Should I be happy for him?
full of hope
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Should I be happy for him?
I was wondering how I'm supposed to respond to my AH. He has been an entire 10 days with drinking. Which is a big deal, I know....or I guess.!?!
He wants me to be happy for him because he is quitting on his own and blah, blah, blah. But I'm not.
Should I just stop being so negative and be happy for him?
How do you get past the anxiety of waiting for the bottom to fall out? Does there come a point when you can finally breath easy?
He wants me to be happy for him because he is quitting on his own and blah, blah, blah. But I'm not.
Should I just stop being so negative and be happy for him?
How do you get past the anxiety of waiting for the bottom to fall out? Does there come a point when you can finally breath easy?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Jacksonville, FL
Posts: 240
It's been 10 whole days for my husband also since he last drank. Am I happy for him? I guess. Do I think it will last? Experience tells me no. He is not doing anything recovery-related - no AA, no nothing. I too am waiting for the ball to drop. I have been trying to keep myself occupied with work, etc. and not concern myself with his situation. One minute it works and the next my stomach is in knots, which I guess is a small improvement from being anxious all of the time, right? Anyway, I hope it gets better. For me, for you, for all of us.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
I think this stirs many emotions. I know my ex did the same thing and I could have smacked him. I couldn't figure it out so I gave it alot of thought and here is my conclusion.
I had prayed so hard for so long for him to quit and when he did, I was furious.
It didn't make sense.
Well......I realized at that time, it was true! He could have quit all that time. The whole time he was out with his buddies or some other woman, the nasty rotten things he said the whole time to me, the money our family had to live without, the bail paid, the wrecked cars and on and on....
Now, here is this nice guy who DECIDED to quit and did.
Now after all you've put up with, he's some kind of hero? He wants to be praised and he feels great, he looks good , he feels good and it is the first time you've even looked into a mirror in months.....and what a sight it is!!!!!!
We become hagged out, exhausted, witchy, broken and that's all it took for him to DECIDE to change. I think we feel like they SPENT us to gain their sobriety.
I remember telling a Judge that we endured the denial of his drinking problem, we endured the wasted money and time of his drinking, we endured the drama of his meltdown and now the worst was enduring the applause of his recovery. It was still all about him. I said Good luck and good bye.
We only imagine them entering into recovery, it's like a dream we don't dare to dream. When they do quit, it's all good for them. My exs epiphany, seemed to leave him on a pedistal and there was a trail of dead people all along his recovery path.
I had prayed so hard for so long for him to quit and when he did, I was furious.
It didn't make sense.
Well......I realized at that time, it was true! He could have quit all that time. The whole time he was out with his buddies or some other woman, the nasty rotten things he said the whole time to me, the money our family had to live without, the bail paid, the wrecked cars and on and on....
Now, here is this nice guy who DECIDED to quit and did.
Now after all you've put up with, he's some kind of hero? He wants to be praised and he feels great, he looks good , he feels good and it is the first time you've even looked into a mirror in months.....and what a sight it is!!!!!!
We become hagged out, exhausted, witchy, broken and that's all it took for him to DECIDE to change. I think we feel like they SPENT us to gain their sobriety.
I remember telling a Judge that we endured the denial of his drinking problem, we endured the wasted money and time of his drinking, we endured the drama of his meltdown and now the worst was enduring the applause of his recovery. It was still all about him. I said Good luck and good bye.
We only imagine them entering into recovery, it's like a dream we don't dare to dream. When they do quit, it's all good for them. My exs epiphany, seemed to leave him on a pedistal and there was a trail of dead people all along his recovery path.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Jacksonville, FL
Posts: 240
My anxiety radar was on full alert this AM, and it turns out my feelings were right. 10 AM and my AH is falling down drunk. He literally just fell out of his truck trying to get out. Driving drunk, what a surprise. Of course, according to him, he's just tired. This BS has to stop.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
I'm sorry. I'm afraid we probably all know exactly what this feels like. It stops hurting and just becomes disgusting. I hope that somehow, that image of him falling out of his truck serves YOU in a positive way. We need to see, we need to get our fill of it. That's when change happens. I sense that your cup is about to spill over with it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
In a generic kind of way, in any relationship, we are either nuturing a relationship or killing it. There can be grand gestures but most sentiments that keep a relationship good are subtle. What has he done to make sure you stay in love with him?
up and out
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 185
Originally Posted by mallowcup 
I think this stirs many emotions. I know my ex did the same thing and I could have smacked him. I couldn't figure it out so I gave it alot of thought and here is my conclusion.
