Should I be happy for him?
Let Go Let God
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
well chero , you never know what you can do until you have to! the first time by ah made it to 30 days i got him a cake and we celebrated . he started drinking again 2 days later . it was like once he was validated , he was done with it . (quitting) . i'll never buy him another cake .
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,351
Nope chero it just keeps rolling along--who knows what tomorrow will bring...I feel the same way most of you do about--oh yeah everythings fine now so lets just forget it all----it doesn't work that way and they don't get this for some reason!!
Anyone who stops drinking who is an alcoholic really should go inpatient but if they don't using the excuse for a ''check up''sounds good to me!!
Remember there are new medications out there to help the As with their withdrawl and cravings--use them--they worked for my AS......HolyOw and chero please keep us updated.....
Anyone who stops drinking who is an alcoholic really should go inpatient but if they don't using the excuse for a ''check up''sounds good to me!!
Remember there are new medications out there to help the As with their withdrawl and cravings--use them--they worked for my AS......HolyOw and chero please keep us updated.....
full of hope
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Hmm...I guess so, just. I told someone this morning that today I choose to be happy.
So, there was a choice I made.
I wonder though, do our As really choose to drink or not? I guess mine is choosing not to but doesn't there come a point when they can't make that choice. I mean, who would choose this??
If alcoholism is an illness do they really have a choice??
So, there was a choice I made.
I wonder though, do our As really choose to drink or not? I guess mine is choosing not to but doesn't there come a point when they can't make that choice. I mean, who would choose this??
If alcoholism is an illness do they really have a choice??
full of hope
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Ya'll won't believe this. My AH just hollered at me and said, "Hey honey. You said I couldn't quit it all, (drinking and smoking) and I did, so how about that?"
Seriously, what do I say?
I said, "That's good!"
Seriously, what do I say?
I said, "That's good!"
Let Go Let God
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
if alcoholism is an illness do they really have any choice ?
(still cant do the quote thing)
thats a great question and since watching the Oprah show on addiction i have been pondering that myself . i guess we all have choices in life ..
like should i eat that 1/2 lb bag of m&ms or not ??? sometimes im on my
last one before i realize i even started them ! bad comparison i know but is it the same for alcoholics .. do they drink a 12 pk of beer or a fifth of whiskey without even realizing it ? do they have a choice ?
im going to research that and find some answers
(still cant do the quote thing)
thats a great question and since watching the Oprah show on addiction i have been pondering that myself . i guess we all have choices in life ..
like should i eat that 1/2 lb bag of m&ms or not ??? sometimes im on my
last one before i realize i even started them ! bad comparison i know but is it the same for alcoholics .. do they drink a 12 pk of beer or a fifth of whiskey without even realizing it ? do they have a choice ?
im going to research that and find some answers
full of hope
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Researching is a good idea!
My arguement has always been they are sober when they buy it but then someone told me they aren't really sober. so there goes that theory.
I just caught the end of that oprah show. The one guy on there who had been clean for almost 8 years and saw the video of the woman shooting up in her neck and had a "trigger". He was freaked out because it was the first time in 7 years he had had a trigger. That was freaky to me.
The choice thing is confusing. That guy quit. May AH has quit for 15 days now and they made a choice to quit.
It's so confusing. Do they have a choice or not????
My arguement has always been they are sober when they buy it but then someone told me they aren't really sober. so there goes that theory.
I just caught the end of that oprah show. The one guy on there who had been clean for almost 8 years and saw the video of the woman shooting up in her neck and had a "trigger". He was freaked out because it was the first time in 7 years he had had a trigger. That was freaky to me.
The choice thing is confusing. That guy quit. May AH has quit for 15 days now and they made a choice to quit.
It's so confusing. Do they have a choice or not????
Let Go Let God
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
it was a very freaky show . the older gentleman was an alcoholic for 50 yrs and has been clean i think for a little over a year . did he choose ? the woman cheryl had a lot to say , she was addicted to cocaine for 15 yrs . she suffered severe childhood trauma including sexual and physical abuse . she said her first drug was fear and she did drugs to escape the fear she always felt . everyone has a different story . in her case i think she did choose to stop running from her fear and instead face it and deal with it .
maybe thats it .. i think there are several different kinds of alcoholics and maybe the ones with the choice are the ones who started drinking to escape themselves . maybe they can choose to stop running and stop their addiction??
maybe thats it .. i think there are several different kinds of alcoholics and maybe the ones with the choice are the ones who started drinking to escape themselves . maybe they can choose to stop running and stop their addiction??
