Sunlight81

God bless you all. Threads like this are where the rubber meets the road.

Yes, A's drink to change the way they feel about themselves. For them it's medicine. For a real A to drink is like the person who hits themselves on the head with a hammer to get rid of a headache. They can't see it until they can see it. Bottoms make that possible. Desperation can motivate change. The 12 steps are medicine. It's about self care. An important boundary is: I'm no longer going to allow your self care or the lack of it to affect mine.

Holyqow said this: I guess that's how I view it... it doesn't matter to me whether he drinks or not. It matters how I am treated. It matters how my kids are treated. It matters how the whole family relates. With or without beer, I won't settle for the way we were treated in the past.

That's spiritual!

DesertEyes

Chero's question about boundaries continues over here

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...daries-me.html

I moved some posts over to that new thread, so ya'll come on over

Mike

aztchr

This sums up my experience! I wouldn't have cared if he drank daily if the effects didn't interfere with how I was treated.

I'm starting to think even if my ex didn't drink, our relationship would still have been one sided with me always wanting to fix something. My striving to control and have the perfect life is going to be my downfall in relationships.
I really don't know how to be in a relationship. I always seem to find fault or end up caretaking. Guess it's good to be single for a long while!

chero

No way they can drink daily and it not affect us, though, right??

My AH is starting his 3rd week of sobriety and I'm ready to kill him...most of the time. He needs counselling or I do....or both!

Sunlight81

Both, how long have you 2 been together? You're just as new as he is but he has an advantage because of his treatment. I hope he's building a support system. You will need one, too. Good counselors are hard to find. Mine is a rockstar. Innerbonding.com

chero

We have been together for 12 years.
He isn't seeking treatment. He is doing this by himself. I'm his support system, cheerleader, everything.
It's hard.

Innerbonding.com?? What is this, Sunlight?

LGLG07

thats a lot of pressure on you chero . aa isnt for everybody but i hope he does decide to get some kind of a sponser . (besides you) . you can support him and be there for him and its great that he has come as far as he did .. 2 wks is 2 wks !
you keep posting here and when you are ready for f2f support like therapy and/or al anon you can get it .
i tried that interbonding.com and came up with nothing . maybe sunlight can give you more info on that

Sunlight81

I'm sorry to hear that. He's not sober, he's dry, what we call "white knuckling it". If he can quit on his own, he may not be an alcoholic. An alcoholic who is temporarily not drinking is usually described as "restless, irritable and discontent". He'll have to find his own way. There is a lot of help available to you. Alanon, Coda, etc. You might be his example of recovery. Innerbonding.com is my therapist's website. She specializes in helping people learn to love themselves.

chero

Well, I don't think there are doubts he is an alcoholic. He is the only one who doubts it. The longest he has gone was 2 years...a long time ago. For a very long time the longest has been two or three days. Usually long enough to get over the side effects of the last binge and ready to go again.

He asked me a few minutes ago if I was glad he has quit. I said are you glad you've quit. He said you can't do it forever....(i've heard that one a million times). He said he had to quit because he was so busy with work. His job he is very busy or very slow and I asked him what was going to happen when things slowed down. He said why can't you just enjoy today?????

THAT'S WHAT I WHAT TO KNOW!!!!!!!!!!

HolyQow

I hope you are able to get to that point, where his actions (whether drinking or not drinking) do not dictate how you are going to act/react for the day. I think you're on the edge of figureing this out....

We talked a bit about resentment on here (might have been before you joined)....and I think you are having a little bit of trouble with that part. (The "why should I be happy for him because I know he used to do XYZ" "he will just start drinking again" "he did this before" is a pretty good indication). The best thing I did for myself was let that all go.....

You're so full of questions (which is a good thing)....until you realize that there aren't any real answers. You're making progress...even if you don't think you are. I can see so much of myself in the things you say/ask....I know you are going to be just fine.

chero

Thanks, HQ!

Resentment....hmm...You know you might have just nailed me with that one. I haven't been able to put my finger on it but I think I do resent him!

I'm off to think..........