I had prayed so hard for so long for him to quit and when he did, I was furious.
It didn't make sense.
Well......I realized at that time, it was true! He could have quit all that time. The whole time he was out with his buddies or some other woman, the nasty rotten things he said the whole time to me, the money our family had to live without, the bail paid, the wrecked cars and on and on....
Now, here is this nice guy who DECIDED to quit and did.
Now after all you've put up with, he's some kind of hero? He wants to be praised and he feels great, he looks good , he feels good and it is the first time you've even looked into a mirror in months.....and what a sight it is!!!!!!
We become hagged out, exhausted, witchy, broken and that's all it took for him to DECIDE to change. I think we feel like they SPENT us to gain their sobriety.
I remember telling a Judge that we endured the denial of his drinking problem, we endured the wasted money and time of his drinking, we endured the drama of his meltdown and now the worst was enduring the applause of his recovery. It was still all about him. I said Good luck and good bye.
We only imagine them entering into recovery, it's like a dream we don't dare to dream. When they do quit, it's all good for them. My exs epiphany, seemed to leave him on a pedistal and there was a trail of dead people all along his recovery path.
I had prayed so hard for so long for him to quit and when he did, I was furious.
It didn't make sense.
Well......I realized at that time, it was true! He could have quit all that time. The whole time he was out with his buddies or some other woman, the nasty rotten things he said the whole time to me, the money our family had to live without, the bail paid, the wrecked cars and on and on....
Now, here is this nice guy who DECIDED to quit and did.
Now after all you've put up with, he's some kind of hero? He wants to be praised and he feels great, he looks good , he feels good and it is the first time you've even looked into a mirror in months.....and what a sight it is!!!!!!
We become hagged out, exhausted, witchy, broken and that's all it took for him to DECIDE to change. I think we feel like they SPENT us to gain their sobriety.
I remember telling a Judge that we endured the denial of his drinking problem, we endured the wasted money and time of his drinking, we endured the drama of his meltdown and now the worst was enduring the applause of his recovery. It was still all about him. I said Good luck and good bye.
We only imagine them entering into recovery, it's like a dream we don't dare to dream. When they do quit, it's all good for them. My exs epiphany, seemed to leave him on a pedistal and there was a trail of dead people all along his recovery path.
Good luck and goodbye.....I like that.
up and out
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 185
Chero,
you feel how you feel. how else can you be expected to feel after what you've endured? you're probably exasperated by now. i've been there.
he won't understand until he's in recovery how you feel. he's simply incapable until he gets his head out of his own a$$ which will take time....lots of time.
if you haven't already gone to al-anon I highly suggest it. you can get some frustrations out there. you'll leave with more peace than when you went in.
we're always here for you.
you feel how you feel. how else can you be expected to feel after what you've endured? you're probably exasperated by now. i've been there.
he won't understand until he's in recovery how you feel. he's simply incapable until he gets his head out of his own a$$ which will take time....lots of time.
if you haven't already gone to al-anon I highly suggest it. you can get some frustrations out there. you'll leave with more peace than when you went in.
we're always here for you.
Let Go Let God
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
my ah expected a parade when he quit drinking .. yipee , he has arrived !
i felt the same what .. little to little and a little to late .
that was months ago , guess where he went yesterday ?? rehab #4 ..
i better quick call the dancing clowns and get the balloons filled , im sure
hes expecting a party when he comes home .. what a gem !
i felt the same what .. little to little and a little to late .
that was months ago , guess where he went yesterday ?? rehab #4 ..
i better quick call the dancing clowns and get the balloons filled , im sure
hes expecting a party when he comes home .. what a gem !
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Sorry...10 days...pffffft. I have quit months or two at a time on my own...but have always gone back. With the help of AA, I fully digest now that if "nothing changes, nothing changes". Unless you are physically dependent (which I was not), quitting is a piece of cake...staying quit is a whole new ball game. With my previous on my own quits, yes I read some books on addiction and alcoholism etc. I worked out like a maniac and I avoided social triggers (read: was alone a lot)...didn't work.