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
with regards to the whole question of whether or not they have a choice... i think i shared this before but who knows anymore...
my ex had been sober for three months when i came home one night and realized she had been drinking earlier, and of course, i freaked out. it was her first relapse while she was with me... her first time she had three months for as long as she could remember. i asked her WHY? i said, you had a CHOICE. why did you CHOOSE to drink?
she told me, in tears, sobbing, that it was like she didn't even realize that she was buying the beer when she did it. she said it was like an out of body experience, that she didn't even know she was on her way to the drug store, even as she was walking there. like she had no control over her body. like she was watching a movie of someone else's life.
to this day, who knows. i believe her when she said she didn't realize what she was doing. i believe that the disease can consume your mind and your body that much that you don't have any clue what the heck is going on anymore. BUT, she has relapsed many times since we broke up in january, and i also believe just as strongly, that she can make the choice whether or not she wants to drink, whether or not she wants to hang out with people who drink, whether or not she should carry her debit card or lots of cash on her when she's out (in order to buy beer), etc.
she has the power and the choice to choose NOT to drink or to get help... i truly believe that. she knows what she has to do to stay clean and sober... she just chooses not to.
my ex had been sober for three months when i came home one night and realized she had been drinking earlier, and of course, i freaked out. it was her first relapse while she was with me... her first time she had three months for as long as she could remember. i asked her WHY? i said, you had a CHOICE. why did you CHOOSE to drink?
she told me, in tears, sobbing, that it was like she didn't even realize that she was buying the beer when she did it. she said it was like an out of body experience, that she didn't even know she was on her way to the drug store, even as she was walking there. like she had no control over her body. like she was watching a movie of someone else's life.
to this day, who knows. i believe her when she said she didn't realize what she was doing. i believe that the disease can consume your mind and your body that much that you don't have any clue what the heck is going on anymore. BUT, she has relapsed many times since we broke up in january, and i also believe just as strongly, that she can make the choice whether or not she wants to drink, whether or not she wants to hang out with people who drink, whether or not she should carry her debit card or lots of cash on her when she's out (in order to buy beer), etc.
she has the power and the choice to choose NOT to drink or to get help... i truly believe that. she knows what she has to do to stay clean and sober... she just chooses not to.
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Hey chero, I know how bad this horrible addiction is. Yes, I do believe they have a choice. As you say would they really choose this??? Yes they do because they get to a point they dont know anybetter. I wouldnt choose this because no way i would want to be like that. My choice.
I gave up smoking didnt I. My choice.
I gave up smoking didnt I. My choice.
Let Go Let God
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
thats a good point inthis bought out .. its not just a choice of drinking but a choice of who they hang out with . staying away from triggers . a choice of going to meetings and working the program . a choice of route they will take to the grocery store to avoid the liquor store and temptation to stop . there are a lot of choices . those of us that are codies , do we choose to be ?
we can live the life of a codie because its what we are used to , that 'comfort zone' thing , but we do choose to get help and to live a better life every second of every day . we have to make decisions all he time instead of doing what comes naturally but eventually what comes naturally will be better behavior , not that of a codie .
i do think alcoholism is a brain disease , i think the chances of becoming an alcoholic are greater if its in the family , i think if you throw in some childhood trauma or fear as chero said , your chances are even greater still. i think you would never know if you were an A unless you start drinking . alcoholism is all over my family yet myself and 4 sisters were spared , we drink occassionally except for my oldest sister , she doesnt drink at all , never did , perhaps shes an alcoholic but it was never awakened in her . i believe that there are lots of choices that contribute to drinking and not just to drink or not
we can live the life of a codie because its what we are used to , that 'comfort zone' thing , but we do choose to get help and to live a better life every second of every day . we have to make decisions all he time instead of doing what comes naturally but eventually what comes naturally will be better behavior , not that of a codie .
