Sherella

Well my AH decided to quit drinking, smoking and going to the bars, he said they all went together and he stayed sober for eighteen years, he unfortunately kept all his insecurities, and abusive behavior, and harbored all his resentments, I think that's what helped him to fall off the wagon. He's now sober but walking around with all the old patterns of thinking, frankly I think he needs to see a mental health counselor, AA might help with the drinking, but I think the drinking is only part of the problem if you peel away the booze he's coming up with a whole lot of emotional problems with a refusal to grow up at the top of the list.

chero

Well, you guys sure know what's going on! This is why I love coming here. Understanding, help, support! THANKS!

He does think he needs a parade and I should be the grand marshall. But, I'll tell you what, if anybody gets a parade it's gonna be me! I've been here through it all...the drinking, the abuse, the fights, the arrests, the humiliation! And I get the pleasure of having to remember it, unlike him.

Maybe I can't be happy for him because...good grief, 10 days. Give me a break. I've been on diets that were longer than that.
I know 10 days leads to 20....but maybe in 20 I'll feel different. What happened to my faith?? The faith monster drank it!

But I just feel like all the progress I've made in the last month or so has been thrown out the window. The detaching and learning not to enable. Gone. I'm suddenly back to being on pins and needles. It's crazy.

I wish there were Al-Anon meetings here. Do you guys know if there are online meetings?? Guess I could look that up.

LGLG07

i actually feel like im at an alanon meeting everytime i sign on ! if you can,try to seperate yourself , dont fixate on whether he is going to drink and if he does when it will be . you wont be able to stop it if its going to happen so worrying about it is useless. and if it does happen , you will know about it , trust your gut , its never let you down before

Sunflower

baby steps---as far as when does the feeling end of the bottom falling out??I can't answer that its been over 1/2 year and I am still there..

socalgal

When I got sober i did it for me. It was a quiet and personal inside job. I didn't do it for applause or congratulations. i did it to save my life and what was left of my quickly deteriorating marraige. I never expected any praise from anybody (and I don't think I got any either, people were pretty angry - no kidding!) I did want their trust back, which I have "earned" by staying sober and living my amends for the past 12 years. I don't trust the idea of wanting some kind of huge recognition for 10 days of sobriety. Big deal.
Be happy that he's not drunk...today. Throw him a party when he's got a year (but only if YOU want to!)
-K

Nuudawn

Great post Socalgal. That's bang on for this recovering drunk as well. I too sobered up for me.

Sunflower

dont be too harsh on her--we dont live in her shoes--this may be the first step inthe right direction--that is huge for her and the A--every minute of everyday he is sober is a day to celebrate....I am rooting for you chero!!!!

chero

Thanks Sunflower, You're like my own little protector! I can't get the smile you put on my face off!

I'm not sure I'm happy over 10 days but I know that the journey of a 1000 miles begins with one step....and somebody said once that even baby steps will get you where you are going if you don't give up!

Today is what, day 12 or 13...at least it isn't day 1 all over again!?!?

socalgal

I'm sorry if what I said was taken as harsh towards Chero. That is not at all my intent. I have nothing but respect,gratitude and compassion for the friends and families who love us through our illnesses.

I guess my point was more to call into question why the person who had 10 days sobriety needed so much attention. It just gives me an uneasy feeling as to motivation.

I am sorry if I offended. That was not my intention. I am happy that things are going well for you an your husband. I have nothing but prayers for everyone who suffers from this illness.

Peace,
-K

chero

Hey Socalgal, No harm done. You didn't offend me in the least!!

My point is actually the same as yours...10 days, give me a break! We'll take when it's a significant amount of time.

My delimma is actually should I be happy for him? I mean 10 days is better than zero.

I, too, question his motivation. He is constantly saying he is doing this for me and I think he should do it for himself.

Bring on the comments! You won't hurt my feelings!
, Cheryl

HolyQow

It seems my AH has quit drinking also. Although I haven't a clue how many days it really is, I am guessing around 10-12 days. He hasn't mentioned it, so neither have I. It's his deal, not mine. I just try to spend more time with him, because my excuse for ignoring him before was that he was always drunk/drinking. I guess I am just testing the waters, and seeing if there is anything left worth salvaging.

