kipper

I haven't posted in awhile, but am feeling so sad today and I need some advice.
My Fiance has been sober for 2 months and seems to be doing well with not drinking. He checked himself into outpatient treatment and is now in the aftercare program.
My biggest question is how long do I stick around waiting for him to get better? Yes he isn't drinking but I now realize that that was just one of the issues he has to deal with. While actively drinking, he failed out of college 3 times, missed work meetings, didn't show up to meet me at the gym, etc. Now that he is sober he is still doing these things, and NO he is not drinking. He is skipping classes and sleeping instead. He doesn't spend time with me at night because he says he has homework to do but then when I go to work in the morning he is still in bed, skipping school.
How long does he get to be an irresponsible 25 year old? Does it get better? I have told him I will not marry him unless he gets his sh** together. This seems to be a conversation we have a least once a week and he justs sits there and doesn't say anything in response. He will say things like "I don't know" or "I want to go to school, I don't know why I don't."
I know that I deserve better than this.
We have been together for 4.5 years and I have always seen a future for us. He just keeps chipping away at my love for him.
Is there hope?

Minx1969

are you going to Alanon, therapy or anything?

If you had to marry him today - would you? Can you accept him EXACTLY as he is today and that he may never change?

Just because they get sober doesn't mean that things are automatically better..

It is a very hard road to sobriety..They say no major changes for a year...he's just starting.

Cynay

You know.... You might want to just detach and focus on yourself. I too would suggest Al-anon or Therapy.... What every you choose I get the most out of a larger support group that understand the disease.

Im not sure of his recovery program, AA works a spirital program that demands change and honesty. I know that As have alot of "issues" besides the disease of Alcoholism... and use the alcohol to "numb" themselves to the problems/issues. Without there DOC Im sure they are going through hell trying to keep it together. I hope his program addresses the whole package and not just his drinking.

If it were me I would take the focus off him and put it back on you, get busy with life and if he comes around....that is wonderful..... If he gets stuck.... thats Sad .... but you have a life. Its easier said then done, but he has along way to go till he finds any type of balance hon.

kipper

are you going to Alanon, therapy or anything? Yes I am going to Al anon meetings, not as often as I would like bacause of my 2 jobs but get there whenever I can


If you had to marry him today - would you? No I would not marry him today if I had to
Can you accept him EXACTLY as he is today and that he may never change?
No I can not except him as he is today, WOW scary! Great question!

Just because they get sober doesn't mean that things are automatically better.. I understand this, and I don't expect a quick fix. My biggest what if is If I leave him because things aren't good What IF I run into him in a year and things are great for him and our chance is over?

It is a very hard road to sobriety..They say no major changes for a year...he's just starting. He is just starting...I know. That is the other thing I worry about, no major changes for a year. Breaking up a relationship of 4.5 years is a major change. Could he handle it?

Latte

No matter if he's drinking or not, he will always be an alcoholic.

AlAnon is a great idea in your case. I'm sure it will help you, even if you don't marry your boyfriend.

Warm thoughts.

best

As things stand at the moment...the relationship is already broken.
You set boundries, now you need be sure you hold them.
What you do or don't do will not make him drink or not drink. His choices are what have him do as he pleases.

Though we can't tell the future... he could change and in 10 years return to where he is now or he could take 10 years to change. Or he could change and become a proper husband till death do you part.

If you feel it is time to move on, don't stay because you feel he needs you to stay so he will remain sober.
You can't cause him to drink..it is his choice.
You can't stop him from drinking...it is his choice.
It is also his choice to seek support and info that will help him find change or not seek it and remain on the couch till the school year is over.

notsleepingwell

You know the addict in my life is my daughter, but when I meet a recovering addict, I tell them, I don't want that chaos in my life. If I get to choose, I would not be in a relationship with anyone with major addictions, and I don't mean to offend anyone, I mean, I smoke cigs, and there are people who wouldn't date me because of that.....so it's all a choice of how you want to live. Just my 2 cents!

Cynay

It did not sound to me like your living together....

If this is true you dont have to change the "relationship status" maybe you could just change what you can within the relationship for now.... and the only thing you can change is you.

Cant live in "what ifs" I currently coming to terms with a recent breakup.... Im trying really hard to just let it go... If it was ment to be then it will be a year from now..... heck I heard of people hooking up about after 10 years. The problem is when I keep focusing on my ex, it keeps me stuck... so if he is stuck and Im stuck its not helping anyone. If I take the focus off that relationship and put it on what I need to do today.... Im not stuck... Im not drilling him all the time about the relationship .... and maybe this gives him the time he needs to figure it out.