Tell him you'll organize the parade when he makes one year...on his own. Hell, tell him you'll run down mainstreet naked yourself. Getting sober is kinda like waking up from a coma...we have no idea what's gone on while we were gone..and we have forgotten (or never learned) how to live.
Tell him you'll organize the parade when he makes one year...on his own. Hell, tell him you'll run down mainstreet naked yourself. Getting sober is kinda like waking up from a coma...we have no idea what's gone on while we were gone..and we have forgotten (or never learned) how to live.
Let Go Let God
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
nuudawn , i dont think i every congratulated you on your sobriety . good for you ! you give me hope , its possible if you want it bad enough . you should be proud for not only be sober but for sharing your storys and helping others
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Ask me how I "should" feel? That sets me off right away. I bet he is just wanting you to believe in him again, but his actions over time are needed for that to happen. Until I see results, I try to encourage but I can't ignore what happened before- or let go of boundaries. Each time my son goes backwards I have a harder time starting over- it's a self-protective mechanism.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
Chero... I don't know how we are supposed to feel or act. My emotions have been all over the map ever since my AH began his recovery.
LGLG... You mentioned that this was rehab # 4. I know that it is hard for you to see this sometimes, especially when he keeps falling off the wagon... but at least he is trying (please don't throw any tomatoes at me for saying this). The fact that he keeps going back to rehab shows (to me) that he wants to get clean.
The HBO segment on "Relapse" pointed out that "relapse is not a failure of the treatment... it is a disorder of the disease."
My AH came home from his AA meeting last night in a rather somber mood. He told me that he had met a woman who had fallen off the wagon after 20 years of sobriety. He seemed depressed by this. It was as if he could see how grim the long-term prognosis can be. Just as we are waiting for the other shoe to drop, so are they.
I am completely defeated in this battle. There is nothing I can do, regardless of whether I respond positively or negatively. I'm trying very hard to respond compassionately. I'm also reminded of how important it is to stop looking at him and keep looking at myself.
Hang in there, everyone.
LGLG... You mentioned that this was rehab # 4. I know that it is hard for you to see this sometimes, especially when he keeps falling off the wagon... but at least he is trying (please don't throw any tomatoes at me for saying this). The fact that he keeps going back to rehab shows (to me) that he wants to get clean.
The HBO segment on "Relapse" pointed out that "relapse is not a failure of the treatment... it is a disorder of the disease."
My AH came home from his AA meeting last night in a rather somber mood. He told me that he had met a woman who had fallen off the wagon after 20 years of sobriety. He seemed depressed by this. It was as if he could see how grim the long-term prognosis can be. Just as we are waiting for the other shoe to drop, so are they.
I am completely defeated in this battle. There is nothing I can do, regardless of whether I respond positively or negatively. I'm trying very hard to respond compassionately. I'm also reminded of how important it is to stop looking at him and keep looking at myself.
Hang in there, everyone.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Central Coast, CA
Posts: 77
This is such a helpful thread for me. My AH and I are both experiencing anxiety right now because he comes home from rehab #1 on Monday. He's lined up to continue with intensive outpatient for 2 months after that.
I /am/ continuing to give positive feedback for the fact that he's in there and addressing this stuff in the first place, that he's getting better at being real and he's working hard at getting better. Maybe it's because it's his first real attempt at actual sobriety and I'm not quite so jaded yet. I have to hope it "takes." He's so worried about what other people think of him at this point that we couldn't possibly have a party for him doing rehab!
I haven't made it to my codi group for 3 weeks but, come hell or highwater, I will go this Friday night. I need it! (You all are helping me through the dry spell, though!)
He's recently become aware of the fact that he has feelings and is doing well with expressing them, particularly unpleasant ones, immediately rather than just ignoring them. That's good, but my codi self reacts to his expressions as if he's blaming me. He's still pretty sick - maybe he is blaming me. After the initial hurt I try to deliberately back off and remind myself that I am responsible for myself. Even if he is blaming me that doesn't mean I have to accept the blame.
He's identifying his triggers and I feel like I just jump right in to take responsibility to eliminate or prevent them. Wait! He still gets to choose how to respond to his triggers!
It's like we're both a couple of kids with a new toy. My new toy is to not accept responsibility for everything that's not mine. His new toy is to identify and be honest about things that bother him. I think I'll get that new toy soon too - I can feel it coming. It'll be necessary for me to accept responsibility for my own feelings, wants and needs.