i do think alcoholism is a brain disease , i think the chances of becoming an alcoholic are greater if its in the family , i think if you throw in some childhood trauma or fear as chero said , your chances are even greater still. i think you would never know if you were an A unless you start drinking . alcoholism is all over my family yet myself and 4 sisters were spared , we drink occassionally except for my oldest sister , she doesnt drink at all , never did , perhaps shes an alcoholic but it was never awakened in her . i believe that there are lots of choices that contribute to drinking and not just to drink or not
Let Go Let God
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
chero , thinking about your last post . i agree with you again , i too have had some fear and not so much trauma in my childhood but circumstances that were not ideal . i didnt choose to drink either . but then you and i arent alcoholics . if we were , if we had the disease in our brains maybe we would have waken it by having a drink or two one nght and then it would escalate from there . but if we dont have the disease of alcoholism then there is no emotional or physical attraction to the liquor therefore our choose is a much easier one to make ..... am i making any sense because all this sounds good in my head !
full of hope
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
You are making sense, LG! Everyone is. It is just so interesting--to choose or not to choose. Or I guess it's really--a choice or not a choice?
Everyone makes very valid points. It is their choice. But my recovering A friend said last night that As can stay "dry" for periods of time. They are still alcoholics and they usually go back to drinking.
Look at In's ex. She said she didn't even remember buying it. But In is right in saying she chooses to not get help, to leave with money, to hang out with people that are bad influences.
Then I look at my AH. Today will be day 15 or 16?? I'm losing count. I wonder if he has really made a choice to change for life. Is it possible for him to choose that without receiving help? I can see the fight is on for him.
It's a fight between the side of him that wants to quit and the side him that doesn't. Some days I can which side is ahead.
I'm also thinking that Just made a valuable point on page 2. That we have a choice to stay and help them and deal with this junk or not to stay and deal with it. (i'm paraphrasing, just!)
And if we are also supposed to be focusing on our own recovery(i'm a totally codie
) then am I choosing to spend too much time focused on the wrong issue here??
Everyone makes very valid points. It is their choice. But my recovering A friend said last night that As can stay "dry" for periods of time. They are still alcoholics and they usually go back to drinking.
Look at In's ex. She said she didn't even remember buying it. But In is right in saying she chooses to not get help, to leave with money, to hang out with people that are bad influences.
Then I look at my AH. Today will be day 15 or 16?? I'm losing count. I wonder if he has really made a choice to change for life. Is it possible for him to choose that without receiving help? I can see the fight is on for him.
It's a fight between the side of him that wants to quit and the side him that doesn't. Some days I can which side is ahead.
I'm also thinking that Just made a valuable point on page 2. That we have a choice to stay and help them and deal with this junk or not to stay and deal with it. (i'm paraphrasing, just!)
And if we are also supposed to be focusing on our own recovery(i'm a totally codie
) then am I choosing to spend too much time focused on the wrong issue here??
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: HK
Posts: 115
Good question Chero .... Are we "choosing to spend too much time focused on the wrong issue here" .... I think we do. We have an obsession to help or control the A. Same thing with the A who is obsessed with the idea that somehow they can control their drinking "this time". It's part of our desease, a sort of obssesive thinking keeps us making the wrong choices.
Let Go Let God
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
I agree too , although I think its human nature to want to know what comes next but when having to know what the future holds becomes obsessive and wanting to control it or them (A) even more obsessive , then its a problem . I dont think there is any harm in brain storming this disease though and giving and getting different opinions , opens your mind to other ways of thinking
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hey there chero,
You've got a wonderful thread going her, and thanx to everybody for contributing. I am a recovering alkie, as well as a recovering codie, so here's my .02 worth.
As others have pointe out, you "should" feel whatever feeling happens to come up. Feelings are not _instructions_ on how to act. You can feel anything you want and that does not mean you have to _act_ on those feelings. Feelings can bounce all over the place and change direction ten times a minute. What al-anon has taught me is that I don't have to bounce _with_ them.
Maybe that is why I am attacted to the chaos of living with an addict, cuz they're life bounces around the way my feelings do and so it feels normal.
My anxiety was the result of waiting for _their_ behavior to give me the signal as to what _my_ life was going to be like. If my ex-A acted responsible then _I_ felt good. If she acted irresponsible then _I_ felt bad. My feelings and my life were controlled by _her_ and not by me.