I did notice him "thrashing" around while asleep last night....I don't know if I should explain some of the withdrawal symptoms to him or not....I may just suggest a checkup with the doctor. Entirely up to him on how he handles stuff.

No parade yet.

chero

Wow! You're doing so good HQ!

Wonder why they are so different. Your's not talking about and mine talking all the time!?

HolyQow

Mine doesn't talk about it because he says "he doesn't have a problem"
He has always said that he could quit anytime he wants.....so I think he is just trying to prove a point for a few days.....then he will start up again.

Never know. Maybe he will never drink again. I can't waste energy worrying what will happen tomorrow, I am just glad he didn't drink TODAY.

TroubledNC

Hi,

I'm pretty new to this site, but I, too, have really appreciated reading your posts and getting advice from everyone.

I have to chuckle a bit when I think about my AH's new date of sobriety... April 1st!!! Hmmm... how ironic!

LiLL

Chero, why are you afraid of feeling happy?
Because he might start drinking again tomorrow anyway, so let's get prepared for the misery?
Because he's not doing what you think he should be doing (e.g. going to AA), so he doesn't deserve to have anyone happy for him?
Because he's happy and thinks everything is OK now, but you want to show him it's NOT OK?

Well the above are actually thoughts and feelings I've had before, and still have sometimes. I have to keep reminding myself every day that his recovery is really not up to me. Whenever I catch myself worrying over him having a slip, I know I'm the one having a slip. That means it's time to do some reading, clear my thoughts, and focus back on my own recovery.

chero

You're right, Lill, I'm the one slipping. I know that, too.

It seems I am putting so many stipulations on his drinking or not drinking. I think I could get well/better if he'd just stop or not. But how do you live with the maybe he will maybe he won't!? I haven't figured it out, yet.

I'm still new at trying to live just my life and let him live his. I guess this is all part of the learning??

HolyQow

What if he does drink? Does that change anything? What if he never drinks again? Does that change anything?

I guess that's how I view it... it doesn't matter to me whether he drinks or not. It matters how I am treated. It matters how my kids are treated. It matters how the whole family relates. With or without beer, I won't settle for the way we were treated in the past.

PS: I was way off on how many days he hasn't drank. He has had a headache for three days now......and I had just got done reading sticky above about having a stroke when detoxing....so I had to ask him. Point blank, how many days since you've had a beer? He said 6. Then he drank one tonight.... so it really isn't about the alcohol at all. It's about his behavior. He did say his headache went away.....so still not sure if that is alcohol withdrawal symptom or not....

Definately no parade.

Amost forgot.... I was also thinking that your AH is talking alot about it because he wants to hear "good job" once in awhile. All men do, not just about alcohol. I can wash dishes every day of my life, but if AH does it ONCE...he expects a pat on the back. Must be part of that self-centered thing that my Ah has going for him. I wouldn't think saying good job once or twice counts as a parade. Might be all he is looking for.

chero

AMEN! to that, HQ.

Okay, let me just say, I am happy for him. And I do tell him I'm proud of him.

But I don't know that I mean it. I know that's terrible. I have a friend that always says "fake it till you make it" and I hate it when she says that. But maybe that's what I'm supposed to do?? It's not that I'm not happy for him.

I think Lill said it best. This issue is mine and not his. The fact is I'm scared for me. I'm ruining today by living in tomorrow. And not everyday is like that. Some days I get it. Some days I don't.

I've been through sobriety with him before. Once he went two years and I was foolish enough to think it would last forever. I'll never forget that first day he drank after two years. I knew something was wrong that day.

But now, I can't trust my feelings and emotions. They always go for something being wrong and usually there isn't anything wrong until I open my mouth and ruin things.

Lill is right. I'm living prepared for the misery. I've got to get a grip of myself!

LGLG07

I have to tell you all Im really enjoying reading this thread . ah is in rehab and Im so torn on where to go from here when he gets out . Im having alot of the same feelings . He wants a pat on the back for going to rehab .. again ! While Im home juggling 4 kids , 2 part time jobs , and financial set back . Wheres my parade ??? Selfish , I know !

chero

Lg, I can relate...minus the kids! I don't know how you do that, too!

I know nobody can tell us for us but sometimes I just wish they could say here's what you are supposed to do and then I can say, Oh, yeah!

I must be dreaming big today, huh! Oh, well, whatever gets me through it!