Clutch B

This might just be more of a rant than anything, but I had to get this off my chest.

We met in AA (I'm an AH too). All summer long, our relationship was great. He was going to meetings and working his program; I was going to meetings and working my program. We were both doing great. He treated me like an absolute princess.

He stopped going to AA meetings a month ago. But he said he was working the steps, so he didn't need to go to meetings. Total bull, I know.

Over time, he's become disgustingly arrogant. The one time I managed to drag him to an AA meeting two weeks ago, a guy we both knew for several months picked up a second white chip. (That means he drank again). I commented to BF how brave that guy was to admit in front of a group of sober people that he's starting over. But BF just called the guy "weak", and said, "If you're not going to stay sober, don't even try." Hello? AA is a spiritual program of recovery, "progress not perfection", etc. What a nasty attitude.

Over the past two weeks, BF's acting like a total lunatic, making rash decisions based on things that don't make sense. He said he needs more "space" in our relationship so he can work on his hobbies. But he was working on his hobbies all summer and doing great with them with no interference from me. I don't get it.

Now he's gotten insulting and down right verbally abusive. I shared something deeply personal with him earlier last week, and he later used it to insult me in the most painful way he possibly could. When I told him that it hurt my feelings, he turned the whole situation around into an attack against himself and accused me of being ungrateful. WTF?

Today, his sponsor calls and parts ways with him, because BF wasn't calling him or working the steps. Why am I not surprised?

It's just a miracle that anyone ever manages to love an alcoholic. I'm having an awfully hard time trying to love this guy. He isn't the person I met and fell in love with.

Who is this guy, and what has he done with my BF?

This disease sucks.

Minx1969

You might want to take in a few Alanon meetings.

Same 12 steps but our focus is on keeping the obsession off of "people, places and things"..and we all love Alcoholics.

Lots of double winners (AA and Alanon) out there so check it out.

I'm not a mind reader or do I have a crystal ball but he could be heading for a relapse..

Keep the focus on you and your sobriety..

Rowan

Thank you for your post. I am going through the VERY same thing, and it helps enormously to know that I'm not alone. I'm so sorry for you pain I know what an awful place it can be.
I've started going to Al-Anon and I can tell already how much it is going to benefit my life. I hope you go, too.
Love Rowan

Latte

I've done those things to my husband. I wasn't working my program. When I work my program...our marriage is so good.

I'm so sorry. Alanon is a good place. He can be physically sober but not mentally sober. A dry drunk...still a drunk.

Cynay

Im sorry your hurting....

I dont have anything to add, but wanted you to know I have BTDT and your right it does suck.

I too would suggest Al-anon, you will need to learn to detach and take the focus off him

So Confused

I feel ya. Mine was doing well. Althugh we entered the phase of he needed his space again. We were at least talking on the phone. I thought maybe I had found a way to enter this phase and still be able to stay in some sort of contact while he goes through this and now nothing again. No phone calls no response to mine. I do not believe there is any ryme or reason to it. Somehow they rationialize in their minds and justify what they do and how they act. It is so hard but I have learned through this forum and Alanon focus on you at least you know you will be there when you wake up. A choice you have to make. The kicker to it all. He id nothing with your BF thats him!!!! And know in your heart you will see "this Person" and you BF here and there it happens but ti is very rare. Sometime they merge into one person again but who knows for how long. ANd then they show up seperate again. There is nothing to understand only to love him for him and accept. FOcus on you let him find you I keep wanting to call mine. But ya know what. Why? He has my number address and when I stop calling he knows where to find me so yet again I go into another weekend with a BF I may or may no thear from . Some days are just dpown right CRAPPY! Thanks for letting me vent offf your post but I feel ya. LAst note the comments about other people some how gives them a sense of they are better and yet again justifies what they do.

Clutch B

Thanks to everyone for your patient understanding and supportive responses.

This is hard. It's the kind of thing that I naturally want to drink over. It's hard to learn how to cope with life without drinking, but I know deep inside that drinking will only make it worse.

I guess I just need to "let go" of him, and focus on staying sober and working my own spiritual program.

But in so many ways, I don't want to let go, I feel like there's something wrong with me -- not him. I'm an AH, he's an AH ... how do I know if he's the one who's making the mistakes? Maybe it's me.

This is so confusing.

Cynay

I think you you keep working your program and add to that some Al-anon your answers will come hon.

It is hard to love an A.... rips your heart out and is a life that I personally am amazed anyone gets through. But if you learn the tools for living with an A it will make your life soooo much easier.

*hugs*

prodigal

Yep, I agree with everyone here. Without working the steps the A still exhibits the same rotten attitudes and behaviors - the classic "stinkin' thinkin'". My AH attended AA off for several weeks the first month he was out of rehab and hasn't been back since. One thing I've noticed, however, is he goes to bed at 10 pm every night without fail. I think he does this so he won't stay up and be tempted to drink. As for me, I drink very moderately when he's around. I drink out of my coffee cup and don't even use a wine glass. Why throw it in his face?

My AH is pulling a dry drunk, but the worst behavior he exhibits is that rather non-reactive "flat-line" personality. Very introverted, doesn't laugh, doesn't smile, but remains polite. Hey, it's better than the drunk, ranting maniac I put up with!

There is nothing you can do to make someone work a program or stay sober. It does sound as if the possibility of a relapse is very real. All you can do is stay sober, work your own program, and detach. Not original advice, I know, but that's all we can do when they start to reel out of control.