If I never see him again, then I wish him the very best life has to offer and know that God has a different/better plan for me and he was not a season, but a reason.

But you dont have to make any major decisions right away.... work on yourself, get a sponsor, go to meetings, focus on your life..... you dont have to "break up" just detach some and give it a breather.

gypsyrose

My AH would have been 2 months sober this weekend. A week or two ago, he started being a total jerk and then he started drinking again. I think he's giving sobriety another try because he appears to be taking his antabuse medication again... but I wouldn't know because we're barely talking to each other right now. So I can relate to your frustration. The big differences between you and me are a) I'm married b) we have children together (both have disabilities so I homeschool them) which leads to c) the boys and I are totally financially dependent on my AH. None of those things mean I won't eventually leave my AH but it certainly make things more complicated.

Not that ending relationships with the alcoholics in our lives isn't complicated by a lot of other factors to begin with. But love is not enough. Is this man your with responsible to be the father of your children?

I can honestly say that when I married my husband he was a good choice. I We've been together 14 years. It's been a long, slow, painful downward spiral to where we are today. I still hope he gets better and we have a happy ending but if I was young and hoping to have a family with someone, he wouldn't even be in my little black book.

I like to think that if I were in your shoes, I'd be grateful to have discovered that he was not healthy enough to have a family with before the wedding and I'd run, not walk to the nearest exit. Of course, I'm in a pretty cynical place today and my guess is even if I'd known how his drinking would effect our lives, I would have been dumb enough to have stuck it out with him anyway. I can still remember how completely in love I was, so much so that I thought I couldn't live without him.

You have your whole life ahaead of you. Even if you ABF does get it together someday, how much of your youth do you want to spend in the midst of this drama? How much will you resent him in the years to come? And what of all the time you'll have wasted if he doesn't get it together.

You can always spend your time in heathier pursuits and if he does get his act together he can come back to you then, if you still want him. Meanwhile, you can't do anything to help him by staying and sticking around may even be enabling him.

FormerDoormat

Well, I waited 24 years and never did comit to marrying my AB so I'd always have an "easy out"--probably because deep down I knew a relationship with an active alcoholic was doomed to fail. Obviously I was in serious denial for many years and too afraid to face the truth--that I had chosen a partner who was emotionally unavailable because he had another love--something he loved far more than me--alcohol. I certainly hope you wise up and face the truth sooner than I did.

Well, spend some time reading this forum and you'll see very few success stories. Spend some time researching alcoholism and the statistics concerning those who've reached and maintained long-term sobriety, and you may come to the same conclusion I did:

There's little hope for most addicts. The good news is that there's LOTS of hope for us co-dependents, though. And it all begins with us learning how to let of the behaviors that got us into this jam in the first place, and SoberRecovery is the perfect place to do that.

Glad to see you back on forum.

blizzard77

Good Question. Too bad No one has the answer to it huh? My AH is almost 9 months sober and has done some real stupid **** during those months.Things he would have done while drinking but yet he was doing them sober. Some call it being a dry drunk some don't believe in that term. I know where you are because I'm right there with you. AH is very intelligent and managed to make it through four yrs of college drunk everyday and earn his BA degree. First job lasted just over 2yrs got fired for poor judgement (surprise). He has 20yrs of active addiction under his belt and he's only 35. Obviously, he has alot of other issues he needs to work on. Drinking was one of many. He avoids me, isolates himself from the world. Basically, goes to work comes home, does his fantasty football thing online, watches sports and gets annoyed over anything I have to say which is understandable; since I continue to react with my co-dependancy issues.:uzi2: A mess it what it is. He goes to AA and has one trusted friend there that he talks with. He certainly don't talk to me about what's ailing him and I can't say I blame him. We went to marriage counseling at his request, but it was decided we each need individual therapy. Yes, it's true and difficult to accept but I have issues too and it's best if I work on me and he works on him. Being sober is not the magic cure I thought is was going to be concerning our relationship issues. I am greatful for these tough times because it's forcing me to take a real good hard look at myself. You can't change what you don't acknowledge and I've finally accepted that I have just as many if not more issues to deal with just as he does. Take the focus off of him and put it on yourself. You'll be amazed at the things you find out about yourself and the best part is that change is possible. Make it about you. I'm almost 9 months into this and am just starting to make it about me. I hope I made some sort of sense to you. I know it hurts bad when they shut you out..it only makes you want to control the situation all the more but you CAN'T, so stop trying and do what you can do which is take care and focus on yourself. Be patient with yourself too. I've been taking baby steps through it all but I make some sort of progress everyday. Alanon and reading codependant no more (at least 5 times in the past 8 months). What can I say?? I'm hard-headed and stuborned, have been helpful too!!.