Just because he expects or believes something doesn't make it so.
Right out of the Hazeldon manual:
"I feel concerned when you don't attend your meeting because it may be a relapse sign. I would like you to go to meetings as your recovery is important to me."
Gotta go... Have a great day!
I /am/ continuing to give positive feedback for the fact that he's in there and addressing this stuff in the first place, that he's getting better at being real and he's working hard at getting better. Maybe it's because it's his first real attempt at actual sobriety and I'm not quite so jaded yet. I have to hope it "takes." He's so worried about what other people think of him at this point that we couldn't possibly have a party for him doing rehab!
I haven't made it to my codi group for 3 weeks but, come hell or highwater, I will go this Friday night. I need it! (You all are helping me through the dry spell, though!)
He's recently become aware of the fact that he has feelings and is doing well with expressing them, particularly unpleasant ones, immediately rather than just ignoring them. That's good, but my codi self reacts to his expressions as if he's blaming me. He's still pretty sick - maybe he is blaming me. After the initial hurt I try to deliberately back off and remind myself that I am responsible for myself. Even if he is blaming me that doesn't mean I have to accept the blame.
He's identifying his triggers and I feel like I just jump right in to take responsibility to eliminate or prevent them. Wait! He still gets to choose how to respond to his triggers!
It's like we're both a couple of kids with a new toy. My new toy is to not accept responsibility for everything that's not mine. His new toy is to identify and be honest about things that bother him. I think I'll get that new toy soon too - I can feel it coming. It'll be necessary for me to accept responsibility for my own feelings, wants and needs.
Just because he expects or believes something doesn't make it so.
Right out of the Hazeldon manual:
"I feel concerned when you don't attend your meeting because it may be a relapse sign. I would like you to go to meetings as your recovery is important to me."
Gotta go... Have a great day!
Let Go Let God
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
whataboutme..im so sorry .. i know what that kick in the stomach feels like , we feel like we have been fooled again , but we havent . its his disease , it has nothing to do with you . try to push forward and do something for yourself today ...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
Well ten days are required on the way to 20 and 40 days, on to 10 years and twenty years. We stay while we have faith, we go when THEY spend our faith. All accounts require deposits. Isn't that true? Those who stay through the disappointsments have deposits of faith and hope sprinkled along the trip. If we come to a lack of faith, it isn't a reflection of us, it is a reflection of them. I love that old saying that says, "To see a mans true character, look into his wifes eyes". We as wives (or husbands, mothers, fathers, girlfriends etc) are the evidence of how they live their lives. Is there light in our eyes? Is there a spring in our step? Without that distraction of their drinking, there is the dreaded time to face what? There is a black hole.
So.....let's fill it with praise and applause for them.
Everything is oaky dokey for them. They drank enough that they don't remember most of what they said and did. It is incredibaly offensive that they think we don't. How do you regret what you don't remember?
Oh, there is an aweful lot to think about when they quit drinking,
Here's the kicker, the only thing that ticks you off worse is if they start drinking again. It is a real mess isn't it?
So.....let's fill it with praise and applause for them.
Everything is oaky dokey for them. They drank enough that they don't remember most of what they said and did. It is incredibaly offensive that they think we don't. How do you regret what you don't remember?
Oh, there is an aweful lot to think about when they quit drinking,
Here's the kicker, the only thing that ticks you off worse is if they start drinking again. It is a real mess isn't it?
Recovering Nicely
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
Just Tired?
Just curiously, Whataboutme says "according to him, he's just tired", how many of you hear that phrase while they are falling down drunk, as if we are to believe it? And the emphasis is always on "tired"?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: NYC, NY
Posts: 5
I guess it's beside the point since he already relapsed, but I think if he were in AA he wouldn't be asking for a pat on the head or a parade after ten days of not-drinking. It's like when I congratulated a junkie client on being clean for a few days--he got insulted and said I was congratulating him for NOT being a complete screw-up and I could save it until he actually DID something of worth.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
"How do you get past the anxiety of waiting for the bottom to fall out? Does there come a point when you can finally breath easy?"
For me, that moment came when I finally decided to end the relationship.
For me, that moment came when I finally decided to end the relationship.
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