died as a result of his addiction to alcohol. This is a tragic and frustrating condition ... and can be so hard understand all the strange behaviors associated with it.
Keep reading ... you will find answers to many of your questions on this forum. I spent a year visiting this forum before I ever posted and learned so much in the process. There is a wealth of knowledge here from people that understand exactly what you are going through. The more you learn, the easier it will become to make decisions about your future.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Green,green grass of home
Posts: 600
Hi and welcome !!!!
the alcoholic blames us.
we blame the alcoholic.
where does it end?
recovery starts with me.although the alcoholic sticks out like a sore thumb,and all the stuff that goes with this disease.i had to admit,that this was only a symbol to our underlining issues,both his and mine.once i stoped checking on him and started to focus on my own recovery,i started to change.the atmosphere in our home,began to change.
although you feel that you cannot go to al-anon at this time,you can pick up some recovery books at the meetings,get phone number,and begin recovery for yourself.
i would also like to suggest if i may,that you can get with others who have cancer also,and share,with them too.families goes through alot with both diseases.the more help,and fellowship,support,you have,the better.my prayers are with you and your family,
thank you for leeting me share,
thank you for sharring,
God Bless,
the alcoholic blames us.
we blame the alcoholic.
where does it end?
recovery starts with me.although the alcoholic sticks out like a sore thumb,and all the stuff that goes with this disease.i had to admit,that this was only a symbol to our underlining issues,both his and mine.once i stoped checking on him and started to focus on my own recovery,i started to change.the atmosphere in our home,began to change.
although you feel that you cannot go to al-anon at this time,you can pick up some recovery books at the meetings,get phone number,and begin recovery for yourself.
i would also like to suggest if i may,that you can get with others who have cancer also,and share,with them too.families goes through alot with both diseases.the more help,and fellowship,support,you have,the better.my prayers are with you and your family,
thank you for leeting me share,
thank you for sharring,
God Bless,
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