I got past the anxiety when I "detached" _my_ life from _her_ life. When I learned to be happy because of what _I_ was doing in my life then I no longer had anxiety over what she did or not did.
That was also when I realized that my financial situation was tangled up in hers, and that my financial future was being damaged by her behavior. I also realized that her infidelities had destroyed our marriage, and that we had gone from once being a wonderfuly happy couple to not even being good roomates.
As to whether my ex-A can "control" her addiction, to me it doesn't matter either way. I have set up my boundaries so that whether she behaves one way or another it does _not_ affect me. Her "control" is _her_ problem, and really none of my business.
I agree that he should be doing it for himself. Whatever his reason may be, that doesn't affect _your_ reason. What are _you_ doing for yourself? While he is doing his own recovery, what are you doing with _your_ recovery?
I am happy for _you_. I am happy that in your posts you sound happy. I am happy that today your life sounds better than before. I am happy that you are here with us and sharing and bringing up questions and doing good in _your_ life for _you_. If you are happy for him one minute, and not happy the next that is just fine too, cuz we are allowed to feel anything we want to feel.
Are _you_ happy for yourself? You sound like your are. Are you doing good things for yourself like going to al-anon meets? Are you setting up boundaries to protect yourself from harm if he ever drinks again?
Mike
You've got a wonderful thread going her, and thanx to everybody for contributing. I am a recovering alkie, as well as a recovering codie, so here's my .02 worth.
As others have pointe out, you "should" feel whatever feeling happens to come up. Feelings are not _instructions_ on how to act. You can feel anything you want and that does not mean you have to _act_ on those feelings. Feelings can bounce all over the place and change direction ten times a minute. What al-anon has taught me is that I don't have to bounce _with_ them.
Maybe that is why I am attacted to the chaos of living with an addict, cuz they're life bounces around the way my feelings do and so it feels normal.
Originally Posted by chero 
...How do you get past the anxiety of waiting for the bottom to fall out? Does there come a point when you can finally breath easy?
I got past the anxiety when I "detached" _my_ life from _her_ life. When I learned to be happy because of what _I_ was doing in my life then I no longer had anxiety over what she did or not did.
That was also when I realized that my financial situation was tangled up in hers, and that my financial future was being damaged by her behavior. I also realized that her infidelities had destroyed our marriage, and that we had gone from once being a wonderfuly happy couple to not even being good roomates.
As to whether my ex-A can "control" her addiction, to me it doesn't matter either way. I have set up my boundaries so that whether she behaves one way or another it does _not_ affect me. Her "control" is _her_ problem, and really none of my business.
Originally Posted by chero
...I, too, question his motivation. He is constantly saying he is doing this for me and I think he should do it for himself. ...
Originally Posted by chero
... My delimma is actually should I be happy for him? ...
Are _you_ happy for yourself? You sound like your are. Are you doing good things for yourself like going to al-anon meets? Are you setting up boundaries to protect yourself from harm if he ever drinks again?
Mike
full of hope
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Mike, thanks for the post! I noticed a recurring theme in your message; me, myself and I.
You are sooo right. My focus should be me. I want it to be because I want to be better. I don't want to be controlled by my AH's drinking, attitude or opinions anymore.
I feel happier than I've felt in a long time. But there is still that darkness underneath that threatens to come out and take me back over. But, today is a good day. Today, I'm choosing happiness.
I'm trying to find meetings. But I haven't set up boundaries. I don't know how that works.
I do have a question for you Mike or anyone. You said that you have boundaries set up so that whether your ex-A behaves one way or another it doesn't affect you. Well, I was wondering, would it still be the same for you (or anybody that wants to respond) if you A wasn't an ex??
You are sooo right. My focus should be me. I want it to be because I want to be better. I don't want to be controlled by my AH's drinking, attitude or opinions anymore.
I feel happier than I've felt in a long time. But there is still that darkness underneath that threatens to come out and take me back over. But, today is a good day. Today, I'm choosing happiness.
I'm trying to find meetings. But I haven't set up boundaries. I don't know how that works.
I do have a question for you Mike or anyone. You said that you have boundaries set up so that whether your ex-A behaves one way or another it doesn't affect you. Well, I was wondering, would it still be the same for you (or anybody that wants to respond) if you A wasn't an ex??
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